Hi Chloe! I think it was really interesting how you included two characters with such different dispositions in your story. Towards the beginning of the story, I felt rather overwhelmed with your main character and how many questions she was asking herself, but as I read on, I soon found that this aided the character build-up for her. With your awareness of the five senses, I think that this really benefited your story in certain spots, and as readers, we can immerge ourselves into the shoes of each character. Your descriptive voice is radiant throughout, especially on p. 1 para. 1, you said, “A green tapestry that depicted a lush green forest full of pines hung close to the ceiling, crowned by swagged strings of fairy lights that dimly lit the bed we were on”. Instead, you could have simply said something along the lines of “A green pine forest tapestry hung on the wall with fairy lights”. This sentence would have been extremely boring however, and your use of descriptive elements really enhances your work. I have never read a story quite like this one, but think it is going to be interesting to see how – or if – you expand it further. Right now, it has a pretty good length and fully encapsulates the idea of a short story and I find that if you choose to leave it how it is, you will still have a good piece.
Tommy:
Hi Tommy. Wow! This is great work here. I can see where you have expanded your story even more from the short snippet we read in class last week. Even with such a long story, I find myself being drawn back to the second paragraph for many reasons. On p. 1 para 2, you write, “As I shuffle out of the kitchen I pass the hall mirror, glimpse myself. Wiry gray hair and beard. Matching gray eyes. Loose hanging clothes that hardly fit me anymore. The boy was right about that. I look like shit”. As this paragraph stands alone, we as readers can already paint a very detailed picture of this man. We can assume that he is clearly going through something, but we just do not know what yet – which is told as we read further. Also with this, your choice to say “Matching gray eyes” is the sort of description you give to someone who has gone without sleep for a long time. We can assume that the boy may have something to do with this, as clearly he has pointed it out to the man before. As I was reading this, I was able to vividly hear the shuffling of slippers (in my mind) on a kitchen floor. This dragging of the feet further supports your detailed description of a very tired and seemingly unmotivated man. The rest of your story was very well written and the level of depth you go into with your descriptive detail of the surrounding elements factor into a great story.
Chloe I really enjoyed your story! In the begining of the story I enjoyed all the questions that your character was asking herself, I think it added to the swirl of thoughts that goes through a girls mind. After the first paragraph I found myself really interested in wanting to read more. As i continued reading I loved how much personality you have your main character. Even without her talking, Just her thoughts gave so much personality to her which was enjoyable to read. In the sentence “He didn’t understand why I liked boy bands, he thought that girls had pillow fights at their sleepovers,…” I loved how this showed almost what stero typical things that girls are interested in, as If they can’t be interested in boy bands or other type of things and I love that you brought a little light to that with that sentence. Throughout the last pages I enjoyed how you can see the change in the character realizing her boyfriend may not be as great as she wanted him to be. You see towards the end when she starts laughing and says ““College is for learning. Consider this life
experience.” it shows that she isn’t as embarrassed as she was when it just happened and I think you showed that really well. The length of the story was perfect it was paced really well and didn’t get boring, I felt interested In what the character was gonna do next.
Tommy:
Tommy your story was something I really, really enjoyed reading. You had great imagery as if I knew exactly what Mathew’s hour looked like and how the dock looked, so reading your story was so enjoyable to read. In the beginning of the story I had felt happy for Mathew to see him having a bit of joy with Maia. I felt like I knew Mathew, and your writing really made me feel that way. Your word choices really brought me into the story, lines like “The only sound is the endless rustling of leaves and the gentle lapping of the lake against the island I call home.” reading that made me almost think I am hearing the same things as him. Throughout the story Mathew knows he is dying, and I think I just kept brushing past that, thinking that he won’t die. But, when read the line “What a gift to have one last visitor and what a blessing for Charlotte to be spared.” I knew exactly what was gonna happen and kept wanting me to read more. The pacing of your story was really well done and kept things moving which i really enjoyed, it created a great story.
“Red Cheeks” is about a girl having sex with her boyfriend. They have an interesting relationship where the two of them seem to be very different personality wise. It is from the girl’s perspective, and we gain insight into her thoughts on life: about what excites her, what doesn’t, how she perceives other people, how she likes to connect with other people, and what she would like in a boyfriend. In short, the story is about a small chapter in the life of a girl.
I like the way the perspective is written from the girl’s point of view. I also like how her jumbled emotions are portrayed in a very realistic manner throughout the story. Her thoughts are balanced well with descriptors as well as one or two mini flashbacks about her interactions with friends that in some way relate to the present circumstances.
Questions: Is the story a larger metaphor or symbolism for something? Like about mistakes, accepting them, being chill? Is this story individualistic or is it intended to portray the emotions and experiences of a larger audience? What is the climax?
I found it interesting that the climax appeared to be connected to the girl just laughing and accepting the weird and tense moment for what it was. The absurdity of the situation, the way it highlights the faults of her boyfriend, and in turn the faults of her hyped up dialogues about her boyfriend. She recognizes that the situation is not anyone’s “fault”, and appears to let go of her insecurities.
“Charlotte’s Sleepover” is about an aging man’s last moments. We gain insight into aspects of his past, why he is living on this island, and towards the end what task he must complete in order to be fulfilled and be ready for death. It is also a story of loneliness and companionship, and their effects on the mind. It is a story of values, and the motivating factors behind living.
I like the way that aspects of the man’s life are slowly revealed throughout the story, keeping the reader interested and also making it so that by the end, the reader can fully understand why the man chose the ending he did. Also the descriptors were really good; I had a clear mental image of what was happening scene by scene.
Questions: Is there a symbolic aspect to the names? How were you able to write in the perspective of a 60+ year old man in a convincingly realistic way even though you are a minor?
It is interesting how Maia’s presence causes such a dramatic change in the turn of events. As a reader, I get the impression that without her presence, life would remain exactly as it had been and the old man would have died of old age or some other natural cause. As it is, the companionship between them enables him to give her Charlotte and thus offers an early escape for him. Though it is curious how he is “reborn” through his time on the island and is experiencing life more fully and then suddenly decides it’s over. Maybe that’s because living on the island did not ease his pain the way he thought it would?
Chloe:
You captured something in your story that I have struggled to wrap my head around for a while: the essence of a mediocre romantic partner. It feels harsh to say. The boyfriend doesn’t seem like a mediocre person. He seems kind and caring for the most part but as a partner to the main character the reader can feel that something is missing. It’s a hard place to be in, where you like someones individual character but they aren’t your romantic match. There’s a lot of guilt there and I think you captured those feelings really well. I think the choice to make this story revolve around a potentially embarrassing moment like a period is a really good choice. I imagine if the boyfriend had taken the occurrence, making jokes perhaps and telling her that she has nothing to be embarrassed about, we may have seen a different kind of shift. The main character may have fallen for him in a big way more than she had thus far. Yet, the way the story turned out, I imagine that we are looking not a relationships turning point but more likely at it’s end.
Tommy
I like the images but I feel like you could show me more instead of telling me his wife died. As a reader I want to know more about why the relationship with the boy is not good. What does French Canadian look like? Maybe describe her and then be like she looks French Canadian. My brother has Parkinson’s so it is interesting how you’ve put the symptoms of that in the story. I think maybe having some more as well would make it show more. I want more with the boy, something more in the background. Maybe he runs into Maia and Charlotte on the mainland and he realizes what is going on with his dad. The plot definitely flows between the characters and that makes the story. And the plot doesn’t own the characters either. It is a good balance. I think that maybe a point of view you could show would be from Charlotte leaving the island from Maia. Or maybe what is going on with Maia on a more depth level of motives? I really enjoyed reading this it had wonderful descriptions and a good set of plot and character for the reader to dive into and get invested easily. I think the dialogue needs to be a bit more work-shopped and smoothed out a bit more, it doesn’t sound quite right or like the characters, but otherwise it is really good writing and world building in it too.
Chloe
First off woah. I loved reading this because it was so descriptive without saying oh i got my period and my boyfriends flipped out. I think that they covered a lot of character and plot building throughout the story. It’s like coming of age for the boyfriend but not almost. Because of his immature and fearful reaction. This was so suspenseful, it kept me engaged in the beginning. I like the descriptions of the characters. It sounds like a friend telling another friend what’s up with a guy they like. It builds the voice of your main character. Also, I can hear exactly what she sounds like, how the plot is moving through her thoughts and actions. Maybe as a reader I’d love some more paragraphs, maybe switching between what he is thinking and feeling inside of his head and comparing them to her. I feel like this story is not finished yet. Maybe they need to have a conversation about how he’s growing and changing based on periods and learning what they are and maybe not becoming disgusted or continuing to be disgusted depending on where you want to head with the story. Some of the questions that she’s asking herself she could ask them in dialogue to make the plot move a bit more then it is. Maybe that way you could give the guy a voice that isn’t just through his actions. Maybe something about his mother and sister being involved in it later perhaps. It is like not coming of an age piece but in that area.
Tommy:
This story was so evocative of a place. You did such a good job of describing the island. I really enjoyed how you approached the setting- using our senses to describe the sound of the boy’s boat motor, Matthew’s baggy clothes and dirty feet, the cold he feels at night, the smell of bacon; it did such a good job of painting a mental picture. Imagery like when you describe Matthew awakening from a dream, “I awake with a start, a slick sheen of sweat covering me.” (p.7 ¶ 1) reminded me of my own memories of a cold sweat, so it really grounded me in that moment. I also really like your portrayal of the perfect cantankerous old man, from his looks to what he says, Matthew really embodies this archetype. The way he describes everything from the Island itself to the stumps in the ground as “mine” really adds to this narrative; I feel almost as if he puts his own thoughts and feelings before that of others. He doesn’t even leave the boy a letter or say a parting word to him as far as we’re told, and yet says, “I hope he knows I love him and I never meant for us to grow apart like this.” (p.12 ¶ 3) Also he describes how he loved his wife deeply and how, “For 18 years I lived for her. She was everything.” but then goes on to say, “With her gone, and my life on the timetable, I realized that in all my 52 years I had never lived. Not for a moment.” The juxtaposition of how he lived for his wife- and yet felt like he had never lived at all was really interesting to me, and It was details like this that really built the character for me. I would like to know more about the boy though. Perhaps if Matthew thought about Maia in relation to his own child, and reminisced about what he had missed, or how they had been close when the boy was young, but grew apart when the boy got to be Maia’s age? I found myself curious, and searching for those details throughout the story. So one suggestion I have would be to incorporate that aspect of Matthew’s life more. Why they fight, why the boy yells at him, maybe Matthew could reflect on what he had done wrong as a father to show his state of depression, or perhaps he could comment on how ungrateful the boy was to show that cantankerous old man attitude you portrayed throughout his character. It could also be interesting to hear some of the story from the son’s perspective- I almost want a part two where we hear about Matthew as a father. Overall really well done, a good atmospheric read!
Tommy
I completely read this as a beginning to a novel. The descriptors made it feel like this, but so does the slowness to the entire read. Not in a bad way, I just mean that the action is a gentler, more gradual action. The slow change is what kept me engaged, and I enjoyed how this story progressed. The narrator waits for his closure, the final task of sending Charlotte off. I think that for readers it may be helpful to know how long the narrator has been accompanied by Charlotte, since her trade off is a pivotal shift. It is clear that your characters have been developed outside of this story, and have lived their lives. I do, however, point out that when you mention anything about being French-Canadian or French-related things it feels like you’re there writing it. It’s clear that some research may have gone into these aspects, and it breaks up the flow a bit. For example, when you inserted the parenthesis on page three, it felt a bit jarring since you do not use them anywhere else in the story, and the comment was not very necessary. I also just want to point out that there are a handful of grammatical and phrasing errors that you might want to check back on, though I know this is just a draft. The plot progression itself is intriguing, where Mr. Gagnon looks incredibly downtrodden, and feels heavy in the beginning. Where this stranger, Maia, brings a new hope for him, and a new life for Charlotte. Though it is not vital to this story, I am curious weather Maia returns to the island with Charlotte after Mr. Gagnon fails to show up at their meeting place.
Chloe
The voice of the narrator is immediately distinct and the reader begins picking up backstory and character traits like a trail of breadcrumbs. I liked seeing the mood shift between the characters in the beginning, where comfort was initially the case but there was a disconnect between them which you display in how they want different things and in how dissimilar they are in temperatures. It swaps when the main character’s boyfriend is in a frantic state, where she is more nonchalant. You flow through that shift nicely. I liked how comfortable the narrator is with periods, as it is still a topic many avoid with disgust, especially men. There was an anecdote on page eight about your cousin’s sister birthing a blood clot, and I feel like this could be moved up in the piece, simply because it further explains the narrator’s comfortability with periods, and her near anger with her boyfriend for being so uneasy with the topic. It shows a great amount of character at the end where the narrator still apologizes for a natural bodily function, even when she shouldn’t have to. The laughter at the end sells it for me, the absurdity of the whole situation is let out, and I love that this was her response after a whirlwind of panic from her boyfriend.
I really enjoyed both Tommy and Chloe’s stories. They were captivating, kept me interested and engaged, and had me feeling satisfied in the end.
I particularly enjoyed how the main character in Chloe’s story analyzed the behavior of her boyfriend. The discomfort in his behavior and movement were noticed by the character, and the way she talked so casually about his embarrassment was refreshing. While she did express embarrassment about what had happened, she seemed more embarrassed of his reaction for him. His frantic disbelief after she had described him as “cool” didn’t match up with the idea she had in her head of him, and I really enjoyed that revelation. Where she realized that he might not be as cool as she thought.
In Tommy’s story I really enjoyed the character of Maia. She was up front, bubbly, and honest, something I really appreciate in a character. She served as almost an exact opposite to Matthew, and that resulted in an interesting and funny dynamic between the two.
Both stories were incredibly fun to read, and I found myself wanting more in the end, getting attached to the characters. Being able to build fleshed out, likeable characters in a short story that readers end up wanting more of is an impressive feat.
I really like how your character is someone many girls can relate to. Your story is about a girl possibly in her early 20s who is restless and wants to have more out of her relationship with her boyfriend. We can hear the insecurities that she insists on brushing off. She is staying with her boyfriend because like you said “it was better than no boyfriend at all.” I think she is trying to ignore his red flags but as the story goes along, we can see that she is getting bothered by his behavior, specifically towards the female body cycles. She compares her boyfriend to her friends’ and how they are sweet and eager to care for their girls. You describe really well how disgusted the boyfriend is how she imagined he was scrubbing his body and sheets with aggression. I really like the line “Take the female creature and lock it in a hut until it’s cleanly again!” The ending gives me hope that she ends up leaving him and hopefully teaches him a lesson.
Hey Tommy!
I like how we were left in suspense that Matthew Gagnon had Parkinson’s. The leading up to his eventual suicide was somewhat unexpected. We have many clues in the story that talk about how he is dying but I still did not see it coming. I can tell he is a depressed man who has isolated himself for the past twelve years. The first clue I found was that he fried his last batch of bacon and feeding a piece to Charlotte, saying he does not usually do it but ‘today is a special day’. I read it without thinking much of it. I mean breakfast does not seem to be the main aspect of the story. He gets visited by a young girl that helps him that gives him time to reflect on his life. I am very glad that Charlotte was taken with Maia and taken good care of after his passing. Even though the old man is a grumpy, I was able to feel sad for him when he drowned. The flow of the story worked really well and it came full circle from the beginning.
Chloe,
Your descriptors and relatability right off the bat was intriguing to read, I think that this is totally something that most women have been through and experienced so it’s comforting to hear about and was a bit of a fun read, too. Your use of punctuation draws the reader in to get the atmosphere of your story across, and the raw horror of period sex is all too familiar for any woman. Your constant metaphors add gravity to your story, and the humorous bits are grounding. Your characters’ relationship felt real as well.
Tommy,
You don’t use enough show not tell, I feel that a lot of the exposition in the beginning of your story could have been through dialogue, but I did the same thing in my story now that I’m thinking about it. Your paragraphs are evenly broken up by background and present, good job on that. The way your story unfolds is only enhanced by your ability of even sentence structure, that is something that is hard to master and you’ve managed to even out your story with knowing how to use advanced vocabulary that bleed into descriptive metaphors. Your dialogue is enticing, I felt at the edge of my seat the whole time I was reading this.
Right off the bat, Chloe’s story started off really strong by showing rather than telling one of the character’s traits, and that is their ability to observe the environment and scenery around them. In the first paragraph on page 1, the character is staring up at a wall, and they describe it as a green tapestry that depicted a lush green forest full of pines hung close to the ceiling, crowned by swagged rings of fairy lights that dimly lit the scenery. The way Chloe describes the scene in the perspective of the narrator so well, that it allows me to envision what is happening, but at the same time, I can’t fully envision what this ‘tapestry’ looks like, and that is a good thing. If you can’t fully think about what your being described, I feel like that is impactful in leaving a good impact and last thought for the reader. Furthermore, on the same page and throughout the story, the way the main character describes the boyfriend comes off as passive-aggressive and contradicting because what she does is bring up a positive attribute about him, like how he sweet talks to her with a smile like melted butter, but then makes another point about him being more like a child then a boyfriend. It makes the protagonist’s intentions and tone feel very conflicted and that can lead to an unpredictable plot. Having a character that can flip at the drop of a dime makes me want to keep reading the story and see what else they will do, and that is a very strong trait in a short fiction story. Overall the descriptions in this story are insanely captivating and makes me intrigued to see what else Chloe will do with the story.
Tommy:
Tommy’s first page, even after reading it a couple weeks ago, is still as strong and impactful as it was the first time I read it. This entire first page introduces us to everything the story is about. It gives us our characters and describes their appearances to some extent, with the protagonist looking “like shit” and being old and grey, as well as mentioning another character being angry about a certain conflict and tells us where the character lives, in this case around 10 acres. Everything we need to know is established in this very page, and then the story wastes no time going into the rest of the plot, and that is why I love this entire first page. Also, the fact that the pet, Charloette, is the only character that has a name in the story is super compelling and it stands out to me. I can’t figure out why but it is super interesting to me and I would love to hear more about that. It took us 4 pages to know what the main character’s name was, and I like that.
I don’t know, there is something about these stories that has me hooked, and that is a testament to the writers behind them.
Chloe,
I love this. I really like your detail, especially the “big red clown nose” part. It tells us what’s there while also outlining the embarrassment. I really like that you chose to write about something that is “supposed” to be embarrassing and acknowledged that having to feel embarrassed is irritating, but did it in a way that is true to life and really pulls readers in. You make the boyfriend easily unlikeable—he has redeeming qualities, but I think many people can agree that his reaction is exactly what people who menstruate would absolutely not want in a partner. You kept it interesting by slowly giving more background about the narrator’s life in a way that kept it relevant by also developing her thoughts as the story went on. When that the narrator pokes fun at him, about how she “befouled his precious leg hair” is just perfect. The way that you show instead of telling how these people may not be right for each other is great.
Tommy,
I like that you start this slow. It’s simple, and the character’s personality is already pretty established by the middle of the second page. I like that we are let in on this character’s persistent grief, as it allows us to understand his attitude, why he lives this way, why he makes the decision to let Charlotte go, and ultimately to surrender himself to the land. This is a character who has accepted death many years ago and truly feels as if he will feel better when he is reunited with his wife. I like the inclusion of Charlotte, especially as not just a pet dog but truly his companion, and it was a good choice for you to have him give her to Maia. It eases us into what’s about to happen next.
Hi Chloe! This story is a hilarious rendition of a young woman and her boyfriend during aftercare. It also contains a lot of feminist commentary, which I really enjoy. From the beginning, we see that this relationship is not perfect, and readers see it entirely fall apart throughout the nine pages. I like the amount of background information we get about both characters dispersed throughout the story. Your narrator’s descriptions of the environment, facial expressions, etc., are fantastic and give readers additional insight into the narrator. I would believe it if someone told me this was a professionally written and published short story. Additionally, the ending is, in my opinion, perfection. It’s hilarious and wraps up the story really satisfyingly while still leaving readers wondering what happened next. One question I have is: how did the two characters meet? Also, how long have they been together? It seems like this must be a fairly fresh relationship based on some of the information we’ve been given, but I want to know more. I really don’t have any big comments or critiques for you. There are some small copyediting errors, but that’s really all I noticed. Overall, I think that this is an incredible and funny story that I want to read again.
Hey Tommy! This is a touching story about a man on the brink of death who gets to spend his last days with a figurative angel after his son abandons him. I like your rustic and homey setting; I can smell the cooked sausage and hear the crunchy fall leaves. I think that it’s really easy for readers to picture a small wood cabin with an old dog adorning the floor. I am curious about the role the man’s son plays in this story. I feel like the character could do more for you; the same goes for Maia. There are some copy edits that need to be done and a few moments in the story that, in my opinion, move a touch too slowly. I really like how slowly the story moves; it adds to the feeling of death, fall, and hermit life, but for engagement purposes, I think some scenes could be pared down or removed. For example, meeting Maia takes about two and a half pages. I also want to know more about why Maia decided to go visit the hermit’s island. My final comment on the piece is about page nine, paragraph three, where we learn the main character was diagnosed with Parkinsons. This is 100% just my opinion, but I don’t think that is a necessary detail. In fact, I would argue that it goes against the character you have created thus far. Hear me out; it’s very obvious to the reader that the narrator has Parkinson’s from the beginning. As he’s a hermit, it’s a fairly easily recognizable disease, and he doesn’t have any family that would push him to seek medical treatment; I just can’t picture this character going to the doctor to get a diagnosis of any kind. I don’t think I could even see him getting a yearly check-up. Again, that’s just me. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this story. The character is easy to connect with, and you have done an exceptional job setting the scene for the story.
Tommy,
even after reading your beginning in class a couple classes ago, I was still drawn in right away to the story. I enjoyed how throughout the story you give us little hints about your main character dying but we are ultimately even with the hints surprised a little by his unexpected death. At least for me it was surprising and unexpected. I think adding a little kore about where and why his relationship with his kid failed would be beneficial to the reader just so we aren’t questioning throughout the story. Throughout reading, your vivid descriptions of the setting were great and really allowed me to imagine where the story takes place and the dock. As a whole I really enjoyed this piece I thought it was so interesting how you were able to write from the prospective that you did, and I thought that added to why the story was a great read.
Chloe,
I really enjoyed this story. I liked how you were able to depict the usual thoughts that go through a girl’s mind and as male reader that was really eye opening and interesting to me. I feel like you did a great job at allowing your main character’s personality to be shown through her thoughts and her thinking. As your story continued to progress and moved on, I liked how showed that she was having a realization about her boyfriend that I feel like most girls have and come to when dealing with similar situations. I thought your pacing of the story was good and well balanced from start to finish. I think throughout the story you did a great job at the development of your character. As a whole this was very interesting story and the structure was perfect it allowed me to follow along effortlessly, with that being said, I’d be interested in seeing what’s next for this story.
14 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 8”
Chloe:
Hi Chloe! I think it was really interesting how you included two characters with such different dispositions in your story. Towards the beginning of the story, I felt rather overwhelmed with your main character and how many questions she was asking herself, but as I read on, I soon found that this aided the character build-up for her. With your awareness of the five senses, I think that this really benefited your story in certain spots, and as readers, we can immerge ourselves into the shoes of each character. Your descriptive voice is radiant throughout, especially on p. 1 para. 1, you said, “A green tapestry that depicted a lush green forest full of pines hung close to the ceiling, crowned by swagged strings of fairy lights that dimly lit the bed we were on”. Instead, you could have simply said something along the lines of “A green pine forest tapestry hung on the wall with fairy lights”. This sentence would have been extremely boring however, and your use of descriptive elements really enhances your work. I have never read a story quite like this one, but think it is going to be interesting to see how – or if – you expand it further. Right now, it has a pretty good length and fully encapsulates the idea of a short story and I find that if you choose to leave it how it is, you will still have a good piece.
Tommy:
Hi Tommy. Wow! This is great work here. I can see where you have expanded your story even more from the short snippet we read in class last week. Even with such a long story, I find myself being drawn back to the second paragraph for many reasons. On p. 1 para 2, you write, “As I shuffle out of the kitchen I pass the hall mirror, glimpse myself. Wiry gray hair and beard. Matching gray eyes. Loose hanging clothes that hardly fit me anymore. The boy was right about that. I look like shit”. As this paragraph stands alone, we as readers can already paint a very detailed picture of this man. We can assume that he is clearly going through something, but we just do not know what yet – which is told as we read further. Also with this, your choice to say “Matching gray eyes” is the sort of description you give to someone who has gone without sleep for a long time. We can assume that the boy may have something to do with this, as clearly he has pointed it out to the man before. As I was reading this, I was able to vividly hear the shuffling of slippers (in my mind) on a kitchen floor. This dragging of the feet further supports your detailed description of a very tired and seemingly unmotivated man. The rest of your story was very well written and the level of depth you go into with your descriptive detail of the surrounding elements factor into a great story.
Chloe:
Chloe I really enjoyed your story! In the begining of the story I enjoyed all the questions that your character was asking herself, I think it added to the swirl of thoughts that goes through a girls mind. After the first paragraph I found myself really interested in wanting to read more. As i continued reading I loved how much personality you have your main character. Even without her talking, Just her thoughts gave so much personality to her which was enjoyable to read. In the sentence “He didn’t understand why I liked boy bands, he thought that girls had pillow fights at their sleepovers,…” I loved how this showed almost what stero typical things that girls are interested in, as If they can’t be interested in boy bands or other type of things and I love that you brought a little light to that with that sentence. Throughout the last pages I enjoyed how you can see the change in the character realizing her boyfriend may not be as great as she wanted him to be. You see towards the end when she starts laughing and says ““College is for learning. Consider this life
experience.” it shows that she isn’t as embarrassed as she was when it just happened and I think you showed that really well. The length of the story was perfect it was paced really well and didn’t get boring, I felt interested In what the character was gonna do next.
Tommy:
Tommy your story was something I really, really enjoyed reading. You had great imagery as if I knew exactly what Mathew’s hour looked like and how the dock looked, so reading your story was so enjoyable to read. In the beginning of the story I had felt happy for Mathew to see him having a bit of joy with Maia. I felt like I knew Mathew, and your writing really made me feel that way. Your word choices really brought me into the story, lines like “The only sound is the endless rustling of leaves and the gentle lapping of the lake against the island I call home.” reading that made me almost think I am hearing the same things as him. Throughout the story Mathew knows he is dying, and I think I just kept brushing past that, thinking that he won’t die. But, when read the line “What a gift to have one last visitor and what a blessing for Charlotte to be spared.” I knew exactly what was gonna happen and kept wanting me to read more. The pacing of your story was really well done and kept things moving which i really enjoyed, it created a great story.
“Red Cheeks” is about a girl having sex with her boyfriend. They have an interesting relationship where the two of them seem to be very different personality wise. It is from the girl’s perspective, and we gain insight into her thoughts on life: about what excites her, what doesn’t, how she perceives other people, how she likes to connect with other people, and what she would like in a boyfriend. In short, the story is about a small chapter in the life of a girl.
I like the way the perspective is written from the girl’s point of view. I also like how her jumbled emotions are portrayed in a very realistic manner throughout the story. Her thoughts are balanced well with descriptors as well as one or two mini flashbacks about her interactions with friends that in some way relate to the present circumstances.
Questions: Is the story a larger metaphor or symbolism for something? Like about mistakes, accepting them, being chill? Is this story individualistic or is it intended to portray the emotions and experiences of a larger audience? What is the climax?
I found it interesting that the climax appeared to be connected to the girl just laughing and accepting the weird and tense moment for what it was. The absurdity of the situation, the way it highlights the faults of her boyfriend, and in turn the faults of her hyped up dialogues about her boyfriend. She recognizes that the situation is not anyone’s “fault”, and appears to let go of her insecurities.
“Charlotte’s Sleepover” is about an aging man’s last moments. We gain insight into aspects of his past, why he is living on this island, and towards the end what task he must complete in order to be fulfilled and be ready for death. It is also a story of loneliness and companionship, and their effects on the mind. It is a story of values, and the motivating factors behind living.
I like the way that aspects of the man’s life are slowly revealed throughout the story, keeping the reader interested and also making it so that by the end, the reader can fully understand why the man chose the ending he did. Also the descriptors were really good; I had a clear mental image of what was happening scene by scene.
Questions: Is there a symbolic aspect to the names? How were you able to write in the perspective of a 60+ year old man in a convincingly realistic way even though you are a minor?
It is interesting how Maia’s presence causes such a dramatic change in the turn of events. As a reader, I get the impression that without her presence, life would remain exactly as it had been and the old man would have died of old age or some other natural cause. As it is, the companionship between them enables him to give her Charlotte and thus offers an early escape for him. Though it is curious how he is “reborn” through his time on the island and is experiencing life more fully and then suddenly decides it’s over. Maybe that’s because living on the island did not ease his pain the way he thought it would?
Chloe:
You captured something in your story that I have struggled to wrap my head around for a while: the essence of a mediocre romantic partner. It feels harsh to say. The boyfriend doesn’t seem like a mediocre person. He seems kind and caring for the most part but as a partner to the main character the reader can feel that something is missing. It’s a hard place to be in, where you like someones individual character but they aren’t your romantic match. There’s a lot of guilt there and I think you captured those feelings really well. I think the choice to make this story revolve around a potentially embarrassing moment like a period is a really good choice. I imagine if the boyfriend had taken the occurrence, making jokes perhaps and telling her that she has nothing to be embarrassed about, we may have seen a different kind of shift. The main character may have fallen for him in a big way more than she had thus far. Yet, the way the story turned out, I imagine that we are looking not a relationships turning point but more likely at it’s end.
Tommy
I like the images but I feel like you could show me more instead of telling me his wife died. As a reader I want to know more about why the relationship with the boy is not good. What does French Canadian look like? Maybe describe her and then be like she looks French Canadian. My brother has Parkinson’s so it is interesting how you’ve put the symptoms of that in the story. I think maybe having some more as well would make it show more. I want more with the boy, something more in the background. Maybe he runs into Maia and Charlotte on the mainland and he realizes what is going on with his dad. The plot definitely flows between the characters and that makes the story. And the plot doesn’t own the characters either. It is a good balance. I think that maybe a point of view you could show would be from Charlotte leaving the island from Maia. Or maybe what is going on with Maia on a more depth level of motives? I really enjoyed reading this it had wonderful descriptions and a good set of plot and character for the reader to dive into and get invested easily. I think the dialogue needs to be a bit more work-shopped and smoothed out a bit more, it doesn’t sound quite right or like the characters, but otherwise it is really good writing and world building in it too.
Chloe
First off woah. I loved reading this because it was so descriptive without saying oh i got my period and my boyfriends flipped out. I think that they covered a lot of character and plot building throughout the story. It’s like coming of age for the boyfriend but not almost. Because of his immature and fearful reaction. This was so suspenseful, it kept me engaged in the beginning. I like the descriptions of the characters. It sounds like a friend telling another friend what’s up with a guy they like. It builds the voice of your main character. Also, I can hear exactly what she sounds like, how the plot is moving through her thoughts and actions. Maybe as a reader I’d love some more paragraphs, maybe switching between what he is thinking and feeling inside of his head and comparing them to her. I feel like this story is not finished yet. Maybe they need to have a conversation about how he’s growing and changing based on periods and learning what they are and maybe not becoming disgusted or continuing to be disgusted depending on where you want to head with the story. Some of the questions that she’s asking herself she could ask them in dialogue to make the plot move a bit more then it is. Maybe that way you could give the guy a voice that isn’t just through his actions. Maybe something about his mother and sister being involved in it later perhaps. It is like not coming of an age piece but in that area.
Tommy:
This story was so evocative of a place. You did such a good job of describing the island. I really enjoyed how you approached the setting- using our senses to describe the sound of the boy’s boat motor, Matthew’s baggy clothes and dirty feet, the cold he feels at night, the smell of bacon; it did such a good job of painting a mental picture. Imagery like when you describe Matthew awakening from a dream, “I awake with a start, a slick sheen of sweat covering me.” (p.7 ¶ 1) reminded me of my own memories of a cold sweat, so it really grounded me in that moment. I also really like your portrayal of the perfect cantankerous old man, from his looks to what he says, Matthew really embodies this archetype. The way he describes everything from the Island itself to the stumps in the ground as “mine” really adds to this narrative; I feel almost as if he puts his own thoughts and feelings before that of others. He doesn’t even leave the boy a letter or say a parting word to him as far as we’re told, and yet says, “I hope he knows I love him and I never meant for us to grow apart like this.” (p.12 ¶ 3) Also he describes how he loved his wife deeply and how, “For 18 years I lived for her. She was everything.” but then goes on to say, “With her gone, and my life on the timetable, I realized that in all my 52 years I had never lived. Not for a moment.” The juxtaposition of how he lived for his wife- and yet felt like he had never lived at all was really interesting to me, and It was details like this that really built the character for me. I would like to know more about the boy though. Perhaps if Matthew thought about Maia in relation to his own child, and reminisced about what he had missed, or how they had been close when the boy was young, but grew apart when the boy got to be Maia’s age? I found myself curious, and searching for those details throughout the story. So one suggestion I have would be to incorporate that aspect of Matthew’s life more. Why they fight, why the boy yells at him, maybe Matthew could reflect on what he had done wrong as a father to show his state of depression, or perhaps he could comment on how ungrateful the boy was to show that cantankerous old man attitude you portrayed throughout his character. It could also be interesting to hear some of the story from the son’s perspective- I almost want a part two where we hear about Matthew as a father. Overall really well done, a good atmospheric read!
Tommy
I completely read this as a beginning to a novel. The descriptors made it feel like this, but so does the slowness to the entire read. Not in a bad way, I just mean that the action is a gentler, more gradual action. The slow change is what kept me engaged, and I enjoyed how this story progressed. The narrator waits for his closure, the final task of sending Charlotte off. I think that for readers it may be helpful to know how long the narrator has been accompanied by Charlotte, since her trade off is a pivotal shift. It is clear that your characters have been developed outside of this story, and have lived their lives. I do, however, point out that when you mention anything about being French-Canadian or French-related things it feels like you’re there writing it. It’s clear that some research may have gone into these aspects, and it breaks up the flow a bit. For example, when you inserted the parenthesis on page three, it felt a bit jarring since you do not use them anywhere else in the story, and the comment was not very necessary. I also just want to point out that there are a handful of grammatical and phrasing errors that you might want to check back on, though I know this is just a draft. The plot progression itself is intriguing, where Mr. Gagnon looks incredibly downtrodden, and feels heavy in the beginning. Where this stranger, Maia, brings a new hope for him, and a new life for Charlotte. Though it is not vital to this story, I am curious weather Maia returns to the island with Charlotte after Mr. Gagnon fails to show up at their meeting place.
Chloe
The voice of the narrator is immediately distinct and the reader begins picking up backstory and character traits like a trail of breadcrumbs. I liked seeing the mood shift between the characters in the beginning, where comfort was initially the case but there was a disconnect between them which you display in how they want different things and in how dissimilar they are in temperatures. It swaps when the main character’s boyfriend is in a frantic state, where she is more nonchalant. You flow through that shift nicely. I liked how comfortable the narrator is with periods, as it is still a topic many avoid with disgust, especially men. There was an anecdote on page eight about your cousin’s sister birthing a blood clot, and I feel like this could be moved up in the piece, simply because it further explains the narrator’s comfortability with periods, and her near anger with her boyfriend for being so uneasy with the topic. It shows a great amount of character at the end where the narrator still apologizes for a natural bodily function, even when she shouldn’t have to. The laughter at the end sells it for me, the absurdity of the whole situation is let out, and I love that this was her response after a whirlwind of panic from her boyfriend.
I really enjoyed both Tommy and Chloe’s stories. They were captivating, kept me interested and engaged, and had me feeling satisfied in the end.
I particularly enjoyed how the main character in Chloe’s story analyzed the behavior of her boyfriend. The discomfort in his behavior and movement were noticed by the character, and the way she talked so casually about his embarrassment was refreshing. While she did express embarrassment about what had happened, she seemed more embarrassed of his reaction for him. His frantic disbelief after she had described him as “cool” didn’t match up with the idea she had in her head of him, and I really enjoyed that revelation. Where she realized that he might not be as cool as she thought.
In Tommy’s story I really enjoyed the character of Maia. She was up front, bubbly, and honest, something I really appreciate in a character. She served as almost an exact opposite to Matthew, and that resulted in an interesting and funny dynamic between the two.
Both stories were incredibly fun to read, and I found myself wanting more in the end, getting attached to the characters. Being able to build fleshed out, likeable characters in a short story that readers end up wanting more of is an impressive feat.
Hi Chloe!
I really like how your character is someone many girls can relate to. Your story is about a girl possibly in her early 20s who is restless and wants to have more out of her relationship with her boyfriend. We can hear the insecurities that she insists on brushing off. She is staying with her boyfriend because like you said “it was better than no boyfriend at all.” I think she is trying to ignore his red flags but as the story goes along, we can see that she is getting bothered by his behavior, specifically towards the female body cycles. She compares her boyfriend to her friends’ and how they are sweet and eager to care for their girls. You describe really well how disgusted the boyfriend is how she imagined he was scrubbing his body and sheets with aggression. I really like the line “Take the female creature and lock it in a hut until it’s cleanly again!” The ending gives me hope that she ends up leaving him and hopefully teaches him a lesson.
Hey Tommy!
I like how we were left in suspense that Matthew Gagnon had Parkinson’s. The leading up to his eventual suicide was somewhat unexpected. We have many clues in the story that talk about how he is dying but I still did not see it coming. I can tell he is a depressed man who has isolated himself for the past twelve years. The first clue I found was that he fried his last batch of bacon and feeding a piece to Charlotte, saying he does not usually do it but ‘today is a special day’. I read it without thinking much of it. I mean breakfast does not seem to be the main aspect of the story. He gets visited by a young girl that helps him that gives him time to reflect on his life. I am very glad that Charlotte was taken with Maia and taken good care of after his passing. Even though the old man is a grumpy, I was able to feel sad for him when he drowned. The flow of the story worked really well and it came full circle from the beginning.
Chloe,
Your descriptors and relatability right off the bat was intriguing to read, I think that this is totally something that most women have been through and experienced so it’s comforting to hear about and was a bit of a fun read, too. Your use of punctuation draws the reader in to get the atmosphere of your story across, and the raw horror of period sex is all too familiar for any woman. Your constant metaphors add gravity to your story, and the humorous bits are grounding. Your characters’ relationship felt real as well.
Tommy,
You don’t use enough show not tell, I feel that a lot of the exposition in the beginning of your story could have been through dialogue, but I did the same thing in my story now that I’m thinking about it. Your paragraphs are evenly broken up by background and present, good job on that. The way your story unfolds is only enhanced by your ability of even sentence structure, that is something that is hard to master and you’ve managed to even out your story with knowing how to use advanced vocabulary that bleed into descriptive metaphors. Your dialogue is enticing, I felt at the edge of my seat the whole time I was reading this.
Chloe:
Right off the bat, Chloe’s story started off really strong by showing rather than telling one of the character’s traits, and that is their ability to observe the environment and scenery around them. In the first paragraph on page 1, the character is staring up at a wall, and they describe it as a green tapestry that depicted a lush green forest full of pines hung close to the ceiling, crowned by swagged rings of fairy lights that dimly lit the scenery. The way Chloe describes the scene in the perspective of the narrator so well, that it allows me to envision what is happening, but at the same time, I can’t fully envision what this ‘tapestry’ looks like, and that is a good thing. If you can’t fully think about what your being described, I feel like that is impactful in leaving a good impact and last thought for the reader. Furthermore, on the same page and throughout the story, the way the main character describes the boyfriend comes off as passive-aggressive and contradicting because what she does is bring up a positive attribute about him, like how he sweet talks to her with a smile like melted butter, but then makes another point about him being more like a child then a boyfriend. It makes the protagonist’s intentions and tone feel very conflicted and that can lead to an unpredictable plot. Having a character that can flip at the drop of a dime makes me want to keep reading the story and see what else they will do, and that is a very strong trait in a short fiction story. Overall the descriptions in this story are insanely captivating and makes me intrigued to see what else Chloe will do with the story.
Tommy:
Tommy’s first page, even after reading it a couple weeks ago, is still as strong and impactful as it was the first time I read it. This entire first page introduces us to everything the story is about. It gives us our characters and describes their appearances to some extent, with the protagonist looking “like shit” and being old and grey, as well as mentioning another character being angry about a certain conflict and tells us where the character lives, in this case around 10 acres. Everything we need to know is established in this very page, and then the story wastes no time going into the rest of the plot, and that is why I love this entire first page. Also, the fact that the pet, Charloette, is the only character that has a name in the story is super compelling and it stands out to me. I can’t figure out why but it is super interesting to me and I would love to hear more about that. It took us 4 pages to know what the main character’s name was, and I like that.
I don’t know, there is something about these stories that has me hooked, and that is a testament to the writers behind them.
Chloe,
I love this. I really like your detail, especially the “big red clown nose” part. It tells us what’s there while also outlining the embarrassment. I really like that you chose to write about something that is “supposed” to be embarrassing and acknowledged that having to feel embarrassed is irritating, but did it in a way that is true to life and really pulls readers in. You make the boyfriend easily unlikeable—he has redeeming qualities, but I think many people can agree that his reaction is exactly what people who menstruate would absolutely not want in a partner. You kept it interesting by slowly giving more background about the narrator’s life in a way that kept it relevant by also developing her thoughts as the story went on. When that the narrator pokes fun at him, about how she “befouled his precious leg hair” is just perfect. The way that you show instead of telling how these people may not be right for each other is great.
Tommy,
I like that you start this slow. It’s simple, and the character’s personality is already pretty established by the middle of the second page. I like that we are let in on this character’s persistent grief, as it allows us to understand his attitude, why he lives this way, why he makes the decision to let Charlotte go, and ultimately to surrender himself to the land. This is a character who has accepted death many years ago and truly feels as if he will feel better when he is reunited with his wife. I like the inclusion of Charlotte, especially as not just a pet dog but truly his companion, and it was a good choice for you to have him give her to Maia. It eases us into what’s about to happen next.
Hi Chloe! This story is a hilarious rendition of a young woman and her boyfriend during aftercare. It also contains a lot of feminist commentary, which I really enjoy. From the beginning, we see that this relationship is not perfect, and readers see it entirely fall apart throughout the nine pages. I like the amount of background information we get about both characters dispersed throughout the story. Your narrator’s descriptions of the environment, facial expressions, etc., are fantastic and give readers additional insight into the narrator. I would believe it if someone told me this was a professionally written and published short story. Additionally, the ending is, in my opinion, perfection. It’s hilarious and wraps up the story really satisfyingly while still leaving readers wondering what happened next. One question I have is: how did the two characters meet? Also, how long have they been together? It seems like this must be a fairly fresh relationship based on some of the information we’ve been given, but I want to know more. I really don’t have any big comments or critiques for you. There are some small copyediting errors, but that’s really all I noticed. Overall, I think that this is an incredible and funny story that I want to read again.
Hey Tommy! This is a touching story about a man on the brink of death who gets to spend his last days with a figurative angel after his son abandons him. I like your rustic and homey setting; I can smell the cooked sausage and hear the crunchy fall leaves. I think that it’s really easy for readers to picture a small wood cabin with an old dog adorning the floor. I am curious about the role the man’s son plays in this story. I feel like the character could do more for you; the same goes for Maia. There are some copy edits that need to be done and a few moments in the story that, in my opinion, move a touch too slowly. I really like how slowly the story moves; it adds to the feeling of death, fall, and hermit life, but for engagement purposes, I think some scenes could be pared down or removed. For example, meeting Maia takes about two and a half pages. I also want to know more about why Maia decided to go visit the hermit’s island. My final comment on the piece is about page nine, paragraph three, where we learn the main character was diagnosed with Parkinsons. This is 100% just my opinion, but I don’t think that is a necessary detail. In fact, I would argue that it goes against the character you have created thus far. Hear me out; it’s very obvious to the reader that the narrator has Parkinson’s from the beginning. As he’s a hermit, it’s a fairly easily recognizable disease, and he doesn’t have any family that would push him to seek medical treatment; I just can’t picture this character going to the doctor to get a diagnosis of any kind. I don’t think I could even see him getting a yearly check-up. Again, that’s just me. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this story. The character is easy to connect with, and you have done an exceptional job setting the scene for the story.
Tommy,
even after reading your beginning in class a couple classes ago, I was still drawn in right away to the story. I enjoyed how throughout the story you give us little hints about your main character dying but we are ultimately even with the hints surprised a little by his unexpected death. At least for me it was surprising and unexpected. I think adding a little kore about where and why his relationship with his kid failed would be beneficial to the reader just so we aren’t questioning throughout the story. Throughout reading, your vivid descriptions of the setting were great and really allowed me to imagine where the story takes place and the dock. As a whole I really enjoyed this piece I thought it was so interesting how you were able to write from the prospective that you did, and I thought that added to why the story was a great read.
Chloe,
I really enjoyed this story. I liked how you were able to depict the usual thoughts that go through a girl’s mind and as male reader that was really eye opening and interesting to me. I feel like you did a great job at allowing your main character’s personality to be shown through her thoughts and her thinking. As your story continued to progress and moved on, I liked how showed that she was having a realization about her boyfriend that I feel like most girls have and come to when dealing with similar situations. I thought your pacing of the story was good and well balanced from start to finish. I think throughout the story you did a great job at the development of your character. As a whole this was very interesting story and the structure was perfect it allowed me to follow along effortlessly, with that being said, I’d be interested in seeing what’s next for this story.