Hi Jack! Overall, you have a great story and I liked how you weren’t overwhelming the readers with dialogue. With all of us having different experiences with the covid pandemic and lockdown, it was interesting to read about a more serious topic like this in the form of a short fiction story. I do have to say that there are a lot of swears throughout, and I would try to refrain from using so many of them. I personally found them a bit distracting, but I do not see them harming your writing in any way if you choose to keep them. On p. 3 in the last paragraph, you say, “When I got outside, it was beautiful outside. The sun was shining, the clouds looked bright like a lab coat…”. I would reword these sentences and say something along the lines of, “When I got outside, the sun was shining and the clouds looked like cotton…”. The comparison of clouds to white lab coats was a bit confusing to me, and I would better see the visual if you compared them to cotton or pillows. Another small detail I noticed was how you described the pills in the bottle being birth control. I see where you are going with this, but birth control only comes in packs and never bottles because they are taken in a specific order. Maybe change the bottle to a pill case instead? Your story so far made me want to continue reading and I am excited to see where you go with the ending. Do you leave it how it is? Do you expand it more?
Phoebe:
Hi Phoebe! This is a super interesting story and you had my full attention the entire time I was reading. On p. 1 para. 1, there is a sentence that I would possibly reword. You said, “The wood is dark tan but bleached by the sun on the side it blazes on the screen”. I sort-of see what you are trying to describe, but the way you worded it is a bit hard for me to envision. Is there a way you can change this? Also in that paragraph you say, “As her breathing intensified as a figure emerged into the outside of the café”. I would get rid of the first “as” and start off with “her” instead, because it seems a bit repetitive. There are also some paragraphs throughout your story where you have a hanging indent, but others remain aligned to the left margin. For a cleaner look, I would stay consistent with whichever paragraph format you use, so it is easier for readers to see the paragraph breaks. Throughout the essay there are just a few capitalization errors and sentences that could be combined with others. On p. 5 para. 2, I love the paragraph that you italicized. There are so many descriptions throughout, which enhances the story even more. Another small aspect that I really found interesting were the names you assigned to your characters. They are names that are not as commonly seen in other stories, which makes your story even that much more personalized. This story makes me question; do you end it with a cliff hanger? What direction are you going to take with the ending?
Jack
I liked how you captured people’s worries and a lot of struggles and scary events that happened during COVID . I think it was a little rushed when he was running and falling a lot to his apartment. It was a bit hard to read the descriptions in that paragraph up until he got to Brittney’s house. Then it was a lot easier to read. Your story felt a bit rushed only in between those two settings. It could be that you did it on purpose to show how much the main character was panicking. I really like how you captured a kind of horror with the quiet locked down neighborhood that Shaun lives in. It was very descriptive and moved the story along with the plot, it was a good set up for the panicked phone call from Brittney. Will you give a bit more to your audience, this story doesn’t seem finished yet? You’ve left too big of a cliff hanger.
“My Face, Your Hands” appears to be about the relationship between a daughter and a mother, and the effects of a strained relationship between the two. It is also about cosmetics fashion, and about how both mother and daughter are into it, at least in part because of inherited scars or other features that could in some way (example: clay) be covered up through cosmetics fashion. The daughter’s interest in cosmetic fashion, however, can be questioned on the grounds that she might have applied to Bolton solely to get her mother in trouble with the university, as implied at the end of the story. Overall, the main storyline appears to be about the effects of the strained relationship between mother and daughter, which might be in part due to the inherited scars but is not really elaborated on in the story.
I like that the topic is very unique, yet the characters are portrayed as genuine, relatable, human beings who have faults and are trying to find their way in life.
It would interest me as a reader to learn what caused the rift between the mother and daughter, what role the father (who is only mentioned very briefly) played in that, and why Judith wants to get back at Genevieve rather than accept her mothers genuine attempt at reconnection. The last page or so of the story makes Judith look like the jerk in this situation, but there is likely a lot more to this relationship, some of which could be elaborated on so that the character’s actions, especially Judith’s could be better understood.
I think that the descriptions helped paint a good picture for the reader, but there were many instances of redundancies in the imagery throughout the passage. For example, in paragraph one, the wood frame of the restaurant is described as being “bleached by the sun” on “the side it blazes”. The later part of the description is implied by the first part, and could thus be eliminated. I was initially confused because I thought that the second part was describing a different attribute of the wood, when in actuality it appears that it was describing the same one.
“The Incurable” is about a man and his relationship with his girlfriend during the especially stressful time of covid 19. It is in many ways about the mental aspect of covid, and how the stress it caused lead in some cases to people acting in extreme mannerisms. It reminds us about how the lives of otherwise ordinary people can be dramatically influenced by the difficulties of major events. The story is also about love and how it motivates people.
I like how the descriptors perfectly match the mood of Shaun, enhancing the first person point of view. I also like how one can feel his mind racing throughout his thought processes, especially as the action and tension in the story begins to build up. I also like how the story reminds the reader of how normal difficulties can spiral out of proportion during major events as a result of the compounded anxiety of many people.
I am curious as to how Brittany’s father was affected by the covid virus. Covid was a stressful time for many people, but his reactions to the pandemic seemed to be especially extreme. The story also states that covid affected Brittany’s family hard, but does not elaborate. Perhaps someone in the family died? Knowing what caused the hardships in her family would help the reader to understand how Brittany’s family situation got to be as awful as it is. I am also wondering what Shaun makes of the birth control scenario at the end, and how he is going to react to it. Will he lash out, or make some unwarranted assumption about Brittany?
The beginning starts off right in the middle of the action, which is engaging. The beginning also comes off as very strong given that we do not know anything about Shaun. Perhaps making the word choices slightly more mild in the first few paragraphs and then using stronger language as he gets more and more anxious and angry would better demonstrate how Shaun’s mood changes as a result of the events, and make him appear less dramatic from the start and more like an ordinary person with normal difficulties who is going through a really rough sequence of events.
Jack
I like how this piece dove into such heavy topics, but the lightheartedness that the narrator brings in the beginning is reassuring. Ultimately this story brings to light the abuse and horrors that some people may have experienced during the Covid-19 pandemic when they were forced into their homes with potentially nowhere else to go. It is cool how you depict the quietness of humans as the narrator goes to the park, this is where I got a little confused as the narrator begins experiencing these hallucinations. One idea I thought of was seeing this warped vision of the same street as the narrator tumbles back home. The use of simile is great here, it helps put the reader into the world and likens each thing to a more descriptive and specific thing. One question I had about this is why the narrator was mad about the antidepressants before knowing it was birth control? Maybe I missed something, I don’t know. I like how you used Covid, as readers can relate, but in some ways it is depicted much differently than the actual Covid-19. Where I feel you could have the liberty in this piece to call it something else so it is still similar but has these obvious differences? Overall I enjoyed reading this Jack!
Phoebe
This piece is really interesting, it has its own unique world and depicts the strained relationship between mother and daughter. The tension between the two was palpable, and the realization that the mother cares far more about her company/profession than her own daughter was sad. I would be curious to hear a bit more about that dynamic between them when the daughter was younger/growing up in these moments. The use of imagery particularly in the beginning stuck out to me. It was like I could see and I would wince at the sun dots in my own eyes. The feeling (grittiness) and sound of a chipped spot on a ceramic cup is another off-putting but an immersive sensory experience that works really well for the reader. I got a tiny bit confused at the end where the daughter outsmarts her mother for the company or plans? This spot might need a little more elaboration but I also could have missed something. Overall I really like this!
Jack:
Jack, this story was a strong usage of first person narrative. Shaun had a really consistent voice that you clearly depicted throughout the story. I really liked how you addressed some of the real issues that took place during the pandemic too. Not only do you cover how scary the pandemic was but you also show us how domestic abuse increased with the stay at home orders which I appreciated. I think there’s a lot of potential here for a very chilling, impactful story. My question for you is, what are you trying to say with this story? You have a compelling start to a story about covid, a compelling story about domestic abuse, and a compelling story about a couple who encounter pregnancy, and possibly even infidelity? I really want to see what direction you take it in, but I feel like it will be more impactful if you choose a main statement you want to make and run with it. For example, if this was a covid focused story and we went with Shaun through the long days of stay at home orders, and the zoom meetings, only seeing people’s faces through the clinical light of an LED screen, we would be immersed in that pandemic world. If we got to see this couple’s ups and downs, and possibly got a little background on their relationship, with the climax of the story being Brittany catching covid, the horror Shaun would feel in that moment, and the uncertainty of covid putting Brittany’s life in danger would be really strong, and is something a lot of people went through in the early days of the pandemic. Perhaps, rather than telling us that Brittany’s dad is abusive, you could show us that by having Shaun hear yelling in the background, or maybe having Brittany’s father barge into her room while she’s on the phone. Maybe Shaun didn’t know the extent of the abuse until this point, so we hear him struggling with how to help her. Those are just a few ideas. Your descriptions were really evocative as well, I especially liked your description of the silent world on the bottom of page 3 and top of page 4. I could really see the picture you were describing. One question that I have is, what happens to the mother? We see her bleeding out on the floor and then we never hear about her again, could expand on that point maybe?
Phoebe:
Phoebe, this story was so original and unique, your descriptions were so vivid, they had really strong imagery. I felt like your points about this futuristic makeup product, “the clay”, were almost a sort of social commentary, describing in an overstated way, the feelings many women have about their own appearance and the pressure to cover up not only their faces, but their personalities, and emotions as well. I was confused by the verb tense changes throughout the story, which occasionally required me to reread a passage to fully understand it. I feel like her mother tried to remove her freckles when she was young and that’s how she got her scarred face, but it was unclear how the mother and daughter got their scars exactly, so expansion on that point might help make the story more impactful. Also I would love to know what the daughter is getting revenge for, I think maybe knowing what exactly the mother did, or at least alluding to it, would make the ending more impactful for the reader and provide us with more context for why the daughter would go to such drastic lengths to take revenge on her mother.
Jack’s story, The Incurable, had me hooked. I felt like he really captured the desperation and isolation of the pandemic, how terrifying it was, especially in the early days. While most people were able to follow the stay-at-home order, their daily lives interrupted at worst, Jack really exemplified how difficult it was for people in dangerous situations. People in abusive households used work, school, and social events as ways to escape the torment of their home life, and with the stay-at-home order, it became impossible for them to escape it. I think it’s important to reflect on COVID not just as a simple disruption in our lives but for how terrifying and dangerous it really was. Overall, I really enjoyed the story, I thought the revelation in the end was shocking and heartbreaking, aligning with the rest of the story. I only have two suggestions. My first is about the format. Without paragraph separation the whole story looks a bit like a block of text, making it difficult to consume. Tabbing each new paragraph would be a good idea to make it more digestible. Lastly, the only other thing I noticed was the dialogue. It was important and helped to move the story along, but it felt a bit forced. What I would do is try to make the dialogue as natural as possible, for example, if a character laughs say, “he laughed” instead of using “hahaha”. It makes the story a little cleaner.
Phoebe’s story was compelling. My favorite part of it was the tension you could feel between Genevieve and Judith. The words they shared, the body language they used, and the circumstances they were under contributed to the tense conversation shared between mother and daughter. I can always come to appreciate the dynamic of two characters if its tense. It’s interesting to think about what might’ve happened to get their relationship this way, and it short stories, that is not often revealed. I especially appreciated the betrayal at the end. When the two characters finally seemed to be bonding, lowering their walls, Judith showed her true intentions. The letter she left her mother, getting her in trouble, was a good way to show their relationship. My only note would be that I found I had a hard time following what was happening. When scenes would change it was hard for me to notice or understand. I struggled to understand the relationship between the two, and what Judith was asking for specifically. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the story.
Your story was really good in keeping us in suspense. The cliffhanger ending makes me want to know what happens next. I like how the setting is just as bleak as how the characters are feeling. I think I would really like to know the backstory of why the dad, Mr. Codger became a drunk and wife beater. I think it would add more to the story if he was someone loved and respected and suddenly became this wicked man. I want to know why he is abusive. The descriptions you used like, “The rails on the patio steps representing the decaying teeth of a rotten smile. It is like having a staring contest with Satan himself.” I’m wondering if maybe the story can include some lawyer stuff because we know that he works from home due to COVID which was a great way to carry over to how dead silent the world is outside. I feel like there is a disconnect to him being a lawyer and the rest of the story.
Hi Pheobe!
Oh my gosh this is so interesting! I love how you created the world of makeup and used ideas and things I personally have never read or seen in a story. This story just leaves me wondering about so many things. Why does the dad have custody of Judith? Is this a sci fi genre because of the clay makeup that Judith wears? Are both mother and daughter hiding their insecurities behind makeup? What happened to them? Trending makeup that is killing people? I just need to know more. I feel like this story is filled with mystery that I just cannot decipher. I think it is a great story, I love the idea of makeup catered towards insecurities and the potential controversy surrounding it.
Jack,
I like your take on this family’s experience during the pandemic. As we know, it was difficult and dangerous for everybody, but especially for people with otherwise turbulent and abusive home lives and I like that you brought that to light. I personally found some of the language out of place, like the excessive swearing from the narrator in the beginning before the drama—I think it works more as the suspense builds so maybe you could just save it for that to make it especially impactful. I think a little bit more explanation of setting would be helpful here, like what month it is and how long these people have been in lockdown for, and maybe even a little more explanation about Shaun’s relationship with Brittany, like how long they’ve been together or what their relationship was like before they were forced to change their dynamic. This would be really great in pulling us into the story even further!
Phoebe,
This story is such a unique way to show how a mother and daughter might navigate their strained relationship. You did a great job showing the tension between the two, especially in the first scene. My only issue with it is that it’s sometimes difficult to tell what’s going on, but I think an easy fix for that is to read it out loud after you finish writing it to be sure that it’s easy to follow. I love your ideas about the “clay” makeup, and how you show that these two women grow closer together only to be pulled apart again by this letter at the end. I would have loved to be able to understand what caused this rift in their relationship, and why Judith lives only with her father. I think that even just hinting at these things or revealing them as the story progresses would be a great but still natural way to fit them in.
Hi Jack,
I really enjoyed reading your piece! Your ability to capture vivid imagery and emotional depth stood out to me. For example, in the scene where you described the rain hitting the pavement like a “relentless drummer,” I could almost hear the raindrops in my head. It really added a powerful atmosphere to the moment and set the tone for the character’s introspection. I also appreciated how you brought the protagonist’s internal struggle to life, particularly in the passage where you described his decision as “carrying the weight of a hundred stones on his shoulders.” The metaphor not only conveyed the heaviness of the situation but made the emotional stakes feel very real. One of the strongest elements for me was how you built tension during the confrontation scene. How you wrote the dialogue – shirt, clipped, and tense – gave the characters a sense of urgency and conflict. It was one of those moments where I felt like I was watching it unfold in the room with them. That said, I have a couple of suggestions. I found the background info in the first paragraph; even the following paragraphs at the beginning were a bit much. Although necessary, you could have hinted at that information in the subsequent few paragraphs instead of telling the reader the scene, slowly unfolding for them and letting them wonder where they are for a little bit before helping them put pieces together. Additionally, I was curious about the backstory of the secondary character, Laura. Maybe adding a bit more detail about her motivations or past to build her into the present would help make her feel as fully realized as the protagonist.
Pheobe:
I love how the story uses clay as a symbol for perfection and artificiality, showing how it masks both physical scars and emotional wounds. For example, Genevieve’s refusal to remove her clay makeup conveys how she shields herself from vulnerability, while Judith’s gradual acceptance of her natural freckles demonstrates her desire to break free from her mother’s rigid expectations. The descriptions of Genevieve’s makeup and appearance—like her “glowering glitter pale makeup” and how her face never melts—create a vivid, eerie image of someone trying too hard to maintain control. The dialogue between mother and daughter also has great tension, especially when Judith bluntly asks for help with her career, and Genevieve’s panic shows her reluctance to engage emotionally with her daughter. I do have a few questions: What deeper trauma lies behind Genevieve’s obsession with clay makeup? Is there a past event or societal pressure that pushed her to live this way? What role did Robert play in shaping Judith and Genevieve’s relationship? Why does Genevieve fear him calling the police if she talks to Judith?
One suggestion is to clarify the backstory between Genevieve and Judith a little more. The conflict between them is intriguing, but I found myself wanting more specifics about what went wrong in their relationship. Was it Genevieve’s career that pulled her away, or was it something else? A bit more context about Judith’s past experiences with her mother could deepen the emotional stakes. Another suggestion would be to explore Judith’s internal conflict more. She’s clearly struggling with wanting her mother’s help while resenting her, but I’d love to see more of her thoughts and feelings about how this impacts her identity. The dynamic around beauty standards, especially how Genevieve profits from them, and Judith’s resistance to those ideals, could be expanded. I also felt like the scene at the cafe was drawn out and had some repetitive details, cutting back on those might help the flow of the story and get to the conversation between them.
This piece connects to themes of societal beauty standards, family expectations, and how trauma manifests physically and emotionally. It reminded me of the way media and industries prey on insecurities to market beauty products, much like Judith’s question about marketing cosmetics to people’s insecurities. There’s also a sense of generational trauma and how it can be passed down, which makes the story feel rich with emotional depth.
Journal #10
Jack
I thought this was a really interesting story. I like how you chose to examine pandemic life and a person who is really not built for social distancing. Who you do a good job of describing powerful emotions and show the weight of what your characters are experiencing. I like how you chose to include the walk in the park prior to the disaster. This allows us readers to see your main character’s relatively relaxed disposition prior to how he is in action. One thought I had was that I want to know more about the city we are in. I want to hear more about where he walks and the drive to his girlfriend’s house. Where are we, what are we seeing? I think the plot becomes a little murky after we arrive at the girlfriend’s house. There’s a lot of telling and maybe not enough showing. A lot is happening at once, which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s important to give readers time to focus on exactly what is happening at that moment. An example is when your main character tackles the father and then proceeds to have a conversation with his girlfriend and calls 911. Does he have a free hand to dial 911? I think this is an area where you can focus entirely on the struggle with the father and after he passes out you can move on to the rest. Overall, I really liked the story and I’m excited about what you can make of it.
Phoebe
What a fun story. I always love starting a story and being at an utter loss of what is happening, and having the plot revealed to me piece by piece. You did a great job of this. I would say we really don’t find out what is really happening until the very last paragraph. I was confused throughout the story but not in a negative way. That balance makes it very difficult to stop reading because you make it so I need to know what happens next. I remember Professor Miller talking about how everything serves a purpose in a short story which makes me wonder why Genevieve has a dog? Is it to humanize before the final paragraph? All in all a cool story.
Pheobe,
You have a lot of heavy descriptors in the beginning of your work, they’re wonderfully vivid but I think that there are so many that they take away from the story. I love when you wrote “the canvas of her face;” and the names you give your characters are enticing. It feels like I’m there with your characters, you’re using senses to make your audience feel like they’re within your story, you’re very good utilizing that skill. I feel that you need more punctuation in your story, there’s a lot of stopping and starting and run on sentences. Your use of background on the characters makes them feel human, good job. Your “Judith needed her clay and click cosmetics” paragraph was a wonderful read, really felt like I was inside someone’s head. Some of your grammar needs work. In literature, sound is a big part of moving a story along. A sudden bang can be used as a scene change or a new direction of thought, and you’ve utilized it well.
Jack,
You immediately shove us into this world we’re all too familiar with. I think that your use of curse words is a bit unprofessional, but maybe it adds to the story and fleshes out your character in a relatable way; everyone was frustrated over covid. after all. Your use of dialogue speeds the story along, I found the pacing nice and even. You should try to use some more transitions between dialogue, leave room for some thoughts and emotion to flow instead of jumping to the next sentence. I feel you need to show not tell as much, maybe unfold your story through dialogue since you’re using so much of it in the beginning of this story. I loved when he started reflecting on his past before the pandemic, that’s a good use of audience relation. You should try to be in the physical as well as the mental when writing, I think you should utilize more senses over exposition.
Jack, I really loved the premise of your story! I think it was great to use COVID in your story, as it is a time everyone went through, and made your story more relatable. The way your dialogue was set up was perfect and made it easy to read and not overwhelming which I really enjoyed! One of the recommendations I suggest is just fact checking on the way birth control is packaged, it does not come in a bottle but comes in packs so I would definitely change that detail. Another thing is I would think of breaking up the big paragraph on page 3 just to make it less overwhelming. I really loved the quote you wrote on page 4 “Have you ever been having a fantastic evening, with everything going your way,and then all of a sudden, a random bad memory or thought pops into your head and spoils your entire mood? Yup, that’s exactly what happened.” I really enjoyed this, it made me nod my head in agreement when I was reading, it gave the reader a good connection to your story. Overall your story was very entertaining and kept me wanting to read more, so I am excited to see the final version!
Phoebe:
Phoebe I really enjoyed how different your story was! It was something I have never read before and it was really enjoyable to read. This line from page 2 “She loves the sun. She loves the way
it feels, it warms her up. The way it messes with her skin. It burns sometimes but otherwise it
feels refreshing and freeing. She felt beautifully relaxed when she is in it, in her own skin.” I really loved this, I loved the way it was worded and how you can tell really how much your character loves the sun. I also loved that this was in 3rd person. I think it was a perfect choice for the story. A suggestion I have is to just go through and make sure that some of your words are capitalized. But overall I loved how descriptive your story was and I am excited to read the final story!
Jack: For starters, really enjoyed this story and found it compelling how you chose to explore pandemic life and its emotional impact on someone who isn’t well-suited for social distancing. I think you did an amazing job at diving into heavy topics and i thought you did a great job at matching that with lightheartedness. I found it interesting how you set up the walk in the park and paired it with the moment of disaster and I thought that was a nice contrast. I think the story does a great job at bringing light to the events that some people may have faced during the times of covid, and I think you did a great job at showcasing covid in a different way than what we as readers are used to. I think one thing that could be refined is the sequencing. It felt as if sometimes there were a lot of things going on at once. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece and think you did a great job of portraying powerful emotions and the weight of what your characters are experiencing. I’m excited to see where you take this story next.
Pheobe, I thought your story was very well written and I liked the compelling tension between Genevieve and Judith. For me as a reader I enjoyed how you depicted the body language, and the words that they said to each other and how all of this created the sense of tension that is entertaining as a reader. I think the part about the letter and how it eventually ended up getting her in trouble was a great was to depict the status and stage of their relationship. The imagery that you used throughout the story was great. It felt as if everything you were describing was something that I was actually feeling and hearing. Overall, I really enjoyed the story and think you did a fantastic job of capturing the tension and complexity of these characters’ relationship.
Your story is extremely inventive when it comes to plot, character building and descriptions. In the beginning of the story, one piece of description that I thought was super imaginative was when you said the sentence “the Canvas on your face” because I like how it almost ties into the narrative and themes of the story. Plus, the idea of portraying the facial features of somebody to that of a canvas is smart and allows me to easily visualize it in my head. Something that I thought was fascinating, but I had a question about was on pages 4 and 5, the last paragraph and the second paragraph are completely italicized, and furthermore, the way each paragraph is written, especially the first one on page 4, are viscerally atrocious to envision. Just the thought of clay eating away at somebody’s skin and bones and leaving a permanent mark for everyone to see visibly makes me cringe at the thought of it. Your descriptions in these paragraphs are great at capturing the readers attention and making them think, however, I am a little confused on what I am actually reading in these sections. Is this what Judith is thinking after her mother leaves? Is the scenario with Elizabeth actually happening? I think just a little more clarity in what is happening here would help me better understand the plot. Lastly, on page 8, I notice how you mention that Genevieve “bit her lip and winced at the reaction of her daughter knowing what was under her mistake. When she had seen her in class the day she wasn’t wearing clay.,” on page 8. Although towards the end the plot kind of loses me a bit, this quote does a great job at tying back to the beginning of the story and the theme of the story with the clay. The idea that the clay was a mask that individuals where to almost hide is super powerful and resonates with me, and that is the message I get from your very well written story. I am excited to see where you take it, if you decide to continue with this.
Phoebe, you are really talented at creating descriptions that capture a reader’s senses and layer metaphors. One that sticks out to me is the continuous reference to makeup as clay. There are a lot of interesting conflicts happening in this story between the daughter and mother, the daughter and father, and the daughter and herself. I am slightly confused by the plot. It feels like so much happens throughout your nine pages that, as a reader, I have a bit of whiplash. I feel like honing in on one of the scenes (like the lunch where the daughter asks the mom for money or seeing her mom in a professional setting for the first time) would be interesting. I am also curious about the social role of your characters. Are they nobility? Highly respected business women and professors? Both? Overall, I feel like you have a lot of really interesting things happening here.
Jack, wow. Your story flows so smoothly that I felt like I was in it. The tension and build-up you create is spectacular. I genuinely felt my heart rate increase while reading this. I do feel as though maybe you did a bit of the ‘everything but the kitchen sink’ method in this story, including a raging alcoholic, deadly virus, murder, pregnancy, relationship problems, etc. That being said, you managed to fit all of that in a way that made sense and was clear to the reader. I do have one question and critique. The question: Why is a guy at a top law firm dating a girl who is still living with her parents? It seems like there’s probably a huge age gap there, right? My critique is that your character swears a lot. Although I don’t necessarily think that’s a problem, I do think there are moments where you could switch the dialogue to include more information. Also, at the bottom of page seven, your character says: “From upstairs, I can hear what sounds like a back alley rumble, with tons of profanity being hurled. It makes me want to vomit hearing those words get tossed around.” However, as I mentioned, half of your character’s dialogue is cursing, so that comment felt out of place to me. Overall, this is fantastic, and it is clear to me that you are a seasoned writer.
15 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 10”
Jack:
Hi Jack! Overall, you have a great story and I liked how you weren’t overwhelming the readers with dialogue. With all of us having different experiences with the covid pandemic and lockdown, it was interesting to read about a more serious topic like this in the form of a short fiction story. I do have to say that there are a lot of swears throughout, and I would try to refrain from using so many of them. I personally found them a bit distracting, but I do not see them harming your writing in any way if you choose to keep them. On p. 3 in the last paragraph, you say, “When I got outside, it was beautiful outside. The sun was shining, the clouds looked bright like a lab coat…”. I would reword these sentences and say something along the lines of, “When I got outside, the sun was shining and the clouds looked like cotton…”. The comparison of clouds to white lab coats was a bit confusing to me, and I would better see the visual if you compared them to cotton or pillows. Another small detail I noticed was how you described the pills in the bottle being birth control. I see where you are going with this, but birth control only comes in packs and never bottles because they are taken in a specific order. Maybe change the bottle to a pill case instead? Your story so far made me want to continue reading and I am excited to see where you go with the ending. Do you leave it how it is? Do you expand it more?
Phoebe:
Hi Phoebe! This is a super interesting story and you had my full attention the entire time I was reading. On p. 1 para. 1, there is a sentence that I would possibly reword. You said, “The wood is dark tan but bleached by the sun on the side it blazes on the screen”. I sort-of see what you are trying to describe, but the way you worded it is a bit hard for me to envision. Is there a way you can change this? Also in that paragraph you say, “As her breathing intensified as a figure emerged into the outside of the café”. I would get rid of the first “as” and start off with “her” instead, because it seems a bit repetitive. There are also some paragraphs throughout your story where you have a hanging indent, but others remain aligned to the left margin. For a cleaner look, I would stay consistent with whichever paragraph format you use, so it is easier for readers to see the paragraph breaks. Throughout the essay there are just a few capitalization errors and sentences that could be combined with others. On p. 5 para. 2, I love the paragraph that you italicized. There are so many descriptions throughout, which enhances the story even more. Another small aspect that I really found interesting were the names you assigned to your characters. They are names that are not as commonly seen in other stories, which makes your story even that much more personalized. This story makes me question; do you end it with a cliff hanger? What direction are you going to take with the ending?
Jack
I liked how you captured people’s worries and a lot of struggles and scary events that happened during COVID . I think it was a little rushed when he was running and falling a lot to his apartment. It was a bit hard to read the descriptions in that paragraph up until he got to Brittney’s house. Then it was a lot easier to read. Your story felt a bit rushed only in between those two settings. It could be that you did it on purpose to show how much the main character was panicking. I really like how you captured a kind of horror with the quiet locked down neighborhood that Shaun lives in. It was very descriptive and moved the story along with the plot, it was a good set up for the panicked phone call from Brittney. Will you give a bit more to your audience, this story doesn’t seem finished yet? You’ve left too big of a cliff hanger.
“My Face, Your Hands” appears to be about the relationship between a daughter and a mother, and the effects of a strained relationship between the two. It is also about cosmetics fashion, and about how both mother and daughter are into it, at least in part because of inherited scars or other features that could in some way (example: clay) be covered up through cosmetics fashion. The daughter’s interest in cosmetic fashion, however, can be questioned on the grounds that she might have applied to Bolton solely to get her mother in trouble with the university, as implied at the end of the story. Overall, the main storyline appears to be about the effects of the strained relationship between mother and daughter, which might be in part due to the inherited scars but is not really elaborated on in the story.
I like that the topic is very unique, yet the characters are portrayed as genuine, relatable, human beings who have faults and are trying to find their way in life.
It would interest me as a reader to learn what caused the rift between the mother and daughter, what role the father (who is only mentioned very briefly) played in that, and why Judith wants to get back at Genevieve rather than accept her mothers genuine attempt at reconnection. The last page or so of the story makes Judith look like the jerk in this situation, but there is likely a lot more to this relationship, some of which could be elaborated on so that the character’s actions, especially Judith’s could be better understood.
I think that the descriptions helped paint a good picture for the reader, but there were many instances of redundancies in the imagery throughout the passage. For example, in paragraph one, the wood frame of the restaurant is described as being “bleached by the sun” on “the side it blazes”. The later part of the description is implied by the first part, and could thus be eliminated. I was initially confused because I thought that the second part was describing a different attribute of the wood, when in actuality it appears that it was describing the same one.
“The Incurable” is about a man and his relationship with his girlfriend during the especially stressful time of covid 19. It is in many ways about the mental aspect of covid, and how the stress it caused lead in some cases to people acting in extreme mannerisms. It reminds us about how the lives of otherwise ordinary people can be dramatically influenced by the difficulties of major events. The story is also about love and how it motivates people.
I like how the descriptors perfectly match the mood of Shaun, enhancing the first person point of view. I also like how one can feel his mind racing throughout his thought processes, especially as the action and tension in the story begins to build up. I also like how the story reminds the reader of how normal difficulties can spiral out of proportion during major events as a result of the compounded anxiety of many people.
I am curious as to how Brittany’s father was affected by the covid virus. Covid was a stressful time for many people, but his reactions to the pandemic seemed to be especially extreme. The story also states that covid affected Brittany’s family hard, but does not elaborate. Perhaps someone in the family died? Knowing what caused the hardships in her family would help the reader to understand how Brittany’s family situation got to be as awful as it is. I am also wondering what Shaun makes of the birth control scenario at the end, and how he is going to react to it. Will he lash out, or make some unwarranted assumption about Brittany?
The beginning starts off right in the middle of the action, which is engaging. The beginning also comes off as very strong given that we do not know anything about Shaun. Perhaps making the word choices slightly more mild in the first few paragraphs and then using stronger language as he gets more and more anxious and angry would better demonstrate how Shaun’s mood changes as a result of the events, and make him appear less dramatic from the start and more like an ordinary person with normal difficulties who is going through a really rough sequence of events.
Jack
I like how this piece dove into such heavy topics, but the lightheartedness that the narrator brings in the beginning is reassuring. Ultimately this story brings to light the abuse and horrors that some people may have experienced during the Covid-19 pandemic when they were forced into their homes with potentially nowhere else to go. It is cool how you depict the quietness of humans as the narrator goes to the park, this is where I got a little confused as the narrator begins experiencing these hallucinations. One idea I thought of was seeing this warped vision of the same street as the narrator tumbles back home. The use of simile is great here, it helps put the reader into the world and likens each thing to a more descriptive and specific thing. One question I had about this is why the narrator was mad about the antidepressants before knowing it was birth control? Maybe I missed something, I don’t know. I like how you used Covid, as readers can relate, but in some ways it is depicted much differently than the actual Covid-19. Where I feel you could have the liberty in this piece to call it something else so it is still similar but has these obvious differences? Overall I enjoyed reading this Jack!
Phoebe
This piece is really interesting, it has its own unique world and depicts the strained relationship between mother and daughter. The tension between the two was palpable, and the realization that the mother cares far more about her company/profession than her own daughter was sad. I would be curious to hear a bit more about that dynamic between them when the daughter was younger/growing up in these moments. The use of imagery particularly in the beginning stuck out to me. It was like I could see and I would wince at the sun dots in my own eyes. The feeling (grittiness) and sound of a chipped spot on a ceramic cup is another off-putting but an immersive sensory experience that works really well for the reader. I got a tiny bit confused at the end where the daughter outsmarts her mother for the company or plans? This spot might need a little more elaboration but I also could have missed something. Overall I really like this!
Jack:
Jack, this story was a strong usage of first person narrative. Shaun had a really consistent voice that you clearly depicted throughout the story. I really liked how you addressed some of the real issues that took place during the pandemic too. Not only do you cover how scary the pandemic was but you also show us how domestic abuse increased with the stay at home orders which I appreciated. I think there’s a lot of potential here for a very chilling, impactful story. My question for you is, what are you trying to say with this story? You have a compelling start to a story about covid, a compelling story about domestic abuse, and a compelling story about a couple who encounter pregnancy, and possibly even infidelity? I really want to see what direction you take it in, but I feel like it will be more impactful if you choose a main statement you want to make and run with it. For example, if this was a covid focused story and we went with Shaun through the long days of stay at home orders, and the zoom meetings, only seeing people’s faces through the clinical light of an LED screen, we would be immersed in that pandemic world. If we got to see this couple’s ups and downs, and possibly got a little background on their relationship, with the climax of the story being Brittany catching covid, the horror Shaun would feel in that moment, and the uncertainty of covid putting Brittany’s life in danger would be really strong, and is something a lot of people went through in the early days of the pandemic. Perhaps, rather than telling us that Brittany’s dad is abusive, you could show us that by having Shaun hear yelling in the background, or maybe having Brittany’s father barge into her room while she’s on the phone. Maybe Shaun didn’t know the extent of the abuse until this point, so we hear him struggling with how to help her. Those are just a few ideas. Your descriptions were really evocative as well, I especially liked your description of the silent world on the bottom of page 3 and top of page 4. I could really see the picture you were describing. One question that I have is, what happens to the mother? We see her bleeding out on the floor and then we never hear about her again, could expand on that point maybe?
Phoebe:
Phoebe, this story was so original and unique, your descriptions were so vivid, they had really strong imagery. I felt like your points about this futuristic makeup product, “the clay”, were almost a sort of social commentary, describing in an overstated way, the feelings many women have about their own appearance and the pressure to cover up not only their faces, but their personalities, and emotions as well. I was confused by the verb tense changes throughout the story, which occasionally required me to reread a passage to fully understand it. I feel like her mother tried to remove her freckles when she was young and that’s how she got her scarred face, but it was unclear how the mother and daughter got their scars exactly, so expansion on that point might help make the story more impactful. Also I would love to know what the daughter is getting revenge for, I think maybe knowing what exactly the mother did, or at least alluding to it, would make the ending more impactful for the reader and provide us with more context for why the daughter would go to such drastic lengths to take revenge on her mother.
Jack’s story, The Incurable, had me hooked. I felt like he really captured the desperation and isolation of the pandemic, how terrifying it was, especially in the early days. While most people were able to follow the stay-at-home order, their daily lives interrupted at worst, Jack really exemplified how difficult it was for people in dangerous situations. People in abusive households used work, school, and social events as ways to escape the torment of their home life, and with the stay-at-home order, it became impossible for them to escape it. I think it’s important to reflect on COVID not just as a simple disruption in our lives but for how terrifying and dangerous it really was. Overall, I really enjoyed the story, I thought the revelation in the end was shocking and heartbreaking, aligning with the rest of the story. I only have two suggestions. My first is about the format. Without paragraph separation the whole story looks a bit like a block of text, making it difficult to consume. Tabbing each new paragraph would be a good idea to make it more digestible. Lastly, the only other thing I noticed was the dialogue. It was important and helped to move the story along, but it felt a bit forced. What I would do is try to make the dialogue as natural as possible, for example, if a character laughs say, “he laughed” instead of using “hahaha”. It makes the story a little cleaner.
Phoebe’s story was compelling. My favorite part of it was the tension you could feel between Genevieve and Judith. The words they shared, the body language they used, and the circumstances they were under contributed to the tense conversation shared between mother and daughter. I can always come to appreciate the dynamic of two characters if its tense. It’s interesting to think about what might’ve happened to get their relationship this way, and it short stories, that is not often revealed. I especially appreciated the betrayal at the end. When the two characters finally seemed to be bonding, lowering their walls, Judith showed her true intentions. The letter she left her mother, getting her in trouble, was a good way to show their relationship. My only note would be that I found I had a hard time following what was happening. When scenes would change it was hard for me to notice or understand. I struggled to understand the relationship between the two, and what Judith was asking for specifically. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the story.
Hi Jack!
Your story was really good in keeping us in suspense. The cliffhanger ending makes me want to know what happens next. I like how the setting is just as bleak as how the characters are feeling. I think I would really like to know the backstory of why the dad, Mr. Codger became a drunk and wife beater. I think it would add more to the story if he was someone loved and respected and suddenly became this wicked man. I want to know why he is abusive. The descriptions you used like, “The rails on the patio steps representing the decaying teeth of a rotten smile. It is like having a staring contest with Satan himself.” I’m wondering if maybe the story can include some lawyer stuff because we know that he works from home due to COVID which was a great way to carry over to how dead silent the world is outside. I feel like there is a disconnect to him being a lawyer and the rest of the story.
Hi Pheobe!
Oh my gosh this is so interesting! I love how you created the world of makeup and used ideas and things I personally have never read or seen in a story. This story just leaves me wondering about so many things. Why does the dad have custody of Judith? Is this a sci fi genre because of the clay makeup that Judith wears? Are both mother and daughter hiding their insecurities behind makeup? What happened to them? Trending makeup that is killing people? I just need to know more. I feel like this story is filled with mystery that I just cannot decipher. I think it is a great story, I love the idea of makeup catered towards insecurities and the potential controversy surrounding it.
Jack,
I like your take on this family’s experience during the pandemic. As we know, it was difficult and dangerous for everybody, but especially for people with otherwise turbulent and abusive home lives and I like that you brought that to light. I personally found some of the language out of place, like the excessive swearing from the narrator in the beginning before the drama—I think it works more as the suspense builds so maybe you could just save it for that to make it especially impactful. I think a little bit more explanation of setting would be helpful here, like what month it is and how long these people have been in lockdown for, and maybe even a little more explanation about Shaun’s relationship with Brittany, like how long they’ve been together or what their relationship was like before they were forced to change their dynamic. This would be really great in pulling us into the story even further!
Phoebe,
This story is such a unique way to show how a mother and daughter might navigate their strained relationship. You did a great job showing the tension between the two, especially in the first scene. My only issue with it is that it’s sometimes difficult to tell what’s going on, but I think an easy fix for that is to read it out loud after you finish writing it to be sure that it’s easy to follow. I love your ideas about the “clay” makeup, and how you show that these two women grow closer together only to be pulled apart again by this letter at the end. I would have loved to be able to understand what caused this rift in their relationship, and why Judith lives only with her father. I think that even just hinting at these things or revealing them as the story progresses would be a great but still natural way to fit them in.
Jack:
Hi Jack,
I really enjoyed reading your piece! Your ability to capture vivid imagery and emotional depth stood out to me. For example, in the scene where you described the rain hitting the pavement like a “relentless drummer,” I could almost hear the raindrops in my head. It really added a powerful atmosphere to the moment and set the tone for the character’s introspection. I also appreciated how you brought the protagonist’s internal struggle to life, particularly in the passage where you described his decision as “carrying the weight of a hundred stones on his shoulders.” The metaphor not only conveyed the heaviness of the situation but made the emotional stakes feel very real. One of the strongest elements for me was how you built tension during the confrontation scene. How you wrote the dialogue – shirt, clipped, and tense – gave the characters a sense of urgency and conflict. It was one of those moments where I felt like I was watching it unfold in the room with them. That said, I have a couple of suggestions. I found the background info in the first paragraph; even the following paragraphs at the beginning were a bit much. Although necessary, you could have hinted at that information in the subsequent few paragraphs instead of telling the reader the scene, slowly unfolding for them and letting them wonder where they are for a little bit before helping them put pieces together. Additionally, I was curious about the backstory of the secondary character, Laura. Maybe adding a bit more detail about her motivations or past to build her into the present would help make her feel as fully realized as the protagonist.
Pheobe:
I love how the story uses clay as a symbol for perfection and artificiality, showing how it masks both physical scars and emotional wounds. For example, Genevieve’s refusal to remove her clay makeup conveys how she shields herself from vulnerability, while Judith’s gradual acceptance of her natural freckles demonstrates her desire to break free from her mother’s rigid expectations. The descriptions of Genevieve’s makeup and appearance—like her “glowering glitter pale makeup” and how her face never melts—create a vivid, eerie image of someone trying too hard to maintain control. The dialogue between mother and daughter also has great tension, especially when Judith bluntly asks for help with her career, and Genevieve’s panic shows her reluctance to engage emotionally with her daughter. I do have a few questions: What deeper trauma lies behind Genevieve’s obsession with clay makeup? Is there a past event or societal pressure that pushed her to live this way? What role did Robert play in shaping Judith and Genevieve’s relationship? Why does Genevieve fear him calling the police if she talks to Judith?
One suggestion is to clarify the backstory between Genevieve and Judith a little more. The conflict between them is intriguing, but I found myself wanting more specifics about what went wrong in their relationship. Was it Genevieve’s career that pulled her away, or was it something else? A bit more context about Judith’s past experiences with her mother could deepen the emotional stakes. Another suggestion would be to explore Judith’s internal conflict more. She’s clearly struggling with wanting her mother’s help while resenting her, but I’d love to see more of her thoughts and feelings about how this impacts her identity. The dynamic around beauty standards, especially how Genevieve profits from them, and Judith’s resistance to those ideals, could be expanded. I also felt like the scene at the cafe was drawn out and had some repetitive details, cutting back on those might help the flow of the story and get to the conversation between them.
This piece connects to themes of societal beauty standards, family expectations, and how trauma manifests physically and emotionally. It reminded me of the way media and industries prey on insecurities to market beauty products, much like Judith’s question about marketing cosmetics to people’s insecurities. There’s also a sense of generational trauma and how it can be passed down, which makes the story feel rich with emotional depth.
Journal #10
Jack
I thought this was a really interesting story. I like how you chose to examine pandemic life and a person who is really not built for social distancing. Who you do a good job of describing powerful emotions and show the weight of what your characters are experiencing. I like how you chose to include the walk in the park prior to the disaster. This allows us readers to see your main character’s relatively relaxed disposition prior to how he is in action. One thought I had was that I want to know more about the city we are in. I want to hear more about where he walks and the drive to his girlfriend’s house. Where are we, what are we seeing? I think the plot becomes a little murky after we arrive at the girlfriend’s house. There’s a lot of telling and maybe not enough showing. A lot is happening at once, which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s important to give readers time to focus on exactly what is happening at that moment. An example is when your main character tackles the father and then proceeds to have a conversation with his girlfriend and calls 911. Does he have a free hand to dial 911? I think this is an area where you can focus entirely on the struggle with the father and after he passes out you can move on to the rest. Overall, I really liked the story and I’m excited about what you can make of it.
Phoebe
What a fun story. I always love starting a story and being at an utter loss of what is happening, and having the plot revealed to me piece by piece. You did a great job of this. I would say we really don’t find out what is really happening until the very last paragraph. I was confused throughout the story but not in a negative way. That balance makes it very difficult to stop reading because you make it so I need to know what happens next. I remember Professor Miller talking about how everything serves a purpose in a short story which makes me wonder why Genevieve has a dog? Is it to humanize before the final paragraph? All in all a cool story.
Pheobe,
You have a lot of heavy descriptors in the beginning of your work, they’re wonderfully vivid but I think that there are so many that they take away from the story. I love when you wrote “the canvas of her face;” and the names you give your characters are enticing. It feels like I’m there with your characters, you’re using senses to make your audience feel like they’re within your story, you’re very good utilizing that skill. I feel that you need more punctuation in your story, there’s a lot of stopping and starting and run on sentences. Your use of background on the characters makes them feel human, good job. Your “Judith needed her clay and click cosmetics” paragraph was a wonderful read, really felt like I was inside someone’s head. Some of your grammar needs work. In literature, sound is a big part of moving a story along. A sudden bang can be used as a scene change or a new direction of thought, and you’ve utilized it well.
Jack,
You immediately shove us into this world we’re all too familiar with. I think that your use of curse words is a bit unprofessional, but maybe it adds to the story and fleshes out your character in a relatable way; everyone was frustrated over covid. after all. Your use of dialogue speeds the story along, I found the pacing nice and even. You should try to use some more transitions between dialogue, leave room for some thoughts and emotion to flow instead of jumping to the next sentence. I feel you need to show not tell as much, maybe unfold your story through dialogue since you’re using so much of it in the beginning of this story. I loved when he started reflecting on his past before the pandemic, that’s a good use of audience relation. You should try to be in the physical as well as the mental when writing, I think you should utilize more senses over exposition.
Jack:
Jack, I really loved the premise of your story! I think it was great to use COVID in your story, as it is a time everyone went through, and made your story more relatable. The way your dialogue was set up was perfect and made it easy to read and not overwhelming which I really enjoyed! One of the recommendations I suggest is just fact checking on the way birth control is packaged, it does not come in a bottle but comes in packs so I would definitely change that detail. Another thing is I would think of breaking up the big paragraph on page 3 just to make it less overwhelming. I really loved the quote you wrote on page 4 “Have you ever been having a fantastic evening, with everything going your way,and then all of a sudden, a random bad memory or thought pops into your head and spoils your entire mood? Yup, that’s exactly what happened.” I really enjoyed this, it made me nod my head in agreement when I was reading, it gave the reader a good connection to your story. Overall your story was very entertaining and kept me wanting to read more, so I am excited to see the final version!
Phoebe:
Phoebe I really enjoyed how different your story was! It was something I have never read before and it was really enjoyable to read. This line from page 2 “She loves the sun. She loves the way
it feels, it warms her up. The way it messes with her skin. It burns sometimes but otherwise it
feels refreshing and freeing. She felt beautifully relaxed when she is in it, in her own skin.” I really loved this, I loved the way it was worded and how you can tell really how much your character loves the sun. I also loved that this was in 3rd person. I think it was a perfect choice for the story. A suggestion I have is to just go through and make sure that some of your words are capitalized. But overall I loved how descriptive your story was and I am excited to read the final story!
Jack: For starters, really enjoyed this story and found it compelling how you chose to explore pandemic life and its emotional impact on someone who isn’t well-suited for social distancing. I think you did an amazing job at diving into heavy topics and i thought you did a great job at matching that with lightheartedness. I found it interesting how you set up the walk in the park and paired it with the moment of disaster and I thought that was a nice contrast. I think the story does a great job at bringing light to the events that some people may have faced during the times of covid, and I think you did a great job at showcasing covid in a different way than what we as readers are used to. I think one thing that could be refined is the sequencing. It felt as if sometimes there were a lot of things going on at once. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece and think you did a great job of portraying powerful emotions and the weight of what your characters are experiencing. I’m excited to see where you take this story next.
Pheobe, I thought your story was very well written and I liked the compelling tension between Genevieve and Judith. For me as a reader I enjoyed how you depicted the body language, and the words that they said to each other and how all of this created the sense of tension that is entertaining as a reader. I think the part about the letter and how it eventually ended up getting her in trouble was a great was to depict the status and stage of their relationship. The imagery that you used throughout the story was great. It felt as if everything you were describing was something that I was actually feeling and hearing. Overall, I really enjoyed the story and think you did a fantastic job of capturing the tension and complexity of these characters’ relationship.
Phoebe,
Your story is extremely inventive when it comes to plot, character building and descriptions. In the beginning of the story, one piece of description that I thought was super imaginative was when you said the sentence “the Canvas on your face” because I like how it almost ties into the narrative and themes of the story. Plus, the idea of portraying the facial features of somebody to that of a canvas is smart and allows me to easily visualize it in my head. Something that I thought was fascinating, but I had a question about was on pages 4 and 5, the last paragraph and the second paragraph are completely italicized, and furthermore, the way each paragraph is written, especially the first one on page 4, are viscerally atrocious to envision. Just the thought of clay eating away at somebody’s skin and bones and leaving a permanent mark for everyone to see visibly makes me cringe at the thought of it. Your descriptions in these paragraphs are great at capturing the readers attention and making them think, however, I am a little confused on what I am actually reading in these sections. Is this what Judith is thinking after her mother leaves? Is the scenario with Elizabeth actually happening? I think just a little more clarity in what is happening here would help me better understand the plot. Lastly, on page 8, I notice how you mention that Genevieve “bit her lip and winced at the reaction of her daughter knowing what was under her mistake. When she had seen her in class the day she wasn’t wearing clay.,” on page 8. Although towards the end the plot kind of loses me a bit, this quote does a great job at tying back to the beginning of the story and the theme of the story with the clay. The idea that the clay was a mask that individuals where to almost hide is super powerful and resonates with me, and that is the message I get from your very well written story. I am excited to see where you take it, if you decide to continue with this.
Phoebe, you are really talented at creating descriptions that capture a reader’s senses and layer metaphors. One that sticks out to me is the continuous reference to makeup as clay. There are a lot of interesting conflicts happening in this story between the daughter and mother, the daughter and father, and the daughter and herself. I am slightly confused by the plot. It feels like so much happens throughout your nine pages that, as a reader, I have a bit of whiplash. I feel like honing in on one of the scenes (like the lunch where the daughter asks the mom for money or seeing her mom in a professional setting for the first time) would be interesting. I am also curious about the social role of your characters. Are they nobility? Highly respected business women and professors? Both? Overall, I feel like you have a lot of really interesting things happening here.
Jack, wow. Your story flows so smoothly that I felt like I was in it. The tension and build-up you create is spectacular. I genuinely felt my heart rate increase while reading this. I do feel as though maybe you did a bit of the ‘everything but the kitchen sink’ method in this story, including a raging alcoholic, deadly virus, murder, pregnancy, relationship problems, etc. That being said, you managed to fit all of that in a way that made sense and was clear to the reader. I do have one question and critique. The question: Why is a guy at a top law firm dating a girl who is still living with her parents? It seems like there’s probably a huge age gap there, right? My critique is that your character swears a lot. Although I don’t necessarily think that’s a problem, I do think there are moments where you could switch the dialogue to include more information. Also, at the bottom of page seven, your character says: “From upstairs, I can hear what sounds like a back alley rumble, with tons of profanity being hurled. It makes me want to vomit hearing those words get tossed around.” However, as I mentioned, half of your character’s dialogue is cursing, so that comment felt out of place to me. Overall, this is fantastic, and it is clear to me that you are a seasoned writer.