You have so many ideas compiled in one story and that is great! I think that especially towards the beginning though, it does seem a bit jumbled, and does not flow as well as it could. For example, on p. 1 para. 2, you say, “When would people figure out how to teleport, to get right to the good stuff?” I think that this sentence should be re-worded in a different way, or taken out completely which would then result in you needing to take out the next few sentences as well. I understand the thought process behind this idea, but it seems out of context being in such a large paragraph, and gets lost in a sense. Another thing I noticed was on p. 1 para. 1 when you are listing the names of the people in the story. You say “his mother” in the first sentence, but then only refer to her as “Mother” in the last sentence. When you are using only “Mother” throughout the story, it needs to be capitalized because you are using it as a proper noun. That is, replacing her actual name. I would watch out for this throughout your story, and it even pertains to you referring to “Father” as a proper noun, replacing his actual name. The only time they are not capitalized if you are using it in the context of “his mother/his father”. They wouldn’t be capitalized in this context because it is following possessive pronouns. I would stay consistent and use them in the sense of proper nouns, since their real names are never used. Also, going from page 2-4, this is a huge paragraph. I would make sure you break it up in certain spots, and a great place to do it is when you include dialogue. There is part of a sentence on page 3 that I would also take out. It says, “After being body scanned (where is the trust?)…” I would take out the (where is the trust?) part, as I think it would flow much better without it. Throughout the rest of your paragraphs I would also separate the dialogue from the rest of your paragraphs to make it stand out more. I really like the storyline and can’t wait to read your final draft!
Sarah:
The amount of detail you have in your paper is amazing. You have complete awareness of the five senses, and brought me back to when I was a kid. My favorite part in particular was on p. 1 para. 4 when you said, “She broke out a brown Mr. Sketch scented marker, the one that smells like root beer, to write down all of these duties we must heed for the stuffed bear”. I can picture this item vividly, and it made me so happy! I also do like your choice of telling this story in first person, instead of using a different point of view. By doing this, you are submerging me, as the reader, directly into this character’s life. I truly feel like I am living in her world and it brought back so many fond memories from when I was little. One recommendation I do have is to possibly change the format. My eyes were trying to focus all over the page at once, which made it take a bit longer to read. This is a different format than what I have ever seen, so if it works for you, go with it! It does add some creativity and personality to your piece that I have not seen in other writing so far. Another aspect you included showed that the character is reliving the past. On p. 5, para. 10, you said, “If I knew the word “shit” I would say it here”. This insinuates that this is a perspective from the future, showing that she is clearly an adult now as she knows what that word is now. Overall, I think this is an amazing story. Great job!
This was good with good descriptions, and internal thoughts about life. I would add more dialogue between the family while they go on their trip. Not just the Mother yelling at someone on the phone. Or describing what she is like. I would have her say some stuff more added on with her frantic gestures. It’s fantastic. I think definitely adding dialogue peppered throughout the piece will help bring the plot along and move it along a bit more. Especially by the other characters, not just the mother or even having the other characters talk behind the mothers back about what is going on.
Sarah
I love this so much. I think that you should add more dialogue with the Teacher explain how to care for teddy. Maybe some of the other kids in the class are asking questions about teddy and personal hygiene. I really liked the part of the dad taking a picture, that was very funny. Maybe have her overhear her mother and Ms. Sparks on the phone talking about the bear. Or the kid that had it before comes to school with signs of lice or something before she gets the bear.
The story’s strength lies in its vivid, detailed descriptions that capture the intensity of childhood emotions and anxieties. The imagery-particularly the way Erin interacts with Teddy and her surroundings-creates a nostalgic and immersive atmosphere. I also appreciate the way the story evolves from a simple adventure with a beloved toy into a more complex emotional journey about control, fear, and the discomfort of growing up. Erin’s internal voice feels authentic, and the progression from excitement to panic is handled in a way that feels relatable.
You may want to expand on Erin’s feelings of responsibility and guilt, not just for Teddy but also for how her actions might affect her classmates or Emma. This would add emotional depth and tension to her internal struggle. The story could delve more into Erin’s fear of germs and how it might manifest in her daily life after this incident. Does she develop habits to cope with her fear? This could offer a glimpse into how the experience changes her long-term, and in relation to this, in the beginning of the story you go right into saying my germophobia was from a stuffed animal, but maybe you can start the story off in the future with a scene of her obsessing over being clean or excessively washing her hands or hair, and then go into the flashback as a child.
Edward:
I like the detailed portrayal of the boy’s internal monologue, capturing his sense of frustration with the constraints of family life and societal rules. His perspective on the world is very relatable for someone who is beginning to question authority and yearn for more independence. The tension between his desire for freedom and his eventual acceptance of the journey’s challenges is beautifully rendered, especially through small moments like the horses, the muffled chatter in crowded spaces, and the reflective thoughts about life.
I think this story could benefit from further exploration of the boy’s relationship with his father and Vince. Both characters are present but feel underdeveloped in contrast to the mother, who dominates the narrative. I would also suggest diving deeper into the symbolism of the horses and their connection to the boy’s thoughts about freedom – perhaps drawing a clearer parallel between them and the boy’s own feelings of being “penned in.” This piece connects well to themes of growing up, the struggle between independence and family duty, and finding peace amidst life’s chaos. It reminds me of stories like Catcher in the Rye, with its focus on adolescent frustration and introspection. Expanding on the ending could add more emotional weight, especially regarding the boy’s realization of acceptance. Does he carry that forward into his future, or will he continue to grapple with it? And I’m curious to know how this character’s view of authority and control develops as he grows older.
Sarah:
The story is about a child’s experience with the class teddy bear. The story overall is one of a child navigating the realms of responsibility. For some inexplicable reason, she feels attached to the teddy bear and wants to do her absolute best to care for it. She worries about how other people in her class might have treated it, and appears to set the standard for best bear care during her allotted weekend. Near the end of her stint as caretaker, she learns that he has lice. This causes her to contemplate as well as fear the consequences of her actions, specifically the consequences for her, her classmates, her toys, and, of course, teddy.
I like that the story seems incredibly plausible and realistic. The imagery is good and the scenes are very easy to imagine visually in my head. I also like how the theme of responsibility is emphasized throughout the novel in a way that enhances the story and makes it more than a monologue about a child’s experience.
I noticed that the theme of sunlight and light in general was prevalent throughout the novel. Was this solely imagery or was it meant to connect to something broader? Also, I noticed that the preface of the story was about germophobia. Does this story relate to that in that this is the first time she remembers experiencing germophobia, or did this story somehow cause her to develop germophobia? A little bit of clues there might be helpful.
In addition to a clearer indication in the novel regarding the above questions, there appeared to be details that were extraneous to the overall storyline (ex: the height difference between the child and her friend, and her dad being a jerk in the end by taking the picture of her after the huge ordeal). It seems like the father in particular is just kind of surly and does not do much to contribute to the storyline. Overall a well written and interesting story though.
Sarah, this is an endearing story about a young girl who gets lice while caring for her class pet — a stuffed bear. I love the sensory details you include on the first page, especially the description of the sun and the rug. You have perfectly captured the inner mind of a young child. Doing this in the first person was a great choice. I did notice that this seems to be a narrator looking back on a moment. For example, on page five, paragraph ten, you said, “If I knew the word “shit” I would say it here.” Additionally, in the intro, you say, “My germaphobia began with a stuffed animal.” One comment I have is that, as a reader, I want to know more about the germaphobia. Right now, I read this as a story about a girl who got lice, not a girl who developed a deep fear of germs. There were some key moments you started to show this, like worrying about the dirt on the slide on page three. I would love to see that ramped up a bit. I’m also curious if the character got the lice from the bear or gave the bear lice. I read it as she got lice from the bear, but there wasn’t a moment, in my opinion, where that was confirmed. I’m not sure it needs to be. I’m just curious. Overall, I like this story! It’s relatable and does an incredible job of capturing the five senses.
Edward, there are a lot of interesting things happening here. I like the skeptical inner dialogue and the fact that we get to know the narrator throughout the piece. I also want to give you major props on this quote from the bottom of page eight: “They observed the golden grandeur of the watchtower containing Big Ben.” — thank you for recognizing that Big Ben is the clock, not the tower! I also really like that throughout the piece, you add these small moments of reflection, like the last sentence of the paragraph on page six: “Living honestly would be made easier by people leaving each other alone, and accepting human error rather than attempting to fix it.” I would recommend that you break the larger paragraphs up for readability purposes. I did find myself slightly confused by the conclusion: was the narrator dreaming the whole time? I don’t think you need those final paragraphs of reflection. Instead, it might be nice to end with the family happy for once, maybe with commentary about how that would be fleeting. Overall, I like the concept you’re going for and think you have some great moments in this story.
I really enjoyed reading your story Sarah! It brought me back to my childhood and I really enjoyed that. In the beginning of the story I really loved how you reminded me of the innocence of childhood in school. When you mentioned the “brown Mr. Sketch scented marker…” I swear the scent of that marker being used in my first grade class flooded through me. I loved how you captured the simpleness of just playing with a stuffed bear and taking care of it as if it is real. I really enjoyed the first person point of view, as it made me feel as if I was reading something from my childhood and I was the main character. It did almost feel as if it was a journal entry from an older self when you had said “ “If I knew the word “shit” I would say it here” which made me figure this story was from a present tense looking back. But I overall really enjoyed your story, It was easy to read and enjoyable!
Edward:
Edward, I really enjoyed the storyline of your story! In the first three paragraphs I would say, I felt as if there was a lot going on and and so much that the character is doing and thinking. For example your character goes from looking out at the trees, to having a headache, teleportation and then looking at horses in just a short amount of time which made me feel a little overwhelmed while reading. I did enjoy some of your details that created an image in my head throughout the story like “he squeezed his way into the back row, which to his delight, he had all to himself.” When I read that I felt like I could see the “character smiling to themselves in that back row. In the last paragraph of your story I loved when you said “You fully appreciate what you have had when all of the sudden one day it is gone, never to be seen again. He was glad he had come to recognize the value of acceptance: not in a passive way, but through making the most of his journeys and opportunities.” I really loved the realization in the last paragraph. Overall I think it was a great story but would benefit from having the dialogue separated from your paragraphs so it is a little bit easier on the eyes to read. But great job! And I am sure your final story will be great!
I started off by reading Sarah’s short story, A Weekend with a Bear. I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought the story had a consistent pace that was easy to keep up with as well as a character that was likeable. Something about Erin felt really familiar for me, she acted similarly to how I did when I was younger. She has a bit of an attitude that she’s better than her classmates, cleaner, and I had a similar “holier than thou” attitude. I thought her interactions with her parents were incredibly interesting and showed a dynamic that had a lot of flaws. Even with a character so young with very little exposure to the characters you can tell there’s a bit of tension in the family, and I appreciated that that depth was given to them. The only thing I would consider adding is maybe a bit more interaction between her and her parents. I would be interested to see the kind of dialogue and behavior they would exhibit if they interacted just a bit more.
I moved on to Edward’s story next, Stormy Days. I really enjoyed reading the character’s inner monologue throughout his trips with his parents. The use of Mother and Father was interesting to me, it added a bit of a layer to the character, hinting to the fact that there was some sort of dynamic in the family that lead to how the character addressed them. Most people don’t refer to their parents as mother and Father unless they were raised in a strict household or have an estranged relationship. I would be interested in seeing more about the relationship between the main character and his parents. A note that I would add to this story is that I think more dialogue should be added. The story is a bit hard to consume in large paragraph form, so having dialogue or paragraph changes to break it up could be beneficial in keeping the story moving forward. Otherwise, I really enjoyed it!
This is a story about a man or a child relaying his family dynamic through travel in a dream. I liked the use of senses as the reader is guided to the airport and through the complexities of traveling through the airport, especially when roped with your family. I have had similar experiences with my family in the airport, so I found this relatable. I think the point of view confused me the most in this piece. I struggled to get through some moments since the narrator switches from using “his mother, Mother, mother, and mom”. I honestly cannot precisely place if this is first or third, though I think it leans into first the most. This could be part of the dream aspect, but most of the time, the narrator is doing a lot of thinking, which might be better as outward dialogue when trying to exhibit these family dynamics. Other times, the point of view jumps to saying “they,” referring to everyone, including the narrator, which is where I get lost. Overall, I think this draft is solid, your narrator has a distinct personality, and the sensory aspects are evident.
Sarah,
I really like this story about a young girl and her experience with lice. I think it’s funny and I’m sure pretty relatable to some. Lice is basically a death sentence to a long-haired little girl. I like the characterization of the main character, and how her little anxieties and somewhat obsessive compulsions are known throughout the story, and I like the details of how her parents handle it, like her dad taking a photo of her as her mom picks through her hair. I really enjoy that her personality and her thoughts guide us through this story instead of just sort of telling exactly what’s happening.
Edward,
I like that this is sort of a story that accompanies a thought process. Each event progresses in a way that allows the narrator to ponder and to discuss with himself and to remember related events. I like the choice of making this a dream so as to allow the story to not necessarily have any “purpose” other than a vessel for the subconscious thoughts and feelings of the main character. I also like that it isn’t exactly clear if this is an entirely made-up dream to our “real-life” narrator or if this is a memory. There are some parts where some of the information is a little bit overwhelming and could be a little bit easier to follow but the points are still made.
Edward:
This story was really surprising, it kept me engaged looking for the explanation, or punchline. It had this almost mystical feeling throughout. At first I found myself with growing questions about the slight inconsistencies that kept piling up. Like the compressed passage of time, for example when mother walks out of the airport, and then walks out of the airport again on pages 6 and 7; or when we travel from the palace plaza to looking out a window with no transition. I never picked up on the fact that it was a dream however, so when that was revealed at the end I had that moment of understanding where it all comes together. I think that adding those very dreamlike details without signaling obviously to the reader was really clever. I also really loved your descriptive ability, specifically the line where you talk about the guard change- that was really impactful, “They were dressed as if they were part of the surrounding overcast sky, yet simultaneously trying to protect themselves from it.” (p.8, para 2). For me it’s a really accurate portrayal of what dreams are like, I think you handled that really well. My one question is, could you keep the dreamlike quality if you added a little more action to it? Or would that detract from the overall feel?
Sarah:
I really enjoyed the child’s point of view in this story. The sequence of events and the descriptions were all very relatable, and felt accurate to the way children see the world. I also loved the description of Teddy’s fur, I could really imagine how silky and beautiful it was; juxtaposed with the description of the Webkinz that went in the pool,“She never looked the same after entering those frigid waters, and later the washing machine. Her fur was stiff and unmoving, and the distress in her eyes was horrible.” (p. 3, para 2) The description of the children playing outside also reminded me of childhood games I played with my little brother. The horror of lice too was well conveyed, but I think the child’s reaction could have been taken further. My eldest cousin had lice as a child, we were visiting my aunt’s house, and I can still remember the blood curdling screams from the bathroom when she discovered their presence. (I just want to add that the lice were successfully contained by my mother and my aunt, no one else got them, and no stuffed animals were harmed, though I do remember they had to spend a few weeks on “vacation” in the garage in plastic trash bags.) My question is could the emotions of the child be amplified a little bit when they discover the lice? Everyone is really calm, Erin is also really calm when all her stuffed animals get given away. I do really like the adult language that you mix in a few times in the story, that was really funny.
Journal #9
Edward
This was a very enjoyable story to read. I really appreciated your choice to have very little written dialogue in this story. I think this really improves the story for me. I think this speaks to the main character’s quiet nature but constant stream of thought. He is always thinking and contemplating everything around him, but he seems very scared to share the thoughts he is having. He seems very scared to screw up. As someone who knows well the stress of traveling with your family I would be really interested to know if this family travels often. Would they fine tune their process with more practice? Really captivating story.
Sarah
Really impressive writing. I felt like I was a kid again the way you described play and anxiety. The worry over small things that seem so huge at the moment. At the end you had the father take a picture of her soaking wet in the kitchen. At the time the Narrator thought it was a jerk move. I wonder if later she would think the picture was funny, remembering the nightmare of the lice. But I think maybe she wouldn’t. I think maybe this day was the start of a not so funny time for the narrator. She says this is when her germophobia started. Germophobia is very commonly associated with OCD and OCD often begins at this stage in childhood and despite the prevalence of society’s jokes about it, OCD is no walk in the park. Really cool story, and I enjoyed it a lot.
Hi Edward,
I love the suspense and how we are kept wondering where the car would take us, and eventually we understand that we are at the airport by your descriptions and not by actually mentioning it. The hustle and bustle at the airport is brought to life with your descriptions. I understand that your character has come to the realization of how fast life passes by and if you would just stop and take a moment to breathe, you would realize what is truly important. I think your theme is very impactful and meaningful but I think it needs to be more clear. If you incorporate it a little better throughout the story, I think it would work well.
A line that I absolutely loved was,” Inwardly sighing again, he wondered why so many assumed that a lack of gray hair corresponded to a lack of common sense.”
The ending felt somber and reflective, and I liked the use of the weather and the men in the top hats.
Hey Sarah!
I like how colorful and descriptive your story is! As soon as I read,” Now, each weekend, one of you will bring Teddy home” I instantly thought “uh oh”. When I read that the child’s germaphobia began with the bear, I was expecting her to get a nasty bear who would look in rough shape from all the grubby fingers that had taken care of it. I did not see the lice aspect coming in at all. I like how you incorporated childish character which made it known to us that this is coming from a child’s perspective. One example especially sticks out to me,
“Frowning, I think she grew taller than me. “What now?” Emma asked, seemingly unaware of her new-found height over me.””
I also like how you incorporated sound, “as my mom repeatedly went over the same spots in my room with the vacuum. Voom, voom, voom.” Instantly, I heard a vacuum running.
I am glad that Teddy was okay, even if he became a little rigid.
I think what impresses me and jumps out at me about your story is the writing ability you have shown us, as readers. You use sentences and words that are familiar and you take a scenario that seems rather simple, and spin it to seem more complex. The ability to take something simple and on your own, make it complex is a very underappreciated ability. Plus, the idea of feeling like your guardians don’t fully trust you, no matter how old you are or what you do is incredibly relatable, so I for one can see a clear target audience you have for this story. That plot twist towards the end of the story in my opinion really sticks with you after reading and comes out of nowhere. Sometimes people argue that you should small clues or context clues if you are going to have a plot twist, but I think being completely taken by surprise at the fact that all of this was just a dream is more impactful, because it will want to make the reader go back and read it again to see if they missed any subtle hints. However, in your last paragraph from page 8-9, where you say “Life is funny, he thought as he stared out the window into the nearby ocean amidst the
pattering of chatter and silverware. You fully appreciate what you had when all of the sudden one day it is gone, never to be seen again.”, I feel like this is the message of your story in a way, and I think you could maybe have it be the last line of the story, after the dream is revealed. I feel like him waking up and getting a message from it could be more powerful to me as a reader. I also think if possible, you could potentially show this message rather than tell it, but I do think you do a good job conveying it throughout your story. Lastly, I see some people talking about taking out the “(Where is the trust?)” sentences because it can make the story flow better, but I disagree. For me, that sentence(s) is extremely relatable because of personal things, so for me, I think leaving them where they are is smart because you put them after a certain situation, and it makes me as a reader think of any other similar scenarios where I thought about where the trust could be. Overall, I think this is a very thoughtful story and I applaud your sense of writing and technique choices.
Sarah:
Uhh…. wow. Sarah, I am extremely impressed with your story and the way you carried the conflict and writing. First off, the way you start the story off on page 1, paragraph 1 is extremely captivating, in which you say that “My germaphobia started with a stuffed animal,” and it makes me as a reader wonder what the story is going be about and the events that led to this statement. You do a really good job of letting us into Erin as a person and as a character, and I like how she has these little moments of holier than thou and smarminess that makes her somewhat relatable to me. My suggestion however would be to sort of play into that a bit more, because it could make Erin not a villain per say, but an anti-hero who you can relate to almost. The way you describe everything around Erin is incredible and allows me to envision everything that is happening, especially on page 1 paragraph 2, where Erin mentions the bear having a “smile like a lowercase w”. That is a simile I had never heard before or thought of, but it makes so much sense in the context of this story. Furthermore, the way you describe Teddy and the ‘adventures’ he and Erin go on are not only wholesome, but it makes me believe that Teddy is a real person and he is actually having a conversation with Erin. The story and situations you describe are wholesome, relatable, realistic and genuinely made me smile and laugh at times. The ending where Erin discovers the lice in her hair legitimately gave me chills because I did not see it coming. You do a good job of hiding the surprise throughout the story and tying it back to the opening sentence. However, I feel like what you could do is potentially introduce the parents a tad earlier in the story because it would give both of them more of a character and purpose of being in the story, especially since I got really sus of Erin’s dad on page 7 paragraph 3, where he jokingly says “What? it’s for Teddy’s scrapbook!”. I feel like introducing them earlier would help the reader avoid assuming things you didn’t plan for your characters and could add a level of clarity to everything. The imagery of the lice hanging down off her hair grosses me out so much, and that is why it works so well. It gets a genuine reaction out of the reader. Overall, this was a very well written and enticing story with a simple story, but the skills conveyed really elevate it to a near perfect short story.
13 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 9”
Edward:
You have so many ideas compiled in one story and that is great! I think that especially towards the beginning though, it does seem a bit jumbled, and does not flow as well as it could. For example, on p. 1 para. 2, you say, “When would people figure out how to teleport, to get right to the good stuff?” I think that this sentence should be re-worded in a different way, or taken out completely which would then result in you needing to take out the next few sentences as well. I understand the thought process behind this idea, but it seems out of context being in such a large paragraph, and gets lost in a sense. Another thing I noticed was on p. 1 para. 1 when you are listing the names of the people in the story. You say “his mother” in the first sentence, but then only refer to her as “Mother” in the last sentence. When you are using only “Mother” throughout the story, it needs to be capitalized because you are using it as a proper noun. That is, replacing her actual name. I would watch out for this throughout your story, and it even pertains to you referring to “Father” as a proper noun, replacing his actual name. The only time they are not capitalized if you are using it in the context of “his mother/his father”. They wouldn’t be capitalized in this context because it is following possessive pronouns. I would stay consistent and use them in the sense of proper nouns, since their real names are never used. Also, going from page 2-4, this is a huge paragraph. I would make sure you break it up in certain spots, and a great place to do it is when you include dialogue. There is part of a sentence on page 3 that I would also take out. It says, “After being body scanned (where is the trust?)…” I would take out the (where is the trust?) part, as I think it would flow much better without it. Throughout the rest of your paragraphs I would also separate the dialogue from the rest of your paragraphs to make it stand out more. I really like the storyline and can’t wait to read your final draft!
Sarah:
The amount of detail you have in your paper is amazing. You have complete awareness of the five senses, and brought me back to when I was a kid. My favorite part in particular was on p. 1 para. 4 when you said, “She broke out a brown Mr. Sketch scented marker, the one that smells like root beer, to write down all of these duties we must heed for the stuffed bear”. I can picture this item vividly, and it made me so happy! I also do like your choice of telling this story in first person, instead of using a different point of view. By doing this, you are submerging me, as the reader, directly into this character’s life. I truly feel like I am living in her world and it brought back so many fond memories from when I was little. One recommendation I do have is to possibly change the format. My eyes were trying to focus all over the page at once, which made it take a bit longer to read. This is a different format than what I have ever seen, so if it works for you, go with it! It does add some creativity and personality to your piece that I have not seen in other writing so far. Another aspect you included showed that the character is reliving the past. On p. 5, para. 10, you said, “If I knew the word “shit” I would say it here”. This insinuates that this is a perspective from the future, showing that she is clearly an adult now as she knows what that word is now. Overall, I think this is an amazing story. Great job!
Edward
This was good with good descriptions, and internal thoughts about life. I would add more dialogue between the family while they go on their trip. Not just the Mother yelling at someone on the phone. Or describing what she is like. I would have her say some stuff more added on with her frantic gestures. It’s fantastic. I think definitely adding dialogue peppered throughout the piece will help bring the plot along and move it along a bit more. Especially by the other characters, not just the mother or even having the other characters talk behind the mothers back about what is going on.
Sarah
I love this so much. I think that you should add more dialogue with the Teacher explain how to care for teddy. Maybe some of the other kids in the class are asking questions about teddy and personal hygiene. I really liked the part of the dad taking a picture, that was very funny. Maybe have her overhear her mother and Ms. Sparks on the phone talking about the bear. Or the kid that had it before comes to school with signs of lice or something before she gets the bear.
Sarah:
The story’s strength lies in its vivid, detailed descriptions that capture the intensity of childhood emotions and anxieties. The imagery-particularly the way Erin interacts with Teddy and her surroundings-creates a nostalgic and immersive atmosphere. I also appreciate the way the story evolves from a simple adventure with a beloved toy into a more complex emotional journey about control, fear, and the discomfort of growing up. Erin’s internal voice feels authentic, and the progression from excitement to panic is handled in a way that feels relatable.
You may want to expand on Erin’s feelings of responsibility and guilt, not just for Teddy but also for how her actions might affect her classmates or Emma. This would add emotional depth and tension to her internal struggle. The story could delve more into Erin’s fear of germs and how it might manifest in her daily life after this incident. Does she develop habits to cope with her fear? This could offer a glimpse into how the experience changes her long-term, and in relation to this, in the beginning of the story you go right into saying my germophobia was from a stuffed animal, but maybe you can start the story off in the future with a scene of her obsessing over being clean or excessively washing her hands or hair, and then go into the flashback as a child.
Edward:
I like the detailed portrayal of the boy’s internal monologue, capturing his sense of frustration with the constraints of family life and societal rules. His perspective on the world is very relatable for someone who is beginning to question authority and yearn for more independence. The tension between his desire for freedom and his eventual acceptance of the journey’s challenges is beautifully rendered, especially through small moments like the horses, the muffled chatter in crowded spaces, and the reflective thoughts about life.
I think this story could benefit from further exploration of the boy’s relationship with his father and Vince. Both characters are present but feel underdeveloped in contrast to the mother, who dominates the narrative. I would also suggest diving deeper into the symbolism of the horses and their connection to the boy’s thoughts about freedom – perhaps drawing a clearer parallel between them and the boy’s own feelings of being “penned in.” This piece connects well to themes of growing up, the struggle between independence and family duty, and finding peace amidst life’s chaos. It reminds me of stories like Catcher in the Rye, with its focus on adolescent frustration and introspection. Expanding on the ending could add more emotional weight, especially regarding the boy’s realization of acceptance. Does he carry that forward into his future, or will he continue to grapple with it? And I’m curious to know how this character’s view of authority and control develops as he grows older.
Sarah:
The story is about a child’s experience with the class teddy bear. The story overall is one of a child navigating the realms of responsibility. For some inexplicable reason, she feels attached to the teddy bear and wants to do her absolute best to care for it. She worries about how other people in her class might have treated it, and appears to set the standard for best bear care during her allotted weekend. Near the end of her stint as caretaker, she learns that he has lice. This causes her to contemplate as well as fear the consequences of her actions, specifically the consequences for her, her classmates, her toys, and, of course, teddy.
I like that the story seems incredibly plausible and realistic. The imagery is good and the scenes are very easy to imagine visually in my head. I also like how the theme of responsibility is emphasized throughout the novel in a way that enhances the story and makes it more than a monologue about a child’s experience.
I noticed that the theme of sunlight and light in general was prevalent throughout the novel. Was this solely imagery or was it meant to connect to something broader? Also, I noticed that the preface of the story was about germophobia. Does this story relate to that in that this is the first time she remembers experiencing germophobia, or did this story somehow cause her to develop germophobia? A little bit of clues there might be helpful.
In addition to a clearer indication in the novel regarding the above questions, there appeared to be details that were extraneous to the overall storyline (ex: the height difference between the child and her friend, and her dad being a jerk in the end by taking the picture of her after the huge ordeal). It seems like the father in particular is just kind of surly and does not do much to contribute to the storyline. Overall a well written and interesting story though.
Sarah, this is an endearing story about a young girl who gets lice while caring for her class pet — a stuffed bear. I love the sensory details you include on the first page, especially the description of the sun and the rug. You have perfectly captured the inner mind of a young child. Doing this in the first person was a great choice. I did notice that this seems to be a narrator looking back on a moment. For example, on page five, paragraph ten, you said, “If I knew the word “shit” I would say it here.” Additionally, in the intro, you say, “My germaphobia began with a stuffed animal.” One comment I have is that, as a reader, I want to know more about the germaphobia. Right now, I read this as a story about a girl who got lice, not a girl who developed a deep fear of germs. There were some key moments you started to show this, like worrying about the dirt on the slide on page three. I would love to see that ramped up a bit. I’m also curious if the character got the lice from the bear or gave the bear lice. I read it as she got lice from the bear, but there wasn’t a moment, in my opinion, where that was confirmed. I’m not sure it needs to be. I’m just curious. Overall, I like this story! It’s relatable and does an incredible job of capturing the five senses.
Edward, there are a lot of interesting things happening here. I like the skeptical inner dialogue and the fact that we get to know the narrator throughout the piece. I also want to give you major props on this quote from the bottom of page eight: “They observed the golden grandeur of the watchtower containing Big Ben.” — thank you for recognizing that Big Ben is the clock, not the tower! I also really like that throughout the piece, you add these small moments of reflection, like the last sentence of the paragraph on page six: “Living honestly would be made easier by people leaving each other alone, and accepting human error rather than attempting to fix it.” I would recommend that you break the larger paragraphs up for readability purposes. I did find myself slightly confused by the conclusion: was the narrator dreaming the whole time? I don’t think you need those final paragraphs of reflection. Instead, it might be nice to end with the family happy for once, maybe with commentary about how that would be fleeting. Overall, I like the concept you’re going for and think you have some great moments in this story.
Sarah:
I really enjoyed reading your story Sarah! It brought me back to my childhood and I really enjoyed that. In the beginning of the story I really loved how you reminded me of the innocence of childhood in school. When you mentioned the “brown Mr. Sketch scented marker…” I swear the scent of that marker being used in my first grade class flooded through me. I loved how you captured the simpleness of just playing with a stuffed bear and taking care of it as if it is real. I really enjoyed the first person point of view, as it made me feel as if I was reading something from my childhood and I was the main character. It did almost feel as if it was a journal entry from an older self when you had said “ “If I knew the word “shit” I would say it here” which made me figure this story was from a present tense looking back. But I overall really enjoyed your story, It was easy to read and enjoyable!
Edward:
Edward, I really enjoyed the storyline of your story! In the first three paragraphs I would say, I felt as if there was a lot going on and and so much that the character is doing and thinking. For example your character goes from looking out at the trees, to having a headache, teleportation and then looking at horses in just a short amount of time which made me feel a little overwhelmed while reading. I did enjoy some of your details that created an image in my head throughout the story like “he squeezed his way into the back row, which to his delight, he had all to himself.” When I read that I felt like I could see the “character smiling to themselves in that back row. In the last paragraph of your story I loved when you said “You fully appreciate what you have had when all of the sudden one day it is gone, never to be seen again. He was glad he had come to recognize the value of acceptance: not in a passive way, but through making the most of his journeys and opportunities.” I really loved the realization in the last paragraph. Overall I think it was a great story but would benefit from having the dialogue separated from your paragraphs so it is a little bit easier on the eyes to read. But great job! And I am sure your final story will be great!
I started off by reading Sarah’s short story, A Weekend with a Bear. I thoroughly enjoyed it and thought the story had a consistent pace that was easy to keep up with as well as a character that was likeable. Something about Erin felt really familiar for me, she acted similarly to how I did when I was younger. She has a bit of an attitude that she’s better than her classmates, cleaner, and I had a similar “holier than thou” attitude. I thought her interactions with her parents were incredibly interesting and showed a dynamic that had a lot of flaws. Even with a character so young with very little exposure to the characters you can tell there’s a bit of tension in the family, and I appreciated that that depth was given to them. The only thing I would consider adding is maybe a bit more interaction between her and her parents. I would be interested to see the kind of dialogue and behavior they would exhibit if they interacted just a bit more.
I moved on to Edward’s story next, Stormy Days. I really enjoyed reading the character’s inner monologue throughout his trips with his parents. The use of Mother and Father was interesting to me, it added a bit of a layer to the character, hinting to the fact that there was some sort of dynamic in the family that lead to how the character addressed them. Most people don’t refer to their parents as mother and Father unless they were raised in a strict household or have an estranged relationship. I would be interested in seeing more about the relationship between the main character and his parents. A note that I would add to this story is that I think more dialogue should be added. The story is a bit hard to consume in large paragraph form, so having dialogue or paragraph changes to break it up could be beneficial in keeping the story moving forward. Otherwise, I really enjoyed it!
This is a story about a man or a child relaying his family dynamic through travel in a dream. I liked the use of senses as the reader is guided to the airport and through the complexities of traveling through the airport, especially when roped with your family. I have had similar experiences with my family in the airport, so I found this relatable. I think the point of view confused me the most in this piece. I struggled to get through some moments since the narrator switches from using “his mother, Mother, mother, and mom”. I honestly cannot precisely place if this is first or third, though I think it leans into first the most. This could be part of the dream aspect, but most of the time, the narrator is doing a lot of thinking, which might be better as outward dialogue when trying to exhibit these family dynamics. Other times, the point of view jumps to saying “they,” referring to everyone, including the narrator, which is where I get lost. Overall, I think this draft is solid, your narrator has a distinct personality, and the sensory aspects are evident.
Sarah,
I really like this story about a young girl and her experience with lice. I think it’s funny and I’m sure pretty relatable to some. Lice is basically a death sentence to a long-haired little girl. I like the characterization of the main character, and how her little anxieties and somewhat obsessive compulsions are known throughout the story, and I like the details of how her parents handle it, like her dad taking a photo of her as her mom picks through her hair. I really enjoy that her personality and her thoughts guide us through this story instead of just sort of telling exactly what’s happening.
Edward,
I like that this is sort of a story that accompanies a thought process. Each event progresses in a way that allows the narrator to ponder and to discuss with himself and to remember related events. I like the choice of making this a dream so as to allow the story to not necessarily have any “purpose” other than a vessel for the subconscious thoughts and feelings of the main character. I also like that it isn’t exactly clear if this is an entirely made-up dream to our “real-life” narrator or if this is a memory. There are some parts where some of the information is a little bit overwhelming and could be a little bit easier to follow but the points are still made.
Edward:
This story was really surprising, it kept me engaged looking for the explanation, or punchline. It had this almost mystical feeling throughout. At first I found myself with growing questions about the slight inconsistencies that kept piling up. Like the compressed passage of time, for example when mother walks out of the airport, and then walks out of the airport again on pages 6 and 7; or when we travel from the palace plaza to looking out a window with no transition. I never picked up on the fact that it was a dream however, so when that was revealed at the end I had that moment of understanding where it all comes together. I think that adding those very dreamlike details without signaling obviously to the reader was really clever. I also really loved your descriptive ability, specifically the line where you talk about the guard change- that was really impactful, “They were dressed as if they were part of the surrounding overcast sky, yet simultaneously trying to protect themselves from it.” (p.8, para 2). For me it’s a really accurate portrayal of what dreams are like, I think you handled that really well. My one question is, could you keep the dreamlike quality if you added a little more action to it? Or would that detract from the overall feel?
Sarah:
I really enjoyed the child’s point of view in this story. The sequence of events and the descriptions were all very relatable, and felt accurate to the way children see the world. I also loved the description of Teddy’s fur, I could really imagine how silky and beautiful it was; juxtaposed with the description of the Webkinz that went in the pool,“She never looked the same after entering those frigid waters, and later the washing machine. Her fur was stiff and unmoving, and the distress in her eyes was horrible.” (p. 3, para 2) The description of the children playing outside also reminded me of childhood games I played with my little brother. The horror of lice too was well conveyed, but I think the child’s reaction could have been taken further. My eldest cousin had lice as a child, we were visiting my aunt’s house, and I can still remember the blood curdling screams from the bathroom when she discovered their presence. (I just want to add that the lice were successfully contained by my mother and my aunt, no one else got them, and no stuffed animals were harmed, though I do remember they had to spend a few weeks on “vacation” in the garage in plastic trash bags.) My question is could the emotions of the child be amplified a little bit when they discover the lice? Everyone is really calm, Erin is also really calm when all her stuffed animals get given away. I do really like the adult language that you mix in a few times in the story, that was really funny.
Journal #9
Edward
This was a very enjoyable story to read. I really appreciated your choice to have very little written dialogue in this story. I think this really improves the story for me. I think this speaks to the main character’s quiet nature but constant stream of thought. He is always thinking and contemplating everything around him, but he seems very scared to share the thoughts he is having. He seems very scared to screw up. As someone who knows well the stress of traveling with your family I would be really interested to know if this family travels often. Would they fine tune their process with more practice? Really captivating story.
Sarah
Really impressive writing. I felt like I was a kid again the way you described play and anxiety. The worry over small things that seem so huge at the moment. At the end you had the father take a picture of her soaking wet in the kitchen. At the time the Narrator thought it was a jerk move. I wonder if later she would think the picture was funny, remembering the nightmare of the lice. But I think maybe she wouldn’t. I think maybe this day was the start of a not so funny time for the narrator. She says this is when her germophobia started. Germophobia is very commonly associated with OCD and OCD often begins at this stage in childhood and despite the prevalence of society’s jokes about it, OCD is no walk in the park. Really cool story, and I enjoyed it a lot.
Hi Edward,
I love the suspense and how we are kept wondering where the car would take us, and eventually we understand that we are at the airport by your descriptions and not by actually mentioning it. The hustle and bustle at the airport is brought to life with your descriptions. I understand that your character has come to the realization of how fast life passes by and if you would just stop and take a moment to breathe, you would realize what is truly important. I think your theme is very impactful and meaningful but I think it needs to be more clear. If you incorporate it a little better throughout the story, I think it would work well.
A line that I absolutely loved was,” Inwardly sighing again, he wondered why so many assumed that a lack of gray hair corresponded to a lack of common sense.”
The ending felt somber and reflective, and I liked the use of the weather and the men in the top hats.
Hey Sarah!
I like how colorful and descriptive your story is! As soon as I read,” Now, each weekend, one of you will bring Teddy home” I instantly thought “uh oh”. When I read that the child’s germaphobia began with the bear, I was expecting her to get a nasty bear who would look in rough shape from all the grubby fingers that had taken care of it. I did not see the lice aspect coming in at all. I like how you incorporated childish character which made it known to us that this is coming from a child’s perspective. One example especially sticks out to me,
“Frowning, I think she grew taller than me. “What now?” Emma asked, seemingly unaware of her new-found height over me.””
I also like how you incorporated sound, “as my mom repeatedly went over the same spots in my room with the vacuum. Voom, voom, voom.” Instantly, I heard a vacuum running.
I am glad that Teddy was okay, even if he became a little rigid.
Edward:
I think what impresses me and jumps out at me about your story is the writing ability you have shown us, as readers. You use sentences and words that are familiar and you take a scenario that seems rather simple, and spin it to seem more complex. The ability to take something simple and on your own, make it complex is a very underappreciated ability. Plus, the idea of feeling like your guardians don’t fully trust you, no matter how old you are or what you do is incredibly relatable, so I for one can see a clear target audience you have for this story. That plot twist towards the end of the story in my opinion really sticks with you after reading and comes out of nowhere. Sometimes people argue that you should small clues or context clues if you are going to have a plot twist, but I think being completely taken by surprise at the fact that all of this was just a dream is more impactful, because it will want to make the reader go back and read it again to see if they missed any subtle hints. However, in your last paragraph from page 8-9, where you say “Life is funny, he thought as he stared out the window into the nearby ocean amidst the
pattering of chatter and silverware. You fully appreciate what you had when all of the sudden one day it is gone, never to be seen again.”, I feel like this is the message of your story in a way, and I think you could maybe have it be the last line of the story, after the dream is revealed. I feel like him waking up and getting a message from it could be more powerful to me as a reader. I also think if possible, you could potentially show this message rather than tell it, but I do think you do a good job conveying it throughout your story. Lastly, I see some people talking about taking out the “(Where is the trust?)” sentences because it can make the story flow better, but I disagree. For me, that sentence(s) is extremely relatable because of personal things, so for me, I think leaving them where they are is smart because you put them after a certain situation, and it makes me as a reader think of any other similar scenarios where I thought about where the trust could be. Overall, I think this is a very thoughtful story and I applaud your sense of writing and technique choices.
Sarah:
Uhh…. wow. Sarah, I am extremely impressed with your story and the way you carried the conflict and writing. First off, the way you start the story off on page 1, paragraph 1 is extremely captivating, in which you say that “My germaphobia started with a stuffed animal,” and it makes me as a reader wonder what the story is going be about and the events that led to this statement. You do a really good job of letting us into Erin as a person and as a character, and I like how she has these little moments of holier than thou and smarminess that makes her somewhat relatable to me. My suggestion however would be to sort of play into that a bit more, because it could make Erin not a villain per say, but an anti-hero who you can relate to almost. The way you describe everything around Erin is incredible and allows me to envision everything that is happening, especially on page 1 paragraph 2, where Erin mentions the bear having a “smile like a lowercase w”. That is a simile I had never heard before or thought of, but it makes so much sense in the context of this story. Furthermore, the way you describe Teddy and the ‘adventures’ he and Erin go on are not only wholesome, but it makes me believe that Teddy is a real person and he is actually having a conversation with Erin. The story and situations you describe are wholesome, relatable, realistic and genuinely made me smile and laugh at times. The ending where Erin discovers the lice in her hair legitimately gave me chills because I did not see it coming. You do a good job of hiding the surprise throughout the story and tying it back to the opening sentence. However, I feel like what you could do is potentially introduce the parents a tad earlier in the story because it would give both of them more of a character and purpose of being in the story, especially since I got really sus of Erin’s dad on page 7 paragraph 3, where he jokingly says “What? it’s for Teddy’s scrapbook!”. I feel like introducing them earlier would help the reader avoid assuming things you didn’t plan for your characters and could add a level of clarity to everything. The imagery of the lice hanging down off her hair grosses me out so much, and that is why it works so well. It gets a genuine reaction out of the reader. Overall, this was a very well written and enticing story with a simple story, but the skills conveyed really elevate it to a near perfect short story.