Kat
I loved the descriptions in this piece. I think that you could tie the ending in a bit more about people doubting the main character a bit more throughout the story because it seemed a bit random compared to the rest of the story. The dialogue flows very nicely and I really liked the accent you gave the kid a lisp. I think it helped create the kids character a lot better than having him talk like an adult. Your character seems really distracted with where she is zooming at the end. I’m wondering what happened to the handsome dude or is it just the way of working in an office you are working so you don’t see every patient come and go. I liked the descriptions of dental procedures. I could feel it in my mouth while I was immersed in the story. Who was doubting her? Was it the old guy? Describing some of the different types of patients might be interesting and add a bit more to the story then just being like ha you know what I am saying.
Zak
I like this draft a lot! I want to know who the boy is. There needs to be some more personalized descriptions added about The Boy. I feel a lot of what he is feeling. His internal dialogue you have written is incredibly strong, what his emotions are is super in depth and very well descriptive. But I think that there should be more of what his own personality is along with the feelings. Like what he likes to do alongside the strong emotions about what is happening with his mother leaving. But I feel like I need to know a little bit more about him. There are also a lot of sentences that tell me what is going on instead of showing me through descriptions of the world around him and what he is thinking. I think that they could become more showing me, just by editing it a little bit, example on page two paragraph two. Where he wants a distraction. I really like how the dialogue is set up. It goes into the plot and story too. It just happens to the reader like what just happened with the mom leaving. I wonder what this would sound like in first person. May adding what was so different about her leaving, how they each had different relationships with her maybe The Boy was a lot closer to her then the other sons. Did it affect more then just getting driven to practice around the house? What about if she is the one parent making the most income?
Hi Kat! I thought this was a great story overall, and there is very little I would recommend changing. It is a great story about – what I assume is – a dental assistant and her experience working at a dental office. There are some spots throughout where I am a bit confused on what tense you are telling the story in. At the beginning of your story, it seems like you are talking in past tense, but in other parts it seems like the present. On p. 2 para. 7, you say, “My stomach dropped as I nervously laughed…”. But then on p. 2 para. 8, you say,. “Hopefully he can’t hear my racing heart”. This did confuse me a bit, so I would try to talk in the same tense throughout, either past or present. In the beginning though, I would highlight some of your more important background information about your character, telling us about her history with patients – both good and bad. On p. 6, when you are introducing the past relationship your main character was in, I would give a bit more context before you start saying how they met. In para. 7, you say “I met Arthur at Round’s Apparel…”. I would instead say something like, “My old boyfriend’s name was Arthur, and we met at Round’s Apparel…”. I think this would make the paragraph flow better together and not make this scene feel so sudden. I might also recommend combining some of your paragraphs where you feel it works in your favor. The smaller paragraphs make it seem like they are individual scenes instead of one consistent story. My grandmother just retired from being a dental hygienist for over 30 years, so this story really spoke to me because I remember all of the stories she used to tell me about her patients which were some of the same ones you talked about in your story. I also loved your ending sentence and it tied in great with your title.
Zak:
Hey Zak! I really enjoyed your writing and thought you had a great storyline overall. You have great detail on the boy’s emotions and how they affect the people around him. Small details make a huge difference in a story and I think you encapsulated everything extremely well. On p. 5 you talk about how the older brothers are putting the boy down, and making him feel worse about the situation. It is very easy for older siblings to “walk-all-over” younger siblings, and not realize how much an experience like this can hinder the rest of their lives. The inclusion of the dog Izzy also really strengthens your story and adds yet another element that makes the story feel more “real”. On p. 6 para. 3 the boy is questioning whether or not the absence of his mother is his fault. Again, this is a very common thing that children of divorced parents ask themselves which can also heavily impact the rest of their lives and cause them to question everything they do from that moment on. There are certain sports where I would check punctuation errors, and have each paragraph separated uniformly throughout, and have dialogue be their own separate paragraphs. Your title also caught my attention immediately and when I was done reading, I found that it fit extremely well with the theme of your story.
“Finding Purpose Through Trials”:
The story is about a young woman finding purpose in life, which she strives to do in many regards, especially her job. At the end of the story, she overcomes her doubts caused by the fussy and angry patients, as she finds a job in the pediatrics office. She pursues this job after she helps Jamie through providing him company during his dentist appointment, which makes her feel useful.
I like how the character changes at the end, and it is obvious how helping Jamie gave her the confidence to pursue being a pediatrician. I also like how the first person narrative enhances our knowledge of the main character’s personality and thoughts. She also had a sense of humor that made the story entertaining.
Question: Why does the story take place 1 year after she begins practicing professionally full time rather than right away? Is it because that shows how pervasive these doubts have been rather than just having a rough first impression of the business?
The story was engaging, and I think the title sounds a little bit generic for such a niche story. Maybe a title involving a dentistry pun that is in some way related to trials would be funner.
“An Emotional Journey”:
This story is about a boy navigating the difficulties of his mother leaving. These difficulties translate into the boy’s everyday life, and are very evident in his social interactions. The story is also about overcoming tragedy.
I like how there are a few moments or memories from the past interspersed into the present scenarios. I also like how all of the characters mentioned, from the dad to the brothers to the teachers, all have a critical role in advancing the story forward or portraying a tough reality that the boy faces. I also like how the mother’s exit in the beginning is described in such a way that what was truly going on was revealed only after a few paragraphs. However, the reader is provided with hints of what is going on that allude to this fact before it is explicitly stated.
Question: Why did you choose to focus on the perspective of the 12 year old rather than the 16 or 17 year old, or the father?
Again, I think that the title could be less vague and provide the reader with an idea of what the story might be about. There are many kinds of emotional journey’s but maybe the title narrows it down to a key feeling or experience the boy has.
Kat I really enjoyed your story about a dental assistant and what it is like through her eyes working at a dental office. I loved the second paragraph on pg one when you said “After the first week at the office, I feared I had made a mistake. Am I really cut out for this? Can I do this?” I loved how this shows the questions that go through your head when something you have worked for actually happens, and I think these questions in your main character’s head captured it perfectly. The only thing I would say to work on is figuring out what tense your story is told in. Is your character looking back at her experience? Or is she experiencing it now? At first I assumed it was present tense but then I read a line on pg 2 para 7 when you said “My stomach dropped as I nervously laughed..” reading that got me thinking if it was past tense. The last thing I would recommend is just double spacing your story so it is easier to read. But overall I love the story and am sure the final draft will be great!
Zak
Zak I really loved your story, you had such great detail throughout which I really enjoyed. Even from the first paragraph I love that you jumped right into the story and made me want to keep reading to know what was going on. Something I really love is the fact that you refer to your character as “The Boy” . It shows that it isn’t just one character, it represents all the boys that have experienced the same thing and that I think is so special. I really loved the line “It’s okay to be angry, you know. It’s okay to be confused. But Austin, don’t let this stop you from living your life. You have too many great things ahead of you.” I think this is such a good quote and gives reassurance. Overall the only thing I would change is to not separate your sentences, for example:
“ As the boy slept through the night, he hoped that every creek in the wall was the front door to the house
opening, however, he grew more disappointed.
The next morning when the boy woke for school he hoped that everything from his disappointing night
before was just a mere dream. However, when the boy was greeted by his distraught father in the morning
he knew it was far from a bad dream.”
So instead of setting it up like that just make it a separate paragraph and start from there, but I really enjoyed this story!
I really enjoyed reading Kat’s story! I felt like the pacing was good and kept me interested. The description of the types of people a dentist will deal with was interesting and incredibly true. I liked having an insight on the main character’s preferences when it came to her patients, and the relationships they establish when she has each one. I enjoyed how she dealt with her fussy patient, how at first, she bowed to his whims and apologized, but then found her voice a bit. She was able to stand her ground and remain professional, which I appreciated. The introduction of the little kid was wonderful. The joy and excitement were palpable and gave the reader a feel-good feeling, raising their spirits after the harsh character beforehand. I liked seeing how the main character thrived when talking to a child, which led to her decision to switch to pediatric dentistry. The only note I have is that there might be a way to make the kid’s language a bit more realistic. If he has a speech impediment or the general lilt young kids have when talking, it might be for only specific letters, so I would pay attention to that. Wonderful story!
Zak’s story was really interesting, and I found myself hooked while reading it. Something that caught my attention was the use of “the boy”. I thought it was an interesting way to refer to the main character, and I enjoyed that even after we learned his name was Austin, he was still referred to as the boy. It was consistent and I appreciated it. Something that really stuck with me was how this character had to deal with his emotions in a house full of men. Among men there’s a rule (spoken and unspoken) that emotions aren’t meant to be expressed. Crying isn’t manly, expressing your feelings isn’t masculine. I really felt that reflected in this story, along with the boy’s struggles with dealing with how he felt with his brothers in denial and his father doing the best he can. I really liked the dad’s character. He wasn’t cruel, he didn’t discourage the boy’s feelings or questions, he was just trying his best. He dealt with it the best way he knew how, with short answers, alcohol, distractions. But when the boy needed it most, he was there to reassure him. To tell him how proud he was. I thought that was beautiful. My only critique is the formatting. I would space it out a little more to make it more digestible. I really liked this story.
Your story truly was an emotional journey. This story of divorce and abandonment showed how it affected a young preteen boy and his family. I like the usage of the passing of time and how eventually the deep feelings of hurt gradually lessen. Perhaps it does not go away, but life does go on. I like how each member of the family coped in their own way. The verbal abuse from the older brothers is extremely realistic. The silence from the father but the visual image of the beer bottles/cans showed his distress. I think you described it very well how men do not typically share their feelings and tend to hide it. The acceptance of the circumstance and the way the brothers slowly started showing their care for Austin and playing ball with him. The entire story had an air of melancholy which grasped the reader. I definitely felt the solemn mood. It got really repetitive reading “the boy”, over and over again. Perhaps you should say Austin, more often. I think you can expand on why the boy thought it was his fault that his mother left. You mention it once in the beginning, but he does not really talk about it after.
Kat
This is a story about a girl trying to find her place in the world. Particularly in a career. I like the narrator’s willingness to be open to trying new things even on such short notice. Also the line, “headed over to my patient who should be as numb as my feelings.” made me laugh, I thought it was smart coming from the narrator’s disappointment in her own love life. I thought that somehow Mr. Schoon would be the contributing factor to her either finding a new job or becoming more courageous in her current one, but it ended up being the child. I would suggest seeing more of the child sooner, since it was the pivotal moment for the character and he didn’t come into the story until page 8 out of 10. I felt that we were jumping from a bunch of smaller stories that shaped her experience, but it might be nice to just go through one day with a few patients and end with Jamie instead of flashing back to other stories. As a reader I felt like I was not grounded in a particular time, which made some of the story somewhat confusing since I couldn’t tell if this portion was from two weeks ago while another is from ten months ago or if it is happening in the present day. It is very challenging to figure out what one wants to do in life, and I felt this story portrayed that well.
Zak
I felt this story depicted a child experiencing the loss of a parent, though knowing they are not dead which comes with other baggage tied to his grief. I liked the way you depicted this now broken family especially with the use of third-person. It was like a first-person from third-person that made it unique. I am curious about why the brothers seemingly didn’t care that their mom was gone, and yelled at Austin for being upset about it. Kids often pick up on more than one might think, but here it seems that the dad had no idea his wife would leave either. There is a line on Page three that I think you could remove, “it allowed for a distraction from the harsh realities at home”. This end of the sentence is something that the reader already gathers at this point. It is part of the subtext that they understand, so ending the sentence at “would solve everything” would be enough.
Zak:
This was really well written. The way you conveyed how sudden change happens and how terrible events frequently come with no warning realling hit me. The way you conveyed heartbreak with so few words was really great, I found it moving. The way you threw us in without knowing what was going on, so we could feel the confusion and concern that the boy felt along with him was so good. I loved how you could feel the distance between the family members as they dealt with what had happened by themselves, and how the boy remained nameless until halfway through. His lack of a name showed us that distance between him and his family, but also how he had lost a piece of himself from the loss of his mother. I also felt like by leaving him nameless until halfway through, we got the sense that he was finding himself again as his friends called out his name. That was really well done.
This was such an intentional and well depicted rendition of the modern nuclear family, and the burden that is placed on young boys. At the top of page 8 the father compliments Austin on “growing up” and tells him that he’s “proud” of him. While it goes unsaid it feels like the father is congratulating Austin for keeping his emotions hidden, and keeping a stiff upper lip. The impact of the weight of that societal norm became really clear to me when we heard how the boy felt, “The boy had no clue what to say. He didn’t feel overly proud of himself. He was just surviving.” The father is so well intentioned when he says this, and it’s a heartwarming moment between the two of them, but seeing how they were both swallowing how painful this was for them and just living with it made me so sad. It was moments like that, where you are able to tap into our emotions without directly stating how we should be feeling that made this story so impactful for me. It was so relatable in the way it was written, and the boy’s voice was so clear too.
My only question is about the capitalization of the sports. Was that intentional to show their importance to the boy? Football and Basketball were capitalized a lot, so I was wondering.
Ekaterina:
This story was really interesting. It felt very slice of life. It was interesting meeting the patients, I wanted to know more about them. Getting to meet so many different characters was really cool and I loved getting the side plot of the elderly couple. I also liked how vivid the dental office was, it felt like you know someone who works in a dental office, or perhaps have worked in one yourself. My big question about this story is how a retail worker got a job as a dental assistant in just a few months. Most states require a certain level of education and certification, usually at least two years of training and certification to be competitive. You never really touch on pay either, but dental jobs in most states are fairly well paid, so they can be very competitive. For me the fact that she just decides to try it and gets a job right away pulled me out of the story. Maybe if you include something about setting, it would make more sense. For example if you included that we were in a state that didn’t require certifications, and that we are in a small town maybe? So that we know the job market will be less competitive. I think that would really help to keep the reader immersed. It would also explain why there’s no pediatric dentist. Most parents won’t take their children to adult dentists. I’m personally from a big city where adult dental practices do not accept children as patients, so knowing that would also be helpful. I really enjoyed the characterization of the girl, so adding these setting details would be a minor change that would make it much more impactful.
Kat,
I love how obvious your knowledge of dentistry is. I don’t know if you’re pre-dental or if this is just extremely well-researched, but this set up the story really well by painting a vivid picture of the main character’s day-to-day work life. I also like that you show us how she grows from the beginning to the end by showcasing her newfound confidence with patients, but also her new lack of questioning thoughts. This also is a typical thought process as a young adult—not knowing where you want to take your career is really relatable and I like that you added some personality and some joy to this story.
Zak,
I like your choice to refer to your main character as “the boy,” even when we know what his name is eventually. I think it really highlights the way in which men deal with their emotions, and shows that his experience with this event which is tragic to him is dealt with in a way that forces us to consider how his gender influences it. These unspoken struggles with perceived masculinity also come to light when his older brother tells him to “stop being such a bitch” about their mother leaving. I really like how you push the story forward with Austin’s emotions, and how you acknowledge the phenomena of moving on from something even when you don’t feel ready to—that was something that really pulled me into the story. I like the way that you wrote Austin’s character as confused and scared rather than confident or hopeful after tragedy has struck his young life, you established his juvenility really well with that.
I thought you did really well with the voice and humor throughout the piece. Your voice was very conversational and your humor shines through, especially in the descriptions of dental procedures and quirky patients like Mr. Schoon. This makes the narrative feel lively and personal, keeping the reader entertained. You capture the internal conflict many face in their careers—feeling uncertain, questioning one’s worth, and struggling with difficult people. It resonates with anyone who’s wondered, “Am I cut out for this?” The way you describe different patients, especially contrasting the grumpy Mr. Schoon with the upbeat Jamie Whittle, helps humanize them. The details about patients’ behavior add richness to the story.
A couple things I would maybe work on: You touch on themes of purpose and finding meaning, but they could be expanded upon. For example, the moment where the narrator reflects on why she hasn’t left the job yet could be a perfect spot for a deeper introspection about what truly keeps her going—aside from the patients, what else has she learned about herself? I also thought th transitions between events and scenes could be smoother, especially jumping over large time gaps. Perhaps indicating the passage of time more clearly would help the readers understand how long the main character has been working there and how her thoughts have evolved. And finally, the main character’s struggles with self-worth and her growing confidence could lead to a more defined moment of emotional realization or breakthrough. The ending felt abrupt and handed to the reader in a way. The reflection is there, but building to a more impactful conclusion would give the story a stronger ending. Even if it’s not outright telling the reader that she applied and got a job, maybe it’s emphasizing on her realizing she works great with kids and has hope about pursuing a career working with kids rather than adults.
Zak:
I really enjoyed reading An Emotional Journey. The emotional depth of the boy’s inner conflict and his struggles to process his mother’s sudden departure was portrayed beautifully. You did a fantastic job capturing his confusion, loneliness, and gradual acceptance of the situation. The way you described his interactions with his father and brothers, as well as his coping mechanisms like school and sports, was very realistic and relatable. I especially liked how you incorporated small moments, like the boy sitting in silence with his father or reminiscing about family outings, to highlight the emotional weight he’s carrying. Those quiet, reflective scenes were powerful and added to the depth of the narrative. The portrayal of Izzy as a comforting presence was also a nice touch, providing a bit of warmth in an otherwise emotionally heavy story.
While the boy’s emotional journey is well-developed, his brothers felt somewhat static. Maybe explore more of their perspectives or reactions to their mother’s departure to add complexity to their relationship with the boy. Showing how they deal with the loss in their own way might make them more multidimensional. The story has a strong emotional build-up, but it felt like it lacked a definitive climatic moment. You might want to consider a more intense confrontation or emotional outburst, perhaps between the boy and his father or his brothers, where everything comes to a head. That could provide a stronger resolution for the boy’s emotional journey.
Kat: I really enjoyed your story. The pacing was engaging, and I appreciated the insightful portrayal of the different types of patients a dentist encounters. It felt true to life, especially how the main character’s preferences and relationships with each patient were detailed. I liked how she handled the challenging, fussy patient—initially accommodating him but gradually asserting herself while staying professional. It was satisfying to see her growth.
The introduction of the little boy was also heartwarming; his joy and excitement lifted the tone after the previous difficult interaction. It was clear how much the main character enjoyed talking to children, which made her decision to pursue pediatric dentistry feel natural. However, I think the boy’s dialogue could be adjusted to sound more like a young child’s speech. There were times where I was confused with what tense the story was in as at some points it shifts from present to past and vice versa. The ending tied nicely with the title, wrapping up the story in a meaningful way.
Kat,
I love the misleading intro! Wonderful way to pull your reader into the story. Your humor and quick wit make your character super relatable, as well. I appreciate all the background and detail on dentistry too, I wouldn’t have known what was going on otherwise. The background on different patients helped move your story along, good job. Your characters feel very humanized and there is the perfect amount of even flow with good uses of dialogue.
Zak,
I love this exposition at the beginning that takes us immediately into the story. This was a very personal read, and it felt a bit cluttered at first but as it unfolded I started to understand more. I feel like you could have held off on telling your audience that his mother had left and instead alluded to it throughout the story, maybe given it an air of uncertainty before a full on realization or something of the sort. The dialogue and the relationship situation between the 12-year-old boys felt really natural, too. I feel like you could milk his longing for his mother more as well, it feels like you talk about her leaving but not its repercussions.
Kat, this is an endearing story about a young woman finding her career path through the relationships she builds with her dental clients. I love the description of the inside of a mouth at the bottom of page four and the top of five. Comparing it to a dark cellar is really interesting. Also, the dialogue for Jamie is so cute! Get details there. One question I have is where does the character’s drive for usefulness come from, and why does she consider some things to be useful and others not? For example, someone else in her position may think the initial dental work she did was useful. What in her life guides her perception of usefulness? One comment I have is that I think you could do a little bit more show not tell, especially in the intro and conclusion. I do feel that, in general, the conclusion could be more emotionally impactful. Overall, this is a fantastic story that flows really well!
Zak, this is a really great story. I like that you didn’t use the first person for it; it adds to the repression the boy is going through as if he can’t articulate his feelings and needs someone else to do so. You also did a really good job capturing the inner anxiety and paranoia of someone going through something they don’t want other people to know about. This does a fantastic job of capturing the emotions of someone in this situation. I think you could probably find a way to amp up the feelings you portray here, but overall it’s a fantastic story.
13 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 11”
Kat
I loved the descriptions in this piece. I think that you could tie the ending in a bit more about people doubting the main character a bit more throughout the story because it seemed a bit random compared to the rest of the story. The dialogue flows very nicely and I really liked the accent you gave the kid a lisp. I think it helped create the kids character a lot better than having him talk like an adult. Your character seems really distracted with where she is zooming at the end. I’m wondering what happened to the handsome dude or is it just the way of working in an office you are working so you don’t see every patient come and go. I liked the descriptions of dental procedures. I could feel it in my mouth while I was immersed in the story. Who was doubting her? Was it the old guy? Describing some of the different types of patients might be interesting and add a bit more to the story then just being like ha you know what I am saying.
Zak
I like this draft a lot! I want to know who the boy is. There needs to be some more personalized descriptions added about The Boy. I feel a lot of what he is feeling. His internal dialogue you have written is incredibly strong, what his emotions are is super in depth and very well descriptive. But I think that there should be more of what his own personality is along with the feelings. Like what he likes to do alongside the strong emotions about what is happening with his mother leaving. But I feel like I need to know a little bit more about him. There are also a lot of sentences that tell me what is going on instead of showing me through descriptions of the world around him and what he is thinking. I think that they could become more showing me, just by editing it a little bit, example on page two paragraph two. Where he wants a distraction. I really like how the dialogue is set up. It goes into the plot and story too. It just happens to the reader like what just happened with the mom leaving. I wonder what this would sound like in first person. May adding what was so different about her leaving, how they each had different relationships with her maybe The Boy was a lot closer to her then the other sons. Did it affect more then just getting driven to practice around the house? What about if she is the one parent making the most income?
Kat:
Hi Kat! I thought this was a great story overall, and there is very little I would recommend changing. It is a great story about – what I assume is – a dental assistant and her experience working at a dental office. There are some spots throughout where I am a bit confused on what tense you are telling the story in. At the beginning of your story, it seems like you are talking in past tense, but in other parts it seems like the present. On p. 2 para. 7, you say, “My stomach dropped as I nervously laughed…”. But then on p. 2 para. 8, you say,. “Hopefully he can’t hear my racing heart”. This did confuse me a bit, so I would try to talk in the same tense throughout, either past or present. In the beginning though, I would highlight some of your more important background information about your character, telling us about her history with patients – both good and bad. On p. 6, when you are introducing the past relationship your main character was in, I would give a bit more context before you start saying how they met. In para. 7, you say “I met Arthur at Round’s Apparel…”. I would instead say something like, “My old boyfriend’s name was Arthur, and we met at Round’s Apparel…”. I think this would make the paragraph flow better together and not make this scene feel so sudden. I might also recommend combining some of your paragraphs where you feel it works in your favor. The smaller paragraphs make it seem like they are individual scenes instead of one consistent story. My grandmother just retired from being a dental hygienist for over 30 years, so this story really spoke to me because I remember all of the stories she used to tell me about her patients which were some of the same ones you talked about in your story. I also loved your ending sentence and it tied in great with your title.
Zak:
Hey Zak! I really enjoyed your writing and thought you had a great storyline overall. You have great detail on the boy’s emotions and how they affect the people around him. Small details make a huge difference in a story and I think you encapsulated everything extremely well. On p. 5 you talk about how the older brothers are putting the boy down, and making him feel worse about the situation. It is very easy for older siblings to “walk-all-over” younger siblings, and not realize how much an experience like this can hinder the rest of their lives. The inclusion of the dog Izzy also really strengthens your story and adds yet another element that makes the story feel more “real”. On p. 6 para. 3 the boy is questioning whether or not the absence of his mother is his fault. Again, this is a very common thing that children of divorced parents ask themselves which can also heavily impact the rest of their lives and cause them to question everything they do from that moment on. There are certain sports where I would check punctuation errors, and have each paragraph separated uniformly throughout, and have dialogue be their own separate paragraphs. Your title also caught my attention immediately and when I was done reading, I found that it fit extremely well with the theme of your story.
“Finding Purpose Through Trials”:
The story is about a young woman finding purpose in life, which she strives to do in many regards, especially her job. At the end of the story, she overcomes her doubts caused by the fussy and angry patients, as she finds a job in the pediatrics office. She pursues this job after she helps Jamie through providing him company during his dentist appointment, which makes her feel useful.
I like how the character changes at the end, and it is obvious how helping Jamie gave her the confidence to pursue being a pediatrician. I also like how the first person narrative enhances our knowledge of the main character’s personality and thoughts. She also had a sense of humor that made the story entertaining.
Question: Why does the story take place 1 year after she begins practicing professionally full time rather than right away? Is it because that shows how pervasive these doubts have been rather than just having a rough first impression of the business?
The story was engaging, and I think the title sounds a little bit generic for such a niche story. Maybe a title involving a dentistry pun that is in some way related to trials would be funner.
“An Emotional Journey”:
This story is about a boy navigating the difficulties of his mother leaving. These difficulties translate into the boy’s everyday life, and are very evident in his social interactions. The story is also about overcoming tragedy.
I like how there are a few moments or memories from the past interspersed into the present scenarios. I also like how all of the characters mentioned, from the dad to the brothers to the teachers, all have a critical role in advancing the story forward or portraying a tough reality that the boy faces. I also like how the mother’s exit in the beginning is described in such a way that what was truly going on was revealed only after a few paragraphs. However, the reader is provided with hints of what is going on that allude to this fact before it is explicitly stated.
Question: Why did you choose to focus on the perspective of the 12 year old rather than the 16 or 17 year old, or the father?
Again, I think that the title could be less vague and provide the reader with an idea of what the story might be about. There are many kinds of emotional journey’s but maybe the title narrows it down to a key feeling or experience the boy has.
Kat
Kat I really enjoyed your story about a dental assistant and what it is like through her eyes working at a dental office. I loved the second paragraph on pg one when you said “After the first week at the office, I feared I had made a mistake. Am I really cut out for this? Can I do this?” I loved how this shows the questions that go through your head when something you have worked for actually happens, and I think these questions in your main character’s head captured it perfectly. The only thing I would say to work on is figuring out what tense your story is told in. Is your character looking back at her experience? Or is she experiencing it now? At first I assumed it was present tense but then I read a line on pg 2 para 7 when you said “My stomach dropped as I nervously laughed..” reading that got me thinking if it was past tense. The last thing I would recommend is just double spacing your story so it is easier to read. But overall I love the story and am sure the final draft will be great!
Zak
Zak I really loved your story, you had such great detail throughout which I really enjoyed. Even from the first paragraph I love that you jumped right into the story and made me want to keep reading to know what was going on. Something I really love is the fact that you refer to your character as “The Boy” . It shows that it isn’t just one character, it represents all the boys that have experienced the same thing and that I think is so special. I really loved the line “It’s okay to be angry, you know. It’s okay to be confused. But Austin, don’t let this stop you from living your life. You have too many great things ahead of you.” I think this is such a good quote and gives reassurance. Overall the only thing I would change is to not separate your sentences, for example:
“ As the boy slept through the night, he hoped that every creek in the wall was the front door to the house
opening, however, he grew more disappointed.
The next morning when the boy woke for school he hoped that everything from his disappointing night
before was just a mere dream. However, when the boy was greeted by his distraught father in the morning
he knew it was far from a bad dream.”
So instead of setting it up like that just make it a separate paragraph and start from there, but I really enjoyed this story!
I really enjoyed reading Kat’s story! I felt like the pacing was good and kept me interested. The description of the types of people a dentist will deal with was interesting and incredibly true. I liked having an insight on the main character’s preferences when it came to her patients, and the relationships they establish when she has each one. I enjoyed how she dealt with her fussy patient, how at first, she bowed to his whims and apologized, but then found her voice a bit. She was able to stand her ground and remain professional, which I appreciated. The introduction of the little kid was wonderful. The joy and excitement were palpable and gave the reader a feel-good feeling, raising their spirits after the harsh character beforehand. I liked seeing how the main character thrived when talking to a child, which led to her decision to switch to pediatric dentistry. The only note I have is that there might be a way to make the kid’s language a bit more realistic. If he has a speech impediment or the general lilt young kids have when talking, it might be for only specific letters, so I would pay attention to that. Wonderful story!
Zak’s story was really interesting, and I found myself hooked while reading it. Something that caught my attention was the use of “the boy”. I thought it was an interesting way to refer to the main character, and I enjoyed that even after we learned his name was Austin, he was still referred to as the boy. It was consistent and I appreciated it. Something that really stuck with me was how this character had to deal with his emotions in a house full of men. Among men there’s a rule (spoken and unspoken) that emotions aren’t meant to be expressed. Crying isn’t manly, expressing your feelings isn’t masculine. I really felt that reflected in this story, along with the boy’s struggles with dealing with how he felt with his brothers in denial and his father doing the best he can. I really liked the dad’s character. He wasn’t cruel, he didn’t discourage the boy’s feelings or questions, he was just trying his best. He dealt with it the best way he knew how, with short answers, alcohol, distractions. But when the boy needed it most, he was there to reassure him. To tell him how proud he was. I thought that was beautiful. My only critique is the formatting. I would space it out a little more to make it more digestible. I really liked this story.
Hey Zak,
Your story truly was an emotional journey. This story of divorce and abandonment showed how it affected a young preteen boy and his family. I like the usage of the passing of time and how eventually the deep feelings of hurt gradually lessen. Perhaps it does not go away, but life does go on. I like how each member of the family coped in their own way. The verbal abuse from the older brothers is extremely realistic. The silence from the father but the visual image of the beer bottles/cans showed his distress. I think you described it very well how men do not typically share their feelings and tend to hide it. The acceptance of the circumstance and the way the brothers slowly started showing their care for Austin and playing ball with him. The entire story had an air of melancholy which grasped the reader. I definitely felt the solemn mood. It got really repetitive reading “the boy”, over and over again. Perhaps you should say Austin, more often. I think you can expand on why the boy thought it was his fault that his mother left. You mention it once in the beginning, but he does not really talk about it after.
Kat
This is a story about a girl trying to find her place in the world. Particularly in a career. I like the narrator’s willingness to be open to trying new things even on such short notice. Also the line, “headed over to my patient who should be as numb as my feelings.” made me laugh, I thought it was smart coming from the narrator’s disappointment in her own love life. I thought that somehow Mr. Schoon would be the contributing factor to her either finding a new job or becoming more courageous in her current one, but it ended up being the child. I would suggest seeing more of the child sooner, since it was the pivotal moment for the character and he didn’t come into the story until page 8 out of 10. I felt that we were jumping from a bunch of smaller stories that shaped her experience, but it might be nice to just go through one day with a few patients and end with Jamie instead of flashing back to other stories. As a reader I felt like I was not grounded in a particular time, which made some of the story somewhat confusing since I couldn’t tell if this portion was from two weeks ago while another is from ten months ago or if it is happening in the present day. It is very challenging to figure out what one wants to do in life, and I felt this story portrayed that well.
Zak
I felt this story depicted a child experiencing the loss of a parent, though knowing they are not dead which comes with other baggage tied to his grief. I liked the way you depicted this now broken family especially with the use of third-person. It was like a first-person from third-person that made it unique. I am curious about why the brothers seemingly didn’t care that their mom was gone, and yelled at Austin for being upset about it. Kids often pick up on more than one might think, but here it seems that the dad had no idea his wife would leave either. There is a line on Page three that I think you could remove, “it allowed for a distraction from the harsh realities at home”. This end of the sentence is something that the reader already gathers at this point. It is part of the subtext that they understand, so ending the sentence at “would solve everything” would be enough.
Zak:
This was really well written. The way you conveyed how sudden change happens and how terrible events frequently come with no warning realling hit me. The way you conveyed heartbreak with so few words was really great, I found it moving. The way you threw us in without knowing what was going on, so we could feel the confusion and concern that the boy felt along with him was so good. I loved how you could feel the distance between the family members as they dealt with what had happened by themselves, and how the boy remained nameless until halfway through. His lack of a name showed us that distance between him and his family, but also how he had lost a piece of himself from the loss of his mother. I also felt like by leaving him nameless until halfway through, we got the sense that he was finding himself again as his friends called out his name. That was really well done.
This was such an intentional and well depicted rendition of the modern nuclear family, and the burden that is placed on young boys. At the top of page 8 the father compliments Austin on “growing up” and tells him that he’s “proud” of him. While it goes unsaid it feels like the father is congratulating Austin for keeping his emotions hidden, and keeping a stiff upper lip. The impact of the weight of that societal norm became really clear to me when we heard how the boy felt, “The boy had no clue what to say. He didn’t feel overly proud of himself. He was just surviving.” The father is so well intentioned when he says this, and it’s a heartwarming moment between the two of them, but seeing how they were both swallowing how painful this was for them and just living with it made me so sad. It was moments like that, where you are able to tap into our emotions without directly stating how we should be feeling that made this story so impactful for me. It was so relatable in the way it was written, and the boy’s voice was so clear too.
My only question is about the capitalization of the sports. Was that intentional to show their importance to the boy? Football and Basketball were capitalized a lot, so I was wondering.
Ekaterina:
This story was really interesting. It felt very slice of life. It was interesting meeting the patients, I wanted to know more about them. Getting to meet so many different characters was really cool and I loved getting the side plot of the elderly couple. I also liked how vivid the dental office was, it felt like you know someone who works in a dental office, or perhaps have worked in one yourself. My big question about this story is how a retail worker got a job as a dental assistant in just a few months. Most states require a certain level of education and certification, usually at least two years of training and certification to be competitive. You never really touch on pay either, but dental jobs in most states are fairly well paid, so they can be very competitive. For me the fact that she just decides to try it and gets a job right away pulled me out of the story. Maybe if you include something about setting, it would make more sense. For example if you included that we were in a state that didn’t require certifications, and that we are in a small town maybe? So that we know the job market will be less competitive. I think that would really help to keep the reader immersed. It would also explain why there’s no pediatric dentist. Most parents won’t take their children to adult dentists. I’m personally from a big city where adult dental practices do not accept children as patients, so knowing that would also be helpful. I really enjoyed the characterization of the girl, so adding these setting details would be a minor change that would make it much more impactful.
Kat,
I love how obvious your knowledge of dentistry is. I don’t know if you’re pre-dental or if this is just extremely well-researched, but this set up the story really well by painting a vivid picture of the main character’s day-to-day work life. I also like that you show us how she grows from the beginning to the end by showcasing her newfound confidence with patients, but also her new lack of questioning thoughts. This also is a typical thought process as a young adult—not knowing where you want to take your career is really relatable and I like that you added some personality and some joy to this story.
Zak,
I like your choice to refer to your main character as “the boy,” even when we know what his name is eventually. I think it really highlights the way in which men deal with their emotions, and shows that his experience with this event which is tragic to him is dealt with in a way that forces us to consider how his gender influences it. These unspoken struggles with perceived masculinity also come to light when his older brother tells him to “stop being such a bitch” about their mother leaving. I really like how you push the story forward with Austin’s emotions, and how you acknowledge the phenomena of moving on from something even when you don’t feel ready to—that was something that really pulled me into the story. I like the way that you wrote Austin’s character as confused and scared rather than confident or hopeful after tragedy has struck his young life, you established his juvenility really well with that.
Kat:
I thought you did really well with the voice and humor throughout the piece. Your voice was very conversational and your humor shines through, especially in the descriptions of dental procedures and quirky patients like Mr. Schoon. This makes the narrative feel lively and personal, keeping the reader entertained. You capture the internal conflict many face in their careers—feeling uncertain, questioning one’s worth, and struggling with difficult people. It resonates with anyone who’s wondered, “Am I cut out for this?” The way you describe different patients, especially contrasting the grumpy Mr. Schoon with the upbeat Jamie Whittle, helps humanize them. The details about patients’ behavior add richness to the story.
A couple things I would maybe work on: You touch on themes of purpose and finding meaning, but they could be expanded upon. For example, the moment where the narrator reflects on why she hasn’t left the job yet could be a perfect spot for a deeper introspection about what truly keeps her going—aside from the patients, what else has she learned about herself? I also thought th transitions between events and scenes could be smoother, especially jumping over large time gaps. Perhaps indicating the passage of time more clearly would help the readers understand how long the main character has been working there and how her thoughts have evolved. And finally, the main character’s struggles with self-worth and her growing confidence could lead to a more defined moment of emotional realization or breakthrough. The ending felt abrupt and handed to the reader in a way. The reflection is there, but building to a more impactful conclusion would give the story a stronger ending. Even if it’s not outright telling the reader that she applied and got a job, maybe it’s emphasizing on her realizing she works great with kids and has hope about pursuing a career working with kids rather than adults.
Zak:
I really enjoyed reading An Emotional Journey. The emotional depth of the boy’s inner conflict and his struggles to process his mother’s sudden departure was portrayed beautifully. You did a fantastic job capturing his confusion, loneliness, and gradual acceptance of the situation. The way you described his interactions with his father and brothers, as well as his coping mechanisms like school and sports, was very realistic and relatable. I especially liked how you incorporated small moments, like the boy sitting in silence with his father or reminiscing about family outings, to highlight the emotional weight he’s carrying. Those quiet, reflective scenes were powerful and added to the depth of the narrative. The portrayal of Izzy as a comforting presence was also a nice touch, providing a bit of warmth in an otherwise emotionally heavy story.
While the boy’s emotional journey is well-developed, his brothers felt somewhat static. Maybe explore more of their perspectives or reactions to their mother’s departure to add complexity to their relationship with the boy. Showing how they deal with the loss in their own way might make them more multidimensional. The story has a strong emotional build-up, but it felt like it lacked a definitive climatic moment. You might want to consider a more intense confrontation or emotional outburst, perhaps between the boy and his father or his brothers, where everything comes to a head. That could provide a stronger resolution for the boy’s emotional journey.
Kat: I really enjoyed your story. The pacing was engaging, and I appreciated the insightful portrayal of the different types of patients a dentist encounters. It felt true to life, especially how the main character’s preferences and relationships with each patient were detailed. I liked how she handled the challenging, fussy patient—initially accommodating him but gradually asserting herself while staying professional. It was satisfying to see her growth.
The introduction of the little boy was also heartwarming; his joy and excitement lifted the tone after the previous difficult interaction. It was clear how much the main character enjoyed talking to children, which made her decision to pursue pediatric dentistry feel natural. However, I think the boy’s dialogue could be adjusted to sound more like a young child’s speech. There were times where I was confused with what tense the story was in as at some points it shifts from present to past and vice versa. The ending tied nicely with the title, wrapping up the story in a meaningful way.
Kat,
I love the misleading intro! Wonderful way to pull your reader into the story. Your humor and quick wit make your character super relatable, as well. I appreciate all the background and detail on dentistry too, I wouldn’t have known what was going on otherwise. The background on different patients helped move your story along, good job. Your characters feel very humanized and there is the perfect amount of even flow with good uses of dialogue.
Zak,
I love this exposition at the beginning that takes us immediately into the story. This was a very personal read, and it felt a bit cluttered at first but as it unfolded I started to understand more. I feel like you could have held off on telling your audience that his mother had left and instead alluded to it throughout the story, maybe given it an air of uncertainty before a full on realization or something of the sort. The dialogue and the relationship situation between the 12-year-old boys felt really natural, too. I feel like you could milk his longing for his mother more as well, it feels like you talk about her leaving but not its repercussions.
Kat, this is an endearing story about a young woman finding her career path through the relationships she builds with her dental clients. I love the description of the inside of a mouth at the bottom of page four and the top of five. Comparing it to a dark cellar is really interesting. Also, the dialogue for Jamie is so cute! Get details there. One question I have is where does the character’s drive for usefulness come from, and why does she consider some things to be useful and others not? For example, someone else in her position may think the initial dental work she did was useful. What in her life guides her perception of usefulness? One comment I have is that I think you could do a little bit more show not tell, especially in the intro and conclusion. I do feel that, in general, the conclusion could be more emotionally impactful. Overall, this is a fantastic story that flows really well!
Zak, this is a really great story. I like that you didn’t use the first person for it; it adds to the repression the boy is going through as if he can’t articulate his feelings and needs someone else to do so. You also did a really good job capturing the inner anxiety and paranoia of someone going through something they don’t want other people to know about. This does a fantastic job of capturing the emotions of someone in this situation. I think you could probably find a way to amp up the feelings you portray here, but overall it’s a fantastic story.