Elizabeth
I loved the mystery at the start and the slow unveiling you lead throughout the piece. I thought the all caps were a very nice touch and gave the character a lot of personality and helped add (and some drama)to her thoughts. I can tell he’s got an accent and I think it is so cool how you put it in. I think that making the conversation between Emma and Ben about her picture being taken could be in dialogue and maybe maybe a bit flirty like have him take a picture of her to start and then have her talk about how much she doesn’t like it being taken. I feel like Ben needs to have some kind of pull throughout the thing to what he got clean from, I think it would help build up the reason more on the surface as to why he relapsed the way he does.
Quinnly
I like the sudden bangs of emotion you bring into this story in the start in the middle and in the end, they hit and they hit hard. You start with the title and it makes the reader think about it as they read but it doesn’t fully hit until the end. I can’t even put into words how good this was. I felt like I was captivated by the story. I couldn’t get enough of it. I did have some questions though. Because I want to know more about why the mom takes the dads side. Does he abuse her too or is she conflicted? Does she agree with what he is doing? What is going on there? I do have a suggestion that might make it more in depth maybe add something about what the relationship between the son Sean and the dad is, maybe it’s different from the daughters, or similar which is adding to her motivation to stay.
Quinnly, this was an incredible piece. There are certain topics not many people choose to write about, and this is one of them. Even though this is a short fiction story, it can very much be a real experience kids go through not only in America, but around the world. You do a great job with the detail – but make sure to not go too in depth with the injuries Claire has. This is a choice you may – or may not have – intentionally made, but it helps strengthen your piece in my opinion. Going more in depth with what the injuries looked like or felt like would have been more of a distraction and unnecessary elements you don’t necessarily need. You could have taken a different route with this story, and focused only on her home life and how she delt with the situation internally. But instead, you chose to also talk about how her school friend is reacting to the situation Claire is in and how it affected her academics. The inclusion of the teacher also worked well with the storyline. He is ultimately the one who called CPS about Claire which ended up making the situation even worse. Unfortunately, as hard as it may be, teachers are required to report issues like this which will hinder the rest of the child’s life. You have a minimal amount of characters and do not overwhelm the readers with trying to juggle a ton of different external factors and how they affect Claire. On p. 8, para. 5, you describe the younger sibling Sean being visibly upset, describing his chin wobbling, insinuating he is about to cry. I love the small description of this, and how you used it throughout the story in different sections. This is a tough topic to talk about, but I think you executed it very well.
My story:
There are some questions I have for the rest of the class about my story. I tried to talk about a ton of different elements in a limited amount of pages and am wondering if I executed it well enough. I personally felt that if I left any parts out, it would seem like there were voids in my writing and would not give all of the background information readers need to understand the whole situation. Question 1) Do you think that I added too much detail, and can you give specific examples of parts that I can remove completely? Question 2) Did the ending seem too sudden? I was thinking of leaving the story on a cliffhanger which is what I tried doing with the ending. Was it natural? Too sudden? Question 3) Did you like the characters I used and how I depicted them? Did the dialogue seem to fit their personalities?
I absolutely loved this story! Right from the start I was intrigued by what was going to happen. I really loved the end of page two when you wrote “When I turned to look at him, I recognized him immediately. It was the kid everyone knew. The kid who was in detention every day and thought he was better than everyone else. The kid who switched high schools because he got expelled from his old one. The kid who had like a million different girls texting him at once, wanting to be his girlfriend because he was the “hottest guy in school”. The one I wanted nothing to do with. Of course it had to be him.” I really think it is so accurate the fact she knows exactly who he is without ever really talking to him. It reminds me of the popular boy in highschool who you know everything about, but he doesn’t know everything about you. “– in fear of the popular girls
making fun of me, making it a point to say, “Look at you. You don’t have a chance with Ben,” this line shows the epitome of a teenage girl’s mind when something has to do with boys and I love that. The accent you added to Ben I think was perfect and added such an element to the story. By page 7 you had me smiling at my screen with the line “Not sure why you don’t want your picture taken. You’re awfully pretty.” The beginning of your story reminded me of a young adult romance novel and I absolutely loved that. You created such a great character with Emma after just a few pages. I could see how strong but how nice she was and I really enjoyed that. Overall this was such a great story even though it had a sad ending I think it was perfect it added more emotion to the story which I loved.
My story
One of the questions I had was that if the pacing worked? Even though it is a short story I wasn’t sure if I moved too fast with it and if It made sense. Another one I had was If I should have added more detail into Claire’s life at home, I tried to have the main settings be at school and home but I wasn’t sure if the parts at home had enough detail into what she was going through. The last question I have is if the ending worked, like if it should have happened sooner or just have it as it is.
Your story is about a young teenager living with an abusive father. She considers herself a loner as she only has one friend, Wes who tries to support her in her hard times. She doesn’t mind feeling invisible as it helps her hide into obscurity and it does not reveal her secrets. Even though Claire is saying this, I can feel deep down that she wants people to notice and to be cared for. Her hopes and dreams toward the end of the story share that she wishes to experience a happy and loving household. I like the tension we have between Claire and her decision to stay just for her little brother. It shows the sacrifice she is making and how much it is weighing on her. I do wonder, who is Jules? “But
before I am able to grab my bag and follow Jules out of the room…” We then see Jules waiting for her outside the class as well, but then we see Wes as well? I am confused here.
I believe you can create better tension and suspense with the poem that Claire had written. Instead of the poem being for a class assignment, I think it would be more realistic if she had written it during her own time and accidentally misplaced it. This is how Mr. Evans finds her poem.
Hey Elizabeth,
I found your story interesting. It was about Emma, a high school senior who tutors the IT boy with a troubled past and they fall in love. We start with a cliffhanger and it ends with the same cliffhanger. Your story was very well written. I really liked this line, “I was too nervous to turn around because I knew who it was. Him. Well I didn’t know who him was yet, but I did soon enough.” I would have loved to see some internal struggles of Ben and his drug addiction. Maybe you could incorporate throughout the story where Ben is acting suspicious while together with Emma, but she brushes it off because she is blinded by love. I am a little confused by Emma in the beginning. I understand that she is a smart girl who finds it hard to make friends that do not see her past her intelligence. She says she does not want to help ‘tutor’ students, but she asked to be a teacher’s aide? Doesn’t that essentially require to tutor them somewhat? I really liked the plot but I do wish the ending was not so abrupt.
Quinley:
Quinley, this story was a really intimate exploration of a sensitive topic that I believe should be talked about more, especially today. It was a deep first person view of a teenage girl struggling with parental abuse, neglect, and isolation. It had a lot to say about familial relationships, and the erasure that older siblings can feel when asked to stay strong for their younger siblings. I really liked how you wrote the little brother in this story. As someone with a little brother who is much younger than me, his character was really interesting to read for me. The way he talked was very accurate to me. The way he just walked into tense situations without quite fully realizing what was going was a really interesting depiction that kept me engaged with the story. My one question for you with this story is, does the ending fit with the rest of the story? This story has such a serious topic, the almost happy ending where she simply leaves felt almost unrealistic to the situation. It was a nice ending, but it almost pulled me out of the story with how upbeat it was. Perhaps if you added a trusted adult like a grandparent? Or had the mother experience some growth? I’m unsure of where I would take it, but I felt that the ending could be workshopped. I was also left concerned for the little brother, because I felt like he had been left in danger. Does the father abuse him too? Does gender come into play with the brother being treated better? Age perhaps? I really want to see where you take this story, as I think it’s an important one to tell. Good work.
Elizabeth:
Elizabeth, this story was a very interesting take on the good girl bad guy trope, and was a powerful meditation on juvenile drug use. I liked how your girl was far more fleshed out than your stereotypical good girl. She was allowed to be intelligent. She didn’t have to hide her skills or pretend to dumb which made me happy to see. Throughout the story we see her as a fleshed out character. Also she didn’t use stereotypical good girl language which I thought added another interesting dimension to the character. I also liked the relationship between the two main characters. People do meet people they like, and there doesn’t have to be a reason for it necessarily. I also liked how, though she had low self esteem towards the beginning, when the guy said he liked her, she could see it through his eyes and accepted it. I also liked how you really established the time in this piece. The fact that they got to know each other for so long really made it easier to accept that he was the love of her life. My question for you is with the setting. Where are we? You say that Ben’s parents are professors in CA, but Ben himself talks with a dialect I had a hard time pinning down, which made me question where in the country we were. In a way it made it feel like any suburbia I’ve been to, which could make it more relatable, but I think at least Ben should have some explanation of where he comes from, so we can understand his dialect a little more.
Quinnly
This is a story about a girl in a broken home with an abusive father. I like the dialogue used here, I felt that it flowed nicely and moved the plot along. Seeing that Claire likes to blend into the background at school, I think it would be more interesting if she had written this poem on her own instead of for an assignment. She seems to like the invisibility, and it appears counterintuitive for her to give herself away like this, unless it was truly a cry for help knowing that teachers are mandated reporters. Maybe if Mr. Evans finds it on his own by accident or in the trash, or maybe Wes gives it to him, I am not sure, but objective-wise this might make more sense for Claire. One question I had was how long has Claire known Wes? Did they meet in high school or are they long-time friends? This was a heavy topic that I think you were able to portray well, it is a sad reality of many students and it felt more real with Sean as a reason she wanted to stay.
Elizabeth
A girl set in her desires to be done with high school finds new enjoyment in a guy she is asked to tutor. I liked how the narrator didn’t want to come off as “too nerdy” to Ben initially. I would maybe like to see some more conflicting feelings happening in Emma’s head before fully realizing she likes this guy just because their relationship felt a little fast, and that uncertainty phase would be interesting to see more of! Especially since Emma seems so sure of herself and her future, that maybe Ben is making her question how she has lived her life up until this point. I am also curious if the teacher ever noticed their relationship growing. I don’t feel like the ending was rushed, it felt like a natural progression into getting to prom by the end of the semester. I do wonder about Ben’s relapse here even though I don’t think I need an answer to it. Overall, in such a short time I felt like this story was well fleshed out and so were the characters.
Something I really enjoyed about Elizabeth’s story was the feeling of impending doom. The story was so sweet, and watching the characters fall in love was beautiful. However, one piece of dialogue left the reader with a pit in their stomach. The main character begged Ben to stay with her. Because of this, the reader felt a sense of dread and excitement when Ben was introduced. Elizabeth nailed the attitude of a nerdy overachiever, and how withdrawn they would be at first with someone so popular. I was totally invested in their love story, almost to the point that I forgot what would happen. When Ben collapses and the story ends, it gives us no indication of whether he ends up okay or not. (Personally, I’m praying he survived and went back to rehab.) Because of this it has the reader, much like me, hoping for the ending they want after the story ends. With no confirmation it makes the story feel almost haunting, leaving the reader thinking about it. The only suggestion I would have been to break up the first dialogue from the rest of the story, just so the reader can tell it’s a flash forward. This makes it a bit less confusing to read.
Quinnly’s story really encapsulates the pain of an abusive parent. You can tell at this point that Claire doesn’t have any love left for her father, that that left a long time ago, and that all she really cares about anymore is her brother. Showing how the mother is complicit in the abuse really represents lots of toxic households. Her mother might feel remorse or regret, but in the end, she doesn’t stand up for her children. She stands with her abusive husband, which is a common pattern stemming from fear. Claire having two people in her life willing to advocate for her is really important to the story. A teacher who will notice what she’s going through, and Wes, who wants to protect her from her home life. Something about this story that I found surprising and very real is the ending. How despite her love for her brother, she chooses herself. And who can blame her? Knowing that she goes to see Wes gives the reader a sliver of hope that her brother will still be okay, knowing that Wes is a caring person, that CPS has already called. My only recommendation would be to add more to the ending. Maybe describe the struggle Claire has with her decision, how much it hurts. Otherwise, I loved it.
Elizabeth
A lovely little love story. Really refreshing. I like how you set this transformative story at the end of highschool. I seem to remember myself and my peers changing and growing a lot in those few months before I graduated. I think my biggest question/suggestion for you would be to explore extending the timeline a bit. I don’t mean making the story longer, but exploring the will they won’t they of the relationship a little more. I think this would also give you the opportunity to maybe foreshadow your ending a little perhaps to draw out some suspense. Fun story!
Quinnly
This was a tense little piece. But not in a bad way. I think you did a really good job of illustrating an impossible situation and the struggle between loving others and still needing to do some things for yourself. I find myself wishing for something from this story that is hard to explain. I suppose I want something at the end, something small. Just some glimmer of hope or shadow of a way through. A hint that in the end things really might turn out alright. I think it could also possibly benefit your story really well to open it with a really happy moment between the narrator and her brother. To lure the reader into the sense of a happy family. Then as the fathers dark nature is revealed it will hit that much harder.
Elizabeth,
I really like this love story. It starts off very sweet and ends (potentially) with tragedy. I like how you characterized your main character, Emma. I especially like that you didn’t choose to use the “I have to dumb myself down for this boy” element in this story that we see so much of, and you instead offered a love interest character who could match Emma’s intelligence, and who she didn’t have to settle for. I like the detail that you give when describing scenes, but I do wish that some of them were a little longer, or maybe that you could have added a little bit more about their blossoming relationship. Although I don’t think that moving quickly through it is a bad thing, as it speaks to the nature of high school relationships in my opinion.
Quinnly,
This story hits hard, and I really like that the main character chose to protect herself in the end. One thing that stuck out to me though is how long it took the teacher to report the abuse—since teachers are mandated reporters, Mr. Evans would have been in a lot of trouble if he had told anybody that he’d noticed black eyes and bruises throughout the semester without saying anything up until this point. Maybe it could be that Claire usually covers them with makeup (or clothing, etc.) but this day she forgot or didn’t have time to, or something similar to that. Other than that, I like that you showcased her inner struggle, as well as her anger with her mother, who is also trapped in this cycle abuse but won’t stand up for her kids out of fear. This is a really powerful element of this story that makes Claire’s home life that much more turbulent and creates a lot of resentment within her.
“What about me?”
It is about a high school girl who struggles amidst a family containing an abusive dad, a wishy-washy mother, and a young kindergarten aged boy. The girl tries to make due with the household situation so that the boy does not feel alone, although in the end she has to leave because her English teacher reported her dad. Throughout the story, she is comforted by a friend named Wes, who in a way provides hope for her future.
I like the title and how it truly captures the main essence of the story, not only through what is stated but through what is implied during its course. It underscores her hope and the hope of her brother that she will eventually find love and companionship.
Questions: What is the main idea of the story? I feel empathy for the character throughout its course, but fail to see how the character grows throughout the novel.
It appears that the sequence of events, rather than the character, evolves throughout the story. It would be interesting if a section were added in the end about how her family situation influenced her as well as her outlook on life in the future.
“It had to be him”
The story is about a girl who is a high school senior and a self described nerd. Through agreeing to tutor a student, she ends up falling in love with him. This helps her to engage in aspects of life outside of academics, and in some ways broadens her horizons. It is also a story of tragedy, as Ben passes out at the end and it is unclear whether he will live and whether she will continue to live a life outside of school.
I like how the character gradually grows throughout the story as she interacts with Ben and experiences more of a traditional high school life outside of school. I also like how Ben is given a distinct accent that is a little rough and makes him sound like someone of his past circumstances. I also like how Ben is portrayed as a multi-dimensional character in spite of his background.
Questions: What was the intent of inserting the last line of the story in the beginning? Also, is the school a prep school? The semester system aspect makes it sound like it is.
The end could be more of a climax; yes, Emma grows throughout the story, but how does that final scene with Ben passed out impact her in the long run?
I enjoyed your piece! You did a great job capturing the emotional weight of Claire’s struggles and making her internal conflict feel real and relatable. The narrative voice feels authentic, especially in moments of vulnerability, such as Claire reflecting on her home life and her relationship with her brother Sean. I liked how you depicted Wes as a supportive character and used his interactions with Claire to add a sense of hope and connection amidst the darkness. The dynamic between Claire and her family is tense, and you portrayed the toxic environment clearly and heartbreakingly. Claire’s protective feelings toward Sean and her torn emotions about staying for him stood out and added depth to her character.
A few suggestions for you: Some dialogue could benefit from more varied tags or punctuation adjustments. For instance, “Bye” I say to my dad could be written as “Bye,” I say to my dad, to help with the flow. Also, make sure to stay consistent with punctuation around dialogue throughout the piece. While you’ve already given insight into Claire’s emotional state, there’s an opportunity to go even deeper into her thoughts. When she talks about wanting a different life or her longing for a better future, you could expand on those moments to contrast them more starkly with the painful present. This would heighten the impact of her daydreams and make her reality feel even more devastating. Wes and Mr. Evans are essential characters, but expanding on their backgrounds or motivations would strengthen their roles. For instance, why do we care so much about Claire? A little more context about how their friendship developed could make his concern more impactful. Maybe Mr. Evans tries to find a resolution with Claire regarding what she can do to keep her brother. There also seems to be some confusion with the characters; who is Jules? Did you forget to go back and edit the name, or is there another character? Try proofreading your story again; that may help you find small mistakes. Also, try to avoid repeating certain words or phrases, like the black eye, without adding new layers of meaning. Each time you mention it, consider revealing something new, whether about Claire’s thoughts, how others react, or how it affects her. There are multiple scenes where you have repetitive details, like when she opens her locker, and someone leans against the locker next to her, and she looks up to see Wes; you restate that he is leaning against the locker, include a new detail, like how he eyes are brown or how his face goes from casual to shocked as he notices her eye. As we’ve discussed in class, every sentence is important so with every sentence, you need to include new details to help the reader really visualize what you’re writing about in as few words as possible.
Elizabeth:
You did a really great job creating a realistic and heartfelt connection between the characters, and I found myself really invested in Emma and Ben’s relationship. The story touches on themes of young love, ambition, and the consequences of bad decisions, which are relatable and powerful. The emotional depth between Emma and Ben is one of the story’s highlights. You’ve made their bond feel genuine, and the way Emma starts off as shy and hesitant, then grows more comfortable with Ben is very well done. The little moments, like their ice cream dates and picnics, build up their relationship in a sweet and realistic way. I appreciate how you gave both Emma and Ben clear goals and dreams. Emma’s desire to go to law school and Ben’s wish to open a rehab center make them more dimensional, and their discussions about their future were really touching. It gave depth to their connection beyond the romantic angle. Your dialogue feels natural and authentic to their age and personality. Ben’s casual tone and Emma’s more thoughtful, reflective voice complement each other well. The way they open up to each other over time feels organic and adds to the story’s emotional stakes.
However, I feel like this may have been a better story for your second story draft. A lot is going on in just a few pages, and because there’s so much, you are forced to rush through things where you should be going into more detail. I think this would be a great storyline for a novel where you can go into more detail with every scene and really engage the reader. While the story is engaging, it’s a bit long for a short story, and the ending kind of just drops off; it’s clear there’s more that’s supposed to come after the ending. Since the purpose of a short story is to focus on a single moment or theme, if you decide to keep this a short story, you might want to condense some of the scenes. For instance, the tutoring sessions and multiple ice cream outings could be trimmed down or combined into one scene. This will help keep the pacing tighter and maintain focus on the central theme of their relationship and the eventual tragedy. The ending is intense, but it feels a bit sudden. I’d suggest adding more subtle hints that Ben might be struggling with his sobriety earlier in the story. Small details—like him becoming more distant or acting differently—could build up the tension and prepare the reader for the collapse. This way, the ending will feel like the natural culmination of underlying tension rather than an abrupt shock. The climax of Ben’s collapse is impactful, but the story could benefit from a more explicit resolution. While the shock of the collapse is gripping, providing a brief glimpse of what happens next might be helpful. This could be Emma’s immediate reaction—whether she’s in denial, in despair, or taking some kind of action. A firm resolution will help the reader feel a sense of closure, even if it is open-ended. One other thing is having the collapse at the beginning of the story; I don’t feel like this is very beneficial for your story because although you want to hook your reader, usually a flash forward like that encourages the reader to keep reading so they learn what is happening, why it’s happening, and what happens next. Where your story never comes to the resolution of what happens next, it essentially just spoils the cliffhanger for the reader at the end of the story. If you do decide to keep this hook at the beginning of the story, I recommend finding a good way to transition from the future back to present time because there may be some confusion for the reader going from the opening scene to a random day in the past, you may know that you are going back in time but unless you direct the reader in such way then they will not know, this could be as simple as a horizontal line, or stating that it was the night before graduation and in the following scene saying it was the beginning of senior year.
Elizabeth,
I found this story to be very interesting along with refreshing. I enjoyed how throughout the story you convey a feeling of something going terrible at some point. I think that setting the narrative during the transformative period at the end of high school was a great choice, as it captured the changes and growth that so many experience before graduation. I think you did a great job at exploring the contrast between the nerdy overachiever and someone whose popular and how these feelings would accurately look. As a whole I really enjoyed this story as it was a fun read, one small suggestion may be adding more suspense into whether or not the relationship will work or not.
Quinnly,
This story captures the tension and heartbreak of an impossible situation and as someone whose been through this situation before it really resonated with me. The struggle of loving another person but at the same time needing to care for yourself was depicted perfectly and I enjoyed that. The portrayal of Claire’s pain and her father’s abusive nature was incredibly powerful, as was the depiction of a mother who, out of fear, chooses to stand by her husband rather than protect her children. This dynamic reflects the tragic reality of many toxic households. What struck me most was the depth of Claire’s love for her brother. Her bond with him is the only thing that keeps her grounded, showing how she’s already lost any love for her father long ago. Having two people in her life who are willing to advocate for her—a teacher who sees her suffering and Wes, who wants to protect her—adds an essential layer of support to the narrative.
Right off the bat, your second paragraph on page 1 is one of the most relatable things I have ever read, especially the line that reads “I would get nervous around my peers, hoping they wouldn’t only talk to me for my homework grades- most of them did,”. Just reading that makes my heart hurt because that describes pretty much my entire social life. I really like how you start this story off so incredibly deep and that makes me as a reader immediately connected to your character and you as a writer. I also really like the line that leads into page 3 that reads “The kid who got detention every day and thought he was better then everyone else,”. You make Emma so relatable in terms of how she speaks her thoughts and about her peers, and you do a good job at making her seem like a very shallow but introverted individual. Emma seriously reminds me a lot of myself, and I think that is why I resonate with your story so much. For mem the strongest part of your story is when you give us a deeper look into who Ben is on pages 5 and 6. The way you make him more relatable by him opening up about himself and why he is the way he is not typical, but unique, especially with how he speaks to Emma. It is a reminder to never judge a book by its cover and I really appreciate that message from your story. I think the only suggestion I have would be on page 10, maybe make the first kissing scene a little more shocking to the character. Maybe have her say “oh my god” or even add an exclamation point after “kissed me”. I think it would add to Emma’s character traits that you have already pointed out and expertly conceptualized.
Quinnly
The plot of your story is so painful to read and extremely triggering in a way, but that is why I applaud you for it. You’re ability to make this situation sound and look so horrific in just 9 pages is second to none. When you make your audience so angry at a character, you know you did a really good job writing the character. There were so many times I wanted to jump through the screen and beat that abusive father up. You want that kind of reaction from your audience with a premise like this. One of my favorite lines from your story was on page 3 paragraph 2, after Claire wakes up from getting slapped by her father, which reads “She isn’t Claire, Claire is supposed to be strong and have it all together. The Claire I’m looking at is one I know all too well. The Claire that is scared, The Claire is a crier and not a shouter.”. This is so powerful and I love the usage of third person to really make Claire question herself. It really can show the reader just how distraught and traumatized Claire is at this point and shows this has been going on for so long. Oh my god, I am….speechless. I just- it’s an incredible story that has me thinking so many emotions. I empathize with Claire and Sean so much. I think my only suggestion would be that the middle seems a bit rushed to me, but other than that, it is amazing and I am beyond excited to see more.
Elizabeth, I like the premise of this story. I think that it does an excellent job of capturing what it is like being a teenage girl with a crush. I also really like the introduction and conclusion bookending eachother. One moment that did a really good job of showing not telling, was on page 11 when you wrote: “I picked out some fruit, cheese, and crackers – which
were the more logical options – while he picked out a beef stick and a Red bull. Men. So boring.” (Bull should be capitalized here though). One question I have is where Ben picked up the diction you use for him, considering the rest of his provided background. For example, if he had been raised by two professors and had done well in middle school, could he have really picked up that speech pattern in three years? One critique I have is in reference to the bottom of page five and the top of six. I have never met anyone, especially the type of guy you describe in this story, to open up so much so quickly. Even if someone does share that type of information, it’s rarely a full list of their entire personal life with information they’ve never told anyone before. The quote felt like a way to provide the reader with background on Ben, but in my opinion, it just has way too much information at once and threw me out of the story.
Quinnly, this story is really great. I’m going to overshare a touch here and say that I moved out of my house when I was 16, leaving behind a younger sibling. It’s not easy. You captured that emotion in a really powerful way. The relationship you build with the younger sibling, including appreciating his innocence, feeling protective and angry for him, and mothering him, is all super impactful. You also have some really great lines in this story; I had to stop and reread these: “I can’t help but look inside the houses, actually not houses, homes” (page five) and “Be a yeller, not a crier, I remind myself” (page seven). One critique I have is that I want the relationships with Wes and the younger sibling to be fleshed out a little more. I also feel like the conclusion, where you run to Wes, is a bit of a cop-out, in my opinion. I feel like ending with “What about me” would be a lot stronger. Again, though, that’s just my opinion.
14 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 12”
Elizabeth
I loved the mystery at the start and the slow unveiling you lead throughout the piece. I thought the all caps were a very nice touch and gave the character a lot of personality and helped add (and some drama)to her thoughts. I can tell he’s got an accent and I think it is so cool how you put it in. I think that making the conversation between Emma and Ben about her picture being taken could be in dialogue and maybe maybe a bit flirty like have him take a picture of her to start and then have her talk about how much she doesn’t like it being taken. I feel like Ben needs to have some kind of pull throughout the thing to what he got clean from, I think it would help build up the reason more on the surface as to why he relapsed the way he does.
Quinnly
I like the sudden bangs of emotion you bring into this story in the start in the middle and in the end, they hit and they hit hard. You start with the title and it makes the reader think about it as they read but it doesn’t fully hit until the end. I can’t even put into words how good this was. I felt like I was captivated by the story. I couldn’t get enough of it. I did have some questions though. Because I want to know more about why the mom takes the dads side. Does he abuse her too or is she conflicted? Does she agree with what he is doing? What is going on there? I do have a suggestion that might make it more in depth maybe add something about what the relationship between the son Sean and the dad is, maybe it’s different from the daughters, or similar which is adding to her motivation to stay.
Quinnly:
Quinnly, this was an incredible piece. There are certain topics not many people choose to write about, and this is one of them. Even though this is a short fiction story, it can very much be a real experience kids go through not only in America, but around the world. You do a great job with the detail – but make sure to not go too in depth with the injuries Claire has. This is a choice you may – or may not have – intentionally made, but it helps strengthen your piece in my opinion. Going more in depth with what the injuries looked like or felt like would have been more of a distraction and unnecessary elements you don’t necessarily need. You could have taken a different route with this story, and focused only on her home life and how she delt with the situation internally. But instead, you chose to also talk about how her school friend is reacting to the situation Claire is in and how it affected her academics. The inclusion of the teacher also worked well with the storyline. He is ultimately the one who called CPS about Claire which ended up making the situation even worse. Unfortunately, as hard as it may be, teachers are required to report issues like this which will hinder the rest of the child’s life. You have a minimal amount of characters and do not overwhelm the readers with trying to juggle a ton of different external factors and how they affect Claire. On p. 8, para. 5, you describe the younger sibling Sean being visibly upset, describing his chin wobbling, insinuating he is about to cry. I love the small description of this, and how you used it throughout the story in different sections. This is a tough topic to talk about, but I think you executed it very well.
My story:
There are some questions I have for the rest of the class about my story. I tried to talk about a ton of different elements in a limited amount of pages and am wondering if I executed it well enough. I personally felt that if I left any parts out, it would seem like there were voids in my writing and would not give all of the background information readers need to understand the whole situation. Question 1) Do you think that I added too much detail, and can you give specific examples of parts that I can remove completely? Question 2) Did the ending seem too sudden? I was thinking of leaving the story on a cliffhanger which is what I tried doing with the ending. Was it natural? Too sudden? Question 3) Did you like the characters I used and how I depicted them? Did the dialogue seem to fit their personalities?
Elizabeth:
I absolutely loved this story! Right from the start I was intrigued by what was going to happen. I really loved the end of page two when you wrote “When I turned to look at him, I recognized him immediately. It was the kid everyone knew. The kid who was in detention every day and thought he was better than everyone else. The kid who switched high schools because he got expelled from his old one. The kid who had like a million different girls texting him at once, wanting to be his girlfriend because he was the “hottest guy in school”. The one I wanted nothing to do with. Of course it had to be him.” I really think it is so accurate the fact she knows exactly who he is without ever really talking to him. It reminds me of the popular boy in highschool who you know everything about, but he doesn’t know everything about you. “– in fear of the popular girls
making fun of me, making it a point to say, “Look at you. You don’t have a chance with Ben,” this line shows the epitome of a teenage girl’s mind when something has to do with boys and I love that. The accent you added to Ben I think was perfect and added such an element to the story. By page 7 you had me smiling at my screen with the line “Not sure why you don’t want your picture taken. You’re awfully pretty.” The beginning of your story reminded me of a young adult romance novel and I absolutely loved that. You created such a great character with Emma after just a few pages. I could see how strong but how nice she was and I really enjoyed that. Overall this was such a great story even though it had a sad ending I think it was perfect it added more emotion to the story which I loved.
My story
One of the questions I had was that if the pacing worked? Even though it is a short story I wasn’t sure if I moved too fast with it and if It made sense. Another one I had was If I should have added more detail into Claire’s life at home, I tried to have the main settings be at school and home but I wasn’t sure if the parts at home had enough detail into what she was going through. The last question I have is if the ending worked, like if it should have happened sooner or just have it as it is.
Hey Quinnley!
Your story is about a young teenager living with an abusive father. She considers herself a loner as she only has one friend, Wes who tries to support her in her hard times. She doesn’t mind feeling invisible as it helps her hide into obscurity and it does not reveal her secrets. Even though Claire is saying this, I can feel deep down that she wants people to notice and to be cared for. Her hopes and dreams toward the end of the story share that she wishes to experience a happy and loving household. I like the tension we have between Claire and her decision to stay just for her little brother. It shows the sacrifice she is making and how much it is weighing on her. I do wonder, who is Jules? “But
before I am able to grab my bag and follow Jules out of the room…” We then see Jules waiting for her outside the class as well, but then we see Wes as well? I am confused here.
I believe you can create better tension and suspense with the poem that Claire had written. Instead of the poem being for a class assignment, I think it would be more realistic if she had written it during her own time and accidentally misplaced it. This is how Mr. Evans finds her poem.
Hey Elizabeth,
I found your story interesting. It was about Emma, a high school senior who tutors the IT boy with a troubled past and they fall in love. We start with a cliffhanger and it ends with the same cliffhanger. Your story was very well written. I really liked this line, “I was too nervous to turn around because I knew who it was. Him. Well I didn’t know who him was yet, but I did soon enough.” I would have loved to see some internal struggles of Ben and his drug addiction. Maybe you could incorporate throughout the story where Ben is acting suspicious while together with Emma, but she brushes it off because she is blinded by love. I am a little confused by Emma in the beginning. I understand that she is a smart girl who finds it hard to make friends that do not see her past her intelligence. She says she does not want to help ‘tutor’ students, but she asked to be a teacher’s aide? Doesn’t that essentially require to tutor them somewhat? I really liked the plot but I do wish the ending was not so abrupt.
Quinley:
Quinley, this story was a really intimate exploration of a sensitive topic that I believe should be talked about more, especially today. It was a deep first person view of a teenage girl struggling with parental abuse, neglect, and isolation. It had a lot to say about familial relationships, and the erasure that older siblings can feel when asked to stay strong for their younger siblings. I really liked how you wrote the little brother in this story. As someone with a little brother who is much younger than me, his character was really interesting to read for me. The way he talked was very accurate to me. The way he just walked into tense situations without quite fully realizing what was going was a really interesting depiction that kept me engaged with the story. My one question for you with this story is, does the ending fit with the rest of the story? This story has such a serious topic, the almost happy ending where she simply leaves felt almost unrealistic to the situation. It was a nice ending, but it almost pulled me out of the story with how upbeat it was. Perhaps if you added a trusted adult like a grandparent? Or had the mother experience some growth? I’m unsure of where I would take it, but I felt that the ending could be workshopped. I was also left concerned for the little brother, because I felt like he had been left in danger. Does the father abuse him too? Does gender come into play with the brother being treated better? Age perhaps? I really want to see where you take this story, as I think it’s an important one to tell. Good work.
Elizabeth:
Elizabeth, this story was a very interesting take on the good girl bad guy trope, and was a powerful meditation on juvenile drug use. I liked how your girl was far more fleshed out than your stereotypical good girl. She was allowed to be intelligent. She didn’t have to hide her skills or pretend to dumb which made me happy to see. Throughout the story we see her as a fleshed out character. Also she didn’t use stereotypical good girl language which I thought added another interesting dimension to the character. I also liked the relationship between the two main characters. People do meet people they like, and there doesn’t have to be a reason for it necessarily. I also liked how, though she had low self esteem towards the beginning, when the guy said he liked her, she could see it through his eyes and accepted it. I also liked how you really established the time in this piece. The fact that they got to know each other for so long really made it easier to accept that he was the love of her life. My question for you is with the setting. Where are we? You say that Ben’s parents are professors in CA, but Ben himself talks with a dialect I had a hard time pinning down, which made me question where in the country we were. In a way it made it feel like any suburbia I’ve been to, which could make it more relatable, but I think at least Ben should have some explanation of where he comes from, so we can understand his dialect a little more.
Quinnly
This is a story about a girl in a broken home with an abusive father. I like the dialogue used here, I felt that it flowed nicely and moved the plot along. Seeing that Claire likes to blend into the background at school, I think it would be more interesting if she had written this poem on her own instead of for an assignment. She seems to like the invisibility, and it appears counterintuitive for her to give herself away like this, unless it was truly a cry for help knowing that teachers are mandated reporters. Maybe if Mr. Evans finds it on his own by accident or in the trash, or maybe Wes gives it to him, I am not sure, but objective-wise this might make more sense for Claire. One question I had was how long has Claire known Wes? Did they meet in high school or are they long-time friends? This was a heavy topic that I think you were able to portray well, it is a sad reality of many students and it felt more real with Sean as a reason she wanted to stay.
Elizabeth
A girl set in her desires to be done with high school finds new enjoyment in a guy she is asked to tutor. I liked how the narrator didn’t want to come off as “too nerdy” to Ben initially. I would maybe like to see some more conflicting feelings happening in Emma’s head before fully realizing she likes this guy just because their relationship felt a little fast, and that uncertainty phase would be interesting to see more of! Especially since Emma seems so sure of herself and her future, that maybe Ben is making her question how she has lived her life up until this point. I am also curious if the teacher ever noticed their relationship growing. I don’t feel like the ending was rushed, it felt like a natural progression into getting to prom by the end of the semester. I do wonder about Ben’s relapse here even though I don’t think I need an answer to it. Overall, in such a short time I felt like this story was well fleshed out and so were the characters.
Something I really enjoyed about Elizabeth’s story was the feeling of impending doom. The story was so sweet, and watching the characters fall in love was beautiful. However, one piece of dialogue left the reader with a pit in their stomach. The main character begged Ben to stay with her. Because of this, the reader felt a sense of dread and excitement when Ben was introduced. Elizabeth nailed the attitude of a nerdy overachiever, and how withdrawn they would be at first with someone so popular. I was totally invested in their love story, almost to the point that I forgot what would happen. When Ben collapses and the story ends, it gives us no indication of whether he ends up okay or not. (Personally, I’m praying he survived and went back to rehab.) Because of this it has the reader, much like me, hoping for the ending they want after the story ends. With no confirmation it makes the story feel almost haunting, leaving the reader thinking about it. The only suggestion I would have been to break up the first dialogue from the rest of the story, just so the reader can tell it’s a flash forward. This makes it a bit less confusing to read.
Quinnly’s story really encapsulates the pain of an abusive parent. You can tell at this point that Claire doesn’t have any love left for her father, that that left a long time ago, and that all she really cares about anymore is her brother. Showing how the mother is complicit in the abuse really represents lots of toxic households. Her mother might feel remorse or regret, but in the end, she doesn’t stand up for her children. She stands with her abusive husband, which is a common pattern stemming from fear. Claire having two people in her life willing to advocate for her is really important to the story. A teacher who will notice what she’s going through, and Wes, who wants to protect her from her home life. Something about this story that I found surprising and very real is the ending. How despite her love for her brother, she chooses herself. And who can blame her? Knowing that she goes to see Wes gives the reader a sliver of hope that her brother will still be okay, knowing that Wes is a caring person, that CPS has already called. My only recommendation would be to add more to the ending. Maybe describe the struggle Claire has with her decision, how much it hurts. Otherwise, I loved it.
Journal #12
Elizabeth
A lovely little love story. Really refreshing. I like how you set this transformative story at the end of highschool. I seem to remember myself and my peers changing and growing a lot in those few months before I graduated. I think my biggest question/suggestion for you would be to explore extending the timeline a bit. I don’t mean making the story longer, but exploring the will they won’t they of the relationship a little more. I think this would also give you the opportunity to maybe foreshadow your ending a little perhaps to draw out some suspense. Fun story!
Quinnly
This was a tense little piece. But not in a bad way. I think you did a really good job of illustrating an impossible situation and the struggle between loving others and still needing to do some things for yourself. I find myself wishing for something from this story that is hard to explain. I suppose I want something at the end, something small. Just some glimmer of hope or shadow of a way through. A hint that in the end things really might turn out alright. I think it could also possibly benefit your story really well to open it with a really happy moment between the narrator and her brother. To lure the reader into the sense of a happy family. Then as the fathers dark nature is revealed it will hit that much harder.
Elizabeth,
I really like this love story. It starts off very sweet and ends (potentially) with tragedy. I like how you characterized your main character, Emma. I especially like that you didn’t choose to use the “I have to dumb myself down for this boy” element in this story that we see so much of, and you instead offered a love interest character who could match Emma’s intelligence, and who she didn’t have to settle for. I like the detail that you give when describing scenes, but I do wish that some of them were a little longer, or maybe that you could have added a little bit more about their blossoming relationship. Although I don’t think that moving quickly through it is a bad thing, as it speaks to the nature of high school relationships in my opinion.
Quinnly,
This story hits hard, and I really like that the main character chose to protect herself in the end. One thing that stuck out to me though is how long it took the teacher to report the abuse—since teachers are mandated reporters, Mr. Evans would have been in a lot of trouble if he had told anybody that he’d noticed black eyes and bruises throughout the semester without saying anything up until this point. Maybe it could be that Claire usually covers them with makeup (or clothing, etc.) but this day she forgot or didn’t have time to, or something similar to that. Other than that, I like that you showcased her inner struggle, as well as her anger with her mother, who is also trapped in this cycle abuse but won’t stand up for her kids out of fear. This is a really powerful element of this story that makes Claire’s home life that much more turbulent and creates a lot of resentment within her.
“What about me?”
It is about a high school girl who struggles amidst a family containing an abusive dad, a wishy-washy mother, and a young kindergarten aged boy. The girl tries to make due with the household situation so that the boy does not feel alone, although in the end she has to leave because her English teacher reported her dad. Throughout the story, she is comforted by a friend named Wes, who in a way provides hope for her future.
I like the title and how it truly captures the main essence of the story, not only through what is stated but through what is implied during its course. It underscores her hope and the hope of her brother that she will eventually find love and companionship.
Questions: What is the main idea of the story? I feel empathy for the character throughout its course, but fail to see how the character grows throughout the novel.
It appears that the sequence of events, rather than the character, evolves throughout the story. It would be interesting if a section were added in the end about how her family situation influenced her as well as her outlook on life in the future.
“It had to be him”
The story is about a girl who is a high school senior and a self described nerd. Through agreeing to tutor a student, she ends up falling in love with him. This helps her to engage in aspects of life outside of academics, and in some ways broadens her horizons. It is also a story of tragedy, as Ben passes out at the end and it is unclear whether he will live and whether she will continue to live a life outside of school.
I like how the character gradually grows throughout the story as she interacts with Ben and experiences more of a traditional high school life outside of school. I also like how Ben is given a distinct accent that is a little rough and makes him sound like someone of his past circumstances. I also like how Ben is portrayed as a multi-dimensional character in spite of his background.
Questions: What was the intent of inserting the last line of the story in the beginning? Also, is the school a prep school? The semester system aspect makes it sound like it is.
The end could be more of a climax; yes, Emma grows throughout the story, but how does that final scene with Ben passed out impact her in the long run?
Quinnly:
I enjoyed your piece! You did a great job capturing the emotional weight of Claire’s struggles and making her internal conflict feel real and relatable. The narrative voice feels authentic, especially in moments of vulnerability, such as Claire reflecting on her home life and her relationship with her brother Sean. I liked how you depicted Wes as a supportive character and used his interactions with Claire to add a sense of hope and connection amidst the darkness. The dynamic between Claire and her family is tense, and you portrayed the toxic environment clearly and heartbreakingly. Claire’s protective feelings toward Sean and her torn emotions about staying for him stood out and added depth to her character.
A few suggestions for you: Some dialogue could benefit from more varied tags or punctuation adjustments. For instance, “Bye” I say to my dad could be written as “Bye,” I say to my dad, to help with the flow. Also, make sure to stay consistent with punctuation around dialogue throughout the piece. While you’ve already given insight into Claire’s emotional state, there’s an opportunity to go even deeper into her thoughts. When she talks about wanting a different life or her longing for a better future, you could expand on those moments to contrast them more starkly with the painful present. This would heighten the impact of her daydreams and make her reality feel even more devastating. Wes and Mr. Evans are essential characters, but expanding on their backgrounds or motivations would strengthen their roles. For instance, why do we care so much about Claire? A little more context about how their friendship developed could make his concern more impactful. Maybe Mr. Evans tries to find a resolution with Claire regarding what she can do to keep her brother. There also seems to be some confusion with the characters; who is Jules? Did you forget to go back and edit the name, or is there another character? Try proofreading your story again; that may help you find small mistakes. Also, try to avoid repeating certain words or phrases, like the black eye, without adding new layers of meaning. Each time you mention it, consider revealing something new, whether about Claire’s thoughts, how others react, or how it affects her. There are multiple scenes where you have repetitive details, like when she opens her locker, and someone leans against the locker next to her, and she looks up to see Wes; you restate that he is leaning against the locker, include a new detail, like how he eyes are brown or how his face goes from casual to shocked as he notices her eye. As we’ve discussed in class, every sentence is important so with every sentence, you need to include new details to help the reader really visualize what you’re writing about in as few words as possible.
Elizabeth:
You did a really great job creating a realistic and heartfelt connection between the characters, and I found myself really invested in Emma and Ben’s relationship. The story touches on themes of young love, ambition, and the consequences of bad decisions, which are relatable and powerful. The emotional depth between Emma and Ben is one of the story’s highlights. You’ve made their bond feel genuine, and the way Emma starts off as shy and hesitant, then grows more comfortable with Ben is very well done. The little moments, like their ice cream dates and picnics, build up their relationship in a sweet and realistic way. I appreciate how you gave both Emma and Ben clear goals and dreams. Emma’s desire to go to law school and Ben’s wish to open a rehab center make them more dimensional, and their discussions about their future were really touching. It gave depth to their connection beyond the romantic angle. Your dialogue feels natural and authentic to their age and personality. Ben’s casual tone and Emma’s more thoughtful, reflective voice complement each other well. The way they open up to each other over time feels organic and adds to the story’s emotional stakes.
However, I feel like this may have been a better story for your second story draft. A lot is going on in just a few pages, and because there’s so much, you are forced to rush through things where you should be going into more detail. I think this would be a great storyline for a novel where you can go into more detail with every scene and really engage the reader. While the story is engaging, it’s a bit long for a short story, and the ending kind of just drops off; it’s clear there’s more that’s supposed to come after the ending. Since the purpose of a short story is to focus on a single moment or theme, if you decide to keep this a short story, you might want to condense some of the scenes. For instance, the tutoring sessions and multiple ice cream outings could be trimmed down or combined into one scene. This will help keep the pacing tighter and maintain focus on the central theme of their relationship and the eventual tragedy. The ending is intense, but it feels a bit sudden. I’d suggest adding more subtle hints that Ben might be struggling with his sobriety earlier in the story. Small details—like him becoming more distant or acting differently—could build up the tension and prepare the reader for the collapse. This way, the ending will feel like the natural culmination of underlying tension rather than an abrupt shock. The climax of Ben’s collapse is impactful, but the story could benefit from a more explicit resolution. While the shock of the collapse is gripping, providing a brief glimpse of what happens next might be helpful. This could be Emma’s immediate reaction—whether she’s in denial, in despair, or taking some kind of action. A firm resolution will help the reader feel a sense of closure, even if it is open-ended. One other thing is having the collapse at the beginning of the story; I don’t feel like this is very beneficial for your story because although you want to hook your reader, usually a flash forward like that encourages the reader to keep reading so they learn what is happening, why it’s happening, and what happens next. Where your story never comes to the resolution of what happens next, it essentially just spoils the cliffhanger for the reader at the end of the story. If you do decide to keep this hook at the beginning of the story, I recommend finding a good way to transition from the future back to present time because there may be some confusion for the reader going from the opening scene to a random day in the past, you may know that you are going back in time but unless you direct the reader in such way then they will not know, this could be as simple as a horizontal line, or stating that it was the night before graduation and in the following scene saying it was the beginning of senior year.
Elizabeth,
I found this story to be very interesting along with refreshing. I enjoyed how throughout the story you convey a feeling of something going terrible at some point. I think that setting the narrative during the transformative period at the end of high school was a great choice, as it captured the changes and growth that so many experience before graduation. I think you did a great job at exploring the contrast between the nerdy overachiever and someone whose popular and how these feelings would accurately look. As a whole I really enjoyed this story as it was a fun read, one small suggestion may be adding more suspense into whether or not the relationship will work or not.
Quinnly,
This story captures the tension and heartbreak of an impossible situation and as someone whose been through this situation before it really resonated with me. The struggle of loving another person but at the same time needing to care for yourself was depicted perfectly and I enjoyed that. The portrayal of Claire’s pain and her father’s abusive nature was incredibly powerful, as was the depiction of a mother who, out of fear, chooses to stand by her husband rather than protect her children. This dynamic reflects the tragic reality of many toxic households. What struck me most was the depth of Claire’s love for her brother. Her bond with him is the only thing that keeps her grounded, showing how she’s already lost any love for her father long ago. Having two people in her life who are willing to advocate for her—a teacher who sees her suffering and Wes, who wants to protect her—adds an essential layer of support to the narrative.
Elizabeth,
Right off the bat, your second paragraph on page 1 is one of the most relatable things I have ever read, especially the line that reads “I would get nervous around my peers, hoping they wouldn’t only talk to me for my homework grades- most of them did,”. Just reading that makes my heart hurt because that describes pretty much my entire social life. I really like how you start this story off so incredibly deep and that makes me as a reader immediately connected to your character and you as a writer. I also really like the line that leads into page 3 that reads “The kid who got detention every day and thought he was better then everyone else,”. You make Emma so relatable in terms of how she speaks her thoughts and about her peers, and you do a good job at making her seem like a very shallow but introverted individual. Emma seriously reminds me a lot of myself, and I think that is why I resonate with your story so much. For mem the strongest part of your story is when you give us a deeper look into who Ben is on pages 5 and 6. The way you make him more relatable by him opening up about himself and why he is the way he is not typical, but unique, especially with how he speaks to Emma. It is a reminder to never judge a book by its cover and I really appreciate that message from your story. I think the only suggestion I have would be on page 10, maybe make the first kissing scene a little more shocking to the character. Maybe have her say “oh my god” or even add an exclamation point after “kissed me”. I think it would add to Emma’s character traits that you have already pointed out and expertly conceptualized.
Quinnly
The plot of your story is so painful to read and extremely triggering in a way, but that is why I applaud you for it. You’re ability to make this situation sound and look so horrific in just 9 pages is second to none. When you make your audience so angry at a character, you know you did a really good job writing the character. There were so many times I wanted to jump through the screen and beat that abusive father up. You want that kind of reaction from your audience with a premise like this. One of my favorite lines from your story was on page 3 paragraph 2, after Claire wakes up from getting slapped by her father, which reads “She isn’t Claire, Claire is supposed to be strong and have it all together. The Claire I’m looking at is one I know all too well. The Claire that is scared, The Claire is a crier and not a shouter.”. This is so powerful and I love the usage of third person to really make Claire question herself. It really can show the reader just how distraught and traumatized Claire is at this point and shows this has been going on for so long. Oh my god, I am….speechless. I just- it’s an incredible story that has me thinking so many emotions. I empathize with Claire and Sean so much. I think my only suggestion would be that the middle seems a bit rushed to me, but other than that, it is amazing and I am beyond excited to see more.
Elizabeth, I like the premise of this story. I think that it does an excellent job of capturing what it is like being a teenage girl with a crush. I also really like the introduction and conclusion bookending eachother. One moment that did a really good job of showing not telling, was on page 11 when you wrote: “I picked out some fruit, cheese, and crackers – which
were the more logical options – while he picked out a beef stick and a Red bull. Men. So boring.” (Bull should be capitalized here though). One question I have is where Ben picked up the diction you use for him, considering the rest of his provided background. For example, if he had been raised by two professors and had done well in middle school, could he have really picked up that speech pattern in three years? One critique I have is in reference to the bottom of page five and the top of six. I have never met anyone, especially the type of guy you describe in this story, to open up so much so quickly. Even if someone does share that type of information, it’s rarely a full list of their entire personal life with information they’ve never told anyone before. The quote felt like a way to provide the reader with background on Ben, but in my opinion, it just has way too much information at once and threw me out of the story.
Quinnly, this story is really great. I’m going to overshare a touch here and say that I moved out of my house when I was 16, leaving behind a younger sibling. It’s not easy. You captured that emotion in a really powerful way. The relationship you build with the younger sibling, including appreciating his innocence, feeling protective and angry for him, and mothering him, is all super impactful. You also have some really great lines in this story; I had to stop and reread these: “I can’t help but look inside the houses, actually not houses, homes” (page five) and “Be a yeller, not a crier, I remind myself” (page seven). One critique I have is that I want the relationships with Wes and the younger sibling to be fleshed out a little more. I also feel like the conclusion, where you run to Wes, is a bit of a cop-out, in my opinion. I feel like ending with “What about me” would be a lot stronger. Again, though, that’s just my opinion.