Emily
I liked the build you had. The build of horror and the unknowing and the fear. It was very nicely done. I jumped a little bit and I was so scared for Natalie and the main character. But the suspense you captured I had to keep reading. I was invested in if the characters survive in that moment while being chased by Chase. You really build up Chase’s character very nicely and through the thoughts and actions of the two girls’ reactions to him. It helped make him into this creepy scary, power-hungry boy child with a knife. Your dialogue helped bring out a lot of the plot. I don’t feel like this story is over yet I feel like it’s got some loose ends that need to be tied up and one can stay loose though. Like how? Lied as in he was going to stab her or lied as in he said that and then stabbed her?
Grace
I really liked this story. It had just enough dialogue in it. To make you want more but make the plot move through the characters with the characters. They sounded like teenagers and what teenagers say to each other. Same with the mannerisms I felt like I was just wadding more and more into the story and the scene as I read more. It is very consistently zoomed in on two characters at a time. Maybe some world building around them. Describing the environment a bit more to add more to the scene. I want to see what the character sees around him besides just what is relevant to the plot on top of what the character feels and what the character sees as he feels. I think that your dialogue is on point and well balanced with the internal dialogue. Neither is out weighing each other in the context of the story. But some of the main character’s thoughts seem a bit vague which leaves at lot to the imagination, which is good but also like I need some specifics, like did whatever Blake says make the main character self conscious and insecure which could be why he is so mad at him and also just being offended by whatever he said.
Grace, I really like this story. The tension and highschool dynamic you have created feels spot on, in my opinion. I like the connection you make between sports and social lives in a school environment, and I do feel like you have some interesting commentary on that. My question is if that commentary was purposeful, and if not, what statement are you trying to make? Overall the story flows super nicely, the dialogue and inner monologue work, and it all feels super natural.
Emily:
“This is Not a Game” Is about a girl and her friend Natalie who learn about Native American culture and end up spending their summer days taking on the role of Native Amercians.
Emily, I really enjoyed this story! You captured the innocence of childhood while also adding on a bit of a dark twist that left me wanting more. Natalie was a character that reminded me of an old friend when I was little. The friend that is always happy, and always talking even if it’s at the wrong time, But you love them anyway. I think you having your main character being different in certain ways from Natalie worked so well. I liked that you described the character Chase in great detail, it gave me such a good visual of what he looked like, and had me knowing exactly the type of person he is. The ending of your story worked so well, it gave the reader such a mystery to what happened and I loved it.
Something I really would like to know is more about Chase’s background. We got a little bit of it when you mentioned his parents were divorced. But I would love to know more about what he would do that would bother your main character so much.
Grace:
Grace, I really like your story! You had a good representation of pressure to be this person who can do it all, be a part of sports while also managing school. I loved the quote “Why does it all fall on me,
huh? I should be able to leave without the whole team falling apart behind me!” I think this quote was such a great turning point in your main character’s life when realizing that it is ok for him to not want to be on the team because the team shouldn’t rely on one person. I think you showed that very well! A question I do have though is about the argument that is brought up at the reason why Eddy quit the team, I think it would be great to have more detail into what the argument was about. But overall your dialogue flowed really well, and it was a easy read and really enjoyable!
Grace
This story follows a boy in high school, going through a potentially future-altering conflict with a “friend”. I liked how firmly Ed decides he will no longer play soccer, even though it is seemingly his ticket into college, over a fight with Blake. I wonder how bad the fight could have been to make him quit this passion. It raises questions about quitting something you are passionate about, good at, or have been doing for a long time. What happens next? Where can you go from there? Ed is seemingly still figuring that out. I really like this indecision reflected in the intense feelings he experiences throughout the school day. I think focusing a bit more on the ending could help make a more satisfying conclusion, and allowing Ed, as a character, to figure it out for you would be helpful. I was thoroughly engaged, as this flowed nicely.
Emily
This is a story about two young girls who decidedly take pity on an insolent boy they are seemingly a little weary about. It portrays the trust of children and friendship. I enjoyed the innocence of the two girls, they still decide to allow this boy to play with them even if they dislike him. The imagery kept me engaged in the story, moving from scene to scene like a continuous film strip. I am curious how much older Chase is than the girls. It is implied that he is older but it is unclear by how much. One suggestion would be adding to Chase’s “weirdness” a bit more, since we don’t get much dialogue or action from him before he goes to the deer shed. Adding some more scenes where he talks could help display the girl’s uneasiness and Chase’s strangeness to build further tension.
“This Is Not a Game”
1: The story is about an innocent, young girl and her even more innocent friend acting like Native Americans in play. They attempt to engage in activities like eating berries, making dances, building teepees, and eventually, war. However, they fail to recognize the true context and significance of these endeavors to the Native American Culture. By the end, they no doubt have a greater understanding of the perils and consequences associated with war as they run in terror from a knife-wielding classmate.
2: I like the way that the story flows, as well as the realisticness of the children playing. I like how the main character is old enough to understand something, but is also young enough to make this incident a real learning experience that comes with some loss of innocence.
3: Questions: Is this novel retrospective? It sounds like it, meaning she must have survived capture from the knife-wielding boy.
4: Would it be realistic for a fifth grader to sacrifice herself for a friend? And what happens after the boy catches her? It would make the story feel more complete and transformative to elaborate on exactly how much innocence was lost and how the terror induced from the incident impacted her future.
“After It’s Dropped”
1: The story is about a highschool senior who plays soccer and quits his highschool team after getting into a fight with his former friend. His former friend and others in the soccer team attempt to cajole him back onto the team for the championships, because they fear they will lose without him. The main character is simultaneously going through the struggles of simply being a high school aged kid, adding to the stress induced by his teammates.
2: I like how Eduardo is a multi-dimensional character who is relatable and manages to stand up for himself in a way that is strong and truthful but also not unduly mean.
3: Questions: What led you to choose soccer instead of another sport for this story?
4: How does Eduardo react to a waste of three years of friendship? How does this affect his future relationships with other people? Could be elaborated on at the end of the story to make it appear more transformative.
Hey Emily
What a captivating story. I was deeply immersed in the metaphors and the Native culture you introduced. I felt as if I were with that trio, fooling around outside and running for my life from Chase. I did not see where this story was going and the suspenseful nature of it was truly successful. The foreshadowing in this story was amazing. The details of how he smelled like her dead hamster and then we see how he is a psycho kid that kills animals and that dark clumpy stuff in his hair was most likely dried animal blood. The place he pointed out where his family skinned deer was super ominous, and it was smart that Chase pointed it out, and that the girls did not ask about it. I would like to know the inexcusable behavior that Chase had that made these two girls want to stay away from him. They are filled with compassion for him because of his parents divorce but what was the thing that made them be like oh we need to watch our backs with him?How old is Chase? Is he their age? How was he able to catch up with them if he was described as being a fat kid?Since this is story is being recalled, is it safe to assume the girl is safe? Even though Chase lied by saying he is playing?
Hi Grace!
This is a story about a high school student named Ed that used to play on the school’s soccer team. His ex best friend said something that made him quit and now his ex-teammates are trying to get him to join back, especially Blake. I liked the tension between Eddy and Blake and how they were kind of glaring at each other during lunch. The confrontation between them left things in even more of a mess than it was before. I am super curious to see why or what the reason was that Eddy does not play soccer anymore. Why is he unable to focus in class and why is he a mess? Is it because he misses playing soccer? Is it because of a personal reason completely unrelated to soccer? I would have loved to see more background because I felt like many things were vague and that we are missing a very important piece of the story.
Grace:
This was a really interesting story. It explored highschool friendships, and the struggles they come with, from a male perspective. I liked your descriptions of sounds, for example on page one “As our teacher continues her lecture, she moves back and forth
between the board and her desk. Her heels make a clicking noise each time she
moves. The kid next to me… chews his gum loudly.” The description of the headache was really well done, I could really put myself in what Eduardo was feeling. I wanted to know more about the headaches, about the fight, about the backstory. I began to theorize reasons for Eduardo’s headache. Is it caused by stress? Is it genetic? Did he suffer a traumatic brain injury playing his sport? I also am really interested to see how you could expand on his relationship with Blake. They were friends for 3 years- were they best friends? Just part of the same friend group? How close were they? I don’t know that we need the full backstory on the fight, but I would love some parallels that tell us more about that situation. When Blake is staring in the cafeteria do his eyes remind Eduardo of how he looked during the fight? What about when Blake punches him? Has Blake done that before? Has Eduardo ever felt threatened? Or wanted to punch Blake himself? Overall great, and I would love to see some expansion on your characters!
Emily:
This is such an evocative and atmospheric story. I love how you gave us such a strong sense of setting. From the Native American man coming to the school, to the blueberry bushes, to the sugar maple trees, I really understood where we were and I could really see the characters in that place. The early autumn air and the leaves starting to change during those first few months of the school year, you never talk about it and yet I was transported there. I loved your vivid descriptions which showed us just how real all of this was to the characters, for example your description of the children imagining fire on page 3 “It was as if an unspoken pact had been forged, binding us to the elemental forces at play. We could feel the presence of the fire, an intangible entity that whispered ancient secrets to our souls. Its flickering light called to us, casting dancing shadows that stirred a primal longing within. We yearned to please the fire, to surrender ourselves to its rhythmic embrace.” I could remember playing the same sorts of games when I was the same age and how vivid they were to me then, so I thought that was something you captured really well. Also the way you carry your theme throughout the story with your use of imagery. The way you describe the teepee they built as “skeletal”, only to bring us into the boy’s family shed afterwards. Also on page 7 where the girl stops in terror which you describe by saying “I was a deer immobilized by the piercing glare of headlights; fear
rendered me motionless.” The comparison made between the main character and the deer in the shed is so impactful and well done, it really added to the atmospheric creepy feeling that the story gains after the first few pages. My only question is the voice of the main character feels slightly older at times than a typical fifth grader. She’s very articulate and mature, was this intentional? It’s almost like a ghost story, as if she’s looking back on these events. It doesn’t feel like she survives, does she?
Emily,
First of all, I love your descriptions. Especially of Chase, and especially the sentence “His stench was similar to that of my late hamster.” I really like his characterization as well—he genuinely does remind me of the mean older boy that lived across the street from me when I was small and the authenticity really pulls me in as a reader. The way that you build tension does a great job at propelling the story forward, and the narrator’s interpretation of the grass around her legs on page 7, fueled by her fear, does a good job of showing us that she feels like she can’t get away. Also, I feel that you really captured how little kids play very well, which is a super specific thing, but truly this kind of play is essential to childhood in my opinion and I’m glad that you were able to recall this because it made the story feel very natural. I’m wondering exactly how old Chase is, and also maybe if you could show us a few events that have shaped the girls’ opinion of him, even in one-off mentions of some of the other presumably weird things he’s done or said before.
Grace,
I think that your showcase of friendships and relationships, especially on sports teams and between boys, can be sort of turbulent and complicated, particularly when one party is more emotionally mature than the other. I wish there had been more explanation or reference as to what caused this falling out between Blake and Eduardo, and also something that would allow us to grasp the nature of their friendship before that event. Were they super close? Have they always had small issues and this was the last straw, or was this fight really so bad that Eduardo decided it was totally relationship-ruining? Your addition of Blake hitting Eduardo and then Eduardo not reciprocating the violence definitely goes to show that they are different people mentally and emotionally—but the inclusion of a panic attack (or at least what I interpreted to be one) also tells us that Eduardo is not lacking in meaningful emotion at all. I like that you put this in to show us his depth. This definitely has great potential but I feel like a lot of things in it are lacking explanation and I’d really love to know more about the backstory, I think it would pull the reader in a lot better.
I really loved reading Emily’s story. It was beautifully terrifying and helped establish a sense of fear for the reader. Much like the main character, we try to understand Chase based on how young he is and what he’s going through, but once he pulls out the hunting knife, it’s hard to justify his behavior. Emily captured that terror of being chased, especially with no rescue insight. She did a good job of writing children, how they speak, how they play, how they behave. There’s also a bit of a parallel between Chase and our main character. It is alluded to that her parents are also divorced; however, she hasn’t become violent like Chase has. Natalie’s character is also likeable and realistic. Despite not liking or trusting Chase, she takes the chance to explain what game they’re playing to him excitedly, much like a child would. I really enjoyed the open-ended conclusion, how the reader doesn’t know what happens after Chase catches the main character. I think winding up the reader with suspense and terror and then leaving them wondering really adds to the tone of the story. The only note I have is to establish more suspense and terror in the beginning. Maybe make Chase a bit more unsettling, have the girls more scared when he disappears.
Emily, wow! This was an incredible piece that took an unexpected turn. You tell the story of some schoolchildren who are imitating a Native American lifestyle, and playing in ways that represent the culture. This is when a neighborhood boy named Chase started to join in. At first, they felt bad for him, but he soon told the girls- rather than asked – that he was joining their tribe. Your insinuations about Chase were attention grabbing, and made it seem like something was eventually going to go wrong. From his description, we can conclude that he is a bully and rather aggressive and demanding towards others. You have great detail about what the setting looked like, especially on p. 3 para. 1 when you say, “The land, shaped like a hyoid bone, had a small brook running along the entirety of its bend. A dilapidated trailer home occupied the left side of the field, contrasting with the ominous presence of a carefully maintained concrete building to the right”. I absolutely love the comparison you make in this section, especially how you compare it back to a bone. You reference bones earlier in your story when you talk about what the guest speaker said about bones transforming into tools. The only suggestion I have would be to change the way you format your dialogue in the last 2 paragraphs on p. 4. Personally, I think that if you indent the dialogue like you do the rest of your paragraphs, it would be a bit more visually appealing. I really enjoyed the story overall, and your last sentence was extremely well thought out.
Grace
Hi Grace! I really like the idea of your story and where you are going with it. The dialogue you used throughout worked well with the rest of your writing, and did not take my attention away from your other ideas. There is obviously a reason why Blake and Eddy had an argument, and I would like to know more about that. Throughout the story, you are describing how Eddy is no longer on the soccer team and it is because of a situation between himself and Blake. On p.7 para. 2, you go on to describe a scene where Blake and Eddy are talking, and Blake compliments Eddy as a player. It reads, “’Ed, you’re our best-‘he paused, grinding his teeth frustratedly”. This is an important scene, as it gives insight to how much of an asset Eddy is to the team, and Blake is finally realizing that since he is gone, they may not win a lot of games the rest of the season. I am assuming that Blake said something about Eddy’s playing ability that caused this tension to arise. I would like to know more about the situation, and there are a few ways you could do that. Instead of starting the story how you did, I would rather start off in the middle of a soccer game, and have Blake and Eddy get into the argument that started this tension. If you do this, it will grab the reader’s attention faster, and not leave us wondering what happened to get to this point.
Grace
I am genuinely really impressed. I think you have a really good understanding of how to write a really good short story. It was engaging. I think a lot of people are going to ask you to go into more detail about what caused this falling out between Ed and Blake. I urge you not to. I don’t think it’s remotely important to your story why they are going through something difficult. Your choice to not include the source of their dispute made it not a story about wrongdoing, but a story about stubbornness and pride. We don’t know who’s in the right. We don’t know if Ed is being reasonable or ridiculous. What we do know is what he’s feeling. He’s stressed out, overwhelmed, deflated, exhausted and enraged. I only have one suggestion. I think there should be a scene where Ed has a brief interaction with someone not on the soccer team. This would serve to illustrate a possible path forward if he does not decide to return to the soccer team. I think this would serve you by complicating the possible futures we envision as readers. Great story.
Emily
What a tale you’ve told. There is so much here. First of all I think you very masterfully captured childhood innocence with this story, something I have recently been struggling to do. This story reminds of this time my cousin was trying to run me over with the fourwheeler. I had to run from one island of safety (the trampoline) to another (the barn). It wasn’t as though I really thought he’d hit me, but he was an idiot and he was getting close enough the terror was absolutely real. It wasn’t a game. The difference between my story and yours was of course my willingness to participate. Your characters were clearly a little more sane than I and so of course wanted nothing to do with a game so stupid. I think that’s what makes this story so gripping; the position of power the boy holds over the two girls. How often have young, unchecked men abused their power? I imagine it happens everyday. Really good story with a lot of really interesting subplots to dive into.
You’ve captured a chilling, suspenseful story that kept me hooked from start to finish. The atmosphere, character dynamics, and slow build of tension all work really well. The atmosphere of the story is gripping and filled with suspense. The way you describe the setting–the dusty window, the creek, and the unsettling presence of the garage—creates a sense of growing dread that really pulled me in. The shift from the innocent play to the sinister chase scene was smooth yet shocking. I liked how you captured the dynamic between the main character, Natalie, and Chase. The narrator’s conflicted feelings toward Natalie—admiration mixed with frustration—felt very real. Similarly, Chase’s unpredictable and threatening nature was well-developed, especially through subtle descriptions of his physical presence and his actions. He is both repulsive and terrifying.
Chase is a compelling villain, but his motivation for turning the innocent game into a deadly chase is left somewhat ambiguous. While you hint at his troubled family life and aggressive tendencies, it might help to add more context or subtle hints about why he behaves this way.
Grace:
I think you did a good job capturing Eddy’s emotional state and the tension he feels throughout the story. The way you describe his sensory overload, from the clock not moving fast enough to the annoying sounds in the classroom, really pulls the reader into his head. The dialogue between Eddy and the other characters, especially Blake, feels authentic and natural. While we get that something major happened between Eddy and Blake, it’s not entirely clear what it was. You might want to drop a few more hints or a line or two about what the fight was really about to give readers more context.
I have a couple questions: What is the purpose of Eddy having migraine? Does he have a concussion and how does this add to your story? What exactly are you trying to say with this story, it doesn’t have much of a plot and it doesn’t seem to go anywhere, the characters don’t have anything that they are learning or going through something and being changed by it, so what is it that you are trying to say with this story? Another note/question: a soccer season is usually only 3 months long give or take, so did he quit at the beginning of the year if it’s been two months and they are still playing games? What does yur timeframe as the author look like for this story?
You’re story gave me literal chills and you did an amazing job describing the characters as innocent children that just do not know any better, and you bringing in the idea and culture knowledge made the story seem more dynamic and relatable. The way you start the story on page 1 in the first paragraph grabbed my attention because you mentioned how the character viewed the man who came in as an Indian, but he said he was a Native American. This display of somewhat unknown ignorance makes the story more human as well, so I really liked the word choices you used throughout and choices of reality you displayed here. Also, on page 4, paragraph 4 is very strong in terms of writing and description, where you say “The yard, which had just echoed with our mockery, was silent. Natalie began picking at a scab on her arm. I wanted to scold her for the nasty habit but failed to find my voice. Instead, I watched as she slowly tore at her body, which was covered in dark pigmentation from all the other times she indulged. I scanned her long blonde hair and slender frame. Why couldn’t I look like that? Whatever, at least I didn’t pick my scabs,”. It also makes your character more human and multiple sided, as well as makes us know more about Natalie. Being able to define a side character, without telling it from their perspective makes your characters shine. However, I do find the Chase extremely disturbing and psychotic and the big reveal made my skin crawl, but I feel like you could push it even further. It is evident that he is a terrible and awful human, but I feel like his character on paper that you have written could be even more evil. Maybe to really make him so awful and so that we can know we are not supposed to root for this guy, maybe have him kill a live animal in front of your main characters or something. Don’t be afraid to push it even further, because I feel like it will make your villain so much stronger and scarier. Overall, I really enjoyed your story and I can’t wait to see what is next.
Grace
I really enjoyed the simplicity of your story. I think what sets your story apart from many others is that you are not being super descriptive about your plot and your storyline is super simple, but that is why I think yours is a stand out. You really do a great job capturing the intensity and stress a young person can feel during and from school hours, as well as the drama that can ensue from many young teenagers thinking they have a god complex, just because they play a sport. Your first page entirely is super relatable and instantly made me sympathize with Ed, especially since I know the feeling. You do a good job of showing the mental stress and social anxiety someone can feel in such a small but crowded setting. You brought me back to my first two years of high school and that is a testament to how strong your storytelling and writing is. I think what I would suggest would be to don’t be afraid to slow it down and drag for a bit, especially when we meet Vincent. He felt like a drive by character, where we heard his name and knew what he does at the school, but that was it. I want to see inside the car. What else can we know about him and what is his main purpose to the story? Plus, I want to hear more about Ed and Blake’s first fight. It was obviously so severe and I liked the mystery behind it, but you went a little too vague with it. I would like to know what Blake said or did to Ed to make Ed despise him so much. Overall, great read and I am excited to see what you do next.
Grace,
This story is about a high school boy navigating a major conflict with a friend that could drastically change his future. I found it compelling how Ed, despite being on track to go to college for soccer, firmly decides to quit after a fight with Blake. This led to me wondering how intense the fight could have been in order for Ed to quit something he was so passionate about. I think another thing I enjoyed about the story was how high school friendships are explored from the perspective of a male I also enjoyed how you did a great job at exploring the emotions that a high school boy may go through after giving up something they are extremely passionate about. As a whole, I enjoyed this story and thought it flowed very well but it could benefit from some expansion on these intriguing dynamics between the two.
Emily,
This is a story about a girl and her friend Natalie who spend their summer exploring Native American culture through imaginative play. I honestly really enjoyed how you captured the innocence of childhood with just the right amount of darkness to keep things intriguing. I think the dynamic between Natalie and her best friend was entertaining and did a nice job at showing how people who are different from each other personality wise can balance each other out and it made me think of my best friend when I was younger and him and I were able to do the same thing. The story also did a great job of portraying childhood trust and friendship, especially in how the girls, despite not liking Chase, still let him play with them. I think diving into the “weirdness” of Chase could help the story and would build tension to an already tension filled story. As a whole this was a great read, and I enjoyed it a lot.
14 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 13”
Emily
I liked the build you had. The build of horror and the unknowing and the fear. It was very nicely done. I jumped a little bit and I was so scared for Natalie and the main character. But the suspense you captured I had to keep reading. I was invested in if the characters survive in that moment while being chased by Chase. You really build up Chase’s character very nicely and through the thoughts and actions of the two girls’ reactions to him. It helped make him into this creepy scary, power-hungry boy child with a knife. Your dialogue helped bring out a lot of the plot. I don’t feel like this story is over yet I feel like it’s got some loose ends that need to be tied up and one can stay loose though. Like how? Lied as in he was going to stab her or lied as in he said that and then stabbed her?
Grace
I really liked this story. It had just enough dialogue in it. To make you want more but make the plot move through the characters with the characters. They sounded like teenagers and what teenagers say to each other. Same with the mannerisms I felt like I was just wadding more and more into the story and the scene as I read more. It is very consistently zoomed in on two characters at a time. Maybe some world building around them. Describing the environment a bit more to add more to the scene. I want to see what the character sees around him besides just what is relevant to the plot on top of what the character feels and what the character sees as he feels. I think that your dialogue is on point and well balanced with the internal dialogue. Neither is out weighing each other in the context of the story. But some of the main character’s thoughts seem a bit vague which leaves at lot to the imagination, which is good but also like I need some specifics, like did whatever Blake says make the main character self conscious and insecure which could be why he is so mad at him and also just being offended by whatever he said.
Grace, I really like this story. The tension and highschool dynamic you have created feels spot on, in my opinion. I like the connection you make between sports and social lives in a school environment, and I do feel like you have some interesting commentary on that. My question is if that commentary was purposeful, and if not, what statement are you trying to make? Overall the story flows super nicely, the dialogue and inner monologue work, and it all feels super natural.
Emily:
“This is Not a Game” Is about a girl and her friend Natalie who learn about Native American culture and end up spending their summer days taking on the role of Native Amercians.
Emily, I really enjoyed this story! You captured the innocence of childhood while also adding on a bit of a dark twist that left me wanting more. Natalie was a character that reminded me of an old friend when I was little. The friend that is always happy, and always talking even if it’s at the wrong time, But you love them anyway. I think you having your main character being different in certain ways from Natalie worked so well. I liked that you described the character Chase in great detail, it gave me such a good visual of what he looked like, and had me knowing exactly the type of person he is. The ending of your story worked so well, it gave the reader such a mystery to what happened and I loved it.
Something I really would like to know is more about Chase’s background. We got a little bit of it when you mentioned his parents were divorced. But I would love to know more about what he would do that would bother your main character so much.
Grace:
Grace, I really like your story! You had a good representation of pressure to be this person who can do it all, be a part of sports while also managing school. I loved the quote “Why does it all fall on me,
huh? I should be able to leave without the whole team falling apart behind me!” I think this quote was such a great turning point in your main character’s life when realizing that it is ok for him to not want to be on the team because the team shouldn’t rely on one person. I think you showed that very well! A question I do have though is about the argument that is brought up at the reason why Eddy quit the team, I think it would be great to have more detail into what the argument was about. But overall your dialogue flowed really well, and it was a easy read and really enjoyable!
Grace
This story follows a boy in high school, going through a potentially future-altering conflict with a “friend”. I liked how firmly Ed decides he will no longer play soccer, even though it is seemingly his ticket into college, over a fight with Blake. I wonder how bad the fight could have been to make him quit this passion. It raises questions about quitting something you are passionate about, good at, or have been doing for a long time. What happens next? Where can you go from there? Ed is seemingly still figuring that out. I really like this indecision reflected in the intense feelings he experiences throughout the school day. I think focusing a bit more on the ending could help make a more satisfying conclusion, and allowing Ed, as a character, to figure it out for you would be helpful. I was thoroughly engaged, as this flowed nicely.
Emily
This is a story about two young girls who decidedly take pity on an insolent boy they are seemingly a little weary about. It portrays the trust of children and friendship. I enjoyed the innocence of the two girls, they still decide to allow this boy to play with them even if they dislike him. The imagery kept me engaged in the story, moving from scene to scene like a continuous film strip. I am curious how much older Chase is than the girls. It is implied that he is older but it is unclear by how much. One suggestion would be adding to Chase’s “weirdness” a bit more, since we don’t get much dialogue or action from him before he goes to the deer shed. Adding some more scenes where he talks could help display the girl’s uneasiness and Chase’s strangeness to build further tension.
“This Is Not a Game”
1: The story is about an innocent, young girl and her even more innocent friend acting like Native Americans in play. They attempt to engage in activities like eating berries, making dances, building teepees, and eventually, war. However, they fail to recognize the true context and significance of these endeavors to the Native American Culture. By the end, they no doubt have a greater understanding of the perils and consequences associated with war as they run in terror from a knife-wielding classmate.
2: I like the way that the story flows, as well as the realisticness of the children playing. I like how the main character is old enough to understand something, but is also young enough to make this incident a real learning experience that comes with some loss of innocence.
3: Questions: Is this novel retrospective? It sounds like it, meaning she must have survived capture from the knife-wielding boy.
4: Would it be realistic for a fifth grader to sacrifice herself for a friend? And what happens after the boy catches her? It would make the story feel more complete and transformative to elaborate on exactly how much innocence was lost and how the terror induced from the incident impacted her future.
“After It’s Dropped”
1: The story is about a highschool senior who plays soccer and quits his highschool team after getting into a fight with his former friend. His former friend and others in the soccer team attempt to cajole him back onto the team for the championships, because they fear they will lose without him. The main character is simultaneously going through the struggles of simply being a high school aged kid, adding to the stress induced by his teammates.
2: I like how Eduardo is a multi-dimensional character who is relatable and manages to stand up for himself in a way that is strong and truthful but also not unduly mean.
3: Questions: What led you to choose soccer instead of another sport for this story?
4: How does Eduardo react to a waste of three years of friendship? How does this affect his future relationships with other people? Could be elaborated on at the end of the story to make it appear more transformative.
Hey Emily
What a captivating story. I was deeply immersed in the metaphors and the Native culture you introduced. I felt as if I were with that trio, fooling around outside and running for my life from Chase. I did not see where this story was going and the suspenseful nature of it was truly successful. The foreshadowing in this story was amazing. The details of how he smelled like her dead hamster and then we see how he is a psycho kid that kills animals and that dark clumpy stuff in his hair was most likely dried animal blood. The place he pointed out where his family skinned deer was super ominous, and it was smart that Chase pointed it out, and that the girls did not ask about it. I would like to know the inexcusable behavior that Chase had that made these two girls want to stay away from him. They are filled with compassion for him because of his parents divorce but what was the thing that made them be like oh we need to watch our backs with him?How old is Chase? Is he their age? How was he able to catch up with them if he was described as being a fat kid?Since this is story is being recalled, is it safe to assume the girl is safe? Even though Chase lied by saying he is playing?
Hi Grace!
This is a story about a high school student named Ed that used to play on the school’s soccer team. His ex best friend said something that made him quit and now his ex-teammates are trying to get him to join back, especially Blake. I liked the tension between Eddy and Blake and how they were kind of glaring at each other during lunch. The confrontation between them left things in even more of a mess than it was before. I am super curious to see why or what the reason was that Eddy does not play soccer anymore. Why is he unable to focus in class and why is he a mess? Is it because he misses playing soccer? Is it because of a personal reason completely unrelated to soccer? I would have loved to see more background because I felt like many things were vague and that we are missing a very important piece of the story.
Grace:
This was a really interesting story. It explored highschool friendships, and the struggles they come with, from a male perspective. I liked your descriptions of sounds, for example on page one “As our teacher continues her lecture, she moves back and forth
between the board and her desk. Her heels make a clicking noise each time she
moves. The kid next to me… chews his gum loudly.” The description of the headache was really well done, I could really put myself in what Eduardo was feeling. I wanted to know more about the headaches, about the fight, about the backstory. I began to theorize reasons for Eduardo’s headache. Is it caused by stress? Is it genetic? Did he suffer a traumatic brain injury playing his sport? I also am really interested to see how you could expand on his relationship with Blake. They were friends for 3 years- were they best friends? Just part of the same friend group? How close were they? I don’t know that we need the full backstory on the fight, but I would love some parallels that tell us more about that situation. When Blake is staring in the cafeteria do his eyes remind Eduardo of how he looked during the fight? What about when Blake punches him? Has Blake done that before? Has Eduardo ever felt threatened? Or wanted to punch Blake himself? Overall great, and I would love to see some expansion on your characters!
Emily:
This is such an evocative and atmospheric story. I love how you gave us such a strong sense of setting. From the Native American man coming to the school, to the blueberry bushes, to the sugar maple trees, I really understood where we were and I could really see the characters in that place. The early autumn air and the leaves starting to change during those first few months of the school year, you never talk about it and yet I was transported there. I loved your vivid descriptions which showed us just how real all of this was to the characters, for example your description of the children imagining fire on page 3 “It was as if an unspoken pact had been forged, binding us to the elemental forces at play. We could feel the presence of the fire, an intangible entity that whispered ancient secrets to our souls. Its flickering light called to us, casting dancing shadows that stirred a primal longing within. We yearned to please the fire, to surrender ourselves to its rhythmic embrace.” I could remember playing the same sorts of games when I was the same age and how vivid they were to me then, so I thought that was something you captured really well. Also the way you carry your theme throughout the story with your use of imagery. The way you describe the teepee they built as “skeletal”, only to bring us into the boy’s family shed afterwards. Also on page 7 where the girl stops in terror which you describe by saying “I was a deer immobilized by the piercing glare of headlights; fear
rendered me motionless.” The comparison made between the main character and the deer in the shed is so impactful and well done, it really added to the atmospheric creepy feeling that the story gains after the first few pages. My only question is the voice of the main character feels slightly older at times than a typical fifth grader. She’s very articulate and mature, was this intentional? It’s almost like a ghost story, as if she’s looking back on these events. It doesn’t feel like she survives, does she?
Emily,
First of all, I love your descriptions. Especially of Chase, and especially the sentence “His stench was similar to that of my late hamster.” I really like his characterization as well—he genuinely does remind me of the mean older boy that lived across the street from me when I was small and the authenticity really pulls me in as a reader. The way that you build tension does a great job at propelling the story forward, and the narrator’s interpretation of the grass around her legs on page 7, fueled by her fear, does a good job of showing us that she feels like she can’t get away. Also, I feel that you really captured how little kids play very well, which is a super specific thing, but truly this kind of play is essential to childhood in my opinion and I’m glad that you were able to recall this because it made the story feel very natural. I’m wondering exactly how old Chase is, and also maybe if you could show us a few events that have shaped the girls’ opinion of him, even in one-off mentions of some of the other presumably weird things he’s done or said before.
Grace,
I think that your showcase of friendships and relationships, especially on sports teams and between boys, can be sort of turbulent and complicated, particularly when one party is more emotionally mature than the other. I wish there had been more explanation or reference as to what caused this falling out between Blake and Eduardo, and also something that would allow us to grasp the nature of their friendship before that event. Were they super close? Have they always had small issues and this was the last straw, or was this fight really so bad that Eduardo decided it was totally relationship-ruining? Your addition of Blake hitting Eduardo and then Eduardo not reciprocating the violence definitely goes to show that they are different people mentally and emotionally—but the inclusion of a panic attack (or at least what I interpreted to be one) also tells us that Eduardo is not lacking in meaningful emotion at all. I like that you put this in to show us his depth. This definitely has great potential but I feel like a lot of things in it are lacking explanation and I’d really love to know more about the backstory, I think it would pull the reader in a lot better.
I really loved reading Emily’s story. It was beautifully terrifying and helped establish a sense of fear for the reader. Much like the main character, we try to understand Chase based on how young he is and what he’s going through, but once he pulls out the hunting knife, it’s hard to justify his behavior. Emily captured that terror of being chased, especially with no rescue insight. She did a good job of writing children, how they speak, how they play, how they behave. There’s also a bit of a parallel between Chase and our main character. It is alluded to that her parents are also divorced; however, she hasn’t become violent like Chase has. Natalie’s character is also likeable and realistic. Despite not liking or trusting Chase, she takes the chance to explain what game they’re playing to him excitedly, much like a child would. I really enjoyed the open-ended conclusion, how the reader doesn’t know what happens after Chase catches the main character. I think winding up the reader with suspense and terror and then leaving them wondering really adds to the tone of the story. The only note I have is to establish more suspense and terror in the beginning. Maybe make Chase a bit more unsettling, have the girls more scared when he disappears.
Emily
Emily, wow! This was an incredible piece that took an unexpected turn. You tell the story of some schoolchildren who are imitating a Native American lifestyle, and playing in ways that represent the culture. This is when a neighborhood boy named Chase started to join in. At first, they felt bad for him, but he soon told the girls- rather than asked – that he was joining their tribe. Your insinuations about Chase were attention grabbing, and made it seem like something was eventually going to go wrong. From his description, we can conclude that he is a bully and rather aggressive and demanding towards others. You have great detail about what the setting looked like, especially on p. 3 para. 1 when you say, “The land, shaped like a hyoid bone, had a small brook running along the entirety of its bend. A dilapidated trailer home occupied the left side of the field, contrasting with the ominous presence of a carefully maintained concrete building to the right”. I absolutely love the comparison you make in this section, especially how you compare it back to a bone. You reference bones earlier in your story when you talk about what the guest speaker said about bones transforming into tools. The only suggestion I have would be to change the way you format your dialogue in the last 2 paragraphs on p. 4. Personally, I think that if you indent the dialogue like you do the rest of your paragraphs, it would be a bit more visually appealing. I really enjoyed the story overall, and your last sentence was extremely well thought out.
Grace
Hi Grace! I really like the idea of your story and where you are going with it. The dialogue you used throughout worked well with the rest of your writing, and did not take my attention away from your other ideas. There is obviously a reason why Blake and Eddy had an argument, and I would like to know more about that. Throughout the story, you are describing how Eddy is no longer on the soccer team and it is because of a situation between himself and Blake. On p.7 para. 2, you go on to describe a scene where Blake and Eddy are talking, and Blake compliments Eddy as a player. It reads, “’Ed, you’re our best-‘he paused, grinding his teeth frustratedly”. This is an important scene, as it gives insight to how much of an asset Eddy is to the team, and Blake is finally realizing that since he is gone, they may not win a lot of games the rest of the season. I am assuming that Blake said something about Eddy’s playing ability that caused this tension to arise. I would like to know more about the situation, and there are a few ways you could do that. Instead of starting the story how you did, I would rather start off in the middle of a soccer game, and have Blake and Eddy get into the argument that started this tension. If you do this, it will grab the reader’s attention faster, and not leave us wondering what happened to get to this point.
Grace
I am genuinely really impressed. I think you have a really good understanding of how to write a really good short story. It was engaging. I think a lot of people are going to ask you to go into more detail about what caused this falling out between Ed and Blake. I urge you not to. I don’t think it’s remotely important to your story why they are going through something difficult. Your choice to not include the source of their dispute made it not a story about wrongdoing, but a story about stubbornness and pride. We don’t know who’s in the right. We don’t know if Ed is being reasonable or ridiculous. What we do know is what he’s feeling. He’s stressed out, overwhelmed, deflated, exhausted and enraged. I only have one suggestion. I think there should be a scene where Ed has a brief interaction with someone not on the soccer team. This would serve to illustrate a possible path forward if he does not decide to return to the soccer team. I think this would serve you by complicating the possible futures we envision as readers. Great story.
Emily
What a tale you’ve told. There is so much here. First of all I think you very masterfully captured childhood innocence with this story, something I have recently been struggling to do. This story reminds of this time my cousin was trying to run me over with the fourwheeler. I had to run from one island of safety (the trampoline) to another (the barn). It wasn’t as though I really thought he’d hit me, but he was an idiot and he was getting close enough the terror was absolutely real. It wasn’t a game. The difference between my story and yours was of course my willingness to participate. Your characters were clearly a little more sane than I and so of course wanted nothing to do with a game so stupid. I think that’s what makes this story so gripping; the position of power the boy holds over the two girls. How often have young, unchecked men abused their power? I imagine it happens everyday. Really good story with a lot of really interesting subplots to dive into.
Emily:
You’ve captured a chilling, suspenseful story that kept me hooked from start to finish. The atmosphere, character dynamics, and slow build of tension all work really well. The atmosphere of the story is gripping and filled with suspense. The way you describe the setting–the dusty window, the creek, and the unsettling presence of the garage—creates a sense of growing dread that really pulled me in. The shift from the innocent play to the sinister chase scene was smooth yet shocking. I liked how you captured the dynamic between the main character, Natalie, and Chase. The narrator’s conflicted feelings toward Natalie—admiration mixed with frustration—felt very real. Similarly, Chase’s unpredictable and threatening nature was well-developed, especially through subtle descriptions of his physical presence and his actions. He is both repulsive and terrifying.
Chase is a compelling villain, but his motivation for turning the innocent game into a deadly chase is left somewhat ambiguous. While you hint at his troubled family life and aggressive tendencies, it might help to add more context or subtle hints about why he behaves this way.
Grace:
I think you did a good job capturing Eddy’s emotional state and the tension he feels throughout the story. The way you describe his sensory overload, from the clock not moving fast enough to the annoying sounds in the classroom, really pulls the reader into his head. The dialogue between Eddy and the other characters, especially Blake, feels authentic and natural. While we get that something major happened between Eddy and Blake, it’s not entirely clear what it was. You might want to drop a few more hints or a line or two about what the fight was really about to give readers more context.
I have a couple questions: What is the purpose of Eddy having migraine? Does he have a concussion and how does this add to your story? What exactly are you trying to say with this story, it doesn’t have much of a plot and it doesn’t seem to go anywhere, the characters don’t have anything that they are learning or going through something and being changed by it, so what is it that you are trying to say with this story? Another note/question: a soccer season is usually only 3 months long give or take, so did he quit at the beginning of the year if it’s been two months and they are still playing games? What does yur timeframe as the author look like for this story?
Emily
You’re story gave me literal chills and you did an amazing job describing the characters as innocent children that just do not know any better, and you bringing in the idea and culture knowledge made the story seem more dynamic and relatable. The way you start the story on page 1 in the first paragraph grabbed my attention because you mentioned how the character viewed the man who came in as an Indian, but he said he was a Native American. This display of somewhat unknown ignorance makes the story more human as well, so I really liked the word choices you used throughout and choices of reality you displayed here. Also, on page 4, paragraph 4 is very strong in terms of writing and description, where you say “The yard, which had just echoed with our mockery, was silent. Natalie began picking at a scab on her arm. I wanted to scold her for the nasty habit but failed to find my voice. Instead, I watched as she slowly tore at her body, which was covered in dark pigmentation from all the other times she indulged. I scanned her long blonde hair and slender frame. Why couldn’t I look like that? Whatever, at least I didn’t pick my scabs,”. It also makes your character more human and multiple sided, as well as makes us know more about Natalie. Being able to define a side character, without telling it from their perspective makes your characters shine. However, I do find the Chase extremely disturbing and psychotic and the big reveal made my skin crawl, but I feel like you could push it even further. It is evident that he is a terrible and awful human, but I feel like his character on paper that you have written could be even more evil. Maybe to really make him so awful and so that we can know we are not supposed to root for this guy, maybe have him kill a live animal in front of your main characters or something. Don’t be afraid to push it even further, because I feel like it will make your villain so much stronger and scarier. Overall, I really enjoyed your story and I can’t wait to see what is next.
Grace
I really enjoyed the simplicity of your story. I think what sets your story apart from many others is that you are not being super descriptive about your plot and your storyline is super simple, but that is why I think yours is a stand out. You really do a great job capturing the intensity and stress a young person can feel during and from school hours, as well as the drama that can ensue from many young teenagers thinking they have a god complex, just because they play a sport. Your first page entirely is super relatable and instantly made me sympathize with Ed, especially since I know the feeling. You do a good job of showing the mental stress and social anxiety someone can feel in such a small but crowded setting. You brought me back to my first two years of high school and that is a testament to how strong your storytelling and writing is. I think what I would suggest would be to don’t be afraid to slow it down and drag for a bit, especially when we meet Vincent. He felt like a drive by character, where we heard his name and knew what he does at the school, but that was it. I want to see inside the car. What else can we know about him and what is his main purpose to the story? Plus, I want to hear more about Ed and Blake’s first fight. It was obviously so severe and I liked the mystery behind it, but you went a little too vague with it. I would like to know what Blake said or did to Ed to make Ed despise him so much. Overall, great read and I am excited to see what you do next.
Grace,
This story is about a high school boy navigating a major conflict with a friend that could drastically change his future. I found it compelling how Ed, despite being on track to go to college for soccer, firmly decides to quit after a fight with Blake. This led to me wondering how intense the fight could have been in order for Ed to quit something he was so passionate about. I think another thing I enjoyed about the story was how high school friendships are explored from the perspective of a male I also enjoyed how you did a great job at exploring the emotions that a high school boy may go through after giving up something they are extremely passionate about. As a whole, I enjoyed this story and thought it flowed very well but it could benefit from some expansion on these intriguing dynamics between the two.
Emily,
This is a story about a girl and her friend Natalie who spend their summer exploring Native American culture through imaginative play. I honestly really enjoyed how you captured the innocence of childhood with just the right amount of darkness to keep things intriguing. I think the dynamic between Natalie and her best friend was entertaining and did a nice job at showing how people who are different from each other personality wise can balance each other out and it made me think of my best friend when I was younger and him and I were able to do the same thing. The story also did a great job of portraying childhood trust and friendship, especially in how the girls, despite not liking Chase, still let him play with them. I think diving into the “weirdness” of Chase could help the story and would build tension to an already tension filled story. As a whole this was a great read, and I enjoyed it a lot.