Caitlin, overall I really enjoyed your story about your main character Chelsea. You wrote a short story about a young girl who is experiencing her life in a new city. She is traveling on foot to the local grocery store to get a list of food items she needs. The amount of detail you include in the story makes me feel like I am walking alongside her through life. The way you describe the people around her and the way she is going about her day intrigued me from the beginning. One spot in particular that I really liked was on p. 5 para. 2. You are describing the scene where Chelsea is paying for her groceries and write, “He puts them in a paper bag for her while she puts her card into the machine, pressing the green button, and then typing in her pin, and then pressing the green button again before pulling it back out and putting it back into its spot in her wallet”. This scene is described so well that I can see it happening right in front of me. You had my attention the entire time with this story and I love how you focused on the questions she was asking herself as went about her day. This story does make me wonder though; did you think of possibly writing the story in first person? I think that if you did it would enhance your writing even more so that we as readers can feel even more inclined to believing we are living through the eyes of Chelsea.
Kennedy
This was an incredible story about determination and persistence. You depict the story of a high schooler who is a track athlete competing in the state championship race. This runner is extremely anxious, as it is her last shot at being able to place high enough to qualify for a college scholarship and get recruited by a scout at the track meet. I especially enjoyed reading about her family background and how her family situation is not the best. Her parents are obviously not happy with one another and might be thinking about getting a divorce. On p. 3, you give insight to these issues and how they are weighing on her. They do not want to talk about her going to school and change the conversation to a completely different topic. They do not have the money to send her to college, and if they do not talk about it, they may be hoping she changes her mind about going to school. It is important to include this scene because it gives background to why she is so concerned with placing high enough to qualify for a scholarship at the championship meet. One suggestion I do have would be to include this background on her family issues earlier in the story. You have great ideas, and your writing is well rounded, but I think that if you change the order of your paragraphs, it will flow a bit better. I would take all of the information regarding the family dinner scene and move it to right after your first line break on p. 1. If you do this, you are giving the background information early, which would make her race even more remarkable. Great job!
Journal 14
Caitlin
This is so cool to read! I really liked how it moved the narrator around the city. I felt immersed in the city and wandering around it with Chelsea. There are different points that make you wonder. But the character for most of it is speaking without actually speaking. I feel like I’ve been having a little chat with her the entire time as well. I really know how she is feeling, and what she is like. You set the scene for the plot of making new friends in a large city and how different it is to be in. I think the dialogue at the end helps move the plot through the characters and gives you an idea of where it could go. I think it needs to be tied up a bit more in the end though. Just because I don’t think this story needs a cliffhanger, just because I want to know did she make friends or not, it sounds like it but I don’t know for sure.
Kennedy
I can feel the sensation of wanting to win and be successful. The external pressures of needing this from at home issues. I think that you could add a scene right before the race that will help capture how stressed the main character is before the race, besides the night before. I used to run cross country and I was stressed most of the time right before a race, and my symptoms of that really heightened during the warm ups like 20 minutes before the race starts. I knew someone that used to have to go to the bathroom like 4 times in the span of 20 minutes because they were so stressed and it seems to be a thing with runners too. I really enjoyed your descriptions and all the scenes you picked like the pasta party the night before, but I do think that talking about the warm up and the nervousness and maybe the little like sports superstitions and habits before a big race might help bring it home more.
Kennedy
This is a story about a high school track student hoping to get scouted at her state championship meet. Due to a tight financial situation, she has been training hard for this day. I really enjoyed the description you used during the race itself, I felt it accurately depicted what it feels like to be a runner in a race. I am curious if the narrator has any pre-race rituals that so many athletes tend to have, and it might be interesting to see. I also really liked seeing the family dynamic that surrounds the narrator, it almost is reflecting the pressure of the race too. While I feel like the narrator felt a lot of pressure leading up to the meet, I think it would be better to show more of that than saying she is feeling pressured or heavy. Like the scene at the restaurant the night before showed the reader this pressure instead of repeating it, which I greatly enjoyed. I think if this event is so important to her, she might get in her own head more and push herself too far on some days which could add a deeper inner conflict. Overall it looks good.
Caitlin
This is a story about a woman finding her place in a new city and travels to get a few groceries. I really liked how this was told in third person, I felt it gave some sort of depth to the narrator and those who surround her. I also greatly enjoy the amount of detail, and the writing style here with the listing, particularly in the grocery store. The way one thing is stated and then the writing says that it could actually be the opposite made the city seem more alive. How people could be happy, but they could also be miserable, they could be headed home from work, or going to clock in. It explains the variety of people who live in a condensed area nicely. I would suggest utilizing more dialogue throughout this piece, since a lot of it is chunks of texts that all mesh together, where dialogue gives your reader a break from all the information. I really liked this!
Hi Kennedy!
I really like the setting of your story and the excitement of the race.
I like the comparison of running track is like solving problems in class. “Track runners have mastered the art of processing information the same way we process pain. In the classroom, just like on the track, it’s about breaking down the distance—step by step, problem by problem.”
I love how she finds comfort in her team. It felt like they were her family. They know how important this competition is for her, while her parents could not care less. Aren’t parents usually at these competitions?
I wish your character had a name. She’s a very likeable character and it feels like we are missing something important by not knowing her name. I think it would be nice if you were to use your intro paragraph again when the character starts the race. It kind of feels like two different races and not the race that is super important. I like how we got to see the reason why the race was so important to this character. Usually, we would assume that it must be for fame and to prove that you are better than everyone. She is desperate to get out and escape the tension in her home. The lack of parental support and the description of the financial stressors on page 2, indicate the reason why she is desperate for the win.
Hey Caitlin
I liked the passage of time in this story and how it all happened within the span of an hour if not less. We see Chelsea go for a grocery run in a big city. She seems to be a post graduate student who is struggling to find peace and contentment within herself and new life. She is uncertain and goes about ‘judging’ and wondering about the people who she passes on her walk. She is interested in what they might do for a living and the kind of life they lead. I like how it ends on a hopeful note of her slowly coming out of her shell and attempting to build a relationship with her roommate. I also like how we see her empathy towards a homeless man and how she bought him snacks and water.
Some of the sentences felt like they could be shorter and split into others. It made it hard to read at times. I found the jump to her speaking to her mom about getting out of her shell, sudden. I would have liked to see it maybe after we got to see more of her personality in the story as it seemed almost random on page 1.
On page 2, para 2, she says that she sticks out like a sore thumb. I think this would be a great way to say why and how she sticks out. Other than knowing that her shoes are old and should be thrown out, I do not know much about her appearance.
“Saunter”
1: This story is about a recent college graduate who is taking on a job in the city. She understands city life, but is internally struggling to fulfill her role in it. Throughout much of the story, she is observing other people, many of whom appear to be living richer lives than her in many aspects. In the end, when she arrives home from walking and has had time to reflect on her recent life experiences, she decides to make a small change for the better in proactively seeking friendship.
2: I like how the ending is a result of the cumulative thought process she undergoes on her walk. We as the reader get the opportunity to understand how the tiny little change she makes at the end could impact her overall social network.
3: To me, it seems like a bigger change she must have made at some point recently is befriending the homeless man, Derek. What led you to choose the ending of the story to be befriending a roommate rather than her befriending the homeless dude?
4: It would be interesting to know how she got to meet Derek, and why she appeared to have an easier time talking with him as a homeless person rather than her roommates.
“1600 M”
1: This story is about a high school runner who is looking to start a new life outside of her hometown, but does not have the money to afford college. She feels the pressure of any runner before a big competition, and more, because she knows that a scholarship is her only chance of being able to go to college. In the end, she worked hard and did everything she could, which provided her a degree of comfort even amidst the uncertainty of her future.
2: I like how the runner culture is so accurately portrayed, complete with the stomach in knots before the meet and the other runners, including the late ones who are always cracking a joke. I also like that we do not know the full impact of that race on her future; the change in mindset at the end was small but evident. Instead of thinking she must get the scholarship no matter what, she comes to understand that she did everything she could to get the outcome she desired.
3: Did you choose track rather than some other sport because it was familiar to you, it captured the essence of a gritty mentality well, or for some other reason?
4: The timeline is slightly unclear; is the practice described at the beginning an example of an ordinary practice and her mentality surrounding the general experience? Or is it supposed to be close to race day, but not the night before?
Caitlin:
This was a really interesting story about the mental transition one makes when they move from one environment to a completely different one. This story was like a slice of life and I really liked that. I feel like we really got to know Chelsea throughout the story. I think you did a good job at conveying character. The city itself also feels like a character in the story, for example on page 2, “she pushes on, walking past the building which she has chosen as her favorite, which has vines growing up the sides and usually a cat sleeping on the windowsill at street level, between the window pane and the curtain that shields the inside from onlookers such as herself.” The rich descriptions like this make your city so vivid. I would like to ask about the last four years of her life though. You say that she is 22 and that her senior prom was four years ago, which leads to my question. Did she go to college? If she did, has she experienced big life changes like this before? Did she go to a community college from home, and if not, has she had other experiences that might make this move to the city less shocking for her? I’d also be interested to know why she came to the city. Was it for a job opportunity? Does she have big dreams? This was a fun read, nice work.
Kennedy:
I really enjoyed reading this story. It was such a good depiction of sport through language, and I felt it was excellent sports writing. I loved the way you captured not only the physical feelings of a runner, but also the mindset. Quotes like the one on page 3, “…we figure it out because there are only two ways to do something: the correct way and again.” really put the reader in the mindset of the character. I also thought they were relatable. I liked how strong this character was too, for example when she runs with the boys on page 1. I’ve always enjoyed stories that immerse the reader in an experience, which you did really well here. I really wanted to know more at the end. Did she get scouted? Does she get to go to college? Does she end up stuck in her own town- maybe she becomes the coach at the high school? That would be terrible- but it left me curious about the outcome. Fantastic story, well done.
Caitlin’s story was so calm and relaxing. I really enjoyed reading it, and I felt like it was very insightful on what life is like when you take a second to examine it. When walking through crowds and busy streets, you have the opportunity to see what every person is going through. I felt like this story really captured what it’s like to do that. The assumptions you make, correct or incorrect, the things you notice, the people you see and talk to. I thought Caitlin did a wonderful job of writing a character very entranced with the lives of those around her. The character’s commentary on her surroundings helped to add depth and personality to her, making the reader understand her without her really having to do anything. I enjoyed how she was kind to everyone, how she had a bit of attitude but a kind heart. That makes her very likeable. I might suggest adding parts where we see more of her behavior, but I almost prefer seeing who she is through her thoughts more.
Kennedy’s story was tense and very real. The main character had serious motivation that made the reader root for her. The description of her relationship with her parents was very realistic. They don’t have a good relationship, not because they are physically or emotionally abusive, but because they just aren’t there. The way Kennedy describes parents who are physically there but nothing else was very realistic. Describing how theybarely even looked at each other anymore, that they only focused on work, really helped the reader understand why the character is so driven. Using track as a way to escape her home life and the town she doesn’t enjoy is true to many athletes. The ending where she finally made it to the end was amazing, and gave the reader a sense of accomplishment and hope. My only advice might be to add more between the character and her parents. Make it obvious why she wants to leave.
I think you did a fantastic job of capturing the mundane moments of Chelsea’s life and making them feel relatable and immersive. Your descriptions of the city, the small corner story, and the subtle dynamics of city life were vivid and created a great atmosphere. Chelsea’s internal dialogue, primarily her reflections on her past and her insecurities about belonging, felt very real and gave her character depth. I also liked how you showed her small gestures of kindness, like her interaction with Derek—it gave us a glimpse into her humanity. I also loved how intellectual she is when she catches herself imagining what other people she’s walking by is feeling and how they are sad feelings and how she could be projecting she starts to think more positively, and how she wonders if other people make up stories about her life the same way she is about them. Or when she sees how others treat Derek and hopes the city will never make her like that.
I liked how the story ended with a small step toward connection, but it might have felt stronger if we had seen more of how this moment impacted Chelsea emotionally. Expanding on her internal reaction as she starts to make dinner with Lauren could really solidify the significance of that step.
Kennedy’s Questions:
Character development and relatability:
“How well did you connect with the protagonist and their journey? Were there any moments where you felt especially engaged or disconnected from their experience?”
Pacing and tension during the race scenes:
“Did the pacing of the race and practice scenes keep you engaged? Were there moments where you felt the tension was especially high, or were there sections that felt too slow or rushed?”
Themes of perseverance and struggle:
“How well did the story convey the themes of perseverance and balancing personal struggles with athletic goals? Were there moments where these themes stood out or where you wanted to see them explored more?”
“Saunter” is about a Chelsea taking on the city after being recently graduated, but is struggling to get out of shell. She ends up comparing her life to other lives and reminiscing on how other people’s lives might be so much better than her’s.
This was a great story about a girl living on her own and trying to manage with what she has but notices the other people who she thinks must have a more lavish life than her. “She looks back at them for a moment and sees a stack of gold bracelets, a gold watch, gold cufflinks, a massive sparkling engagement ring, a bag by a designer she doesn’t recognize, and blaring red shoe soles visible beneath impossibly high heels. She imagines their penthouse, overlooking the most cinematic parts of the city. Pristinely clean, a fully-stocked fridge, a treadmill in the corner of the spacious living room, in-unit washer and dryer. She looks at her chipped, red nail polish and wonders how much a manicure even costs now. “ I really liked this because It shows the comparison that goes on in someone’s head when they see someone who might have more money then themself.
A suggestion I would have is going into her backstory a little bit, like where she went to college and what she studied. But overall this was very enjoyable!
Kennedy:
“1600m” Is about a runner who wants to move on from highschool life in her hometown, but struggles being able to do that due to money. So she did everything she could to be able to achieve this dream.
I really enjoyed reading this story. It very well showed the battle in an athlete’s mind to be the best you can be. I am not a runner but your detail was perfect for the readers to be able to understand what is going on. It was so powerful the way you described her relationship with her parents, it is a piece of your story that a reader might be able to relate too. Overall your story was a great picture of the inner battles an athlete has when a sport is there way to getting out of their hometown even if it isn’t something they don’t enjoy .
Kennedy,
I really liked the way that you wrote this. I’ve never been much of a runner but I was an athlete for my entire life before college, and I think that you did a great job describing how it feels when your thoughts start affecting your confidence, and having to push through that at the same time as pushing your body to its physical limit. I like that you started to develop her relationship with her parents and her home life but I do wish that it was wrapped up a little bit. I’m wondering if she went to Stanford, if this improved or worsened her financial situation, if her parents were even at this race, if they were proud of her for her accomplishment. Maybe you could add a short prologue at the end to explain some of these things and give some closure. Other that than, your descriptors were really great—my personal favorite was on page 7, “The air is thick with tension, the kind that clings to your skin,” this really helps us to understand the feeling that the narrator has before her race. Almost like she’s physically uncomfortable because of how nervous she is.
Kennedy,
Right off the bat we’re in this whir of a fast-paced setting. While I’ve never been athletic, I found myself relating either way to her character. I feel that the line spacing on the first page adds to the rest of the story- nice detail. Your descriptors are keeping me on the edge of my seat; and the realities of being behind financially are so realistic, it makes me want to help her. The dialogue is realistic and your story has even flow. The way you describe track as if it’s her lifeline, because in your story it is, is very gripping. It makes me appreciate the discipline that does go into being an athlete in general, and that being one is all that some people have for themselves. You emphasize that this is her make or break through show and not tell, too.
Caitlin,
I love the naturalism in your story, right off the bat her repeating her short grocery list as college kids have because they’re, for the most part, broke. It feels like I’m there with her when I read this story, especially as she’s describing the gold she sees. I love the vivid imagery in that part, and her own inner juxtaposed comparison. This story has such an even flow to it, and a lingering sense of loneliness as she’s separated from these experiences she’s watching, and wishing were tangible for herself. I love the smaller details like the bell duct taped to the door, it makes it a more familiar and realistic atmosphere for the reader.
Caitlyn,
This story does a great job at depicting the mental shift someone undergoes when transitioning from one environment to another. I think another thing you did really well was conveying the character of Chelsea throughout the story. Through the story, I felt like I got to know her, and the city itself came to life as a character, especially with descriptions like the one on page 2, where you mention Chelsea’s favorite building with vines and a cat on the windowsill. These rich details make the setting so vivid. I think something I’m wondering is the mention of this kind of time jump, I’m wondering what has happened her in-between the time of the story where she’s 22 and the senior prom that she mentions. With that being said, I really enjoyed this story, you did an excellent job of making everyday moments, like Chelsea shopping for groceries, feel engaging.
Kennedy,
I thought when reading your story, it felt very real and very tense as someone who ran track in high school, I was able to connect with the main character and the emotions she was feeling. The characters story also made her very easy to root for throughout the reading and as the reader you want to see her succeed at all costs. The lack of support from the characters parents also add to the feeling of wanting to see the reader succeed and so then at the end when she achieves her goal for me as the reader was refreshing and satisfying because I feel like as a reader I would’ve been let down if the character failed. One thing I think that could add more to the story would be focusing on the inner struggles the character faces and the affect it has on her as a runner. Overall, I really enjoyed this piece, and it was an enjoyable read.
Caitlin, I love this story. It’s a piece about a young woman walking to the market in a big city. More than that, it is littered with great commentary about class disparity, the way we treat others in a city, and loneliness. I really like that the story isn’t in first person, and the dialogue is minimal. I feel that this contributes to the idea that the main character lacks a voice amongst the other voices in the city. The conclusion is also fantastic and wraps up the story very well. Additionally, the descriptions throughout the story are awesome. Here’s one line that really stood out to me: ”its color worn out in the middle by the frequency at which customers like herself slide their things to the cashier” (Para 2, pg 5). One question I have is, why is she in a city now? Is it for school? How old is she? Overall, I really enjoyed reading this.
Kennedy this is a story about someone who is struggling with their home life while participating in a track meet. I really like the contrast and jumps you have created between track life and home life. There is some interesting commentary on the importance of sports here. One question I have is, how does her home life motivate her athletics? I feel like there are some assumable answers there but no flat-out explanation. One critique I have is to include a bit more dialogue. Dialogue is a great way to show, not tell, while still progressing the narrative, and I also think it would be a nice break for the readers in your current format. Overall, it is a great story that flows well and makes a point.
Caitlin
You did a really lovely job of scene-blending in this story. By that I mean I feel as though I walked with your character through the city, seeing and feeling everything she did. Your character is very introspective. She thinks about life and the world around her a lot and I think this is the right kind of character to hear the story from. I like the attention your main character pays to the space around her, not only noticing the beautiful buildings but also the homeless people who she takes time to know personally. I wonder what city this is? I don’t believe it’s mentioned but it feels like Boston, Maybe New York. A suggestion I have is maybe considering breaking up some of the longer sentences? I think this would help define the scenes the little more explicitly. Overall, your story flowed really well and painted a very pleasant scene of a lovely walk home.
Kennedy
I am not exaggerating when I say that I will be reading this story for years. I have never, in all my scribblings and writing, never once have I written something that even captured a piece of what running is to me. This was beautiful. One thing I loved so much was the way your main character had so many thoughts running through her head before and during the race. You are so correct: running is mental, especially the 1600. My only suggestion would be to write more into the actual race. Describe the details of the earlier laps, every step. Of Course my feedback is “MORE RUNNING!” but I can’t help myself. Really fantastic short story spoke to me in a big way.
Your story is really well crafted and your usage of creative writing techniques and storytelling really sets your story apart from others. Something I really appreciated and admired about how you wrote your story was your usage of perspective. It appears you have chosen to write your story in a third person point of view, which we have not really seen a lot of so far. Your story works really well in third person, maybe even better than first person because of your descriptions and setting the tone and narrative. Furthermore, the entirety of page 4 is a masterclass in describing the scene and letting us into Chelsea’s thoughts, despite her not telling the story directly. I think to be able to give a clear description of who Chelsea through third person and the idea of listing off emotions as if each person is currently passing her on the sidewalk is clever, and I can just imagine this going on in my head. However, some suggestions I have are for me personally, I am having a little difficulty understanding the actual plot of your story, as some of the moments seem a little rushed. Furthermore, I would have liked to have gotten to know a few more of the side characters, unless only defining Chelsea for literary purposes was your idea. Other than that, I really liked reading your story and I am intrigued at what you will do next.
Kennedy,
Your story for me is all about tension and anticipation, and that is helped through your incredible story idea and the way you make the main character incredibly rootable. I really like the construction of your story and the pace and tone of it really helps make your descriptions of her body almost turning against her extremely relatable. Determination and Perfectionism are two things I have struggled with my entire life, and the way you describe her going through burning lungs and extreme shortage of breath makes me remember a lot of things about determination in my life. I also really like the quote on page 3 which says “there are only two ways to do something: the correct way and again”. It is a super powerful line that lets us know more about you. I don’t even know your character’s name and yet I feel like I know everything about her, especially her dynamics. Making her teammates more reliable than her parents struck a chord with me, especially when you have that “only way out” mindset. I honestly don’t have that many suggestions to be honest, but I am super excited to see what you do next.
15 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 14”
Caitlin
Caitlin, overall I really enjoyed your story about your main character Chelsea. You wrote a short story about a young girl who is experiencing her life in a new city. She is traveling on foot to the local grocery store to get a list of food items she needs. The amount of detail you include in the story makes me feel like I am walking alongside her through life. The way you describe the people around her and the way she is going about her day intrigued me from the beginning. One spot in particular that I really liked was on p. 5 para. 2. You are describing the scene where Chelsea is paying for her groceries and write, “He puts them in a paper bag for her while she puts her card into the machine, pressing the green button, and then typing in her pin, and then pressing the green button again before pulling it back out and putting it back into its spot in her wallet”. This scene is described so well that I can see it happening right in front of me. You had my attention the entire time with this story and I love how you focused on the questions she was asking herself as went about her day. This story does make me wonder though; did you think of possibly writing the story in first person? I think that if you did it would enhance your writing even more so that we as readers can feel even more inclined to believing we are living through the eyes of Chelsea.
Kennedy
This was an incredible story about determination and persistence. You depict the story of a high schooler who is a track athlete competing in the state championship race. This runner is extremely anxious, as it is her last shot at being able to place high enough to qualify for a college scholarship and get recruited by a scout at the track meet. I especially enjoyed reading about her family background and how her family situation is not the best. Her parents are obviously not happy with one another and might be thinking about getting a divorce. On p. 3, you give insight to these issues and how they are weighing on her. They do not want to talk about her going to school and change the conversation to a completely different topic. They do not have the money to send her to college, and if they do not talk about it, they may be hoping she changes her mind about going to school. It is important to include this scene because it gives background to why she is so concerned with placing high enough to qualify for a scholarship at the championship meet. One suggestion I do have would be to include this background on her family issues earlier in the story. You have great ideas, and your writing is well rounded, but I think that if you change the order of your paragraphs, it will flow a bit better. I would take all of the information regarding the family dinner scene and move it to right after your first line break on p. 1. If you do this, you are giving the background information early, which would make her race even more remarkable. Great job!
Journal 14
Caitlin
This is so cool to read! I really liked how it moved the narrator around the city. I felt immersed in the city and wandering around it with Chelsea. There are different points that make you wonder. But the character for most of it is speaking without actually speaking. I feel like I’ve been having a little chat with her the entire time as well. I really know how she is feeling, and what she is like. You set the scene for the plot of making new friends in a large city and how different it is to be in. I think the dialogue at the end helps move the plot through the characters and gives you an idea of where it could go. I think it needs to be tied up a bit more in the end though. Just because I don’t think this story needs a cliffhanger, just because I want to know did she make friends or not, it sounds like it but I don’t know for sure.
Kennedy
I can feel the sensation of wanting to win and be successful. The external pressures of needing this from at home issues. I think that you could add a scene right before the race that will help capture how stressed the main character is before the race, besides the night before. I used to run cross country and I was stressed most of the time right before a race, and my symptoms of that really heightened during the warm ups like 20 minutes before the race starts. I knew someone that used to have to go to the bathroom like 4 times in the span of 20 minutes because they were so stressed and it seems to be a thing with runners too. I really enjoyed your descriptions and all the scenes you picked like the pasta party the night before, but I do think that talking about the warm up and the nervousness and maybe the little like sports superstitions and habits before a big race might help bring it home more.
Kennedy
This is a story about a high school track student hoping to get scouted at her state championship meet. Due to a tight financial situation, she has been training hard for this day. I really enjoyed the description you used during the race itself, I felt it accurately depicted what it feels like to be a runner in a race. I am curious if the narrator has any pre-race rituals that so many athletes tend to have, and it might be interesting to see. I also really liked seeing the family dynamic that surrounds the narrator, it almost is reflecting the pressure of the race too. While I feel like the narrator felt a lot of pressure leading up to the meet, I think it would be better to show more of that than saying she is feeling pressured or heavy. Like the scene at the restaurant the night before showed the reader this pressure instead of repeating it, which I greatly enjoyed. I think if this event is so important to her, she might get in her own head more and push herself too far on some days which could add a deeper inner conflict. Overall it looks good.
Caitlin
This is a story about a woman finding her place in a new city and travels to get a few groceries. I really liked how this was told in third person, I felt it gave some sort of depth to the narrator and those who surround her. I also greatly enjoy the amount of detail, and the writing style here with the listing, particularly in the grocery store. The way one thing is stated and then the writing says that it could actually be the opposite made the city seem more alive. How people could be happy, but they could also be miserable, they could be headed home from work, or going to clock in. It explains the variety of people who live in a condensed area nicely. I would suggest utilizing more dialogue throughout this piece, since a lot of it is chunks of texts that all mesh together, where dialogue gives your reader a break from all the information. I really liked this!
Hi Kennedy!
I really like the setting of your story and the excitement of the race.
I like the comparison of running track is like solving problems in class. “Track runners have mastered the art of processing information the same way we process pain. In the classroom, just like on the track, it’s about breaking down the distance—step by step, problem by problem.”
I love how she finds comfort in her team. It felt like they were her family. They know how important this competition is for her, while her parents could not care less. Aren’t parents usually at these competitions?
I wish your character had a name. She’s a very likeable character and it feels like we are missing something important by not knowing her name. I think it would be nice if you were to use your intro paragraph again when the character starts the race. It kind of feels like two different races and not the race that is super important. I like how we got to see the reason why the race was so important to this character. Usually, we would assume that it must be for fame and to prove that you are better than everyone. She is desperate to get out and escape the tension in her home. The lack of parental support and the description of the financial stressors on page 2, indicate the reason why she is desperate for the win.
Hey Caitlin
I liked the passage of time in this story and how it all happened within the span of an hour if not less. We see Chelsea go for a grocery run in a big city. She seems to be a post graduate student who is struggling to find peace and contentment within herself and new life. She is uncertain and goes about ‘judging’ and wondering about the people who she passes on her walk. She is interested in what they might do for a living and the kind of life they lead. I like how it ends on a hopeful note of her slowly coming out of her shell and attempting to build a relationship with her roommate. I also like how we see her empathy towards a homeless man and how she bought him snacks and water.
Some of the sentences felt like they could be shorter and split into others. It made it hard to read at times. I found the jump to her speaking to her mom about getting out of her shell, sudden. I would have liked to see it maybe after we got to see more of her personality in the story as it seemed almost random on page 1.
On page 2, para 2, she says that she sticks out like a sore thumb. I think this would be a great way to say why and how she sticks out. Other than knowing that her shoes are old and should be thrown out, I do not know much about her appearance.
“Saunter”
1: This story is about a recent college graduate who is taking on a job in the city. She understands city life, but is internally struggling to fulfill her role in it. Throughout much of the story, she is observing other people, many of whom appear to be living richer lives than her in many aspects. In the end, when she arrives home from walking and has had time to reflect on her recent life experiences, she decides to make a small change for the better in proactively seeking friendship.
2: I like how the ending is a result of the cumulative thought process she undergoes on her walk. We as the reader get the opportunity to understand how the tiny little change she makes at the end could impact her overall social network.
3: To me, it seems like a bigger change she must have made at some point recently is befriending the homeless man, Derek. What led you to choose the ending of the story to be befriending a roommate rather than her befriending the homeless dude?
4: It would be interesting to know how she got to meet Derek, and why she appeared to have an easier time talking with him as a homeless person rather than her roommates.
“1600 M”
1: This story is about a high school runner who is looking to start a new life outside of her hometown, but does not have the money to afford college. She feels the pressure of any runner before a big competition, and more, because she knows that a scholarship is her only chance of being able to go to college. In the end, she worked hard and did everything she could, which provided her a degree of comfort even amidst the uncertainty of her future.
2: I like how the runner culture is so accurately portrayed, complete with the stomach in knots before the meet and the other runners, including the late ones who are always cracking a joke. I also like that we do not know the full impact of that race on her future; the change in mindset at the end was small but evident. Instead of thinking she must get the scholarship no matter what, she comes to understand that she did everything she could to get the outcome she desired.
3: Did you choose track rather than some other sport because it was familiar to you, it captured the essence of a gritty mentality well, or for some other reason?
4: The timeline is slightly unclear; is the practice described at the beginning an example of an ordinary practice and her mentality surrounding the general experience? Or is it supposed to be close to race day, but not the night before?
Caitlin:
This was a really interesting story about the mental transition one makes when they move from one environment to a completely different one. This story was like a slice of life and I really liked that. I feel like we really got to know Chelsea throughout the story. I think you did a good job at conveying character. The city itself also feels like a character in the story, for example on page 2, “she pushes on, walking past the building which she has chosen as her favorite, which has vines growing up the sides and usually a cat sleeping on the windowsill at street level, between the window pane and the curtain that shields the inside from onlookers such as herself.” The rich descriptions like this make your city so vivid. I would like to ask about the last four years of her life though. You say that she is 22 and that her senior prom was four years ago, which leads to my question. Did she go to college? If she did, has she experienced big life changes like this before? Did she go to a community college from home, and if not, has she had other experiences that might make this move to the city less shocking for her? I’d also be interested to know why she came to the city. Was it for a job opportunity? Does she have big dreams? This was a fun read, nice work.
Kennedy:
I really enjoyed reading this story. It was such a good depiction of sport through language, and I felt it was excellent sports writing. I loved the way you captured not only the physical feelings of a runner, but also the mindset. Quotes like the one on page 3, “…we figure it out because there are only two ways to do something: the correct way and again.” really put the reader in the mindset of the character. I also thought they were relatable. I liked how strong this character was too, for example when she runs with the boys on page 1. I’ve always enjoyed stories that immerse the reader in an experience, which you did really well here. I really wanted to know more at the end. Did she get scouted? Does she get to go to college? Does she end up stuck in her own town- maybe she becomes the coach at the high school? That would be terrible- but it left me curious about the outcome. Fantastic story, well done.
Caitlin’s story was so calm and relaxing. I really enjoyed reading it, and I felt like it was very insightful on what life is like when you take a second to examine it. When walking through crowds and busy streets, you have the opportunity to see what every person is going through. I felt like this story really captured what it’s like to do that. The assumptions you make, correct or incorrect, the things you notice, the people you see and talk to. I thought Caitlin did a wonderful job of writing a character very entranced with the lives of those around her. The character’s commentary on her surroundings helped to add depth and personality to her, making the reader understand her without her really having to do anything. I enjoyed how she was kind to everyone, how she had a bit of attitude but a kind heart. That makes her very likeable. I might suggest adding parts where we see more of her behavior, but I almost prefer seeing who she is through her thoughts more.
Kennedy’s story was tense and very real. The main character had serious motivation that made the reader root for her. The description of her relationship with her parents was very realistic. They don’t have a good relationship, not because they are physically or emotionally abusive, but because they just aren’t there. The way Kennedy describes parents who are physically there but nothing else was very realistic. Describing how theybarely even looked at each other anymore, that they only focused on work, really helped the reader understand why the character is so driven. Using track as a way to escape her home life and the town she doesn’t enjoy is true to many athletes. The ending where she finally made it to the end was amazing, and gave the reader a sense of accomplishment and hope. My only advice might be to add more between the character and her parents. Make it obvious why she wants to leave.
Caitlin:
I think you did a fantastic job of capturing the mundane moments of Chelsea’s life and making them feel relatable and immersive. Your descriptions of the city, the small corner story, and the subtle dynamics of city life were vivid and created a great atmosphere. Chelsea’s internal dialogue, primarily her reflections on her past and her insecurities about belonging, felt very real and gave her character depth. I also liked how you showed her small gestures of kindness, like her interaction with Derek—it gave us a glimpse into her humanity. I also loved how intellectual she is when she catches herself imagining what other people she’s walking by is feeling and how they are sad feelings and how she could be projecting she starts to think more positively, and how she wonders if other people make up stories about her life the same way she is about them. Or when she sees how others treat Derek and hopes the city will never make her like that.
I liked how the story ended with a small step toward connection, but it might have felt stronger if we had seen more of how this moment impacted Chelsea emotionally. Expanding on her internal reaction as she starts to make dinner with Lauren could really solidify the significance of that step.
Kennedy’s Questions:
Character development and relatability:
“How well did you connect with the protagonist and their journey? Were there any moments where you felt especially engaged or disconnected from their experience?”
Pacing and tension during the race scenes:
“Did the pacing of the race and practice scenes keep you engaged? Were there moments where you felt the tension was especially high, or were there sections that felt too slow or rushed?”
Themes of perseverance and struggle:
“How well did the story convey the themes of perseverance and balancing personal struggles with athletic goals? Were there moments where these themes stood out or where you wanted to see them explored more?”
Caitilin:
“Saunter” is about a Chelsea taking on the city after being recently graduated, but is struggling to get out of shell. She ends up comparing her life to other lives and reminiscing on how other people’s lives might be so much better than her’s.
This was a great story about a girl living on her own and trying to manage with what she has but notices the other people who she thinks must have a more lavish life than her. “She looks back at them for a moment and sees a stack of gold bracelets, a gold watch, gold cufflinks, a massive sparkling engagement ring, a bag by a designer she doesn’t recognize, and blaring red shoe soles visible beneath impossibly high heels. She imagines their penthouse, overlooking the most cinematic parts of the city. Pristinely clean, a fully-stocked fridge, a treadmill in the corner of the spacious living room, in-unit washer and dryer. She looks at her chipped, red nail polish and wonders how much a manicure even costs now. “ I really liked this because It shows the comparison that goes on in someone’s head when they see someone who might have more money then themself.
A suggestion I would have is going into her backstory a little bit, like where she went to college and what she studied. But overall this was very enjoyable!
Kennedy:
“1600m” Is about a runner who wants to move on from highschool life in her hometown, but struggles being able to do that due to money. So she did everything she could to be able to achieve this dream.
I really enjoyed reading this story. It very well showed the battle in an athlete’s mind to be the best you can be. I am not a runner but your detail was perfect for the readers to be able to understand what is going on. It was so powerful the way you described her relationship with her parents, it is a piece of your story that a reader might be able to relate too. Overall your story was a great picture of the inner battles an athlete has when a sport is there way to getting out of their hometown even if it isn’t something they don’t enjoy .
Kennedy,
I really liked the way that you wrote this. I’ve never been much of a runner but I was an athlete for my entire life before college, and I think that you did a great job describing how it feels when your thoughts start affecting your confidence, and having to push through that at the same time as pushing your body to its physical limit. I like that you started to develop her relationship with her parents and her home life but I do wish that it was wrapped up a little bit. I’m wondering if she went to Stanford, if this improved or worsened her financial situation, if her parents were even at this race, if they were proud of her for her accomplishment. Maybe you could add a short prologue at the end to explain some of these things and give some closure. Other that than, your descriptors were really great—my personal favorite was on page 7, “The air is thick with tension, the kind that clings to your skin,” this really helps us to understand the feeling that the narrator has before her race. Almost like she’s physically uncomfortable because of how nervous she is.
Kennedy,
Right off the bat we’re in this whir of a fast-paced setting. While I’ve never been athletic, I found myself relating either way to her character. I feel that the line spacing on the first page adds to the rest of the story- nice detail. Your descriptors are keeping me on the edge of my seat; and the realities of being behind financially are so realistic, it makes me want to help her. The dialogue is realistic and your story has even flow. The way you describe track as if it’s her lifeline, because in your story it is, is very gripping. It makes me appreciate the discipline that does go into being an athlete in general, and that being one is all that some people have for themselves. You emphasize that this is her make or break through show and not tell, too.
Caitlin,
I love the naturalism in your story, right off the bat her repeating her short grocery list as college kids have because they’re, for the most part, broke. It feels like I’m there with her when I read this story, especially as she’s describing the gold she sees. I love the vivid imagery in that part, and her own inner juxtaposed comparison. This story has such an even flow to it, and a lingering sense of loneliness as she’s separated from these experiences she’s watching, and wishing were tangible for herself. I love the smaller details like the bell duct taped to the door, it makes it a more familiar and realistic atmosphere for the reader.
Caitlyn,
This story does a great job at depicting the mental shift someone undergoes when transitioning from one environment to another. I think another thing you did really well was conveying the character of Chelsea throughout the story. Through the story, I felt like I got to know her, and the city itself came to life as a character, especially with descriptions like the one on page 2, where you mention Chelsea’s favorite building with vines and a cat on the windowsill. These rich details make the setting so vivid. I think something I’m wondering is the mention of this kind of time jump, I’m wondering what has happened her in-between the time of the story where she’s 22 and the senior prom that she mentions. With that being said, I really enjoyed this story, you did an excellent job of making everyday moments, like Chelsea shopping for groceries, feel engaging.
Kennedy,
I thought when reading your story, it felt very real and very tense as someone who ran track in high school, I was able to connect with the main character and the emotions she was feeling. The characters story also made her very easy to root for throughout the reading and as the reader you want to see her succeed at all costs. The lack of support from the characters parents also add to the feeling of wanting to see the reader succeed and so then at the end when she achieves her goal for me as the reader was refreshing and satisfying because I feel like as a reader I would’ve been let down if the character failed. One thing I think that could add more to the story would be focusing on the inner struggles the character faces and the affect it has on her as a runner. Overall, I really enjoyed this piece, and it was an enjoyable read.
Caitlin, I love this story. It’s a piece about a young woman walking to the market in a big city. More than that, it is littered with great commentary about class disparity, the way we treat others in a city, and loneliness. I really like that the story isn’t in first person, and the dialogue is minimal. I feel that this contributes to the idea that the main character lacks a voice amongst the other voices in the city. The conclusion is also fantastic and wraps up the story very well. Additionally, the descriptions throughout the story are awesome. Here’s one line that really stood out to me: ”its color worn out in the middle by the frequency at which customers like herself slide their things to the cashier” (Para 2, pg 5). One question I have is, why is she in a city now? Is it for school? How old is she? Overall, I really enjoyed reading this.
Kennedy this is a story about someone who is struggling with their home life while participating in a track meet. I really like the contrast and jumps you have created between track life and home life. There is some interesting commentary on the importance of sports here. One question I have is, how does her home life motivate her athletics? I feel like there are some assumable answers there but no flat-out explanation. One critique I have is to include a bit more dialogue. Dialogue is a great way to show, not tell, while still progressing the narrative, and I also think it would be a nice break for the readers in your current format. Overall, it is a great story that flows well and makes a point.
Journal #14
Caitlin
You did a really lovely job of scene-blending in this story. By that I mean I feel as though I walked with your character through the city, seeing and feeling everything she did. Your character is very introspective. She thinks about life and the world around her a lot and I think this is the right kind of character to hear the story from. I like the attention your main character pays to the space around her, not only noticing the beautiful buildings but also the homeless people who she takes time to know personally. I wonder what city this is? I don’t believe it’s mentioned but it feels like Boston, Maybe New York. A suggestion I have is maybe considering breaking up some of the longer sentences? I think this would help define the scenes the little more explicitly. Overall, your story flowed really well and painted a very pleasant scene of a lovely walk home.
Kennedy
I am not exaggerating when I say that I will be reading this story for years. I have never, in all my scribblings and writing, never once have I written something that even captured a piece of what running is to me. This was beautiful. One thing I loved so much was the way your main character had so many thoughts running through her head before and during the race. You are so correct: running is mental, especially the 1600. My only suggestion would be to write more into the actual race. Describe the details of the earlier laps, every step. Of Course my feedback is “MORE RUNNING!” but I can’t help myself. Really fantastic short story spoke to me in a big way.
Caitlin,
Your story is really well crafted and your usage of creative writing techniques and storytelling really sets your story apart from others. Something I really appreciated and admired about how you wrote your story was your usage of perspective. It appears you have chosen to write your story in a third person point of view, which we have not really seen a lot of so far. Your story works really well in third person, maybe even better than first person because of your descriptions and setting the tone and narrative. Furthermore, the entirety of page 4 is a masterclass in describing the scene and letting us into Chelsea’s thoughts, despite her not telling the story directly. I think to be able to give a clear description of who Chelsea through third person and the idea of listing off emotions as if each person is currently passing her on the sidewalk is clever, and I can just imagine this going on in my head. However, some suggestions I have are for me personally, I am having a little difficulty understanding the actual plot of your story, as some of the moments seem a little rushed. Furthermore, I would have liked to have gotten to know a few more of the side characters, unless only defining Chelsea for literary purposes was your idea. Other than that, I really liked reading your story and I am intrigued at what you will do next.
Kennedy,
Your story for me is all about tension and anticipation, and that is helped through your incredible story idea and the way you make the main character incredibly rootable. I really like the construction of your story and the pace and tone of it really helps make your descriptions of her body almost turning against her extremely relatable. Determination and Perfectionism are two things I have struggled with my entire life, and the way you describe her going through burning lungs and extreme shortage of breath makes me remember a lot of things about determination in my life. I also really like the quote on page 3 which says “there are only two ways to do something: the correct way and again”. It is a super powerful line that lets us know more about you. I don’t even know your character’s name and yet I feel like I know everything about her, especially her dynamics. Making her teammates more reliable than her parents struck a chord with me, especially when you have that “only way out” mindset. I honestly don’t have that many suggestions to be honest, but I am super excited to see what you do next.