Coco, this is an amazing story. You are describing the interaction between two girls named Eva Angelina and Adrien who are living in pain. Eva has a much stronger addiction to pills and alcohol than Adrien does, but it affects both of them mentally. We see how much of a toll these addictions are having on Eva’s life, and how she does not care about what she is doing to her own body. She lives in her own world where she does not reveal much information to anyone, even her best friend, about her life. Adrien is longing to help Eva, and notices the changes in her appearance and attitude each time she sees her. We get a sense of this on p. 10 when Eva is showing the bruises on her body to Adrien. In para. 3 on this page, you say, “I can’t bring myself to whisper anymore when I say ‘If there’s so much salt in this wound you’ve kept unbandaged, let me be the one to pick out each grain.’” Your word choice in this quote is amazing, and shows how much Adrien wants to help, and notices the pain Eva is experiencing. She wants to be her safe place and act as the loving home Eva is longing for. I really like your story as it is, and do have any major recommendations for changes. I noticed some small punctuation errors in some places, which you will be able to find when you read it over before submitting your final draft. Your last sentence is so unbelievably powerful, and a sentence like this resonates with readers even after they are done reading. Great job!
Coco
This is really good! I love the descriptions of the characters. This story is about two women who are friends and one of them is really struggling with addiction and a lot of deep emotional distress and grief. I think that I need a bit more on why the main character is friends with Eva Angelina. It seems weird that she just goes along with it and doesn’t like to push anything. Like more of why she likes her as a friend and why she wants to help her. I mean she called her loser at the start. I think that more about what the not dog is? It seems like you started writing it and then got cut off. I really liked the ending, it is such a powerful piece of dialogue. The fact that it is spoken really brings it home and slams the reader.
Coco, this is such a good piece! “Anonymous” is about two girls, Eva Angelina and Adrien both who are living with a sort of pain and sadness. Through the story Adrien had the desire to help Eva Angelina as she notices the way she changes with her addictions. On page two you can already see how Adrien has noticed Eva changing, “Her isolation has manifested into the faded scars on her arms, for most of her life as I’ve come to realize, my best friend has been stuck in her head.” I really loved the fact that Adrien has so much hope for Eva, and she’s trying to understand why Eva is doing this to herself which is so powerful because it is hard to understand why someone you love doesn’t love themself. I loved your line “ Maybe the thought came from within me- a place of wanting to understand my best friend;” Your last line was so perfect and I think it wrapped up the story completely of what Adrien has been trying to tell Eva, ““You’ve only been unraveled; you’ve only been bent, not broken.” This story has no recommendations from me, I think it is so great as it is!
I really liked how vividly you brought the character of Eva Angelina to life in this story. You’ve done an incredible job capturing the complexity of her persona—her struggles, her defiance, and her vulnerability all feel real and deeply layered. The voice of the narrator is engaging, and the dynamic between them and Eva Angelina is both tender and raw, which made the piece emotionally compelling. Your use of small details, like the music choices or the way she doesn’t shiver in the cold, really helped create a full picture of her without directly spelling everything out. The emotional intensity of the piece is one of its strongest points. You make the readers feel the weight of Eva’s isolation, her self-destruction, and the narrator’s frustration and helplessness. The mix of humor, sorrow, and stark realism gives the story a unique tone that lingers long after finishing it.
Coco, this is a story about a girl the narrator befriends in college. The girl, Eva, has some challenges and struggles to take care of herself. I like the commentary on mental health and friendship you include in this story. You have some great lines in this piece. Here are two that stuck out to me: “She’s the kind of girl you never want to pregame with, every song she plays would be a skip on my own playlist, even if I were depressed enough to enjoy what she listens to” (para 3, pg 1) and “She sits there, rice cake crumbs still littering her lips” (last paragraph page two). You have done a great job showing instead of telling. Plus, there is some excellent comedic relief throughout the story, such as the first line I quoted. One question I have is how the two characters met. Eva seems very reserved and is older than the narrator, so I’m curious about what made them as close as they are. One suggestion I have is regarding the graveyard scene — Eva goes from being so drunk that she can barely form sentences to dropping these perfectly spoken and philosophical statements. Was this happening over a few hours, and she sobered up? Was this a random moment of drunk clarity? If it’s the latter, I would suggest that you still include some mispoken words or slurring in her dialogue.
Coco, I really like your writing, the characters are elegant in the way that they speak, but it feels real and genuine. It is dark but still finds ways to be naturally funny. The point of view telling the story of this friend was a good choice, it is interesting to see how the narrator views this girl. I also want to say how accurate the drunken scene was, as the dialogue and her actions mirror that of a real drunk person who is clearly hurt in some way. My only idea for a suggestion would be hearing more about how these two characters met and possibly diving into their relationship a little more, though I feel like this is already pretty polished. Just because you talk about how nobody else is friends with Eva Angelina, so why is the narrator? Overall I really enjoyed reading this.
Anonymous:
1: The story appears to be about the friendship between Eva Angelina and the narrator. This friendship is affected by the unusual mannerisms exhibited by her as a result of some untold trauma from her past. In this particular venture of theirs, she is acting very peculiar and appears to be at the breaking point. Through his continued listening, talking with her, and acceptance of her, he is finally able to help Eva talk about her past and relieve some of her pain.
2: I like how we learn so much about the characters through seamless transitions between the present moment and his memories from the past. We as the reader are given just the right amount of context in this manner to be able to understand the present moment more fully.
3: Questions: What led to the decision to have the story occur in the graveyard? It gave the story a greater sense of doom and gloom. Was that intentional?
4: How does the part about “being remembered” in the beginning connect to the present moment in the story? Or is it intended to set up the context for why she does not have many friends besides him? Maybe revealing details in the present can help accomplish that goal without any explicit statements about how the narrator perceives her.
Coco’s story was enrapturing. The main character’s interest in Eva Angelina is palpable, and the way they describe her you can really feel what they think of her. My favorite part of this story was the use of her full name. Generally, people would give her a nickname, using Eva or Angelina, or even Angie, but the use of her full name gives an insight into the opinion the character has about her. Kind of an admiration, despite the fact that Eva Angelina doesn’t seem to hold herself in such a high regard. The repitition of her name gives the reader something to focus on, almost keeping a beat within the story. Adrien’s desire to care for her, even when she is bent on getting drunk and not caring for herself, okay with staying in a rum drenched sweater. I really can’t say I have any suggestions; this story was written so well and with such care, I don’t feel like much needs to be added. The character’s interactions feel real and loaded with emotion and things unspoken. I would love to read more about them, their dynamic and relationship is interesting.
Coco
I had a feeling I would enjoy whatever story you chose to write. I was right. I’m trying to pin down what exactly makes this such an impactful story to me. It’s more than just the high quality writing, although that doesn’t hurt in the least, but substantively this story spoke to me in a deep way. I think maybe it comes down to relatability, because I think all of us have been either Adrien or Eva Angelina at some point. We’ve all had that friend we don’t know how to help. Or you are that friend that nobody knows what to do with. I love that you chose to write about the moment when Eva Angelina’s walls finally came down, and yet we as the reader can feel the months of Adrien trying to get through and getting nowhere. To me it seems they both want so badly for things to get better. Adrien wants to help and Eva Angelina wants to be helped, but to get there they have to work through the shame and uncomfortability that is essential in growing closer as friends. Really beautiful story, it was very refreshing to read something so cold and dark.
Coco,
I really enjoyed reading your story. The characters feel so real and genuine. The story is dark, but it has a counterbalance of humor which is something I really enjoyed. Your commentary on mental health and friendship was compelling and the point of view was a strong choice—it’s interesting to see how the narrator views Eva. I also think you did a great job at capturing that messy mix of hurt and drunkenness and the entirety of the drunk scene was extremely accurate. I think the way you were able to effectively show us and not tell us was another thing that stood out while I was reading. I think one question I had was how in the graveyard Eva goes from a drunken state to delivering these well-spoken philosophical lines. With that being said, this piece feels polished, and I really enjoyed it. The blend of humor, darkness, and the authenticity of the characters makes it a standout.
Coco,
I absolutely love the way that you write. Your words are very thoughtful and they effectively convey what your main character is thinking and feeling. I especially like the sentence on page 2 para. 2, “I’m scared if I push too hard against the walls that Eva Angelina has up, they’d topple over and there’d be nothing left for me to see.” This is a very concise way to show us who Eva Angelina is and what the narrator thinks about her. Also, page 3 para. 3 “She’s a door that I’ve given up knocking on.” It’s just a really beautiful way to describe somebody like her. I also like that you’ve given her this music taste that gives us even more of a glimpse inside of her self-destructive habits—most people I know are not listening to Title Fight and Radiohead constantly unless they want to continue to be miserable. You did a great job in showing the complexities of a relationship with somebody who won’t allow themself to be helped. I really love the vulnerability between the characters on the last few pages. I’m wondering though, why is it that Adrien stays? Does he pity her? For me, it’s really hard to stay in a relationship, platonic or otherwise, where the other party entirely refuses to get better, but I couldn’t recognize that it’s important to set a boundary that prevents you from enabling somebody to compound their misery until I was already out of those situations with those people. Is this Adrien’s first experience with someone like this, and he just doesn’t know how to navigate it? I’m interested to know more of his backstory and his feelings specifically regarding Eva’s behavior around recovery.
“Anonymous” is a beautiful and extremely emotional story, with an incredible story telling device. The way you describe Eva’s drunken breakdown without ever saying anything from her perspective is both clever and extremely impactful. Seeing and hearing Adrian’s thoughts on what is happening to her in real time really made me feel like I got to know both of these characters individually, especially since the way you tell Eva’s story through Adrian’s POV is so strong. I really like the word choices and writing you did in this story because it made everything so powerful. For example, when you say that ” I want to taste the salt water that’s been suffocating her while she drowns in her efforts to keep everyone at a distance. I don’t know why she’s kept me at this imaginary shoreline for so long, she knows that I want to help her. If it meant she’d feel better, I’d lick Eva Angelina’s silhouette on the off chance she’d feel my comfort in the bone of her shadow” towards the beginning of Eva’s breakdown, the metaphors here are brilliant and really drive home who Adrian is as a person. Furthermore, your word and sentence structure techniques for when Adrian is trying to be a friend to Eva are both so real and raw. When you mention him wanting to pick out each grain of salt in her wound, I felt that. You never really know what someone is going through until you really understand them. Adrian saying that he can’t fully understand what Eva is going through but it is the “same flavor” is an extremely interesting metaphor. I didn’t take it as Adrian being insensitive in a way, I took it as him being someone who can’t necessarily relate to Eva, but can be there for her. The way you tell the entire story is exceptional, and I got literal chills at your word choices. I think your pacing matches super well, your word choices and language structure is strong, and your storytelling is raw and powerful. I hope you continue to expand on this story because I am incredibly drawn in. I don’t have a lot of suggestions, to be honest. I really felt your story.
12 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 15”
Coco
Coco, this is an amazing story. You are describing the interaction between two girls named Eva Angelina and Adrien who are living in pain. Eva has a much stronger addiction to pills and alcohol than Adrien does, but it affects both of them mentally. We see how much of a toll these addictions are having on Eva’s life, and how she does not care about what she is doing to her own body. She lives in her own world where she does not reveal much information to anyone, even her best friend, about her life. Adrien is longing to help Eva, and notices the changes in her appearance and attitude each time she sees her. We get a sense of this on p. 10 when Eva is showing the bruises on her body to Adrien. In para. 3 on this page, you say, “I can’t bring myself to whisper anymore when I say ‘If there’s so much salt in this wound you’ve kept unbandaged, let me be the one to pick out each grain.’” Your word choice in this quote is amazing, and shows how much Adrien wants to help, and notices the pain Eva is experiencing. She wants to be her safe place and act as the loving home Eva is longing for. I really like your story as it is, and do have any major recommendations for changes. I noticed some small punctuation errors in some places, which you will be able to find when you read it over before submitting your final draft. Your last sentence is so unbelievably powerful, and a sentence like this resonates with readers even after they are done reading. Great job!
Coco
This is really good! I love the descriptions of the characters. This story is about two women who are friends and one of them is really struggling with addiction and a lot of deep emotional distress and grief. I think that I need a bit more on why the main character is friends with Eva Angelina. It seems weird that she just goes along with it and doesn’t like to push anything. Like more of why she likes her as a friend and why she wants to help her. I mean she called her loser at the start. I think that more about what the not dog is? It seems like you started writing it and then got cut off. I really liked the ending, it is such a powerful piece of dialogue. The fact that it is spoken really brings it home and slams the reader.
Coco:
Coco, this is such a good piece! “Anonymous” is about two girls, Eva Angelina and Adrien both who are living with a sort of pain and sadness. Through the story Adrien had the desire to help Eva Angelina as she notices the way she changes with her addictions. On page two you can already see how Adrien has noticed Eva changing, “Her isolation has manifested into the faded scars on her arms, for most of her life as I’ve come to realize, my best friend has been stuck in her head.” I really loved the fact that Adrien has so much hope for Eva, and she’s trying to understand why Eva is doing this to herself which is so powerful because it is hard to understand why someone you love doesn’t love themself. I loved your line “ Maybe the thought came from within me- a place of wanting to understand my best friend;” Your last line was so perfect and I think it wrapped up the story completely of what Adrien has been trying to tell Eva, ““You’ve only been unraveled; you’ve only been bent, not broken.” This story has no recommendations from me, I think it is so great as it is!
Coco:
I really liked how vividly you brought the character of Eva Angelina to life in this story. You’ve done an incredible job capturing the complexity of her persona—her struggles, her defiance, and her vulnerability all feel real and deeply layered. The voice of the narrator is engaging, and the dynamic between them and Eva Angelina is both tender and raw, which made the piece emotionally compelling. Your use of small details, like the music choices or the way she doesn’t shiver in the cold, really helped create a full picture of her without directly spelling everything out. The emotional intensity of the piece is one of its strongest points. You make the readers feel the weight of Eva’s isolation, her self-destruction, and the narrator’s frustration and helplessness. The mix of humor, sorrow, and stark realism gives the story a unique tone that lingers long after finishing it.
Coco, this is a story about a girl the narrator befriends in college. The girl, Eva, has some challenges and struggles to take care of herself. I like the commentary on mental health and friendship you include in this story. You have some great lines in this piece. Here are two that stuck out to me: “She’s the kind of girl you never want to pregame with, every song she plays would be a skip on my own playlist, even if I were depressed enough to enjoy what she listens to” (para 3, pg 1) and “She sits there, rice cake crumbs still littering her lips” (last paragraph page two). You have done a great job showing instead of telling. Plus, there is some excellent comedic relief throughout the story, such as the first line I quoted. One question I have is how the two characters met. Eva seems very reserved and is older than the narrator, so I’m curious about what made them as close as they are. One suggestion I have is regarding the graveyard scene — Eva goes from being so drunk that she can barely form sentences to dropping these perfectly spoken and philosophical statements. Was this happening over a few hours, and she sobered up? Was this a random moment of drunk clarity? If it’s the latter, I would suggest that you still include some mispoken words or slurring in her dialogue.
Coco, I really like your writing, the characters are elegant in the way that they speak, but it feels real and genuine. It is dark but still finds ways to be naturally funny. The point of view telling the story of this friend was a good choice, it is interesting to see how the narrator views this girl. I also want to say how accurate the drunken scene was, as the dialogue and her actions mirror that of a real drunk person who is clearly hurt in some way. My only idea for a suggestion would be hearing more about how these two characters met and possibly diving into their relationship a little more, though I feel like this is already pretty polished. Just because you talk about how nobody else is friends with Eva Angelina, so why is the narrator? Overall I really enjoyed reading this.
Anonymous:
1: The story appears to be about the friendship between Eva Angelina and the narrator. This friendship is affected by the unusual mannerisms exhibited by her as a result of some untold trauma from her past. In this particular venture of theirs, she is acting very peculiar and appears to be at the breaking point. Through his continued listening, talking with her, and acceptance of her, he is finally able to help Eva talk about her past and relieve some of her pain.
2: I like how we learn so much about the characters through seamless transitions between the present moment and his memories from the past. We as the reader are given just the right amount of context in this manner to be able to understand the present moment more fully.
3: Questions: What led to the decision to have the story occur in the graveyard? It gave the story a greater sense of doom and gloom. Was that intentional?
4: How does the part about “being remembered” in the beginning connect to the present moment in the story? Or is it intended to set up the context for why she does not have many friends besides him? Maybe revealing details in the present can help accomplish that goal without any explicit statements about how the narrator perceives her.
Coco’s story was enrapturing. The main character’s interest in Eva Angelina is palpable, and the way they describe her you can really feel what they think of her. My favorite part of this story was the use of her full name. Generally, people would give her a nickname, using Eva or Angelina, or even Angie, but the use of her full name gives an insight into the opinion the character has about her. Kind of an admiration, despite the fact that Eva Angelina doesn’t seem to hold herself in such a high regard. The repitition of her name gives the reader something to focus on, almost keeping a beat within the story. Adrien’s desire to care for her, even when she is bent on getting drunk and not caring for herself, okay with staying in a rum drenched sweater. I really can’t say I have any suggestions; this story was written so well and with such care, I don’t feel like much needs to be added. The character’s interactions feel real and loaded with emotion and things unspoken. I would love to read more about them, their dynamic and relationship is interesting.
Journal #15
Coco
I had a feeling I would enjoy whatever story you chose to write. I was right. I’m trying to pin down what exactly makes this such an impactful story to me. It’s more than just the high quality writing, although that doesn’t hurt in the least, but substantively this story spoke to me in a deep way. I think maybe it comes down to relatability, because I think all of us have been either Adrien or Eva Angelina at some point. We’ve all had that friend we don’t know how to help. Or you are that friend that nobody knows what to do with. I love that you chose to write about the moment when Eva Angelina’s walls finally came down, and yet we as the reader can feel the months of Adrien trying to get through and getting nowhere. To me it seems they both want so badly for things to get better. Adrien wants to help and Eva Angelina wants to be helped, but to get there they have to work through the shame and uncomfortability that is essential in growing closer as friends. Really beautiful story, it was very refreshing to read something so cold and dark.
Coco,
I really enjoyed reading your story. The characters feel so real and genuine. The story is dark, but it has a counterbalance of humor which is something I really enjoyed. Your commentary on mental health and friendship was compelling and the point of view was a strong choice—it’s interesting to see how the narrator views Eva. I also think you did a great job at capturing that messy mix of hurt and drunkenness and the entirety of the drunk scene was extremely accurate. I think the way you were able to effectively show us and not tell us was another thing that stood out while I was reading. I think one question I had was how in the graveyard Eva goes from a drunken state to delivering these well-spoken philosophical lines. With that being said, this piece feels polished, and I really enjoyed it. The blend of humor, darkness, and the authenticity of the characters makes it a standout.
Coco,
I absolutely love the way that you write. Your words are very thoughtful and they effectively convey what your main character is thinking and feeling. I especially like the sentence on page 2 para. 2, “I’m scared if I push too hard against the walls that Eva Angelina has up, they’d topple over and there’d be nothing left for me to see.” This is a very concise way to show us who Eva Angelina is and what the narrator thinks about her. Also, page 3 para. 3 “She’s a door that I’ve given up knocking on.” It’s just a really beautiful way to describe somebody like her. I also like that you’ve given her this music taste that gives us even more of a glimpse inside of her self-destructive habits—most people I know are not listening to Title Fight and Radiohead constantly unless they want to continue to be miserable. You did a great job in showing the complexities of a relationship with somebody who won’t allow themself to be helped. I really love the vulnerability between the characters on the last few pages. I’m wondering though, why is it that Adrien stays? Does he pity her? For me, it’s really hard to stay in a relationship, platonic or otherwise, where the other party entirely refuses to get better, but I couldn’t recognize that it’s important to set a boundary that prevents you from enabling somebody to compound their misery until I was already out of those situations with those people. Is this Adrien’s first experience with someone like this, and he just doesn’t know how to navigate it? I’m interested to know more of his backstory and his feelings specifically regarding Eva’s behavior around recovery.
Coco
“Anonymous” is a beautiful and extremely emotional story, with an incredible story telling device. The way you describe Eva’s drunken breakdown without ever saying anything from her perspective is both clever and extremely impactful. Seeing and hearing Adrian’s thoughts on what is happening to her in real time really made me feel like I got to know both of these characters individually, especially since the way you tell Eva’s story through Adrian’s POV is so strong. I really like the word choices and writing you did in this story because it made everything so powerful. For example, when you say that ” I want to taste the salt water that’s been suffocating her while she drowns in her efforts to keep everyone at a distance. I don’t know why she’s kept me at this imaginary shoreline for so long, she knows that I want to help her. If it meant she’d feel better, I’d lick Eva Angelina’s silhouette on the off chance she’d feel my comfort in the bone of her shadow” towards the beginning of Eva’s breakdown, the metaphors here are brilliant and really drive home who Adrian is as a person. Furthermore, your word and sentence structure techniques for when Adrian is trying to be a friend to Eva are both so real and raw. When you mention him wanting to pick out each grain of salt in her wound, I felt that. You never really know what someone is going through until you really understand them. Adrian saying that he can’t fully understand what Eva is going through but it is the “same flavor” is an extremely interesting metaphor. I didn’t take it as Adrian being insensitive in a way, I took it as him being someone who can’t necessarily relate to Eva, but can be there for her. The way you tell the entire story is exceptional, and I got literal chills at your word choices. I think your pacing matches super well, your word choices and language structure is strong, and your storytelling is raw and powerful. I hope you continue to expand on this story because I am incredibly drawn in. I don’t have a lot of suggestions, to be honest. I really felt your story.