Kennedy, I really liked how you separated your “chapters” by time in this story. This is a story about a woman who is going about her normal day in New York, when disaster strikes. She is in the middle of typing a report when she feels the building shake and sees the North Tower fall. A former firefighter tries guiding them out of the building and down the stairs. I love how your title fits with the small detail of what Kelly remembers from that day. Your descriptive voice is apparent throughout, and makes for a gut-wrenching story. The way you write makes the story seem busy and rushed, but in a way that a story like this should. I love how you included the boy who saved all of them wearing a red bandana, that was visible even through all of the fire and smoke. This small touch really wraps up your entire story, since it is such a small element with a much larger significance. I do have a question about how old this “boy” really is. You mention that he is a former firefighter, but when you are using the term boy instead of man, it makes me think of someone ages 10-17. Overall, this was a great story.
Edward
The element I appreciated most with your novel start, was your immense amount of details for the setting of your story. It seems that you are describing a story during a Viking era, showcasing what life is like in Bode’s world. He has magical powers that required him to get a wizarding license and mandatory training. Within this novel start, there is mention of a different planet, that is one that does not actually exist. You provide a ton of necessary background information, and I think that where you added it works well with where you are intending on having the rest of the story go. I am really liking your novel start so far, and it is unlike any others that we have read thus far. I especially like your pages that talk about the growing organisms that were being discovered throughout the land. I hope that these organisms play a larger role throughout the rest of your novel, and you introduce others like them. You have so many interesting ideas, and I am interested in seeing how you further this story even more.
Kennedy, this is a story about 9/11, told from the perspective of one of the strangers that, Welles Crowther, a stock trader, saved that day. It’s clear you did some research for this piece or are very well-versed in the subject. I liked that you used real streets, shops, and people in the story, as it makes the setting really clear for the reader. This story seems like an adaptation of the 2017 movie Man in Red Bandana or the 2013 book The Man in the Red Bandana. I really love the elevator scene where one person is relieved they weren’t late to work. I had a family member that was supposed to be in the South Tower that day. Thank god, he was late to work. So, that scene really hit home. I do wish that you had been a touch more creative with your setting and characters, as this feels more like a dramatic reenactment than literary fiction — What genre were you going for here? But because you chose real characters, I think, especially in this context, that it would be inappropriate to create fake thoughts, behaviors, actions, settings, etc. It’s a tough line to balance. You have chosen to write about a hugely impactful event, and I think the story could do a better job of showing the pain and terror people were going through that day. I want to be emotionally attached to the characters, but as of right now, I’m not. I think the narrator and Crowther need a lot more background. Also, this is just a personal thing, but I think the ending of the story comes off a touch too Hallmarkish. Yes, the narrator can be happy she survived, but feeling at peace immediately after such a traumatic event feels like a cop-out. Survivors’ guilt should be addressed in more depth. This is an interesting story, but if you want to cover a topic this serious, I think that it needs to better acknowledge how traumatic this situation was, even for survivors.
Edward this is a fantasy story that takes place in a medieval time period and involves magic and space. Admittedly, this is not a genre I’m well versed in, so I am struggling to provide you with feedback. I will say that I felt like you introduced a lot of different things in this chapter, and it felt a touch overwhelming as a reader. That being said, it could just be because I’m not used to this genre. One question I have is if there are different types of tribes or creatures in the story (such as in the Hobbit stories), and if so, how do they feel about each other? I think you began to address that, but a more clear-cut scene showing that may be helpful.
Edward
I really liked this. It is a mashup of fantasy and sci fi. That is so cool. I really liked how your species and the world are built by using scientific terms. But I think that you build a lot of the species and I want to know more about the painting of the landscapes and the space between them. That might help ground your story and the events and characters to each other. This is a genre that I enjoy writing in my spare time. Maybe bring some politics of the world and worlds into it a bit more. I do want more clarification on what world or planet or if they are on the same planet a bit more. How much tech and abilities each have. Why does Dominus want to dominate the world?
Kennedy
I really liked this. This story is about a survivor of 9/11, and grief.The time parts were cool having it split like that. It moves the story forward in time and changes a lot, speeds it up. Makes the reader run through a bit. Maybe slow down in some more areas in the start and foreshadow. I think that it had a lot of action in it which kept the story going. The dialogue really pushed it forward. Think a bit more after more about the grief of the shock and fear and trauma.
“The Red Bandana” is a story about 9/11 that is told by a stranger going about his everyday life when the towers were hit and he was helped by the man in the red bandana (Welles Crowther). Kennedy, I enjoyed the story that you used times throughout the story. It made me able to know the timeline within your story. Though this is a heavy topic I can tell it was well-researched. I enjoyed all the detail throughout like how you said “The air was thick with the hum of the city, the distant roar of traffic like the steady beat of a heart, and the cars merely the blood pumping through.” That gave a great description of New York City. Something I did enjoy is how you used real places like Pete’s coffee shop in the beginning. I think it would have been a little better to show more of the chaos when the North Tower was hit. I also think it might be a good idea to change the title of your story as there is a popular movie “Man in Red Bandana” about Welles Crowther and having a similar title might make people think you are going off of that so that did get me thinking that you were going off of the story about Welles Crowther and not something new, while it was still enjoyable I think more background would have been great to know throughout the story.
Edward:
Edward, I like how different your story was by the fact it was sci-fi. I think you had great world-building and was able to immerse myself in this world you created. You showcased the life Bode has with magical powers that make him need to get a wizarding license and go through training in great detail that is necessary to understand your story. The only recommendation I have is that it seemed like so much was thrown at the reader at once which made it a little overwhelming to try and keep track of, but because I don’t read too much Sci-fi this might just be normal But overall Your story was great and different which made me enjoy it and I am excited to see where your story goes!
“The Red Bandana”
1: The story appeared to be about a woman’s morning in the city prior to and during the collapse of the twin towers. It was heavily focussed on her feelings and overall sentiment surrounding the evacuation process and aftermath, especially gratitude. The story is also about a boy in a red bandana and his heroics through doing his best to save as many people as possible.
2: The ending was very satisfying: I thought it was nice that the gratitude for people like the bandana boy who helped to evacuate others came out of all of the negative circumstances surrounding the collapse. I also liked how we saw the beginning of the woman’s day so that we could, as readers, see what a normal day is like and what was being lost with the collapse of the world trade centers.
3: Is the woman representative an average person whose life was dramatically affected by the collapse of the world trade centers? Is the bandana boy totally made up, or is he somewhat based on real life?
4: I really liked the way it was told. Perhaps the ending could show a little bit more of the reactions of the other people outside of the twin towers. Maybe we could also get a small hint of the community that bonded Americans, especially New Yorkers, after the 9/11 attacks.
At what point did you know what the story was about? Did I reveal too much too soon, or did you feel the pacing was effective in building the tension?
How well did the story incorporate real-life elements of 9/11? Did you feel these details enhanced or distracted from the character’s journey?
Is there anything you would have liked to see explored further? Did you feel any part of the story needed more or less detail?
Edward:
The level of detail you’ve woven into the environment, from the marketplace scenes to Dominus’s philosophical reflections, really immerses the reader in the universe. These elements make it easy to picture the setting and understand the stakes of the impending comet and Dominus’s plan. The switching between Bode, Dominus, and Istus gives an engaging range of viewpoints, showing the impact of larger forces on different characters and suggesting moral ambiguity in how they approach their circumstances.
As an opening, it might benefit from sharper clarity on what immediate stakes Bode faces and how Dominus’s plans tie in. Balancing world-building with hints of the primary conflict or Bode’s initial goals could anchor the reader more firmly in the story’s direction. I also feel Istus’s scene is intriguing but may feel sudden, as it’s unclear how his actions tie into the larger story. Adding hints about his motivations or his role within the mind-flayer hierarchy might solidify his place in the narrative.
Kennedy
This is a story from the tragedy of 9/11, one woman’s perspective who worked in the South tower that day. It is also a story of bravery, which mainly comes from the guy in the red bandana, but the firefighters, and the narrator too. I liked the amount of descriptors you added into this, it made it feel so real, and I think all of us have seen footage of the attack at one point or another, which brings us even closer to those details. I also like the incorporation of the timestamps. They help ground the reader, and quite literally puts a clock on the events of the day. I would suggest somehow adding to the tension before the first plane hits. I understand that it was a very sudden attack, but adding more details to the minutes before might create more dread in the reader’s mind. Overall this was a really interesting story that you outlined well.
Edward
I liked how you approached doing a first chapter for a novel, I think you went about the sci-fi/fantasy genre well. The amount of detail especially in the beginning was nice to allow the reader to adjust to the world by immediate immersion. It can be hard with this genre since a lot of the exposition can trend toward info-dumping. If you were to continue writing this as a novel I would consider breaking up some of this information into further chapters. I would suggest finding ways to break up your paragraphs more, as they are large chunks of texts that I find myself getting caught up in. Providing some more breaks can be helpful to keep the reader engaged more thoroughly. I think I might also suggest some more dialogue, for similar reasons to the paragraph chunks. I will say that I did enjoy this.
Kennedy,
Your story is about an average woman and her experience in the South Tower on 9/11. I really like that you gave timestamps to bring us through this day in her life, I think that it gave a really clear sense as to how close in time we are to this tragedy, and at the beginning it creates tension as we grow closer to the time of the attack, though of course the main character doesn’t know this yet. The way that you use language to drag this out is really great, too, you really set the scene well, especially with things like “I could feel it creeping along the floor, a suffocating blanket that seemed to cling to everything it touched” on page 4, and “The stairwell stretched into eternity” on page 7. These show how the narrator is seeing and feeling things really effectively. I wish, though, that the ending didn’t seem so peaceful. I have respect for her relief that she survived the plane crashing into the building but I’m not so sure that she’d even be very happy to be alive at this point, nor so confident in the idea that she will still be alive for much longer. Also from a logistical standpoint if she had inhaled so much smoke I am not sure she would be having such an easy time breathing yet either. It is likely that she would be having some sort of respiratory episode or that at the very least she would be in excruciating pain every time she tried to breathe. Unfortunately this sort of pulled me out of it at the end.
Edward,
Your story is a fantasy novel start. I think that there is a lot of information here, and if it were a full-length novel it probably wouldn’t all have to be in the first 10 pages and some of these things could be introduced later on. I would have liked to understand more of the setting too, like what the landscape looks like and an explanation of their way of life as well as Bode’s social status in this society. It sort of feels like it’s assumed that the reader already understands all of these terms and practices and such. I also would suggest breaking these pieces of text into paragraphs as some of them stretch for several pages and makes it sort of hard to read. I thought it was very creative though, and like your last story you have a really immersive way of describing things that definitely pulls a reader in.
Kennedy,
This story captures the tragedy of 9/11 from the perspective of a woman who worked in the South Tower that day, highlighting acts of bravery, especially from the man in the red bandana, Welles Crowther. Your use of vivid descriptions brings the events to life, grounding readers in the scene, particularly through the incorporation of timestamps, which give the narrative a ticking-clock tension and that’ something I liked throughout the read. With that being said, I think that some more buildup before the first plane’s impact could add more tension to your story because the reader knows what’s going to happen already, so I think adding some more would help. Another thing, I think the ending was a little to “Disney” like where the character is obviously happy, she survived but I think if you showed some guilt the character shows it would be a more believable ending.
Edward,
I thought you did a great job at establishing a novel start and did a nice job at submerging the reader into the setting where you gave us the details of a sci-fi/fantasy world. I think the way you did this was extremely effective for me because it eased me into Bode’s unique Viking-inspired realm. Another thing I liked was your description of f Bode’s setting, especially the discovery of strange, growing organisms, add a fascinating layer that could serve as a powerful element in the story’s progression. One thing I would recommend is if you’re planning on expanidnng this into a typical full novel, I think you could benefit from breaking up osme of the paragraphs so that they aren’t so long for the reader. Overall, this novel start feels fresh and original and I enjoyed what you did so far and I look foward to seing how this progresses.
I really like how you combined genres like Fantasy/Science Fiction, mainly because I feel like these two genres are rarely ever combined, despite having a lot of similarities. Something I liked about your story was the feeling of isolation and dread I felt towards the end of the story, especially when the voice on the loudspeaker said on page 9 “Sewage Leakage at Sector F7 at the Thrall’s Headquarters,”. It reminded me of something I might hear in a Horror/Sci-Fi film, like “Alien” or “Galaxy of Terror”, so it gave me chills. Especially since you introduce elements of thriller and horror by mentioning the “Undead” and other monsters. For me, I would like to hear a little bit more about the Undead and maybe bring in more of that horror. I feel like it could make the story a lot more tense. I am left wondering what is gonna happen next, which is a good thing. I feel like the fantasy elements gets a little lost for me, because it almost felt like two different stories split in half at times. I think if your idea is combining two genres, my suggestion would be not to break them up. You want to avoid making the first half fantasy without the sci-fi and the second half vice versa. It also made me lose the actual story a bit, but I really like your concepts and your descriptions. Overall, I really enjoyed reading it and I can’t wait to see what’s next.
Kennedy,
Oh my god, you’re story made me so emotional. The way you describe the horrific events on September 11th are brutal, When you mention the sound of the glass shattering and fire roaring, it was extremely horrific. It reminded me of that film “United 93”, which is one of the most disturbing things ever put on film. Your story isn’t just amazing, it’s haunting, and it’s raw. It’s so painful to think about this event play out in my head. What really got me was on page 9, when you mention the people jumping out of the tower. That image will stick with me for the rest of my life. What really sold it for me was how realistic Kelly’s reaction is. It made me feel not only for the victims, but for her. It is a sense of survivor’s guilt in a way and shows how traumatic this event was for everyone. Furthermore, page 2 made me stop reading for a second, when you put in this line: “My cubicle was tucked near the corner, right by the window,
where the view was worth everything. From my desk, I could see the entire city sprawling below,
cars dotting the streets, and people bustling down the sidewalk like ants. It was breathtaking, and
no matter how many days passed, I never got tired of it. The office itself was a maze of cubicles,
divided by partitions that gave us a semblance of privacy. It was quiet as we settled into our
routines—people typing, phones ringing in the background—just another normal day.” That is one of the most disturbing uses of foreshadowing I have ever seen, and the way you transition to the tragedy gave me literal chills. Despite not knowing a lot about Kelly, you really made me attached to her. Your story is just so haunting and will stick with me forever.
Edward
Really cool chapter opener. I think it was a really good idea to open with the dramatic event you did, before pivoting to some world and story building. You seem to have chosen a medieval vibe, but in a world where species are capable of interplanetary travel. Really cool! I wonder how much “magic’ has helped speed this process up. Also, casually describing the entire evolution of a species is something I’m not sure I’ve ever seen done before. I was thinking maybe during your first bit, it might improve the reader’s experience if you chose to italicize your main character’s thoughts. This would simply help emphasize your main character’s thoughts, I think. I think in the latter it wouldn’t be a bad idea to break up your paragraphs. They get pretty darn long, and paragraph breaks can help emphasize points and shift focus. All in all a cool story, I’d have kept reading.
Kennedy
Love the opening. It’s so New York (which is a good thing), if you’re going New York, go all the way. Right off the bat I love how you choose to personify the city, comparing it to a beating heart pumping blood. Such a simple thing really makes the pain of what happened on that day so much more real and more intense. Then there’s the imagery and descriptions you use: the fireman walking up the stairs, a single unit. The smoke and the heat. I have watched probably 15 hours of 911 footage, and yet this felt so fucking real. Suggestions are all small. I think she should be looking out the window and see the plane hit the North Tower. Maybe that feels a little silly, but at the same time someone up there watched it happen, why not her. Second and last suggestion is for the title. Thoughts on “The Boy with the Red Bandana”? It feels maybe perfectly misleading somehow. Great story.
Kennedy:
Kennedy this was a really well researched look into a real life event. I was impressed by your attention to detail and the thought you put into this story. I really liked the way you bright us through the story using time signatures. It took me a minute to figure out where the story was headed, but when I did, those time signatures really added to the tension. I also liked how the beginning of the story kept the reader in a false sense of security, I thought that really added to the immersive quality of this piece. Reading this piece made me wonder what the story would be like if it was from a different point of view. I feel like depending on the person telling the story we could get some very different angles that could be really interesting to explore. I also am curious about how Kelly could tell that this man was so young. Would he really pull down his bandana in the building? And even if he did would people be able to see how old he was? Maybe if you move that part to when they have made it outside it might make more sense. Overall great work.
Edward:
Edward, this was really interesting. The scientific details you included really added to the sense of realism you created, and I liked how deeply you had thought about this entire world. You did a really good job exploring a different universe and I can see you put a lot of thought into the setting. Personally, I like the idea of reorganizing your story. Perhaps if you put the section with Bode at the very end, that would give us more of an idea of what’s happening. Also your scientific specificity was really good; however, maybe if you gave us those scientific details in shorter bursts it would be easier to comprehend for the reader. I think starting with Dominus would make the transition between high fantasy and science fiction elements a little smoother. Generally super interesting, excited to see where it goes!
12 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 16”
Kennedy
Kennedy, I really liked how you separated your “chapters” by time in this story. This is a story about a woman who is going about her normal day in New York, when disaster strikes. She is in the middle of typing a report when she feels the building shake and sees the North Tower fall. A former firefighter tries guiding them out of the building and down the stairs. I love how your title fits with the small detail of what Kelly remembers from that day. Your descriptive voice is apparent throughout, and makes for a gut-wrenching story. The way you write makes the story seem busy and rushed, but in a way that a story like this should. I love how you included the boy who saved all of them wearing a red bandana, that was visible even through all of the fire and smoke. This small touch really wraps up your entire story, since it is such a small element with a much larger significance. I do have a question about how old this “boy” really is. You mention that he is a former firefighter, but when you are using the term boy instead of man, it makes me think of someone ages 10-17. Overall, this was a great story.
Edward
The element I appreciated most with your novel start, was your immense amount of details for the setting of your story. It seems that you are describing a story during a Viking era, showcasing what life is like in Bode’s world. He has magical powers that required him to get a wizarding license and mandatory training. Within this novel start, there is mention of a different planet, that is one that does not actually exist. You provide a ton of necessary background information, and I think that where you added it works well with where you are intending on having the rest of the story go. I am really liking your novel start so far, and it is unlike any others that we have read thus far. I especially like your pages that talk about the growing organisms that were being discovered throughout the land. I hope that these organisms play a larger role throughout the rest of your novel, and you introduce others like them. You have so many interesting ideas, and I am interested in seeing how you further this story even more.
Kennedy, this is a story about 9/11, told from the perspective of one of the strangers that, Welles Crowther, a stock trader, saved that day. It’s clear you did some research for this piece or are very well-versed in the subject. I liked that you used real streets, shops, and people in the story, as it makes the setting really clear for the reader. This story seems like an adaptation of the 2017 movie Man in Red Bandana or the 2013 book The Man in the Red Bandana. I really love the elevator scene where one person is relieved they weren’t late to work. I had a family member that was supposed to be in the South Tower that day. Thank god, he was late to work. So, that scene really hit home. I do wish that you had been a touch more creative with your setting and characters, as this feels more like a dramatic reenactment than literary fiction — What genre were you going for here? But because you chose real characters, I think, especially in this context, that it would be inappropriate to create fake thoughts, behaviors, actions, settings, etc. It’s a tough line to balance. You have chosen to write about a hugely impactful event, and I think the story could do a better job of showing the pain and terror people were going through that day. I want to be emotionally attached to the characters, but as of right now, I’m not. I think the narrator and Crowther need a lot more background. Also, this is just a personal thing, but I think the ending of the story comes off a touch too Hallmarkish. Yes, the narrator can be happy she survived, but feeling at peace immediately after such a traumatic event feels like a cop-out. Survivors’ guilt should be addressed in more depth. This is an interesting story, but if you want to cover a topic this serious, I think that it needs to better acknowledge how traumatic this situation was, even for survivors.
Edward this is a fantasy story that takes place in a medieval time period and involves magic and space. Admittedly, this is not a genre I’m well versed in, so I am struggling to provide you with feedback. I will say that I felt like you introduced a lot of different things in this chapter, and it felt a touch overwhelming as a reader. That being said, it could just be because I’m not used to this genre. One question I have is if there are different types of tribes or creatures in the story (such as in the Hobbit stories), and if so, how do they feel about each other? I think you began to address that, but a more clear-cut scene showing that may be helpful.
Edward
I really liked this. It is a mashup of fantasy and sci fi. That is so cool. I really liked how your species and the world are built by using scientific terms. But I think that you build a lot of the species and I want to know more about the painting of the landscapes and the space between them. That might help ground your story and the events and characters to each other. This is a genre that I enjoy writing in my spare time. Maybe bring some politics of the world and worlds into it a bit more. I do want more clarification on what world or planet or if they are on the same planet a bit more. How much tech and abilities each have. Why does Dominus want to dominate the world?
Kennedy
I really liked this. This story is about a survivor of 9/11, and grief.The time parts were cool having it split like that. It moves the story forward in time and changes a lot, speeds it up. Makes the reader run through a bit. Maybe slow down in some more areas in the start and foreshadow. I think that it had a lot of action in it which kept the story going. The dialogue really pushed it forward. Think a bit more after more about the grief of the shock and fear and trauma.
Kennedy:
“The Red Bandana” is a story about 9/11 that is told by a stranger going about his everyday life when the towers were hit and he was helped by the man in the red bandana (Welles Crowther). Kennedy, I enjoyed the story that you used times throughout the story. It made me able to know the timeline within your story. Though this is a heavy topic I can tell it was well-researched. I enjoyed all the detail throughout like how you said “The air was thick with the hum of the city, the distant roar of traffic like the steady beat of a heart, and the cars merely the blood pumping through.” That gave a great description of New York City. Something I did enjoy is how you used real places like Pete’s coffee shop in the beginning. I think it would have been a little better to show more of the chaos when the North Tower was hit. I also think it might be a good idea to change the title of your story as there is a popular movie “Man in Red Bandana” about Welles Crowther and having a similar title might make people think you are going off of that so that did get me thinking that you were going off of the story about Welles Crowther and not something new, while it was still enjoyable I think more background would have been great to know throughout the story.
Edward:
Edward, I like how different your story was by the fact it was sci-fi. I think you had great world-building and was able to immerse myself in this world you created. You showcased the life Bode has with magical powers that make him need to get a wizarding license and go through training in great detail that is necessary to understand your story. The only recommendation I have is that it seemed like so much was thrown at the reader at once which made it a little overwhelming to try and keep track of, but because I don’t read too much Sci-fi this might just be normal But overall Your story was great and different which made me enjoy it and I am excited to see where your story goes!
“The Red Bandana”
1: The story appeared to be about a woman’s morning in the city prior to and during the collapse of the twin towers. It was heavily focussed on her feelings and overall sentiment surrounding the evacuation process and aftermath, especially gratitude. The story is also about a boy in a red bandana and his heroics through doing his best to save as many people as possible.
2: The ending was very satisfying: I thought it was nice that the gratitude for people like the bandana boy who helped to evacuate others came out of all of the negative circumstances surrounding the collapse. I also liked how we saw the beginning of the woman’s day so that we could, as readers, see what a normal day is like and what was being lost with the collapse of the world trade centers.
3: Is the woman representative an average person whose life was dramatically affected by the collapse of the world trade centers? Is the bandana boy totally made up, or is he somewhat based on real life?
4: I really liked the way it was told. Perhaps the ending could show a little bit more of the reactions of the other people outside of the twin towers. Maybe we could also get a small hint of the community that bonded Americans, especially New Yorkers, after the 9/11 attacks.
Kennedy’s Questions:
At what point did you know what the story was about? Did I reveal too much too soon, or did you feel the pacing was effective in building the tension?
How well did the story incorporate real-life elements of 9/11? Did you feel these details enhanced or distracted from the character’s journey?
Is there anything you would have liked to see explored further? Did you feel any part of the story needed more or less detail?
Edward:
The level of detail you’ve woven into the environment, from the marketplace scenes to Dominus’s philosophical reflections, really immerses the reader in the universe. These elements make it easy to picture the setting and understand the stakes of the impending comet and Dominus’s plan. The switching between Bode, Dominus, and Istus gives an engaging range of viewpoints, showing the impact of larger forces on different characters and suggesting moral ambiguity in how they approach their circumstances.
As an opening, it might benefit from sharper clarity on what immediate stakes Bode faces and how Dominus’s plans tie in. Balancing world-building with hints of the primary conflict or Bode’s initial goals could anchor the reader more firmly in the story’s direction. I also feel Istus’s scene is intriguing but may feel sudden, as it’s unclear how his actions tie into the larger story. Adding hints about his motivations or his role within the mind-flayer hierarchy might solidify his place in the narrative.
Kennedy
This is a story from the tragedy of 9/11, one woman’s perspective who worked in the South tower that day. It is also a story of bravery, which mainly comes from the guy in the red bandana, but the firefighters, and the narrator too. I liked the amount of descriptors you added into this, it made it feel so real, and I think all of us have seen footage of the attack at one point or another, which brings us even closer to those details. I also like the incorporation of the timestamps. They help ground the reader, and quite literally puts a clock on the events of the day. I would suggest somehow adding to the tension before the first plane hits. I understand that it was a very sudden attack, but adding more details to the minutes before might create more dread in the reader’s mind. Overall this was a really interesting story that you outlined well.
Edward
I liked how you approached doing a first chapter for a novel, I think you went about the sci-fi/fantasy genre well. The amount of detail especially in the beginning was nice to allow the reader to adjust to the world by immediate immersion. It can be hard with this genre since a lot of the exposition can trend toward info-dumping. If you were to continue writing this as a novel I would consider breaking up some of this information into further chapters. I would suggest finding ways to break up your paragraphs more, as they are large chunks of texts that I find myself getting caught up in. Providing some more breaks can be helpful to keep the reader engaged more thoroughly. I think I might also suggest some more dialogue, for similar reasons to the paragraph chunks. I will say that I did enjoy this.
Kennedy,
Your story is about an average woman and her experience in the South Tower on 9/11. I really like that you gave timestamps to bring us through this day in her life, I think that it gave a really clear sense as to how close in time we are to this tragedy, and at the beginning it creates tension as we grow closer to the time of the attack, though of course the main character doesn’t know this yet. The way that you use language to drag this out is really great, too, you really set the scene well, especially with things like “I could feel it creeping along the floor, a suffocating blanket that seemed to cling to everything it touched” on page 4, and “The stairwell stretched into eternity” on page 7. These show how the narrator is seeing and feeling things really effectively. I wish, though, that the ending didn’t seem so peaceful. I have respect for her relief that she survived the plane crashing into the building but I’m not so sure that she’d even be very happy to be alive at this point, nor so confident in the idea that she will still be alive for much longer. Also from a logistical standpoint if she had inhaled so much smoke I am not sure she would be having such an easy time breathing yet either. It is likely that she would be having some sort of respiratory episode or that at the very least she would be in excruciating pain every time she tried to breathe. Unfortunately this sort of pulled me out of it at the end.
Edward,
Your story is a fantasy novel start. I think that there is a lot of information here, and if it were a full-length novel it probably wouldn’t all have to be in the first 10 pages and some of these things could be introduced later on. I would have liked to understand more of the setting too, like what the landscape looks like and an explanation of their way of life as well as Bode’s social status in this society. It sort of feels like it’s assumed that the reader already understands all of these terms and practices and such. I also would suggest breaking these pieces of text into paragraphs as some of them stretch for several pages and makes it sort of hard to read. I thought it was very creative though, and like your last story you have a really immersive way of describing things that definitely pulls a reader in.
Kennedy,
This story captures the tragedy of 9/11 from the perspective of a woman who worked in the South Tower that day, highlighting acts of bravery, especially from the man in the red bandana, Welles Crowther. Your use of vivid descriptions brings the events to life, grounding readers in the scene, particularly through the incorporation of timestamps, which give the narrative a ticking-clock tension and that’ something I liked throughout the read. With that being said, I think that some more buildup before the first plane’s impact could add more tension to your story because the reader knows what’s going to happen already, so I think adding some more would help. Another thing, I think the ending was a little to “Disney” like where the character is obviously happy, she survived but I think if you showed some guilt the character shows it would be a more believable ending.
Edward,
I thought you did a great job at establishing a novel start and did a nice job at submerging the reader into the setting where you gave us the details of a sci-fi/fantasy world. I think the way you did this was extremely effective for me because it eased me into Bode’s unique Viking-inspired realm. Another thing I liked was your description of f Bode’s setting, especially the discovery of strange, growing organisms, add a fascinating layer that could serve as a powerful element in the story’s progression. One thing I would recommend is if you’re planning on expanidnng this into a typical full novel, I think you could benefit from breaking up osme of the paragraphs so that they aren’t so long for the reader. Overall, this novel start feels fresh and original and I enjoyed what you did so far and I look foward to seing how this progresses.
Edward,
I really like how you combined genres like Fantasy/Science Fiction, mainly because I feel like these two genres are rarely ever combined, despite having a lot of similarities. Something I liked about your story was the feeling of isolation and dread I felt towards the end of the story, especially when the voice on the loudspeaker said on page 9 “Sewage Leakage at Sector F7 at the Thrall’s Headquarters,”. It reminded me of something I might hear in a Horror/Sci-Fi film, like “Alien” or “Galaxy of Terror”, so it gave me chills. Especially since you introduce elements of thriller and horror by mentioning the “Undead” and other monsters. For me, I would like to hear a little bit more about the Undead and maybe bring in more of that horror. I feel like it could make the story a lot more tense. I am left wondering what is gonna happen next, which is a good thing. I feel like the fantasy elements gets a little lost for me, because it almost felt like two different stories split in half at times. I think if your idea is combining two genres, my suggestion would be not to break them up. You want to avoid making the first half fantasy without the sci-fi and the second half vice versa. It also made me lose the actual story a bit, but I really like your concepts and your descriptions. Overall, I really enjoyed reading it and I can’t wait to see what’s next.
Kennedy,
Oh my god, you’re story made me so emotional. The way you describe the horrific events on September 11th are brutal, When you mention the sound of the glass shattering and fire roaring, it was extremely horrific. It reminded me of that film “United 93”, which is one of the most disturbing things ever put on film. Your story isn’t just amazing, it’s haunting, and it’s raw. It’s so painful to think about this event play out in my head. What really got me was on page 9, when you mention the people jumping out of the tower. That image will stick with me for the rest of my life. What really sold it for me was how realistic Kelly’s reaction is. It made me feel not only for the victims, but for her. It is a sense of survivor’s guilt in a way and shows how traumatic this event was for everyone. Furthermore, page 2 made me stop reading for a second, when you put in this line: “My cubicle was tucked near the corner, right by the window,
where the view was worth everything. From my desk, I could see the entire city sprawling below,
cars dotting the streets, and people bustling down the sidewalk like ants. It was breathtaking, and
no matter how many days passed, I never got tired of it. The office itself was a maze of cubicles,
divided by partitions that gave us a semblance of privacy. It was quiet as we settled into our
routines—people typing, phones ringing in the background—just another normal day.” That is one of the most disturbing uses of foreshadowing I have ever seen, and the way you transition to the tragedy gave me literal chills. Despite not knowing a lot about Kelly, you really made me attached to her. Your story is just so haunting and will stick with me forever.
Journal #16
Edward
Really cool chapter opener. I think it was a really good idea to open with the dramatic event you did, before pivoting to some world and story building. You seem to have chosen a medieval vibe, but in a world where species are capable of interplanetary travel. Really cool! I wonder how much “magic’ has helped speed this process up. Also, casually describing the entire evolution of a species is something I’m not sure I’ve ever seen done before. I was thinking maybe during your first bit, it might improve the reader’s experience if you chose to italicize your main character’s thoughts. This would simply help emphasize your main character’s thoughts, I think. I think in the latter it wouldn’t be a bad idea to break up your paragraphs. They get pretty darn long, and paragraph breaks can help emphasize points and shift focus. All in all a cool story, I’d have kept reading.
Kennedy
Love the opening. It’s so New York (which is a good thing), if you’re going New York, go all the way. Right off the bat I love how you choose to personify the city, comparing it to a beating heart pumping blood. Such a simple thing really makes the pain of what happened on that day so much more real and more intense. Then there’s the imagery and descriptions you use: the fireman walking up the stairs, a single unit. The smoke and the heat. I have watched probably 15 hours of 911 footage, and yet this felt so fucking real. Suggestions are all small. I think she should be looking out the window and see the plane hit the North Tower. Maybe that feels a little silly, but at the same time someone up there watched it happen, why not her. Second and last suggestion is for the title. Thoughts on “The Boy with the Red Bandana”? It feels maybe perfectly misleading somehow. Great story.
Journal #16
Kennedy:
Kennedy this was a really well researched look into a real life event. I was impressed by your attention to detail and the thought you put into this story. I really liked the way you bright us through the story using time signatures. It took me a minute to figure out where the story was headed, but when I did, those time signatures really added to the tension. I also liked how the beginning of the story kept the reader in a false sense of security, I thought that really added to the immersive quality of this piece. Reading this piece made me wonder what the story would be like if it was from a different point of view. I feel like depending on the person telling the story we could get some very different angles that could be really interesting to explore. I also am curious about how Kelly could tell that this man was so young. Would he really pull down his bandana in the building? And even if he did would people be able to see how old he was? Maybe if you move that part to when they have made it outside it might make more sense. Overall great work.
Edward:
Edward, this was really interesting. The scientific details you included really added to the sense of realism you created, and I liked how deeply you had thought about this entire world. You did a really good job exploring a different universe and I can see you put a lot of thought into the setting. Personally, I like the idea of reorganizing your story. Perhaps if you put the section with Bode at the very end, that would give us more of an idea of what’s happening. Also your scientific specificity was really good; however, maybe if you gave us those scientific details in shorter bursts it would be easier to comprehend for the reader. I think starting with Dominus would make the transition between high fantasy and science fiction elements a little smoother. Generally super interesting, excited to see where it goes!