Elizabeth
This story follows a guy and a girl in New York city, the man is afraid to approach the woman, and then it is too late. He grapples with this loss even though they were mere acquaintances. The amount of imagery in this story makes the coffee shop come to life, surrounding this girl in particular. I think I like the narrator, and how he has grown fond of this woman, but not necessarily in a creepy way. Though watching her for two years without even saying hello is a little odd. I would suggest adding more dialogue to this story, as the reader is constantly in the narrator’s head and somehow not over hearing any chatter from the coffee shop. Maybe we could see him vocally ordering his espresso or talking with the workers more. Some dialogue would help break up the stream of consciousness that brings us through the story to show the reader things instead of just telling us by thoughts. Or maybe he overhears some of the zoom call when he’s sitting closer to her. I overall enjoyed this story and its format.
Elizabeth’s story was very compelling and kept me interested the whole way through. The story is about a person being affected by the presence (or Aura) or another person without having said a word to them. That might’ve been my favorite element, even if others might think differently. I actually really enjoyed the lack of dialogue in this story. It made the story feel quiet, calming, and pensive. While I think adding more dialogue could add to the story, I really enjoy the feeling it has now without it. Something else I really enjoyed in this story was the descriptions. The way the main character describes things puts you right into their shoes, and makes you feel like you’re there, which is an important element of writing. The way the main character describes the girl helps you to understand how they feel about her, what affect she has on them. Overall, I thought the story was well thought out and executed, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t have any suggestions.
You depict the story of a 21 year old named Gabriel Stenton. He is second private officer in the army and is writing letters to his mom. This memoir is first dated at Jan 14, 1962, which is in the midst of the Vietnam War which took place between 1955 and 1975. On p. 1 I especially appreciate how your narrator is noting the change around him, and comparing the new Vietnam to the old one. On p. 10 you start the middle of your page on March 20, 1968, which is the last letter he sends. There is a lot going on in this letter, as the narrator has taken shelter in a rat tunnel under the base. He describes all of the horrible things that have gone on around him, including the death toll being over 100,000 individuals and how the chemicals have started taking a toll on his body. The emotion, especially in this section, is so strong and makes readers feel like they are experiencing this hurt alongside Gabriel. Some suggestions I do have are within this final letter to his mom. In the first full paragraph on p. 10, you say, “Ma, I hate to tell ya this, but this will be my last letter to you”. You then follow this statement with, “In case I don’t ever see you again, I had to let ya know the horrors I’ve seen”. These are confusing statements, as you are stating that it will be his last letter, but could possibly see her again. I would rather say in the first line, “Ma, I hate to tell ya this, but this could be my last letter to you”. In this way, you are not definitively saying it will be the last letter, as he does not certainly know he will die yet. I am not sure if you are going for a short story here, or a novel start, which makes this seem very long as it is not double spaced and is sitting at 13 pages if it is a short story. I do also recommend changing the font, as I found it a bit hard to read, but I can see that you were going for a script style, as a hand written letter would be written in.
Zak,
You wrote a short story about a man named Ayden who is attending therapy with Dr. Hayes. He discusses with him the event when his friend Josh had driven home drunk and passed away. He is experiencing immense amounts of guilt, as he believes Josh’s death was his fault. Ayden knew that Josh was drunk that day and still watched him leave, knowing the possible consequences. They wanted to be roommates at Ohio State University and were friends since the 6th grade, if not earlier. Ayden is in a state of disarray and even when his mom tries to make conversation and see if he talked about Josh at therapy, Ayden immediately shuts her out. She does not want to continue seeing her son in this state of anger and blame, because it is hurting him more than helping him. He agrees to his moms request of going to Josh’s grave and sat there for what seemed like hours talking to his friend that passed on. He talks about this event to his therapist, which seemingly gives him the closure he so desperately needs. This is an extremely powerful story about grief and persistence even when at some points it seems like existing hurts more than it should.
Jack
This story is about a man that goes mad from being in war. This story I like the memoir/letter format, it gives a better perspective and a deeper one. It lines up a great way to write this in a short story as well. Because letter’s aren’t like 200 pages. It could also be a first chapter and then goes into the narrative of maybe his mother or himself continuing. I liked the pauses in between words at the end of the writing. It helped bring terror into it better. It talks about gore but the plot gets a little lost in the descriptions. They still are bone chilling descriptions; it is unsettling to the narrator. I think that some lines are something that someone from the 1960’s won’t swear to their mother in a letter, maybe a friend. What are things that he associates with madness in the story? Is it fear? I feel like it needs to be shown in a way that isn’t just gore all the time. What else about war drives people mad? What noises do they hear, perhaps?
Zak
This story is about accepting grief and moving away from denial and shock of the sudden death of a friend. I like that the story is in smaller paragraphs; this helps make it easy to read and feel what the character is feeling. The dialogue moves the story along. I liked how you started with dialogue. It helped bring the plot out more but not take over the entire story. Your dialogue captured a lot of emotions that have to do with grief of losing someone and people in the character’s life. One suggestion could be that you add a scene in the end or the start of the story. Where Josh is in it and its happy memory of him. You could add it in when the main character is flashing through memories. You could also put him in a group bereavement therapy too with other people who have lost close friends or family members as well.
Zak, this is a story about a young man struggling with the death of a friend. On a larger note, this is a story about battling grief and unwanted change. I really like the premise of this story and your writing does it justice. I appreciated that you included themes like water and music throughout the story. For example, on page 7, you write, “words spilling out like a floodgate opened.” There is also: “relief flooding her features” (pg 6) and “feeling a wave of warmth wash over him” (pg 8). I also really like the way you bookended the lead and conclusion; it wraps up the story in a way that is positive but still satisfying for the reader. One question I have is: why didn’t Ayden make it to Ohio State? Was he too emotionally upset? Did his application get rejected? I also think that it might be interesting if you go deeper into his dad’s death and the way that pain parallels what he is currently experiencing. Did he ever know his dad? Overall, this is an emotionally impactful and really well-constructed story.
Jack, this is a story about a young man experiencing war firsthand and sharing the experience with his mother. It’s really touching that you chose for the letter’s recipient to be his mother instead of a wife, father, etc — it shows how young and innocent he truly is. I also think you did a great job showing the way a person can begin to go mad and have symptoms of PTSD (“Ma, but I just snapped. Seein’ him just brought back memories of Pa. When he left us for dirt, only thinkin’ about himself, I just lost it. I lifted my M16 and shot at the ground near him, screamin’ at him to tell me where the last bunkers were.” pg 12). I noticed that you used some moments to insert current social commentary through a 1960s context. For example, on page two, you write: “It wasn’t this gun that killed him….it was me.” There are also some really good (although horrific) descriptions in the story, such as describing a dead man’s face on page four: “Looked like someone tried to mix gum with some bad tobacco.” One question I have is, what was his relationship with his mom like back when he was in Kentucky? A critique I have is to be a touch more limited with the violence. Most of the violence has crucial commentary. However, I did feel as though some moments were unnecessarily violent. That being said, you’re trying to show a true depiction of how heinous war can be, so maybe all of the violence is necessary. I think it really depends on your intention. Overall, this story is engaging and has lots of good commentary.
Zak
This is a story about a guy grappling with the loss of his best friend who died in a drunk driving accident seven months before this story takes place. I really like the narrator’s progression through his grief and how he begins getting more comfortable with speaking about the incident. I like the writing as a whole, it keeps the reader in the story and feels like a real person going through this grief. I would suggest mentioning the flowers that Ayden brought to the grave before and maybe at the cemetery as well – since it is only mentioned to his therapist that he brought flowers. Also be specific about what flowers he brought, you could even have a scene where he goes to buy them or pick them from somewhere. Also you might have mentioned this but if you didn’t I would like to know how long Josh and Ayden had been friends for.
Jack
This is a story about a 21 year old fighting in the Vietnam War writing letters back to his mom. I like the attention to historical detail here as you depict what life in the war was like for young men at the time. I think I was most put-off by the language this guy uses to talk to his mother, it feels too profane especially considering the time. I would consider possibly making it more of a gradual shift from letter to letter where his thoughts might start becoming less appropriate due to all this time at war. Also be careful when including details like telling his mother how she lived her life or how the narrator is a happy-go-lucky guy, from this point in his life, a reader would expect his mother to know her son already so saying this directly to her in the letters pulls me out of the “dreamscape” of the story.
“War makes men mad” is a story about 21 yr old Gabriel Stenton who is a second private officer in the army and he is writing letters to his mom. The story starts in the midst of the Vietnam war. I really enjoyed the descriptions you had started with “This dusty and pathetic excuse for a tent isn’t helpin’ at all. What kind of shelter is this, huh? They told me it would block out that damn pesticide. It’s all over my body, it’s in my eyes, it burns.” I think this was a great way to bring the readers in to be able to understand more about the story and what Gabriel is going through. I did really enjoy that you made your character on the younger side to show that most of the men were young and still had a whole life ahead of them. I really liked how you should see the men that went through that saw things that some could never unsee and move on, I loved the line “ but I’m scared, Ma. Ya ain’t seen shit yet till’ ya see a man cry his own blood.” as i think it shows the emotion Gabriel has. A recommendation I have is to double space it, I understand you want it to be as a letter but I think double spacing it will make it less overwhelming to the readers. I was also confused if this was a short story or a novel start?
Zak:
Zak this was an incredible piece, “Step by Step” is about Ayden who is going through the grief of losing his best friend. I enjoyed everything about this story. You wrote about Ayden In a way that was so powerful. I never really see stories about men going through grief so reading this was great. I liked how you showed the pressure of Ayden trying to be strong but he just couldn’t. “He needed me to be stronger, to be more convincing, and I wasn’t.” you wrote Ayden’s progress with grief very well as it was great to have almost closure at the end of the story. The only recommendation I have is when you say “Ayden cut himself off as his voice had started to become shot.” I was thinking and you obviously don’t have to change this but I thought it would sound good to say instead “Ayden cut himself off as his voice began to break” but other than that this was a great piece.
Hey Jack,
This is a story about a young man writing letters to his mom during the Vietnam war. He is telling her about the horrendous things that he has experienced and even done. The letters gradually worsen with the horrific depictions of the events that had unfolded during the war. I think it was a strong description of the horrors of war. The way his friend became unrecognizable was terrifying and monstrous. The PTSD the young man was going through was very apparent. I would recommend changing who he is writing to or maybe change it to journal entries. I do not think a son would want to recount the gruesome scenes to his mother. I would think maybe he would want to shield her from it and say everything is fine. Maybe if you changed it to a diary, he could say he wishes he could tell his mom this in detail but he knows she would faint and be more worried than she already is. I do think maybe the hippie and bell bottom reference could have been too early in this time period. If he has been gone in Vietnam for several years, I do not think he would have actually seen the bell bottoms? Other than that, it was a powerful recounting of how war changes men.
Hey Zak!
You wrote a moving story about Ayden and his struggles of dealing with the guilt of his friend Josh’s death. The way guilt was eating up at him felt real and how difficult it is for him to move on. I liked how emotional the story was, seeing how he was going to therapy for months, yet he felt stuck in the past. I really appreciated how his mom was not angry at Ayden for his outburst and understood that he was grieving. I believe you did a really good job of describing how Josh was haunting him. I would have actually liked to see some actual memories of Josh and Ayden together other than the night of the accident and how they dreamed of going to college together. I want to see how solid their friendship was and how they would possibly hang out every day and do things together and now he does not have that. I wonder if possibly adding another friend to the mix would propel the story as well. I think it would add to the tension if these two friends constantly avoid the topic of Josh and then they eventually talk.
Jack’s story was very intense. The imagery used was necessary to communicate the horrors of the Vietnam war. The style of the story was wonderful, it was a good way to have the main character discuss exactly how he was feeling and what he was going through. Having the main character speaking (or writing) directly to his mother was interesting, putting the reader in the mother’s shoes. The letters she’s receiving are all she has of her son, and it’s a bit haunting. You can try to understand how she might feel this way. The intense detail the main character describes the situations he’s in puts you into the situation. You can tell how as time goes on, the main character loses his innocence, his confidence, his joy. The only thing I might suggest is consider: do people write the way their accents sound? Some might abbreviate words, or use slang, but you might think about cutting out some of the accent adjacent language to make it more like a letter.
Zak’s story was incredible. The way it captured the way grief can affect someone, how debilitating it can be, how all-consuming it is. One quote stood out to me. ““Ayden, sometimes our minds trick us into thinking we have more control over situations than we really do…” The therapist’s attempts to convince Ayden that the responsibly of the situation doesn’t all fall onto him. The way Ayden pushes back is very real. When nothing anybody can say will convince you it’s not your fault, it can be all encompassing. Ayden’s outburst at his mom illustrated the pain he was holding inside, and the fact that he hadn’t visited Josh’s grave felt incredibly real. When we lose someone, it’s hard to expect they’re gone, we try our best to avoid signs that they might be. Overall, there aren’t any suggestions I have, I felt the story was beautiful created and vulnerably emotional.
Zak:
Zak, this story was such a good exploration of the grieving process. Not only did it do a really good job describing grief, but I also love the characters. They each had distinct authentic feeling voices that really brought the reader into the story. I could really feel the emotions of each character. I thought the therapist was so well done, but also the mother and Ayden were completely believable and real feeling. Both of your stories have really hit hard, you do such a good job at conveying emotion in a meaningful way. I do want to know where the events took place though. Was Josh driving home from a party? Was he coming from Ayden’s house? How does their greater friend group feel about what happened? How does Josh’s family feel about the event? How do they feel about Ayden? You could just give these details a sentence or two interspersed throughout the story and I feel like they would really pull the reader in that much more.
Jack:
This was a really impactful historical piece. I felt like you did a lot of research and I was impressed by how much attention you put into the material. There were so many details that you added, the journal/letter style you added was really interesting. I also really like how you helped ground the reader in the time period with your historical details such as the Howard Johnson’s, and the Chubby Checker song. I do want to ask whether the story needed as much violence as you included. Did the amount of violence become a distraction rather than an enhancement? Also I understand your Apocalypse now reference, but where it was in the story left me wondering if that was the best place for it. Overall, I think that people forget about the impact Vietnam had, so I liked that you chose this topic.
I think Step By Step captures Ayden’s grief and internal conflict in a powerful, deeply relatable way. The way you portray Ayden’s anguish, particularly through his sessions with Dr. Hayes and interactions Dr. Hayes and interactions with his mom, effectively builds up the weight of his guilt, showing how it’s consumed him. His struggle to accept that he couldn’t control the outcome is portrayed with such rawness. I also liked how you included sensory details—like the therapy’s office air conditioning, and the tension between the warmth of the family dinner and Ayden’s inner turmoil—those made the story feel real and immersive.
One area for possible improvement could be to explore more fo Ayden’s relationship with Josh prior to the accident. This backstory could add emotional depth, helping readers feel the sense of loss that Ayden is grappling with. Additionally, maybe consider tightening some of Ayden’s internal dialogue to maintain the pacing, especially in scenes where he’s alone and ruminating. This could amplify the emotional impact by balancing his reflections with forward movement in the story.
Jack:
This is raw, intense, and vividly written. Your choice of language and the deep, brutal honesty captures the horrific reality of war and the toll it takes on both the mind and soul. Gabriel’s perspective in this story—his trauma, helplessness, anger, and horror—gives a compelling and heartbreaking portrayal of his inner conflict. The way he grapples with the contrast between his values and the ruthless actions of those around him, especially the atrocities committed by his friend Dylan, is deeply powerful. You’re drawing out not only the violence of war but also the emotional desolation that’s tearing him apart.
The letters’ structure adds to this, as the voice shifts over time from shock and guilt to sheer horror, and finally to a kind of resignation tinged with despair. It allows readers to feel the passage of time and the psychological scars deepening. The descriptions, like the line comparing the flames to a “hungry” monster in Hue City, or the analogy of Gabriel being “a monster in a hero’s skin,” are haunting.
One thing to consider could be more contrast between his letters to his mom—perhaps a softening in his words to her, like he’s trying to protect her from the worst, even though he fails to hide his despair entirely. This might heighten the tension and complexity in his character, showing his desperate desire to be seen as good in her eyes despite everything he’s witnessed and done. Another layer might be to add subtle nods to any sense of hope or peace he once had, creating a heartbreaking comparison to what he has become.
Jack:
You wrote an enthralling first person narrative about a man fighting in the vietnam war. You choose to write this story through the lens of letters written to the main character’s mother. I think it was a really cool way to write this story. We get to see not only what this man is experiencing, which parts of the experience he is choosing to share with his mother. He seems to be very honest with his Ma about what he is feeling and how war is affecting him. I wonder how she reacts to his letters. She must be so worried about him. I like the personality of your main character a lot. He isn’t a fighter. He seems to be a pretty regular guy who has had the terrible toll of war taken on him. He feels simple, but not stupid. He thinks about everything happening around him, but seems like he could be satisfied by a simple life. Some suggestions: I think in some areas you lose authenticity by using too much detail. For example, mentioning the rifle is an M16. Why would he say that kind of thing to his Mother? To me it felt a little wrong. The other suggestion is to make sure to stay in letter mode. There are a few times where I simply don’t believe he would write what he’s saying in a letter. Overall, a really good and moving story. My grandfather fought in Vietnam and it was a truly fucked up war. I think you capture that here.
Zach:
This was a really moving story. Right off the bat I loved how you had Ayden noticing his breathing so much. This was real for me. When I am really upset I often end up being stuck focusing on nothing more than trying to breathe. This story is interesting because the emotions are so relatable, and yet the story itself is probably not something many of us have experienced. Ayden is not responsible for Josh dying, but he has to learn to live with the fact that he really could have stopped him. I think this hits hard because I’ve been Ayden, letting my friends do stupid things that I know might get them killed. But I got lucky. Guilt is still there though. Speaking of guilt I think you do a really good job showing how terrible and responsible Ayden feels. That being said, because you’re doing such a good job showing it, you don’t need to say it or spell it out for us. The word guilt isn’t always necessary. Overall, this was a really good story. It was human, honest and deep. I think it explored loss and how we cope with it in a realistic way. Good work!
Jack,
This story centers around a young man, Gabriel Stenton, who is a 21-year-old second private officer in the Vietnam War, writing letters to his mother. The letters reveal the horrors he’s experienced and even taken part in, gradually intensifying with shocking details of war’s toll on him and those around him. The graphic descriptions of his friend becoming unrecognizable and Gabriel’s own battle with PTSD are powerfully conveyed, immersing readers in the traumatic reality of war. The story begins on January 14, 1962, with Gabriel writing to his mom, and the last letter, dated March 20, 1968, finds him taking shelter in a rat tunnel under his base. This letter, in particular, captures a heartbreaking vulnerability as he describes the high death toll, the physical impact of chemicals on his body, and the emotional devastation he feels. This emotional depth, especially in his final letter, is effective and makes the reader feel Gabriel’s pain. A couple of suggestions I have are since the letters are written to his mother, it might be more realistic if Gabriel held back on sharing such graphic experiences, wanting to shield her from the worst details. Overall, I thought this was a very well written story and I think you did a great job conveying how war indeed changed young men.
I really appreciated the way you wrote this incredibly drawn out and emotional story. Every word and every line brought out the feelings Ayden was feeling about his friend Josh. I really like and appreciate the path and topic you chose for this story. Guilt and Grief are two things I have felt for way too long, and to see you write a story that demonstrates how one can deal with it was a journey, and a privilege to read. You are a very gifted and talented writer, dude. For me, the most powerful part of your story was his outburst towards his mother. It felt raw, it was portrayed so realistically, and the way you say ““No! I’m tired of pretending everything is fine!” he shouted, his pulse quickening as frustration
bubbled to the surface. “I’m tired of people telling me to move on like it’s that easy! You think I
want to feel this way?” was such a heavy but realistic line. You really drive home the idea of guilt and the way it is seen and viewed. When someone goes through something like this, they really do feel like no one understands what they are going through. Overall, a really touching and powerful piece, and I applaud you for going down the path you did.
Zak,
Right off the bat we have a strong start- I love the use of the word uninvited. Your use of senses really take us into the office as if we sit beside him. You really lean into your metaphors, I love it! I also appreciate your change in scenery, that we weren’t in the therapists office the whole time. This allowed the reader to get answers through showing and not telling, good job. Your juxtaposition between his welcoming environments and the “coldness” he feels adds to your story, too. Your whole story is suffocated with guilt, your readers feel this alongside your main character; who is also relatable. I love that this isn’t a static story, too.
Jack,
I like that this is in a letter format, it makes the imagery and feelings more personalized. Though I didn’t understand all the references, I appreciate the detail you put into using them. I feel like this is very long and condensed for a short story, but it was a wild read and I enjoyed reading on a topic I’m not very familiar with. I had to look up some of the stuff you mentioned to really understand the atmosphere, but it just pulled me into the rest of the story. Usually I’m not a fan of telling over showing, but using the letter format allowed for it which I can appreciate craft wise, especially since it didn’t take away from the rest of the story. I feel like this could be more digestible if you broke up the paragraphs, too.
1: The story is about a teenager who witnessed his best friend die as a result of drunk driving, and who had the power to prevent him from driving drunk. He is having difficulty forgiving himself and moving on, but using encouragement from his mother and his own determination, he is able to move on eventually, and even visit Josh’s grave.
2: I liked how the story was in a way a comment on an unfortunately common occurrence. I also like how it focussed on survival guilt and the way the character appeared very relatable.
3: Question: How did Aiden see the event if he wasn’t in the car with Josh?
4: Perhaps describe him reliving the memory in greater detail if this is such a common theme and occurrence?
“War Makes Men Mad”
1: The story is about a man who fought in the vietnam war: specifically, it is about the letters he wrote to his mother about his experience. His experience was bloody and gory, and his letter gave the impression that he had a rough time, but was able to hold it together somewhat.
2: I liked how the soldier described not only the violence and his military assignments, but also the holistic experience of living in Vietnam. This experience included seeing water bodies become stained with agent orange and blood, stealing wine, and making friends with fellow soldiers. I also thought the descriptions of bodies and skeletons had the right amount of detail to form a mental image, but not so much detail that the descriptions seemed excessive.
3: Question: What inspired you to write about the Vietnam war instead of another war, like World War Two?
4: Perhaps elaborate more on how the war changed his perspective with regards to topics other than his mom, and his perceived duty to her. Or maybe his mom is mostly what he has?
17 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 17”
Elizabeth
This story follows a guy and a girl in New York city, the man is afraid to approach the woman, and then it is too late. He grapples with this loss even though they were mere acquaintances. The amount of imagery in this story makes the coffee shop come to life, surrounding this girl in particular. I think I like the narrator, and how he has grown fond of this woman, but not necessarily in a creepy way. Though watching her for two years without even saying hello is a little odd. I would suggest adding more dialogue to this story, as the reader is constantly in the narrator’s head and somehow not over hearing any chatter from the coffee shop. Maybe we could see him vocally ordering his espresso or talking with the workers more. Some dialogue would help break up the stream of consciousness that brings us through the story to show the reader things instead of just telling us by thoughts. Or maybe he overhears some of the zoom call when he’s sitting closer to her. I overall enjoyed this story and its format.
Elizabeth’s story was very compelling and kept me interested the whole way through. The story is about a person being affected by the presence (or Aura) or another person without having said a word to them. That might’ve been my favorite element, even if others might think differently. I actually really enjoyed the lack of dialogue in this story. It made the story feel quiet, calming, and pensive. While I think adding more dialogue could add to the story, I really enjoy the feeling it has now without it. Something else I really enjoyed in this story was the descriptions. The way the main character describes things puts you right into their shoes, and makes you feel like you’re there, which is an important element of writing. The way the main character describes the girl helps you to understand how they feel about her, what affect she has on them. Overall, I thought the story was well thought out and executed, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t have any suggestions.
Jack,
You depict the story of a 21 year old named Gabriel Stenton. He is second private officer in the army and is writing letters to his mom. This memoir is first dated at Jan 14, 1962, which is in the midst of the Vietnam War which took place between 1955 and 1975. On p. 1 I especially appreciate how your narrator is noting the change around him, and comparing the new Vietnam to the old one. On p. 10 you start the middle of your page on March 20, 1968, which is the last letter he sends. There is a lot going on in this letter, as the narrator has taken shelter in a rat tunnel under the base. He describes all of the horrible things that have gone on around him, including the death toll being over 100,000 individuals and how the chemicals have started taking a toll on his body. The emotion, especially in this section, is so strong and makes readers feel like they are experiencing this hurt alongside Gabriel. Some suggestions I do have are within this final letter to his mom. In the first full paragraph on p. 10, you say, “Ma, I hate to tell ya this, but this will be my last letter to you”. You then follow this statement with, “In case I don’t ever see you again, I had to let ya know the horrors I’ve seen”. These are confusing statements, as you are stating that it will be his last letter, but could possibly see her again. I would rather say in the first line, “Ma, I hate to tell ya this, but this could be my last letter to you”. In this way, you are not definitively saying it will be the last letter, as he does not certainly know he will die yet. I am not sure if you are going for a short story here, or a novel start, which makes this seem very long as it is not double spaced and is sitting at 13 pages if it is a short story. I do also recommend changing the font, as I found it a bit hard to read, but I can see that you were going for a script style, as a hand written letter would be written in.
Zak,
You wrote a short story about a man named Ayden who is attending therapy with Dr. Hayes. He discusses with him the event when his friend Josh had driven home drunk and passed away. He is experiencing immense amounts of guilt, as he believes Josh’s death was his fault. Ayden knew that Josh was drunk that day and still watched him leave, knowing the possible consequences. They wanted to be roommates at Ohio State University and were friends since the 6th grade, if not earlier. Ayden is in a state of disarray and even when his mom tries to make conversation and see if he talked about Josh at therapy, Ayden immediately shuts her out. She does not want to continue seeing her son in this state of anger and blame, because it is hurting him more than helping him. He agrees to his moms request of going to Josh’s grave and sat there for what seemed like hours talking to his friend that passed on. He talks about this event to his therapist, which seemingly gives him the closure he so desperately needs. This is an extremely powerful story about grief and persistence even when at some points it seems like existing hurts more than it should.
Jack
This story is about a man that goes mad from being in war. This story I like the memoir/letter format, it gives a better perspective and a deeper one. It lines up a great way to write this in a short story as well. Because letter’s aren’t like 200 pages. It could also be a first chapter and then goes into the narrative of maybe his mother or himself continuing. I liked the pauses in between words at the end of the writing. It helped bring terror into it better. It talks about gore but the plot gets a little lost in the descriptions. They still are bone chilling descriptions; it is unsettling to the narrator. I think that some lines are something that someone from the 1960’s won’t swear to their mother in a letter, maybe a friend. What are things that he associates with madness in the story? Is it fear? I feel like it needs to be shown in a way that isn’t just gore all the time. What else about war drives people mad? What noises do they hear, perhaps?
Zak
This story is about accepting grief and moving away from denial and shock of the sudden death of a friend. I like that the story is in smaller paragraphs; this helps make it easy to read and feel what the character is feeling. The dialogue moves the story along. I liked how you started with dialogue. It helped bring the plot out more but not take over the entire story. Your dialogue captured a lot of emotions that have to do with grief of losing someone and people in the character’s life. One suggestion could be that you add a scene in the end or the start of the story. Where Josh is in it and its happy memory of him. You could add it in when the main character is flashing through memories. You could also put him in a group bereavement therapy too with other people who have lost close friends or family members as well.
Zak, this is a story about a young man struggling with the death of a friend. On a larger note, this is a story about battling grief and unwanted change. I really like the premise of this story and your writing does it justice. I appreciated that you included themes like water and music throughout the story. For example, on page 7, you write, “words spilling out like a floodgate opened.” There is also: “relief flooding her features” (pg 6) and “feeling a wave of warmth wash over him” (pg 8). I also really like the way you bookended the lead and conclusion; it wraps up the story in a way that is positive but still satisfying for the reader. One question I have is: why didn’t Ayden make it to Ohio State? Was he too emotionally upset? Did his application get rejected? I also think that it might be interesting if you go deeper into his dad’s death and the way that pain parallels what he is currently experiencing. Did he ever know his dad? Overall, this is an emotionally impactful and really well-constructed story.
Jack, this is a story about a young man experiencing war firsthand and sharing the experience with his mother. It’s really touching that you chose for the letter’s recipient to be his mother instead of a wife, father, etc — it shows how young and innocent he truly is. I also think you did a great job showing the way a person can begin to go mad and have symptoms of PTSD (“Ma, but I just snapped. Seein’ him just brought back memories of Pa. When he left us for dirt, only thinkin’ about himself, I just lost it. I lifted my M16 and shot at the ground near him, screamin’ at him to tell me where the last bunkers were.” pg 12). I noticed that you used some moments to insert current social commentary through a 1960s context. For example, on page two, you write: “It wasn’t this gun that killed him….it was me.” There are also some really good (although horrific) descriptions in the story, such as describing a dead man’s face on page four: “Looked like someone tried to mix gum with some bad tobacco.” One question I have is, what was his relationship with his mom like back when he was in Kentucky? A critique I have is to be a touch more limited with the violence. Most of the violence has crucial commentary. However, I did feel as though some moments were unnecessarily violent. That being said, you’re trying to show a true depiction of how heinous war can be, so maybe all of the violence is necessary. I think it really depends on your intention. Overall, this story is engaging and has lots of good commentary.
Zak
This is a story about a guy grappling with the loss of his best friend who died in a drunk driving accident seven months before this story takes place. I really like the narrator’s progression through his grief and how he begins getting more comfortable with speaking about the incident. I like the writing as a whole, it keeps the reader in the story and feels like a real person going through this grief. I would suggest mentioning the flowers that Ayden brought to the grave before and maybe at the cemetery as well – since it is only mentioned to his therapist that he brought flowers. Also be specific about what flowers he brought, you could even have a scene where he goes to buy them or pick them from somewhere. Also you might have mentioned this but if you didn’t I would like to know how long Josh and Ayden had been friends for.
Jack
This is a story about a 21 year old fighting in the Vietnam War writing letters back to his mom. I like the attention to historical detail here as you depict what life in the war was like for young men at the time. I think I was most put-off by the language this guy uses to talk to his mother, it feels too profane especially considering the time. I would consider possibly making it more of a gradual shift from letter to letter where his thoughts might start becoming less appropriate due to all this time at war. Also be careful when including details like telling his mother how she lived her life or how the narrator is a happy-go-lucky guy, from this point in his life, a reader would expect his mother to know her son already so saying this directly to her in the letters pulls me out of the “dreamscape” of the story.
Jack:
“War makes men mad” is a story about 21 yr old Gabriel Stenton who is a second private officer in the army and he is writing letters to his mom. The story starts in the midst of the Vietnam war. I really enjoyed the descriptions you had started with “This dusty and pathetic excuse for a tent isn’t helpin’ at all. What kind of shelter is this, huh? They told me it would block out that damn pesticide. It’s all over my body, it’s in my eyes, it burns.” I think this was a great way to bring the readers in to be able to understand more about the story and what Gabriel is going through. I did really enjoy that you made your character on the younger side to show that most of the men were young and still had a whole life ahead of them. I really liked how you should see the men that went through that saw things that some could never unsee and move on, I loved the line “ but I’m scared, Ma. Ya ain’t seen shit yet till’ ya see a man cry his own blood.” as i think it shows the emotion Gabriel has. A recommendation I have is to double space it, I understand you want it to be as a letter but I think double spacing it will make it less overwhelming to the readers. I was also confused if this was a short story or a novel start?
Zak:
Zak this was an incredible piece, “Step by Step” is about Ayden who is going through the grief of losing his best friend. I enjoyed everything about this story. You wrote about Ayden In a way that was so powerful. I never really see stories about men going through grief so reading this was great. I liked how you showed the pressure of Ayden trying to be strong but he just couldn’t. “He needed me to be stronger, to be more convincing, and I wasn’t.” you wrote Ayden’s progress with grief very well as it was great to have almost closure at the end of the story. The only recommendation I have is when you say “Ayden cut himself off as his voice had started to become shot.” I was thinking and you obviously don’t have to change this but I thought it would sound good to say instead “Ayden cut himself off as his voice began to break” but other than that this was a great piece.
Hey Jack,
This is a story about a young man writing letters to his mom during the Vietnam war. He is telling her about the horrendous things that he has experienced and even done. The letters gradually worsen with the horrific depictions of the events that had unfolded during the war. I think it was a strong description of the horrors of war. The way his friend became unrecognizable was terrifying and monstrous. The PTSD the young man was going through was very apparent. I would recommend changing who he is writing to or maybe change it to journal entries. I do not think a son would want to recount the gruesome scenes to his mother. I would think maybe he would want to shield her from it and say everything is fine. Maybe if you changed it to a diary, he could say he wishes he could tell his mom this in detail but he knows she would faint and be more worried than she already is. I do think maybe the hippie and bell bottom reference could have been too early in this time period. If he has been gone in Vietnam for several years, I do not think he would have actually seen the bell bottoms? Other than that, it was a powerful recounting of how war changes men.
Hey Zak!
You wrote a moving story about Ayden and his struggles of dealing with the guilt of his friend Josh’s death. The way guilt was eating up at him felt real and how difficult it is for him to move on. I liked how emotional the story was, seeing how he was going to therapy for months, yet he felt stuck in the past. I really appreciated how his mom was not angry at Ayden for his outburst and understood that he was grieving. I believe you did a really good job of describing how Josh was haunting him. I would have actually liked to see some actual memories of Josh and Ayden together other than the night of the accident and how they dreamed of going to college together. I want to see how solid their friendship was and how they would possibly hang out every day and do things together and now he does not have that. I wonder if possibly adding another friend to the mix would propel the story as well. I think it would add to the tension if these two friends constantly avoid the topic of Josh and then they eventually talk.
Jack’s story was very intense. The imagery used was necessary to communicate the horrors of the Vietnam war. The style of the story was wonderful, it was a good way to have the main character discuss exactly how he was feeling and what he was going through. Having the main character speaking (or writing) directly to his mother was interesting, putting the reader in the mother’s shoes. The letters she’s receiving are all she has of her son, and it’s a bit haunting. You can try to understand how she might feel this way. The intense detail the main character describes the situations he’s in puts you into the situation. You can tell how as time goes on, the main character loses his innocence, his confidence, his joy. The only thing I might suggest is consider: do people write the way their accents sound? Some might abbreviate words, or use slang, but you might think about cutting out some of the accent adjacent language to make it more like a letter.
Zak’s story was incredible. The way it captured the way grief can affect someone, how debilitating it can be, how all-consuming it is. One quote stood out to me. ““Ayden, sometimes our minds trick us into thinking we have more control over situations than we really do…” The therapist’s attempts to convince Ayden that the responsibly of the situation doesn’t all fall onto him. The way Ayden pushes back is very real. When nothing anybody can say will convince you it’s not your fault, it can be all encompassing. Ayden’s outburst at his mom illustrated the pain he was holding inside, and the fact that he hadn’t visited Josh’s grave felt incredibly real. When we lose someone, it’s hard to expect they’re gone, we try our best to avoid signs that they might be. Overall, there aren’t any suggestions I have, I felt the story was beautiful created and vulnerably emotional.
Zak:
Zak, this story was such a good exploration of the grieving process. Not only did it do a really good job describing grief, but I also love the characters. They each had distinct authentic feeling voices that really brought the reader into the story. I could really feel the emotions of each character. I thought the therapist was so well done, but also the mother and Ayden were completely believable and real feeling. Both of your stories have really hit hard, you do such a good job at conveying emotion in a meaningful way. I do want to know where the events took place though. Was Josh driving home from a party? Was he coming from Ayden’s house? How does their greater friend group feel about what happened? How does Josh’s family feel about the event? How do they feel about Ayden? You could just give these details a sentence or two interspersed throughout the story and I feel like they would really pull the reader in that much more.
Jack:
This was a really impactful historical piece. I felt like you did a lot of research and I was impressed by how much attention you put into the material. There were so many details that you added, the journal/letter style you added was really interesting. I also really like how you helped ground the reader in the time period with your historical details such as the Howard Johnson’s, and the Chubby Checker song. I do want to ask whether the story needed as much violence as you included. Did the amount of violence become a distraction rather than an enhancement? Also I understand your Apocalypse now reference, but where it was in the story left me wondering if that was the best place for it. Overall, I think that people forget about the impact Vietnam had, so I liked that you chose this topic.
Zak:
I think Step By Step captures Ayden’s grief and internal conflict in a powerful, deeply relatable way. The way you portray Ayden’s anguish, particularly through his sessions with Dr. Hayes and interactions Dr. Hayes and interactions with his mom, effectively builds up the weight of his guilt, showing how it’s consumed him. His struggle to accept that he couldn’t control the outcome is portrayed with such rawness. I also liked how you included sensory details—like the therapy’s office air conditioning, and the tension between the warmth of the family dinner and Ayden’s inner turmoil—those made the story feel real and immersive.
One area for possible improvement could be to explore more fo Ayden’s relationship with Josh prior to the accident. This backstory could add emotional depth, helping readers feel the sense of loss that Ayden is grappling with. Additionally, maybe consider tightening some of Ayden’s internal dialogue to maintain the pacing, especially in scenes where he’s alone and ruminating. This could amplify the emotional impact by balancing his reflections with forward movement in the story.
Jack:
This is raw, intense, and vividly written. Your choice of language and the deep, brutal honesty captures the horrific reality of war and the toll it takes on both the mind and soul. Gabriel’s perspective in this story—his trauma, helplessness, anger, and horror—gives a compelling and heartbreaking portrayal of his inner conflict. The way he grapples with the contrast between his values and the ruthless actions of those around him, especially the atrocities committed by his friend Dylan, is deeply powerful. You’re drawing out not only the violence of war but also the emotional desolation that’s tearing him apart.
The letters’ structure adds to this, as the voice shifts over time from shock and guilt to sheer horror, and finally to a kind of resignation tinged with despair. It allows readers to feel the passage of time and the psychological scars deepening. The descriptions, like the line comparing the flames to a “hungry” monster in Hue City, or the analogy of Gabriel being “a monster in a hero’s skin,” are haunting.
One thing to consider could be more contrast between his letters to his mom—perhaps a softening in his words to her, like he’s trying to protect her from the worst, even though he fails to hide his despair entirely. This might heighten the tension and complexity in his character, showing his desperate desire to be seen as good in her eyes despite everything he’s witnessed and done. Another layer might be to add subtle nods to any sense of hope or peace he once had, creating a heartbreaking comparison to what he has become.
Journal #17
Jack:
You wrote an enthralling first person narrative about a man fighting in the vietnam war. You choose to write this story through the lens of letters written to the main character’s mother. I think it was a really cool way to write this story. We get to see not only what this man is experiencing, which parts of the experience he is choosing to share with his mother. He seems to be very honest with his Ma about what he is feeling and how war is affecting him. I wonder how she reacts to his letters. She must be so worried about him. I like the personality of your main character a lot. He isn’t a fighter. He seems to be a pretty regular guy who has had the terrible toll of war taken on him. He feels simple, but not stupid. He thinks about everything happening around him, but seems like he could be satisfied by a simple life. Some suggestions: I think in some areas you lose authenticity by using too much detail. For example, mentioning the rifle is an M16. Why would he say that kind of thing to his Mother? To me it felt a little wrong. The other suggestion is to make sure to stay in letter mode. There are a few times where I simply don’t believe he would write what he’s saying in a letter. Overall, a really good and moving story. My grandfather fought in Vietnam and it was a truly fucked up war. I think you capture that here.
Zach:
This was a really moving story. Right off the bat I loved how you had Ayden noticing his breathing so much. This was real for me. When I am really upset I often end up being stuck focusing on nothing more than trying to breathe. This story is interesting because the emotions are so relatable, and yet the story itself is probably not something many of us have experienced. Ayden is not responsible for Josh dying, but he has to learn to live with the fact that he really could have stopped him. I think this hits hard because I’ve been Ayden, letting my friends do stupid things that I know might get them killed. But I got lucky. Guilt is still there though. Speaking of guilt I think you do a really good job showing how terrible and responsible Ayden feels. That being said, because you’re doing such a good job showing it, you don’t need to say it or spell it out for us. The word guilt isn’t always necessary. Overall, this was a really good story. It was human, honest and deep. I think it explored loss and how we cope with it in a realistic way. Good work!
Zak: I am sorry I spelled your name wrong!
Jack,
This story centers around a young man, Gabriel Stenton, who is a 21-year-old second private officer in the Vietnam War, writing letters to his mother. The letters reveal the horrors he’s experienced and even taken part in, gradually intensifying with shocking details of war’s toll on him and those around him. The graphic descriptions of his friend becoming unrecognizable and Gabriel’s own battle with PTSD are powerfully conveyed, immersing readers in the traumatic reality of war. The story begins on January 14, 1962, with Gabriel writing to his mom, and the last letter, dated March 20, 1968, finds him taking shelter in a rat tunnel under his base. This letter, in particular, captures a heartbreaking vulnerability as he describes the high death toll, the physical impact of chemicals on his body, and the emotional devastation he feels. This emotional depth, especially in his final letter, is effective and makes the reader feel Gabriel’s pain. A couple of suggestions I have are since the letters are written to his mother, it might be more realistic if Gabriel held back on sharing such graphic experiences, wanting to shield her from the worst details. Overall, I thought this was a very well written story and I think you did a great job conveying how war indeed changed young men.
Zak,
I really appreciated the way you wrote this incredibly drawn out and emotional story. Every word and every line brought out the feelings Ayden was feeling about his friend Josh. I really like and appreciate the path and topic you chose for this story. Guilt and Grief are two things I have felt for way too long, and to see you write a story that demonstrates how one can deal with it was a journey, and a privilege to read. You are a very gifted and talented writer, dude. For me, the most powerful part of your story was his outburst towards his mother. It felt raw, it was portrayed so realistically, and the way you say ““No! I’m tired of pretending everything is fine!” he shouted, his pulse quickening as frustration
bubbled to the surface. “I’m tired of people telling me to move on like it’s that easy! You think I
want to feel this way?” was such a heavy but realistic line. You really drive home the idea of guilt and the way it is seen and viewed. When someone goes through something like this, they really do feel like no one understands what they are going through. Overall, a really touching and powerful piece, and I applaud you for going down the path you did.
Zak,
Right off the bat we have a strong start- I love the use of the word uninvited. Your use of senses really take us into the office as if we sit beside him. You really lean into your metaphors, I love it! I also appreciate your change in scenery, that we weren’t in the therapists office the whole time. This allowed the reader to get answers through showing and not telling, good job. Your juxtaposition between his welcoming environments and the “coldness” he feels adds to your story, too. Your whole story is suffocated with guilt, your readers feel this alongside your main character; who is also relatable. I love that this isn’t a static story, too.
Jack,
I like that this is in a letter format, it makes the imagery and feelings more personalized. Though I didn’t understand all the references, I appreciate the detail you put into using them. I feel like this is very long and condensed for a short story, but it was a wild read and I enjoyed reading on a topic I’m not very familiar with. I had to look up some of the stuff you mentioned to really understand the atmosphere, but it just pulled me into the rest of the story. Usually I’m not a fan of telling over showing, but using the letter format allowed for it which I can appreciate craft wise, especially since it didn’t take away from the rest of the story. I feel like this could be more digestible if you broke up the paragraphs, too.
“Step by Step”
1: The story is about a teenager who witnessed his best friend die as a result of drunk driving, and who had the power to prevent him from driving drunk. He is having difficulty forgiving himself and moving on, but using encouragement from his mother and his own determination, he is able to move on eventually, and even visit Josh’s grave.
2: I liked how the story was in a way a comment on an unfortunately common occurrence. I also like how it focussed on survival guilt and the way the character appeared very relatable.
3: Question: How did Aiden see the event if he wasn’t in the car with Josh?
4: Perhaps describe him reliving the memory in greater detail if this is such a common theme and occurrence?
“War Makes Men Mad”
1: The story is about a man who fought in the vietnam war: specifically, it is about the letters he wrote to his mother about his experience. His experience was bloody and gory, and his letter gave the impression that he had a rough time, but was able to hold it together somewhat.
2: I liked how the soldier described not only the violence and his military assignments, but also the holistic experience of living in Vietnam. This experience included seeing water bodies become stained with agent orange and blood, stealing wine, and making friends with fellow soldiers. I also thought the descriptions of bodies and skeletons had the right amount of detail to form a mental image, but not so much detail that the descriptions seemed excessive.
3: Question: What inspired you to write about the Vietnam war instead of another war, like World War Two?
4: Perhaps elaborate more on how the war changed his perspective with regards to topics other than his mom, and his perceived duty to her. Or maybe his mom is mostly what he has?