This is another incredible piece that you have brought to the class. I especially like how you included the beginning section giving readers background on what the date is, where the story is taking place, and what exactly is going on before the story fully begins. This is a story about a car accident on Old Fletcher Road, and the caller is Tanya Bardworth. She called in this car accident that, from the beginning, appears to have involve kids. As we work throughout the story, we realize that the kids are experiencing life outside their own bodies and reminisce on their adventure in the woods. You have such descriptive detail throughout your story, and I especially enjoyed your last page. On p. 11 para. 6, you write, “As his breath rattles out of his broken lungs, one might almost think they could see the hint of a smile creep into his face and perhaps, somehow, three friends have just been reunited”. This is such a powerful line, and is the perfect closing sentence for this type of story. You are leaving readers hopeful that the three children are going to meet each other again in a better place, where they are no longer experiencing pain. I immediately realized they were experiencing this out of body experience when you say on p. 8 para. 6, “’MOM!’ she yelled, as she sped into the crowd. ‘Mom, I’m here!’”. It is obvious at this moment that Mira’s mom could not hear her, insinuating that she is speaking but cannot be heard. Your awareness of the 5 senses and how they work together is extremely strong, which makes for another great story.
Me,
The three questions I have for my second short story touch upon different elements of writing. My first question is, did you all like the paragraph breaks in the way that I made them, or should I instead write this story in the format of a “typical” essay with paragraphs close to one another and tabbed inward? Secondly, was there enough description throughout, with use of the 5 senses or was there too much, and where can I add/remove details? My third question is do you all like the overall length of my story, or should I add more to it?
Tommy
I really liked this. This story was so captivating and suspenseful. It is extremely emotional. I liked how you described the characters and tied into a story about death and a tragic accident. Especially by using the dispatch call in that start. And then going into the story of the kids that died in the accident. I thought it was about before the accident, not after. I only realized it was when they found the car and they were lost in the woods. I think that your descriptions of the characters are so in depth and shows who they are to the reader. I feel I have an attachment to them, and I like that they are playful and being themselves. Even though they are confused and worried about getting home. I don’t really have any suggestions. I really liked how you wrote it and organized it in the order and the scenes you wrote.
Elizabeth
This was really good. I really like the suspense you put in. Like is he going to talk to her or not. And then when he didn’t he wondered about it and learned from it. I love the quote you wrote “ There will always be people behind you, who are going to push you forward to reach your final destination.” I liked how you twisted this story from disappointment and sadness at the end to something uplifting. Capturing moving on from people or always wondering if it had gone this way. I think you could add something like a conversation with the barista about when he asks about her and then gets told. I liked the breaks and the small paragraphs. The descriptions of the senses made me captive in this story. I could feel the calmness of the cafe, I like being able to feel the sensations of what I am reading. So I can see it better in my head. I think that this story is good at its length I think it feels like ti has reached the end length for it.
1: This story is about a young group of children who are friends, but one of them (Benji) appears to be having a strange vision about a walk in the woods and some thin dude with blue, piercing, eyes. This is after the three of them appear to have been heavily injured/killed by a car accident.
2: I like how in many ways the story is lacking clarity, forcing the reader to think about what is actually happening. I also like how near the end, but before the final paragraph, the scope narrows to talking about Benji’s point of view as he is having this vision on his “deathbed”.
3: Questions:
Is the majority of the story Benji’s vision?
Who is the thin dude with black hair and blue, piercing eyes? An angel? God?
Who was driving the car? (the children are too young to do that)
What is the walk in the woods and the marketplace a metaphor for?
4: Perhaps make it slightly more clear how the middle portion (Benji’s vision) is related to the timing of the car accident and be more explicit about what this portion actually is. Am I misinterpreting it to be a vision?
“Aura”
1: This story is about a man reflecting on his younger self, who spent a great deal of time in a New York coffee shop in the presence of a girl he liked. Eventually, however, she moves to Los Angeles, which is difficult for him, since he missed the opportunity to talk with her. Eventually, though, he is able to move on with his life and experience this memory in a fleeting and painless way.
2: I liked the description of the coffee shop and its occupants, as well as the level of background detail about the narrator. This level of detail allowed us as readers to understand him as a person, while preserving the natural flow of the story.
3: What caused you to choose the coffee shop as a setting over the other potential ideal settings, such as a college campus?
4: Minor detail: the faded Yankees hat makes him seem like a New Yorker, even though he is from North Dakota. Maybe make it a faded Minnesota Twins hat?
Elizabeth
This was such a lovely read. I love that we named the city. I think if you choose to write a story taking place in a city you shouldn’t leave it a mystery. I like how you wrote New York. It’s such a strange, specific place and I enjoy how you chose to bring it to life. This is in some ways a love story, but maybe not the kind we are used to. Cause I do think this young man was in love. He cared very deeply about the girl in the coffee shop, but never figured out how to make that first connection. I think it’s really lovely how towards the end, it seems to me, the man comes to terms with the relationship. He appreciates what it was for what it was. I think that’s really beautiful. I think maybe that’s what this story is about: appreciating beautiful things for what they are in the moment. I think this is a really important lesson to learn. Life isn’t always as perfect as books, movies and influencers make it seem. It’s never that simple. All in all I think you paint a really beautiful picture describing all the senses and feelings of this little New York coffee shop. It’s unfortunate that it looks so much like the Central Perk in my mind. Friends really ruined New York for me. I think you let us get to know these never to be lovers pretty freaken well.
Elizabeth
This story follows a guy and a girl in New York city, the man is afraid to approach the woman, and then it is too late. He grapples with this loss even though they were mere acquaintances. The amount of imagery in this story makes the coffee shop come to life, surrounding this girl in particular. I think I like the narrator, and how he has grown fond of this woman, but not necessarily in a creepy way. Though watching her for two years without even saying hello is a little odd. I would suggest adding more dialogue to this story, as the reader is constantly in the narrator’s head and somehow not over hearing any chatter from the coffee shop. Maybe we could see him vocally ordering his espresso or talking with the workers more. Some dialogue would help break up the stream of consciousness that brings us through the story to show the reader things instead of just telling us by thoughts. Or maybe he overhears some of the zoom call when he’s sitting closer to her. I overall enjoyed this story and its format.
Tommy
I really like how this story is told in third person, I think it fits the plot and the genre well. The overarching storyline came together nicely, and the ending was very sad even though it was foreshadowed. For a while I was confused, especially when they discovered the market on the side of the mountain, even though I now know this is not a real place. I question whether Mira’s mom had died and that’s why she saw her at the market, even though I don’t need an answer to that. I liked how each way the group split off was a way to show their character, where Daniel silently slipped away while the others were sleeping somehow shows bravery of sorts. Mira chasing down her mom is a loyal and/or loving departure, and Benji is still barely hanging onto life. I would be curious to know where they were all headed or coming from before the accident.
Elizabeth:
Elizabeth, this was a very detailed piece from your main male character’s point of view. I liked how much you had evidently thought about this story. I felt like you had a detailed idea of each character which was really interesting to read. You had so much rich description I felt like you had been to this place. Your plot was so self reflective, and the setting was so detailed, I was really transported into this story. Lines like this one from the middle of page three, “The thick whirr of the frothing machine, dishes clattering and quiet murmur of voices must have been
soothing enough for her liking.” told a vivid story that I could really imagine. My one big question is how he knew so many subtle details about this girl. From the titles of the books she read to the flavor of crepe she ordered to the exact color of her laptop and glasses. I also want to know more about the main character at the end of the story. Its ten years later, what has caused him to suddenly remember the coffee shop girl so vividly? What has he learned since then? Is he in a relationship now? I wanted to understand more about this guy. Why was this girl so important to him? Was there a definitive reason he could never muster the courage to talk to her?
Tommy:
Tommy this was such an atmospheric read. It really crept up on you, and the moment I figured out what was really going on was so cool, it was a really interesting plot twist and I think you handled it with just the right amount of mystery. I particularly liked your descriptions of nature, they did a really good job of putting the reader in a place. I could really imagine the beautiful forest the children were in, and your description of the accident when the children found it was really well done. I also really like how you framed the piece with the events that take place in our physical world, juxtaposed with the in-between space that the children are literally and figuratively in. Additionally the way you approached what is essentially three children dying in a car accident was really impactful. You didn’t lean too far into the horror of this story, instead you leave us on a hopeful note. I especially like the part at the end where Benji is talking with the man;
“‘What comes next?’ the man said, smiling wider. The wind was howling now and the
trumpets had intensified. The fallen stars were ripping around the summit leaving glowing old
streaks in Benji’s vision. His ears were ringing but when the well dressed man put his lips to
Benji’s ear, his voice was clear as glass.
‘Why Benji, everything comes next.’”
My one big question for you is why the children were in the car together. What happened to the driver? It made me wonder if the driver was the mother of the little girl? She seems to see her mother and run off, so it was interesting to speculate about. Also there appears to only be the one car, so how did they get in the accident? Its interesting to not know and does add to the mystery of your story though, so I kind of liked being left with so many questions.
Hey Tommy,
Your story is about three young children in between earth and the afterlife, taking one last stroll together. They are unaware of what is going on but they want to go home and are confused as to why they are lost. They heard a honking sound that drew them to the crash site and wanted to help the people in the car but it was empty. They are able to relive and reminisce about their cherished memories until one by one they leave. I found this story to be very moving and beautiful. It seemed as if this story would be about children going on a adventure together in the forest but it came out to be so much more. The way you represented a horrific accident mixed with the peaceful passing of the children was very well done. The innocence and maturity of each child felt real and it was very moving. I like the vivid descriptions of their appearance and surroundings that captivate out attention. I kind of wished to see Benji’s memories before meeting the Grim Reaper/Death. Overall, this story really amazed me.
Hey Elizabeth,
This story is about a man recalling his memories about his cafe crush when he was 20 years old. He had learned from his experience with her that he does not want to live a life of “what ifs” after she had left without him ever making a move. The observations included a very well-described cafe. I felt as if I was in there with them, drinking a cup of coffee. The story was very immersive because of the smells and the sights. I really like how you tied in the first and last paragraph together, how he is at the busy intersection of 4th and 8th street. It is a contrast to where he was ten years ago, and where he is now. I do wish we were able to see more of how he first met her. The beginning paragraph describes that it was not through dating apps or any real-life interactions, but I want to see the first time he saw her. How did it happen? What were the emotions he felt when he first saw her? Was he at the cafe first and she walked in? I wish to see some more tension as I felt a little lost in the middle. Maybe we could have seen a slight perspective of this girl waiting for him to ask her out and then she moves? Perhaps including her giving him her number but he never saw it and it ended up crumpled up on the table?
This story captures a strong sense of atmosphere, building suspense and mystery with vivid descriptions. I particularly liked the shifts in tone between the opening 911 call and the kids’ adventure, which made the transitions feel like puzzle pieces gradually fitting together. Your imagery—like the golden autumn leaves and the mist weaving through the forest—really set the scene and brought the character’s journey to life. I also really loved that at no point in this story did I know where this was going; the twist in the story was so captivating.
Some things I especially found compelling in this:
– The tension you create with the car accident scene leads to a sense of eerie danger that sticks with the reader.
– The dynamics between the three kids felt genuine and relatable. Their playful exchanges, especially around the cookies, gave nice warmth and grounding to the darker, mysterious aspects of the story.
– The mysterious figure in the dark wool suit and the haunting setting add layers of intrigue.
A couple of suggestions: While the jump from the accident scene to the kids’ walk is intriguing, it might help to add a bit more connection from the crash to the kids walking in the woods, even if it’s at the end. I’m also assuming they aren’t really walking through the woods and that it is merely Benji dreaming that they are, but I think there could be some reflection on his memory of being in the car and what the last thing he remembered was: was he in the car driving as a minor and crashed the car, were they with one of their parents, does he remember crashing? If they had been walking in the woods for several days, wouldn’t they have been very hungry or thirsty? Maybe mentioning this or even the lack thereof if it isn’t a real walk. Or even some foreshadowing to his real physical pain in his dream, like his shin is actually in pain because it’s pinned against the steering wheel or some glass is in his abdomen and that he can feel this pain as he walks and as he gets closer to death maybe some foreshadowing by saying his starts to disappear.
Overall, you’ve done a fantastic job combining mystery, adventure, and a haunting, almost dreamlike quality that leaves the reader curious about “what’s next.” Great work!
Elizabeth:
Your story beautifully captures the melancholic, almost wistful nature of unspoke connections. The cafe setting is so richly detailed that I could easily picture myself there—the cozy, warm lighting, the smell of fresh coffee, and the jazz music all create a vivid atmosphere. I also enjoyed how you painted the girl’s character through small, everyday details like her leather journal, sage green pen, and fondness for classic books. These small observations made her feel real and intriguing, and I appreciated the narrator’s quiet admiration and curiosity for her. The subtle hints at the narrator’s loneliness and longing were also well done, adding emotional depth to his experience.
– What initially drew the narrator to this cafe, and how did he realize the girl’s schedule in the cafe to his own
What was the first time he saw her like?
– When he reflects on her years later, does seeing her or his memories of her impact any of his current relationships or choices (i.e. Did he not waste time the next time he saw a girl and start a conversation right away?)?
One suggestion I have is that the traffic light scene is powerful, symbolizing his decision to let go, but it could be even more impactful if you bring in a small memory of her—maybe the sound of jazz playing faintly on the street—to emphasize how her memory still lingers in a quiet way.
This is an incredible piece! I didn’t expect anything less after your first short story. This story is about a car accident on Old Fletcher Road and the woman Tonya Bradworth reported the accident. Throughout the story we find out that the kids that were involved in the accident are experiencing a kinda paranormal experience where they seem to be living outside of their bodies, when I read the line “MOM!” she yelled, as she sped into the crowd. “Mom, I’m here!” This was such an emotional part of your story that I loved. I really loved in the beginning how you added the 911 call. I think it was a great small amount of background information. You had such great detail that made the story easy to follow along with and understand. Overall this was an amazing story and was something different that I really enjoyed reading.
Elizabeth:
Elizabeth, this was such a good story! “Aura” Is about a guy who is nervous to approach a girl but then it is too late, and deals with the loss. The imagery in your story really brought it to life, I loved the line “You could smell the bold aromas of brewing coffee from a block away. The smell was so rich that it was awakening and uplifting, which added a level of sweetness to my days.” It really brought me into the city. I liked how the narrator after 2 yrs had gotten very fond of the woman and seemed to know her, without ever really talking to her. The only suggestion I have is just maybe more dialogue, I think it would work great in your story! But overall I really loved this story.
Elizabeth,
I really love the imagery you use to set the scene in the café on the first two pages. You make it really easy to visualize what this place looks like. It was also really clear that you have a great idea about the type of people that these characters are, and you show it through their behaviors and the way that they look and dress instead of just explaining why they are this way. It leads us to make assumptions that you are intending for us to make so that the explanation isn’t even necessary. I also really like how you push the story forward with this recollection of memory from the narrator. The only thing that stuck out to me and sort of pulled me out was the way that the narrator described the girl’s style from his perspective—the use of words like bandeau and maxi dresses and bohemian are not usually words that I hear men use because they don’t really have a reason to know them (I’m generalizing, this obviously not true for every man). I’m wondering if there is another way that they could be described without using such terms.
Tommy,
I really love the way that you build suspense through the kids’ walking in the woods. The mystery within it—the fog, the shadows, the sounds—really adds to the atmosphere. I like the surrealism that you bring to this story, it totally whisks us away and lets us experience the feelings of these kids. I think this was a really beautiful and emotional way to portray these unknowns, and I especially like that you approached this from the perspective of children. I like that you’re only letting us know as much as the kids know until the very end, it seems obvious but this improves the reading experience. I’m wondering who the driver of the car was, though—Mira’s mother? Maybe some clarity there would help, but I love that other than that, it’s up to the reader to figure it out for themself.
Tommy,
This was a great piece, and I think you did a very good job at immediately drawing the reader in to what the story is about to entail. I really enjoyed the details and the mini monologues you gave for each of the characters in the beginning because it allowed me to understand the story a little better. I thought you did a really good job at using descriptive language and involving the five senses in your story. Another thing I enjoyed was the third person perspective. I think the third-person perspective fits the plot and genre well, giving a clear view of each character’s journey and it also allows us as the reader to in a way be able to watch every scene throughout the story. Although the story’s end is sad, it feels natural and foreshadowed. One thing I was wondering from the start is where they were going or where were they coming back from. As a whole though I really enjoyed this story.
Elizabeth,
This story centers on a man reflecting on his missed chance with a woman he quietly admired for two years in a New York City coffee shop. He regrets never speaking to her, realizing he doesn’t want to live with “what ifs.” I think you did a great job with the immersive imagery; I think that this really does a great job at bringing the coffee shop to life for the reader. I felt like the narrator’s fondness for this woman is relatable, though it’s slightly unusual that he never worked up the courage to say hello and I think the story’s structure works well, especially with how you contrast the intersection he stands at now with where he was ten years ago. This creates a sense of growth and distance. I think some dialogue could help the story in the sense that it breaks up the character’s monologue through his thoughts that we get throughout the story. As a whole though, I thought it was a thoughtful piece that resonates with anyone who’s ever wondered about risks or chances not taken.
No joke, you are one of the most gifted writers I have ever met. “What’s Next?” is an incredibly dynamic and deep story that talks about the idea of death, and the visuals you paint in it are not only phenomenal, but haunting. You really show your creativity and your technical skills are on full display here. Everything from the tone of the story, to the order of all of your scenes, to even the names of your characters, everything is perfection. For me, your strongest parts are the 9-1-1 call at the beginning of your story. It was hauntingly realistic and I really love how you chose to start your story off like this. Furthermore, it lets the reader know that something terrible has happened, but I didn’t catch that Benji and his friends were the victim until I understood the idea of the market place. Also, on page 7, the way you describe the picture of the silhouettes coming out of the fog was terrifying. It really felt like you were doing a reimagination of John Carpenter’s “The Fog”, so I loved the element of thriller and horror you had there. Finally, the last paragraph of this story gave me literal chills. The reveal that Benji, Mira and Daniel all just got into a fatal car accident and ending with a smile across Benji’s face is an image that will stick with me for years to come. Everything was pretty close to perfect, and I applaud you for your incredible writing skills, dude.
Elizabeth
“Aura” is a very inventive story and really reshapes the genre of short fiction. Your ability to set the stage, describe the characters and use non traditional descriptions to build character and scenery are remarkable. For instance, the choices of material and color, like orange for the beaming sun and the Mahogony tables, it really got me feeling like I was sitting in my local Coffee Shop back in Newton. I don’t even drink coffee and I felt such a connection to this story. The whole idea of being too afraid to make a move, and missing out on your opportunity is super important, because it happens more than we think. The last line on page 8, where you say “Her aura is simply a memory now, and I let it go without a word.” is a super powerful way to end the story, and is a powerful message to those reading this story that are in a similar state. I also like the line “My coffees never tasted the same” on page 7 because of how many different ways it could be interpreted. I interpret as everything changing to him in that very moment, and it is super powerful to think about that. I also like how you describe the girl’s order so well, to the point that I envision her leaving the lemon crepe on her table every time. Like damn, how big is that crepe? I think my only suggestion would be to maybe spend a little less time describing the scenery and setting and instead try to build exposition of the characters, because some of your plot got a little lost to me with all of the descriptions. Overall, a really intelligent take on the genre and a beautifully written story. Well Done.
Elizabeth’s story was very compelling and kept me interested the whole way through. The story is about a person being affected by the presence (or Aura) or another person without having said a word to them. That might’ve been my favorite element, even if others might think differently. I actually really enjoyed the lack of dialogue in this story. It made the story feel quiet, calming, and pensive. While I think adding more dialogue could add to the story, I really enjoy the feeling it has now without it. Something else I really enjoyed in this story was the descriptions. The way the main character describes things puts you right into their shoes, and makes you feel like you’re there, which is an important element of writing. The way the main character describes the girl helps you to understand how they feel about her, what affect she has on them. Overall, I thought the story was well thought out and executed, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t have any suggestions.
13 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 18”
Tommy,
This is another incredible piece that you have brought to the class. I especially like how you included the beginning section giving readers background on what the date is, where the story is taking place, and what exactly is going on before the story fully begins. This is a story about a car accident on Old Fletcher Road, and the caller is Tanya Bardworth. She called in this car accident that, from the beginning, appears to have involve kids. As we work throughout the story, we realize that the kids are experiencing life outside their own bodies and reminisce on their adventure in the woods. You have such descriptive detail throughout your story, and I especially enjoyed your last page. On p. 11 para. 6, you write, “As his breath rattles out of his broken lungs, one might almost think they could see the hint of a smile creep into his face and perhaps, somehow, three friends have just been reunited”. This is such a powerful line, and is the perfect closing sentence for this type of story. You are leaving readers hopeful that the three children are going to meet each other again in a better place, where they are no longer experiencing pain. I immediately realized they were experiencing this out of body experience when you say on p. 8 para. 6, “’MOM!’ she yelled, as she sped into the crowd. ‘Mom, I’m here!’”. It is obvious at this moment that Mira’s mom could not hear her, insinuating that she is speaking but cannot be heard. Your awareness of the 5 senses and how they work together is extremely strong, which makes for another great story.
Me,
The three questions I have for my second short story touch upon different elements of writing. My first question is, did you all like the paragraph breaks in the way that I made them, or should I instead write this story in the format of a “typical” essay with paragraphs close to one another and tabbed inward? Secondly, was there enough description throughout, with use of the 5 senses or was there too much, and where can I add/remove details? My third question is do you all like the overall length of my story, or should I add more to it?
Tommy
I really liked this. This story was so captivating and suspenseful. It is extremely emotional. I liked how you described the characters and tied into a story about death and a tragic accident. Especially by using the dispatch call in that start. And then going into the story of the kids that died in the accident. I thought it was about before the accident, not after. I only realized it was when they found the car and they were lost in the woods. I think that your descriptions of the characters are so in depth and shows who they are to the reader. I feel I have an attachment to them, and I like that they are playful and being themselves. Even though they are confused and worried about getting home. I don’t really have any suggestions. I really liked how you wrote it and organized it in the order and the scenes you wrote.
Elizabeth
This was really good. I really like the suspense you put in. Like is he going to talk to her or not. And then when he didn’t he wondered about it and learned from it. I love the quote you wrote “ There will always be people behind you, who are going to push you forward to reach your final destination.” I liked how you twisted this story from disappointment and sadness at the end to something uplifting. Capturing moving on from people or always wondering if it had gone this way. I think you could add something like a conversation with the barista about when he asks about her and then gets told. I liked the breaks and the small paragraphs. The descriptions of the senses made me captive in this story. I could feel the calmness of the cafe, I like being able to feel the sensations of what I am reading. So I can see it better in my head. I think that this story is good at its length I think it feels like ti has reached the end length for it.
“What’s Next”
1: This story is about a young group of children who are friends, but one of them (Benji) appears to be having a strange vision about a walk in the woods and some thin dude with blue, piercing, eyes. This is after the three of them appear to have been heavily injured/killed by a car accident.
2: I like how in many ways the story is lacking clarity, forcing the reader to think about what is actually happening. I also like how near the end, but before the final paragraph, the scope narrows to talking about Benji’s point of view as he is having this vision on his “deathbed”.
3: Questions:
Is the majority of the story Benji’s vision?
Who is the thin dude with black hair and blue, piercing eyes? An angel? God?
Who was driving the car? (the children are too young to do that)
What is the walk in the woods and the marketplace a metaphor for?
4: Perhaps make it slightly more clear how the middle portion (Benji’s vision) is related to the timing of the car accident and be more explicit about what this portion actually is. Am I misinterpreting it to be a vision?
“Aura”
1: This story is about a man reflecting on his younger self, who spent a great deal of time in a New York coffee shop in the presence of a girl he liked. Eventually, however, she moves to Los Angeles, which is difficult for him, since he missed the opportunity to talk with her. Eventually, though, he is able to move on with his life and experience this memory in a fleeting and painless way.
2: I liked the description of the coffee shop and its occupants, as well as the level of background detail about the narrator. This level of detail allowed us as readers to understand him as a person, while preserving the natural flow of the story.
3: What caused you to choose the coffee shop as a setting over the other potential ideal settings, such as a college campus?
4: Minor detail: the faded Yankees hat makes him seem like a New Yorker, even though he is from North Dakota. Maybe make it a faded Minnesota Twins hat?
Journal #18
Elizabeth
This was such a lovely read. I love that we named the city. I think if you choose to write a story taking place in a city you shouldn’t leave it a mystery. I like how you wrote New York. It’s such a strange, specific place and I enjoy how you chose to bring it to life. This is in some ways a love story, but maybe not the kind we are used to. Cause I do think this young man was in love. He cared very deeply about the girl in the coffee shop, but never figured out how to make that first connection. I think it’s really lovely how towards the end, it seems to me, the man comes to terms with the relationship. He appreciates what it was for what it was. I think that’s really beautiful. I think maybe that’s what this story is about: appreciating beautiful things for what they are in the moment. I think this is a really important lesson to learn. Life isn’t always as perfect as books, movies and influencers make it seem. It’s never that simple. All in all I think you paint a really beautiful picture describing all the senses and feelings of this little New York coffee shop. It’s unfortunate that it looks so much like the Central Perk in my mind. Friends really ruined New York for me. I think you let us get to know these never to be lovers pretty freaken well.
Elizabeth
This story follows a guy and a girl in New York city, the man is afraid to approach the woman, and then it is too late. He grapples with this loss even though they were mere acquaintances. The amount of imagery in this story makes the coffee shop come to life, surrounding this girl in particular. I think I like the narrator, and how he has grown fond of this woman, but not necessarily in a creepy way. Though watching her for two years without even saying hello is a little odd. I would suggest adding more dialogue to this story, as the reader is constantly in the narrator’s head and somehow not over hearing any chatter from the coffee shop. Maybe we could see him vocally ordering his espresso or talking with the workers more. Some dialogue would help break up the stream of consciousness that brings us through the story to show the reader things instead of just telling us by thoughts. Or maybe he overhears some of the zoom call when he’s sitting closer to her. I overall enjoyed this story and its format.
Tommy
I really like how this story is told in third person, I think it fits the plot and the genre well. The overarching storyline came together nicely, and the ending was very sad even though it was foreshadowed. For a while I was confused, especially when they discovered the market on the side of the mountain, even though I now know this is not a real place. I question whether Mira’s mom had died and that’s why she saw her at the market, even though I don’t need an answer to that. I liked how each way the group split off was a way to show their character, where Daniel silently slipped away while the others were sleeping somehow shows bravery of sorts. Mira chasing down her mom is a loyal and/or loving departure, and Benji is still barely hanging onto life. I would be curious to know where they were all headed or coming from before the accident.
Elizabeth:
Elizabeth, this was a very detailed piece from your main male character’s point of view. I liked how much you had evidently thought about this story. I felt like you had a detailed idea of each character which was really interesting to read. You had so much rich description I felt like you had been to this place. Your plot was so self reflective, and the setting was so detailed, I was really transported into this story. Lines like this one from the middle of page three, “The thick whirr of the frothing machine, dishes clattering and quiet murmur of voices must have been
soothing enough for her liking.” told a vivid story that I could really imagine. My one big question is how he knew so many subtle details about this girl. From the titles of the books she read to the flavor of crepe she ordered to the exact color of her laptop and glasses. I also want to know more about the main character at the end of the story. Its ten years later, what has caused him to suddenly remember the coffee shop girl so vividly? What has he learned since then? Is he in a relationship now? I wanted to understand more about this guy. Why was this girl so important to him? Was there a definitive reason he could never muster the courage to talk to her?
Tommy:
Tommy this was such an atmospheric read. It really crept up on you, and the moment I figured out what was really going on was so cool, it was a really interesting plot twist and I think you handled it with just the right amount of mystery. I particularly liked your descriptions of nature, they did a really good job of putting the reader in a place. I could really imagine the beautiful forest the children were in, and your description of the accident when the children found it was really well done. I also really like how you framed the piece with the events that take place in our physical world, juxtaposed with the in-between space that the children are literally and figuratively in. Additionally the way you approached what is essentially three children dying in a car accident was really impactful. You didn’t lean too far into the horror of this story, instead you leave us on a hopeful note. I especially like the part at the end where Benji is talking with the man;
“‘What comes next?’ the man said, smiling wider. The wind was howling now and the
trumpets had intensified. The fallen stars were ripping around the summit leaving glowing old
streaks in Benji’s vision. His ears were ringing but when the well dressed man put his lips to
Benji’s ear, his voice was clear as glass.
‘Why Benji, everything comes next.’”
My one big question for you is why the children were in the car together. What happened to the driver? It made me wonder if the driver was the mother of the little girl? She seems to see her mother and run off, so it was interesting to speculate about. Also there appears to only be the one car, so how did they get in the accident? Its interesting to not know and does add to the mystery of your story though, so I kind of liked being left with so many questions.
Hey Tommy,
Your story is about three young children in between earth and the afterlife, taking one last stroll together. They are unaware of what is going on but they want to go home and are confused as to why they are lost. They heard a honking sound that drew them to the crash site and wanted to help the people in the car but it was empty. They are able to relive and reminisce about their cherished memories until one by one they leave. I found this story to be very moving and beautiful. It seemed as if this story would be about children going on a adventure together in the forest but it came out to be so much more. The way you represented a horrific accident mixed with the peaceful passing of the children was very well done. The innocence and maturity of each child felt real and it was very moving. I like the vivid descriptions of their appearance and surroundings that captivate out attention. I kind of wished to see Benji’s memories before meeting the Grim Reaper/Death. Overall, this story really amazed me.
Hey Elizabeth,
This story is about a man recalling his memories about his cafe crush when he was 20 years old. He had learned from his experience with her that he does not want to live a life of “what ifs” after she had left without him ever making a move. The observations included a very well-described cafe. I felt as if I was in there with them, drinking a cup of coffee. The story was very immersive because of the smells and the sights. I really like how you tied in the first and last paragraph together, how he is at the busy intersection of 4th and 8th street. It is a contrast to where he was ten years ago, and where he is now. I do wish we were able to see more of how he first met her. The beginning paragraph describes that it was not through dating apps or any real-life interactions, but I want to see the first time he saw her. How did it happen? What were the emotions he felt when he first saw her? Was he at the cafe first and she walked in? I wish to see some more tension as I felt a little lost in the middle. Maybe we could have seen a slight perspective of this girl waiting for him to ask her out and then she moves? Perhaps including her giving him her number but he never saw it and it ended up crumpled up on the table?
Tommy:
This story captures a strong sense of atmosphere, building suspense and mystery with vivid descriptions. I particularly liked the shifts in tone between the opening 911 call and the kids’ adventure, which made the transitions feel like puzzle pieces gradually fitting together. Your imagery—like the golden autumn leaves and the mist weaving through the forest—really set the scene and brought the character’s journey to life. I also really loved that at no point in this story did I know where this was going; the twist in the story was so captivating.
Some things I especially found compelling in this:
– The tension you create with the car accident scene leads to a sense of eerie danger that sticks with the reader.
– The dynamics between the three kids felt genuine and relatable. Their playful exchanges, especially around the cookies, gave nice warmth and grounding to the darker, mysterious aspects of the story.
– The mysterious figure in the dark wool suit and the haunting setting add layers of intrigue.
A couple of suggestions: While the jump from the accident scene to the kids’ walk is intriguing, it might help to add a bit more connection from the crash to the kids walking in the woods, even if it’s at the end. I’m also assuming they aren’t really walking through the woods and that it is merely Benji dreaming that they are, but I think there could be some reflection on his memory of being in the car and what the last thing he remembered was: was he in the car driving as a minor and crashed the car, were they with one of their parents, does he remember crashing? If they had been walking in the woods for several days, wouldn’t they have been very hungry or thirsty? Maybe mentioning this or even the lack thereof if it isn’t a real walk. Or even some foreshadowing to his real physical pain in his dream, like his shin is actually in pain because it’s pinned against the steering wheel or some glass is in his abdomen and that he can feel this pain as he walks and as he gets closer to death maybe some foreshadowing by saying his starts to disappear.
Overall, you’ve done a fantastic job combining mystery, adventure, and a haunting, almost dreamlike quality that leaves the reader curious about “what’s next.” Great work!
Elizabeth:
Your story beautifully captures the melancholic, almost wistful nature of unspoke connections. The cafe setting is so richly detailed that I could easily picture myself there—the cozy, warm lighting, the smell of fresh coffee, and the jazz music all create a vivid atmosphere. I also enjoyed how you painted the girl’s character through small, everyday details like her leather journal, sage green pen, and fondness for classic books. These small observations made her feel real and intriguing, and I appreciated the narrator’s quiet admiration and curiosity for her. The subtle hints at the narrator’s loneliness and longing were also well done, adding emotional depth to his experience.
– What initially drew the narrator to this cafe, and how did he realize the girl’s schedule in the cafe to his own
What was the first time he saw her like?
– When he reflects on her years later, does seeing her or his memories of her impact any of his current relationships or choices (i.e. Did he not waste time the next time he saw a girl and start a conversation right away?)?
One suggestion I have is that the traffic light scene is powerful, symbolizing his decision to let go, but it could be even more impactful if you bring in a small memory of her—maybe the sound of jazz playing faintly on the street—to emphasize how her memory still lingers in a quiet way.
Tommy:
This is an incredible piece! I didn’t expect anything less after your first short story. This story is about a car accident on Old Fletcher Road and the woman Tonya Bradworth reported the accident. Throughout the story we find out that the kids that were involved in the accident are experiencing a kinda paranormal experience where they seem to be living outside of their bodies, when I read the line “MOM!” she yelled, as she sped into the crowd. “Mom, I’m here!” This was such an emotional part of your story that I loved. I really loved in the beginning how you added the 911 call. I think it was a great small amount of background information. You had such great detail that made the story easy to follow along with and understand. Overall this was an amazing story and was something different that I really enjoyed reading.
Elizabeth:
Elizabeth, this was such a good story! “Aura” Is about a guy who is nervous to approach a girl but then it is too late, and deals with the loss. The imagery in your story really brought it to life, I loved the line “You could smell the bold aromas of brewing coffee from a block away. The smell was so rich that it was awakening and uplifting, which added a level of sweetness to my days.” It really brought me into the city. I liked how the narrator after 2 yrs had gotten very fond of the woman and seemed to know her, without ever really talking to her. The only suggestion I have is just maybe more dialogue, I think it would work great in your story! But overall I really loved this story.
Elizabeth,
I really love the imagery you use to set the scene in the café on the first two pages. You make it really easy to visualize what this place looks like. It was also really clear that you have a great idea about the type of people that these characters are, and you show it through their behaviors and the way that they look and dress instead of just explaining why they are this way. It leads us to make assumptions that you are intending for us to make so that the explanation isn’t even necessary. I also really like how you push the story forward with this recollection of memory from the narrator. The only thing that stuck out to me and sort of pulled me out was the way that the narrator described the girl’s style from his perspective—the use of words like bandeau and maxi dresses and bohemian are not usually words that I hear men use because they don’t really have a reason to know them (I’m generalizing, this obviously not true for every man). I’m wondering if there is another way that they could be described without using such terms.
Tommy,
I really love the way that you build suspense through the kids’ walking in the woods. The mystery within it—the fog, the shadows, the sounds—really adds to the atmosphere. I like the surrealism that you bring to this story, it totally whisks us away and lets us experience the feelings of these kids. I think this was a really beautiful and emotional way to portray these unknowns, and I especially like that you approached this from the perspective of children. I like that you’re only letting us know as much as the kids know until the very end, it seems obvious but this improves the reading experience. I’m wondering who the driver of the car was, though—Mira’s mother? Maybe some clarity there would help, but I love that other than that, it’s up to the reader to figure it out for themself.
Tommy,
This was a great piece, and I think you did a very good job at immediately drawing the reader in to what the story is about to entail. I really enjoyed the details and the mini monologues you gave for each of the characters in the beginning because it allowed me to understand the story a little better. I thought you did a really good job at using descriptive language and involving the five senses in your story. Another thing I enjoyed was the third person perspective. I think the third-person perspective fits the plot and genre well, giving a clear view of each character’s journey and it also allows us as the reader to in a way be able to watch every scene throughout the story. Although the story’s end is sad, it feels natural and foreshadowed. One thing I was wondering from the start is where they were going or where were they coming back from. As a whole though I really enjoyed this story.
Elizabeth,
This story centers on a man reflecting on his missed chance with a woman he quietly admired for two years in a New York City coffee shop. He regrets never speaking to her, realizing he doesn’t want to live with “what ifs.” I think you did a great job with the immersive imagery; I think that this really does a great job at bringing the coffee shop to life for the reader. I felt like the narrator’s fondness for this woman is relatable, though it’s slightly unusual that he never worked up the courage to say hello and I think the story’s structure works well, especially with how you contrast the intersection he stands at now with where he was ten years ago. This creates a sense of growth and distance. I think some dialogue could help the story in the sense that it breaks up the character’s monologue through his thoughts that we get throughout the story. As a whole though, I thought it was a thoughtful piece that resonates with anyone who’s ever wondered about risks or chances not taken.
Tommy,
No joke, you are one of the most gifted writers I have ever met. “What’s Next?” is an incredibly dynamic and deep story that talks about the idea of death, and the visuals you paint in it are not only phenomenal, but haunting. You really show your creativity and your technical skills are on full display here. Everything from the tone of the story, to the order of all of your scenes, to even the names of your characters, everything is perfection. For me, your strongest parts are the 9-1-1 call at the beginning of your story. It was hauntingly realistic and I really love how you chose to start your story off like this. Furthermore, it lets the reader know that something terrible has happened, but I didn’t catch that Benji and his friends were the victim until I understood the idea of the market place. Also, on page 7, the way you describe the picture of the silhouettes coming out of the fog was terrifying. It really felt like you were doing a reimagination of John Carpenter’s “The Fog”, so I loved the element of thriller and horror you had there. Finally, the last paragraph of this story gave me literal chills. The reveal that Benji, Mira and Daniel all just got into a fatal car accident and ending with a smile across Benji’s face is an image that will stick with me for years to come. Everything was pretty close to perfect, and I applaud you for your incredible writing skills, dude.
Elizabeth
“Aura” is a very inventive story and really reshapes the genre of short fiction. Your ability to set the stage, describe the characters and use non traditional descriptions to build character and scenery are remarkable. For instance, the choices of material and color, like orange for the beaming sun and the Mahogony tables, it really got me feeling like I was sitting in my local Coffee Shop back in Newton. I don’t even drink coffee and I felt such a connection to this story. The whole idea of being too afraid to make a move, and missing out on your opportunity is super important, because it happens more than we think. The last line on page 8, where you say “Her aura is simply a memory now, and I let it go without a word.” is a super powerful way to end the story, and is a powerful message to those reading this story that are in a similar state. I also like the line “My coffees never tasted the same” on page 7 because of how many different ways it could be interpreted. I interpret as everything changing to him in that very moment, and it is super powerful to think about that. I also like how you describe the girl’s order so well, to the point that I envision her leaving the lemon crepe on her table every time. Like damn, how big is that crepe? I think my only suggestion would be to maybe spend a little less time describing the scenery and setting and instead try to build exposition of the characters, because some of your plot got a little lost to me with all of the descriptions. Overall, a really intelligent take on the genre and a beautifully written story. Well Done.
Elizabeth’s story was very compelling and kept me interested the whole way through. The story is about a person being affected by the presence (or Aura) or another person without having said a word to them. That might’ve been my favorite element, even if others might think differently. I actually really enjoyed the lack of dialogue in this story. It made the story feel quiet, calming, and pensive. While I think adding more dialogue could add to the story, I really enjoy the feeling it has now without it. Something else I really enjoyed in this story was the descriptions. The way the main character describes things puts you right into their shoes, and makes you feel like you’re there, which is an important element of writing. The way the main character describes the girl helps you to understand how they feel about her, what affect she has on them. Overall, I thought the story was well thought out and executed, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t have any suggestions.