I really enjoyed reading this story. Your title fits well with the main element of your story, which is a gold necklace. When I looked up the title of your paper, I found that Brisingamen is the necklace of a goddess named Freya in Norse mythology. It is also referred to as the necklace of destiny. You start the story off with describing a fly who crashed into a stained glass window. This fly then carves a piece of the window out and finds a gold necklace. The bug then pulled the necklace through the window and flew off. What I like most about this introduction is that you italicized it, making it obvious that it is background info, leading into the rest of your story. The detail of the chipped window is carried throughout the rest of the story, especially when you introduce readers to the chipping bark on the oak tree. You have a great story overall with “separate” scenes. A suggestion I do have is to make your sentences longer, instead of breaking them up in the way you did. Especially towards the beginning it was a bit hard to read, and I think that combining some of your sentences together will make it read at a slower pace. I also hope that you expand your story further and enhance the details in some of the scenes you have included in your story.
Quinnly
This story is about a 17 year old figure skater named Sloane. She trains under Coach Hart who became a mother to Sloane when hers passed. She is a competitive skater and received a perfect score on her routine early in the story. Later, we find out that when she is giving a skating lesson to younger students, she falls and gets a concussion and has some nerve damage that leaves her unable to move like she used to. One suggestion I have for you would be to eliminate your run on sentences and make them a bit shorter. One place in particular is the first sentence of your story. Ultimately, this one sentence could be separated into three different ones and could read as follows; “As soon as my blades hit the ice I know exactly what to do. I position myself into my starting pose and wait for the familiar music to start. Sweat already starting to climb down my forehead, the constant thoughts of failure flood through my head, and I try to push them out”. The first and last sentences of a story make or break the entirety of a story, and I think that separating your sentence in the way I suggested, would make readers more eager to read the rest of your story.
Quinnly
Love this! I really liked the action in it of the skaters on the ice. This story is about a young woman who loves figure skating and teaching figure skating. She is finding who she is and seeing how much the sport means to her, when she loses it. I think that this story is definitely not done yet. I really liked how you wrote the character. I want the best for her and for her to get what she wants. I like her a lot. I like that this story seems to flow through the scenes. Maybe it needs a bit of world building or grounding because Is she in high school? Or is it summer? She is 17 so more on the scholarship to help her further her career? Also I feel like Connell just appears in the story. Maybe mention him a bit before she has an internal monologue about how they know each other.
Phoebe:
Phoebe, this story was a really interesting experimental piece. I liked it, it felt a bit like a fever dream. I enjoyed how much you seem to love language and experimenting with it. I also liked the motif of the insect life that carried us in and out of your story. We are carried into your story on the wings of the fly and then snapped out of it as you smack the fly to death at the end. For example, “Flies are nasty little things. Hurling itself about the room. While he chased it with a sock. He finally got it by his bedside table and disposed of the corpse with a tissue in his burgundy metal trash can.” My only thought for you is that sometimes it got a little too confusing. Clearer syntax would help the reader flow through your story more easily and follow your thoughts.
Quinnly:
Quinnly, this story was an interesting depiction of sports injury and its effect on young athletes. I used to love watching figure skating as a child and this story really made the reader feel like they were a part of a skater’s world. I liked the introduction of her back pain so early on, it clued me into the greater plot and got me worrying for Sloan. I also liked how you introduced the distant relationship with her father; without telling us that they had a distant relationship, you showed us their dynamics really well. I felt like her father being an ER Doctor was an ominous sign, so that was good foreshadowing. I thought the relationship between Sloan and Conell was well introduced, but I would’ve enjoyed a little more background story about the two of them. I have some questions about her head injury though. How did they know she couldn’t feel her legs when she hadn’t woken up yet for example. Also, how was she so calm when faced with her entire world falling apart around her- is it because she’s already suffered losses? Is she going to have a breakdown later? I wanted to know more of her story.
I really liked Quinnly’s story. The main character is likeable, and her love for skating is obvious in how she acts, says, and feels. You can tell how incredibly important it is to her, as well as how important the people involved in it are to her. Something I really liked in this story was the relationships Sloane had. Her relationship with her dad is good, despite his absences, they really love and care for each other. While there was an opportunity to create more tension there, I really enjoyed how there was more love than anything. Her relationship with Connell is probably my favorite part of the story. The description of how they bickered and fought, and their childhood paired with how they act and behave in the present time makes for a good dynamic. You can tell Connell feels something for her, but she hasn’t quite figured it out yet. As far as suggestions, besides a few formatting errors, there’s nothing I’d like to see changed!
Phoebe’s story was very interesting and compelling. I really enjoyed the use of the fly to keep the story going. The way things were described in the italicized paragraphs made the story more enjoyable and I enjoyed the quick pause for a change in point of view. Each time something changes in the italicized paragraph, the point of view changes a bit, and the story changes. I really enjoyed that and thought it was a nice way to write something just a little different. My only suggestion is that while I really enjoyed the set up, I would try to make it a bit clearer what’s going on. I was able to follow it for the most part, but I did get lost a few times. Otherwise, I really enjoyed it!
Quinnly:
I was instantly drawn in by Sloane’s passion and dedication to her skating, and you did a fantastic job conveying her love for the sport alongside her fears and physical pain. Her relationship with Coach Hart feels authentic and heartfelt, especially with Coach’s maternal role in Sloane’s life. I also liked how you incorporated small details, like Sloane’s room painted to resemble ice, which adds a lot to her character’s depth and passion. The camaraderie with Connell and her budding rivalry with Jess add some fun layers to her world, making it feel rich and dynamic.
A few questions I had while reading: Will Sloane’s injury reveal anything deeper about her that she’s been avoiding? Is her relationship with Connell purely friendship, or do you intend to explore a possible romance? I’m also curious about the role her dad will play in her recovery, given his past distance and her struggle with feeling supported by him.
As for suggestions, maybe consider slowing down slightly in the initial competition scene to build up Sloane’s tension and anticipation before she sees her score. This could deepen the emotional impact when she achieves that perfect score. Also, when Sloane has her accident, perhaps give a bit more sensory detail—what does she hear or feel in those disorienting moments? It might heighten the reader’s empathy for her situation.
Phoebe:
Brisingamen draws readers into a haunting and atmospheric journey that feels like a modern folktale interwoven with powerful, symbolic imagery. The alternating perspectives create an intriguing duality, especially with the initial bug’s thievery, which sets an eerie tone. I loved how you personified the insect as it meticulously steals the necklace—it almost feels like a mischievous creature from mythology, which mirrors the mythic feel of the stolen necklace’s backstory.
Siggy’s narrative, especially in the scenes with her yellow bug car and her strained relationship, has an unsettling quality. The imagery you used, like the oak tree bearing bruises and the broken glass “webbing” under pressure, subtly conveys themes of decay and entrapment. It seems like these physical symbols echo her inner life and her complex relationship with James, hinting at unspoken conflicts and suppressed frustrations. Her friend Monya’s small acts of humor and fidgeting also add a touch of grounded reality, giving readers a momentary relief from the story’s intensity.
I do think the transitions between scenes could be a bit smoother to help the reader keep track of each perspective shift. Also, it might help to deepen Siggy’s internal reflections on her situation—especially the oak tree’s role in her life and why she’s held back from cutting it down. This could further emphasize the tree as a symbol of her past and her struggle to move forward.
Phoebe
This was such a mystical tale. You weave such a web of information I am both confused and mesmerized by it. I love how you describe the situations and the feelings. I feel as though I am seeing everything through a dream (unironically). I have so many questions. This story feels like pure poetry. It’s so beautiful, but I’m struggling to put my finger on why or what I enjoy so much. I honestly don’t know if I even understand what the story is about after the first read. I might have to return to it again. Overall I really liked this story, and I hope I can learn to write in this same mystical voice you use.
Quinly
Damn girl you really were just like, “What’s the saddest thing I can write.” I am kidding of course. This was a really polished story. Your dialogue flows well and your characters’ personalities interact well. I really liked your opening, and you buried the hint about the looming injury really well. I also love how she teaches the kids. I think that is really authentic. People who are really incredible at something, usually enjoy teaching. I think you should go over the scene in the hospital. I think a doctor would be a little more careful and empathetic when telling someone they have nerve damage. Overall I really enjoyed this story, good work!
Phoebe I really enjoyed your story! I thought it was so different! Your story starts off with a fly that crashes into a stained glass window, the fly ends up finding a necklace and takes it and flys off. This was great background detail to start off your story and I really enjoyed it. Your story is full of information, which one might find too much but I didn’t mind it. Your detail with certain things throughout the story like sweaters with tall turtlenecks which are written really well. Only suggestion I have is working on the sentence structure. But I really enjoyed this story! You did a great job!
Quinnly,
I like how you illustrated your main character’s love for skating by her room color and her trophies, as well as her willingness to look past the pain she feels, which was a really great seed that you planted right at the beginning. I would pay more attention to what tense you write in, because it sometimes switches. I also feel like Sloane’s interaction with the doctor at the hospital really pulled me out of it. The doctor felt very cold, and I find it unlikely that they wouldn’t wait for her dad to return from getting coffee to share that news with her because she’s still a child. I also think that they would explain further rather than dropping that bomb and then just leaving. I’d like to see more on her relationship with Connell, because it felt like it was supposed to go somewhere but it didn’t really change from beginning to end. They seem to have an interesting history with one another, I’d really love to hear more about it!
Phoebe,
The way that you write is so gentle. Like you’re sprinkling the story onto the page instead of typing it. It’s clear that you have details in your head which are happening outside of the scope of the reader but that still influence and inform the story. The only thing I had an issue with was clarity—it’s sort of easy to get lost in this and have to go back and reread, especially because the sentences are quite short and choppy. Other than that, you brought this to life so beautifully.
Hey Phoebe,
Your story is about a dream that someone had. I’m kind of confused as to what was going on half the time but I was very intrigued. The descriptions you had in your story were very detailed and visual. Right off the bat I was pulled into the story with the description of the fly and how it’s chainsaw arms were able to drill a hole through the glass. The way it stole the necklace and flew out with it felt like some sort of interesting fantasy novel. I don’t know why but it reminded me of the movie called the Great Mouse Detective. I am interested in what the tree could have represented and how it was mentioned in multiple pages I know it was big and it became abused and sickly towards the end and one of them wish to see that the tree cut down. Was there an actual case of abuse? Did James intentionally ram his truck into the girl? And it truly felt like a dream of how confusing it was with all the intervals and scenes jumping from one to another. I do wish that it wasn’t like a typical cliché ending of oh it was only just a dream.
Hey Quinnly,
Your story is about a high school figure skater who gets into an accident which progresses the damage in her spine. She is told she cannot skate for months and maybe even up to a year. She lives at home with her father and seeks validation from her coach who is like a mother to her. We got to see more of her personality through the children and how she wishes she was as good as Isabella when she was a kid. That shows how insecure she is and the high standards she has for herself. I liked Connell and how he was a comedic relief and helped with the tension. I really wish they could have started the story with her waking up from the accident or maybe even the day of the accident. I felt like you rush the story and I would’ve love to see more of the recovery. Sharing her resilience and strength would have made the story progress as I feel the backstory was unnecessary.
Phoebe
This story has a lot of different moving parts that inevitably loop in on itself. I imagined much of this piece as a continuous camera shot, following this woman as she went through these life events without care for how she traveled due to the presence of a dreamscape. I also read this as a novel start, even though I do not think that was the intention. The portions in italics about the fly and the stag stuck out to me, and it feels like if this were a novel we would get more of these. I loved these animal scenes for how they were written and the imagery/detail included in them. I was intrigued and possibly wanted more even. Though having the ending be a dream, I don’t mind it here, simply because of the flow of the writing and “camera” movement. Also If I am still considering this a novel start, all of this could have larger implications later on. My main suggestion is being careful with past and present tense since there are some places where there are both in the same sentence. And, as I said, I honestly might want more of these animal/italics scenes, just out of curiosity, and how expressive they are.
Quinnly
This is a story about an aspiring ice skater who takes a terrible fall one day. I liked the narrative as a whole, the flow and progression of the story was nice and kept me engaged. As someone who skates frequently, getting caught in the shaved ice clusters is the worst, and it makes your story very plausible and relatable, since I have fallen many times from these patches as well. I am curious why the zamboni wouldn’t be out before the lessons began, but not something that is necessary to include. I would possibly suggest including more about the pain with nerve damage, since it really makes everything super painful especially when you turn your legs, that sends very sharp pain through them. Another potential addition is possibly having one of the other girls she is teaching fall from these patches as an almost foreshadowing aspect. I really liked how this story was told from the first person too, and the relationship of those surrounding Sloane are well thought out.
Quinnly,
Right off the bat into motivational talk you’ve struck me, I love how accurate the beginning of this is and I can’t wait for more! I also love your character’s name, it sticks out to me but it’s not too unusual that it takes your audience away from the story. I do feel there is a lot of exposition that could have been scattered throughout your story start or just not mentioned at all since you’ll have the rest of this hypothetical novel to do that (for example, when you introduce Coach Hart). I thought the reference to Jack Johnson was cute, too. I feel that for a novel start, you’re skipping the time around a bit too much and not giving us time to flesh the beginning of the story out, too.
Pheobe,
I love your use of imagery, but you have very choppy sentences that make it difficult for me to completely follow your story, it almost feels like poetry but it adds to the idea that you’re trying to get across which is that this is a dream. It doesn’t flow very well, basically. I would understand if you intentionally utilized the structure of your story and craft of it to come off as if it’s in a dream state, but it just makes your story very hard for me to follow as someone who needs more coherency, but dreams aren’t supposed to be coherent. This feels more art geared than story geared, which is impressive in its own. I would say that you need to go back and fix some grammatical errors and punctuation errors but apart from that, shift more into the artsy side of your craft because this does work.
I actually think I get the idea of your story. It may on paper not make sense and be a little confusing plot wise, but I think that might have been your intent. Your story is about a character having what appears to be a nightmare of some sort. I saw moments of potential domestic violence, as well as darker themes. Although it is a little unclear what is happening in moments, your writing is impeccable. The line about the black spots on the tree being bruises and the different kinds of descriptions you include in this story are super strong and paint a strong picture. Also, “No, it was all just a dream” is a very strong and powerful last line that makes your reader think more deeply. This is a story that requires a lot of deep diving and some more comprehension analysis, but by no means is that a bad thing. I am curious to know about the italicized portions of your story. Are these the parts happening in the dream? Do they represent something bigger? Also, what does the bug represent? What was the overall message of your story? Overall, I really liked your story, but I am left with a lot of questions.
Quinnly,
This was an excellent start to a novel. Everything I would expect from a novel of this genre was Prescence. There was drama, likable and believable characters, a realistic plot and a cliff hanger that has me begging for so much more. Sloane is a character with one goal, but she is not one dimensional. She has a diverse array of character traits that make her a very rootable and relatable protagonist. Connell is a character that I thought was going to be the bad guy or the asshole love interest, but you turned him into a very charming and lovable goofball. I also like how platonic their friendship is. It is not forced, it is not cheesy, it is genuine, and I think literary artists and media of this kind need to take not of this more. I really like everything about your story, but the humor is what does it for me. “You have lucky pants?- You don’t?” was a very funny moment, and I even like how after Sloane’s accident, around pages 7-8, you had Cornell and Sloane cracking jokes to better the situation. “I just ate shit on the ice and can barely move, and those are the first words you say to me?” I thought was a good use of sarcasm. I don’t know what it is, but there is something magical about this novel, and I really hope you continue to write it, because I am beyond intrigued with this story. I think my only suggestion would be maybe to slow the pacing down a bit. Some moments seem to go by a little too quickly, but I don’t think it is a big issue. Well done Quinnly!
Hey Pheobe,
Your story is about a dream that someone had. I’m kind of confused as to what was going on half the time but I was very intrigued. The descriptions you had in your story were very detailed and visual. Right off the bat I was pulled into the story with the description of the fly and how it’s chainsaw arms were able to drill a hole through the glass. The way it stole the necklace and flew out with it felt like some sort of interesting fantasy novel. I don’t know why but it reminded me of the movie called the Great Mouse Detective. I am interested in what the tree could have represented and how it was mentioned in multiple pages I know it was big and it became abused and sickly towards the end and one of them wish to see that the tree cut down. Was there an actual case of abuse? Did James intentionally ram his truck into the girl? And it truly felt like a dream of how confusing it was with all the intervals and scenes jumping from one to another. I do wish that it wasn’t like a typical cliché ending of oh it was only just a dream.
Hey Quinnly,
Your story is about a high school figure skater who gets into an accident which progresses the damage in her spine. She is told she cannot skate for months and maybe even up to a year. She lives at home with her father and seeks validation from her coach who is like a mother to her. We got to see more of her personality through the children and how she wishes she was as good as Isabella when she was a kid. That shows how insecure she is and the high standards she has for herself. I liked Connell and how he was a comedic relief and helped with the tension. I really wish they could have started the story with her waking up from the accident or maybe even the day of the accident. I felt like you rush the story and I would’ve love to see more of the recovery. Sharing her resilience and strength would have made the story progress as I feel the backstory was unnecessary.
Quinnly, this is a story about a skater who gets injured on the ice. I really like the way you developed each character and created tension between them. They felt like real people. The way the main character’s relationship with Connell becomes closer throughout the story is super interesting. One question I have is what makes the narrator care about ice skating so much, why is it so important to her?
Phoebe, I love the introduction, it really hooked me and the imagery was incredible. The intertwining symbolism of the old tree and being tired of the relationship is also very well done. The story feels dreamy, which makes sense with your conclusion. One one critique is that I would like to know a little bit more about each character.
“Brisingamen”
1: The story appeared to be about a dude who was obsessed with insects having a dream, as well as a woman who is kind of lost in life. The woman appears somewhat lonely and is frustrated with her marriage as well as her friend, who does not really appear to understand what she is saying.
2: The multiple perspectives of the story were interesting and the dream about the fly taking the necklace at the beginning was a good start that made me as the reader want to learn more about what was going on. Originally it had seemed like some sort of wild shaped druid scenario which caused me as the reader to imagine all sorts of possibilities, none of which happened.
3: Question: How does the italicized portion with the dude relate to the main story about the woman?
4: Suggestion: It would be helpful as a reader if the connection between the two perspectives was made more obvious.
“The Perfect Skate”
1: The story is about a girl who has been skating for a while. In the story, she experiences great triumph, great sadness, and just plain, normal, routine, activities. In the end, she questions her identity as she realizes her skating career is in jeopardy.
2: I thought it was interesting how the story progressed in a reverse Disney movie like fashion, with the great joy in the beginning, the normal life aspects in the middle, and then the ultimate slap down at the end. This progression struck me as different from many short stories, and I tried not to think about what would happen to this girl next after the amazing beginning.
3: Was this story modeled off of a real experience you heard about?
4: I think the ending could have been more impactful. Maybe she has a realization about finding her way in life in case skating does not work out? Maybe Connel will support her in finding other opportunities and in the recovery process as a whole?
15 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 19”
Phoebe
I really enjoyed reading this story. Your title fits well with the main element of your story, which is a gold necklace. When I looked up the title of your paper, I found that Brisingamen is the necklace of a goddess named Freya in Norse mythology. It is also referred to as the necklace of destiny. You start the story off with describing a fly who crashed into a stained glass window. This fly then carves a piece of the window out and finds a gold necklace. The bug then pulled the necklace through the window and flew off. What I like most about this introduction is that you italicized it, making it obvious that it is background info, leading into the rest of your story. The detail of the chipped window is carried throughout the rest of the story, especially when you introduce readers to the chipping bark on the oak tree. You have a great story overall with “separate” scenes. A suggestion I do have is to make your sentences longer, instead of breaking them up in the way you did. Especially towards the beginning it was a bit hard to read, and I think that combining some of your sentences together will make it read at a slower pace. I also hope that you expand your story further and enhance the details in some of the scenes you have included in your story.
Quinnly
This story is about a 17 year old figure skater named Sloane. She trains under Coach Hart who became a mother to Sloane when hers passed. She is a competitive skater and received a perfect score on her routine early in the story. Later, we find out that when she is giving a skating lesson to younger students, she falls and gets a concussion and has some nerve damage that leaves her unable to move like she used to. One suggestion I have for you would be to eliminate your run on sentences and make them a bit shorter. One place in particular is the first sentence of your story. Ultimately, this one sentence could be separated into three different ones and could read as follows; “As soon as my blades hit the ice I know exactly what to do. I position myself into my starting pose and wait for the familiar music to start. Sweat already starting to climb down my forehead, the constant thoughts of failure flood through my head, and I try to push them out”. The first and last sentences of a story make or break the entirety of a story, and I think that separating your sentence in the way I suggested, would make readers more eager to read the rest of your story.
Quinnly
Love this! I really liked the action in it of the skaters on the ice. This story is about a young woman who loves figure skating and teaching figure skating. She is finding who she is and seeing how much the sport means to her, when she loses it. I think that this story is definitely not done yet. I really liked how you wrote the character. I want the best for her and for her to get what she wants. I like her a lot. I like that this story seems to flow through the scenes. Maybe it needs a bit of world building or grounding because Is she in high school? Or is it summer? She is 17 so more on the scholarship to help her further her career? Also I feel like Connell just appears in the story. Maybe mention him a bit before she has an internal monologue about how they know each other.
Phoebe:
Phoebe, this story was a really interesting experimental piece. I liked it, it felt a bit like a fever dream. I enjoyed how much you seem to love language and experimenting with it. I also liked the motif of the insect life that carried us in and out of your story. We are carried into your story on the wings of the fly and then snapped out of it as you smack the fly to death at the end. For example, “Flies are nasty little things. Hurling itself about the room. While he chased it with a sock. He finally got it by his bedside table and disposed of the corpse with a tissue in his burgundy metal trash can.” My only thought for you is that sometimes it got a little too confusing. Clearer syntax would help the reader flow through your story more easily and follow your thoughts.
Quinnly:
Quinnly, this story was an interesting depiction of sports injury and its effect on young athletes. I used to love watching figure skating as a child and this story really made the reader feel like they were a part of a skater’s world. I liked the introduction of her back pain so early on, it clued me into the greater plot and got me worrying for Sloan. I also liked how you introduced the distant relationship with her father; without telling us that they had a distant relationship, you showed us their dynamics really well. I felt like her father being an ER Doctor was an ominous sign, so that was good foreshadowing. I thought the relationship between Sloan and Conell was well introduced, but I would’ve enjoyed a little more background story about the two of them. I have some questions about her head injury though. How did they know she couldn’t feel her legs when she hadn’t woken up yet for example. Also, how was she so calm when faced with her entire world falling apart around her- is it because she’s already suffered losses? Is she going to have a breakdown later? I wanted to know more of her story.
I really liked Quinnly’s story. The main character is likeable, and her love for skating is obvious in how she acts, says, and feels. You can tell how incredibly important it is to her, as well as how important the people involved in it are to her. Something I really liked in this story was the relationships Sloane had. Her relationship with her dad is good, despite his absences, they really love and care for each other. While there was an opportunity to create more tension there, I really enjoyed how there was more love than anything. Her relationship with Connell is probably my favorite part of the story. The description of how they bickered and fought, and their childhood paired with how they act and behave in the present time makes for a good dynamic. You can tell Connell feels something for her, but she hasn’t quite figured it out yet. As far as suggestions, besides a few formatting errors, there’s nothing I’d like to see changed!
Phoebe’s story was very interesting and compelling. I really enjoyed the use of the fly to keep the story going. The way things were described in the italicized paragraphs made the story more enjoyable and I enjoyed the quick pause for a change in point of view. Each time something changes in the italicized paragraph, the point of view changes a bit, and the story changes. I really enjoyed that and thought it was a nice way to write something just a little different. My only suggestion is that while I really enjoyed the set up, I would try to make it a bit clearer what’s going on. I was able to follow it for the most part, but I did get lost a few times. Otherwise, I really enjoyed it!
Quinnly:
I was instantly drawn in by Sloane’s passion and dedication to her skating, and you did a fantastic job conveying her love for the sport alongside her fears and physical pain. Her relationship with Coach Hart feels authentic and heartfelt, especially with Coach’s maternal role in Sloane’s life. I also liked how you incorporated small details, like Sloane’s room painted to resemble ice, which adds a lot to her character’s depth and passion. The camaraderie with Connell and her budding rivalry with Jess add some fun layers to her world, making it feel rich and dynamic.
A few questions I had while reading: Will Sloane’s injury reveal anything deeper about her that she’s been avoiding? Is her relationship with Connell purely friendship, or do you intend to explore a possible romance? I’m also curious about the role her dad will play in her recovery, given his past distance and her struggle with feeling supported by him.
As for suggestions, maybe consider slowing down slightly in the initial competition scene to build up Sloane’s tension and anticipation before she sees her score. This could deepen the emotional impact when she achieves that perfect score. Also, when Sloane has her accident, perhaps give a bit more sensory detail—what does she hear or feel in those disorienting moments? It might heighten the reader’s empathy for her situation.
Phoebe:
Brisingamen draws readers into a haunting and atmospheric journey that feels like a modern folktale interwoven with powerful, symbolic imagery. The alternating perspectives create an intriguing duality, especially with the initial bug’s thievery, which sets an eerie tone. I loved how you personified the insect as it meticulously steals the necklace—it almost feels like a mischievous creature from mythology, which mirrors the mythic feel of the stolen necklace’s backstory.
Siggy’s narrative, especially in the scenes with her yellow bug car and her strained relationship, has an unsettling quality. The imagery you used, like the oak tree bearing bruises and the broken glass “webbing” under pressure, subtly conveys themes of decay and entrapment. It seems like these physical symbols echo her inner life and her complex relationship with James, hinting at unspoken conflicts and suppressed frustrations. Her friend Monya’s small acts of humor and fidgeting also add a touch of grounded reality, giving readers a momentary relief from the story’s intensity.
I do think the transitions between scenes could be a bit smoother to help the reader keep track of each perspective shift. Also, it might help to deepen Siggy’s internal reflections on her situation—especially the oak tree’s role in her life and why she’s held back from cutting it down. This could further emphasize the tree as a symbol of her past and her struggle to move forward.
Journal #19
Phoebe
This was such a mystical tale. You weave such a web of information I am both confused and mesmerized by it. I love how you describe the situations and the feelings. I feel as though I am seeing everything through a dream (unironically). I have so many questions. This story feels like pure poetry. It’s so beautiful, but I’m struggling to put my finger on why or what I enjoy so much. I honestly don’t know if I even understand what the story is about after the first read. I might have to return to it again. Overall I really liked this story, and I hope I can learn to write in this same mystical voice you use.
Quinly
Damn girl you really were just like, “What’s the saddest thing I can write.” I am kidding of course. This was a really polished story. Your dialogue flows well and your characters’ personalities interact well. I really liked your opening, and you buried the hint about the looming injury really well. I also love how she teaches the kids. I think that is really authentic. People who are really incredible at something, usually enjoy teaching. I think you should go over the scene in the hospital. I think a doctor would be a little more careful and empathetic when telling someone they have nerve damage. Overall I really enjoyed this story, good work!
Phoebe:
Phoebe I really enjoyed your story! I thought it was so different! Your story starts off with a fly that crashes into a stained glass window, the fly ends up finding a necklace and takes it and flys off. This was great background detail to start off your story and I really enjoyed it. Your story is full of information, which one might find too much but I didn’t mind it. Your detail with certain things throughout the story like sweaters with tall turtlenecks which are written really well. Only suggestion I have is working on the sentence structure. But I really enjoyed this story! You did a great job!
Quinnly,
I like how you illustrated your main character’s love for skating by her room color and her trophies, as well as her willingness to look past the pain she feels, which was a really great seed that you planted right at the beginning. I would pay more attention to what tense you write in, because it sometimes switches. I also feel like Sloane’s interaction with the doctor at the hospital really pulled me out of it. The doctor felt very cold, and I find it unlikely that they wouldn’t wait for her dad to return from getting coffee to share that news with her because she’s still a child. I also think that they would explain further rather than dropping that bomb and then just leaving. I’d like to see more on her relationship with Connell, because it felt like it was supposed to go somewhere but it didn’t really change from beginning to end. They seem to have an interesting history with one another, I’d really love to hear more about it!
Phoebe,
The way that you write is so gentle. Like you’re sprinkling the story onto the page instead of typing it. It’s clear that you have details in your head which are happening outside of the scope of the reader but that still influence and inform the story. The only thing I had an issue with was clarity—it’s sort of easy to get lost in this and have to go back and reread, especially because the sentences are quite short and choppy. Other than that, you brought this to life so beautifully.
Hey Phoebe,
Your story is about a dream that someone had. I’m kind of confused as to what was going on half the time but I was very intrigued. The descriptions you had in your story were very detailed and visual. Right off the bat I was pulled into the story with the description of the fly and how it’s chainsaw arms were able to drill a hole through the glass. The way it stole the necklace and flew out with it felt like some sort of interesting fantasy novel. I don’t know why but it reminded me of the movie called the Great Mouse Detective. I am interested in what the tree could have represented and how it was mentioned in multiple pages I know it was big and it became abused and sickly towards the end and one of them wish to see that the tree cut down. Was there an actual case of abuse? Did James intentionally ram his truck into the girl? And it truly felt like a dream of how confusing it was with all the intervals and scenes jumping from one to another. I do wish that it wasn’t like a typical cliché ending of oh it was only just a dream.
Hey Quinnly,
Your story is about a high school figure skater who gets into an accident which progresses the damage in her spine. She is told she cannot skate for months and maybe even up to a year. She lives at home with her father and seeks validation from her coach who is like a mother to her. We got to see more of her personality through the children and how she wishes she was as good as Isabella when she was a kid. That shows how insecure she is and the high standards she has for herself. I liked Connell and how he was a comedic relief and helped with the tension. I really wish they could have started the story with her waking up from the accident or maybe even the day of the accident. I felt like you rush the story and I would’ve love to see more of the recovery. Sharing her resilience and strength would have made the story progress as I feel the backstory was unnecessary.
Phoebe
This story has a lot of different moving parts that inevitably loop in on itself. I imagined much of this piece as a continuous camera shot, following this woman as she went through these life events without care for how she traveled due to the presence of a dreamscape. I also read this as a novel start, even though I do not think that was the intention. The portions in italics about the fly and the stag stuck out to me, and it feels like if this were a novel we would get more of these. I loved these animal scenes for how they were written and the imagery/detail included in them. I was intrigued and possibly wanted more even. Though having the ending be a dream, I don’t mind it here, simply because of the flow of the writing and “camera” movement. Also If I am still considering this a novel start, all of this could have larger implications later on. My main suggestion is being careful with past and present tense since there are some places where there are both in the same sentence. And, as I said, I honestly might want more of these animal/italics scenes, just out of curiosity, and how expressive they are.
Quinnly
This is a story about an aspiring ice skater who takes a terrible fall one day. I liked the narrative as a whole, the flow and progression of the story was nice and kept me engaged. As someone who skates frequently, getting caught in the shaved ice clusters is the worst, and it makes your story very plausible and relatable, since I have fallen many times from these patches as well. I am curious why the zamboni wouldn’t be out before the lessons began, but not something that is necessary to include. I would possibly suggest including more about the pain with nerve damage, since it really makes everything super painful especially when you turn your legs, that sends very sharp pain through them. Another potential addition is possibly having one of the other girls she is teaching fall from these patches as an almost foreshadowing aspect. I really liked how this story was told from the first person too, and the relationship of those surrounding Sloane are well thought out.
Quinnly,
Right off the bat into motivational talk you’ve struck me, I love how accurate the beginning of this is and I can’t wait for more! I also love your character’s name, it sticks out to me but it’s not too unusual that it takes your audience away from the story. I do feel there is a lot of exposition that could have been scattered throughout your story start or just not mentioned at all since you’ll have the rest of this hypothetical novel to do that (for example, when you introduce Coach Hart). I thought the reference to Jack Johnson was cute, too. I feel that for a novel start, you’re skipping the time around a bit too much and not giving us time to flesh the beginning of the story out, too.
Pheobe,
I love your use of imagery, but you have very choppy sentences that make it difficult for me to completely follow your story, it almost feels like poetry but it adds to the idea that you’re trying to get across which is that this is a dream. It doesn’t flow very well, basically. I would understand if you intentionally utilized the structure of your story and craft of it to come off as if it’s in a dream state, but it just makes your story very hard for me to follow as someone who needs more coherency, but dreams aren’t supposed to be coherent. This feels more art geared than story geared, which is impressive in its own. I would say that you need to go back and fix some grammatical errors and punctuation errors but apart from that, shift more into the artsy side of your craft because this does work.
Phoebe,
I actually think I get the idea of your story. It may on paper not make sense and be a little confusing plot wise, but I think that might have been your intent. Your story is about a character having what appears to be a nightmare of some sort. I saw moments of potential domestic violence, as well as darker themes. Although it is a little unclear what is happening in moments, your writing is impeccable. The line about the black spots on the tree being bruises and the different kinds of descriptions you include in this story are super strong and paint a strong picture. Also, “No, it was all just a dream” is a very strong and powerful last line that makes your reader think more deeply. This is a story that requires a lot of deep diving and some more comprehension analysis, but by no means is that a bad thing. I am curious to know about the italicized portions of your story. Are these the parts happening in the dream? Do they represent something bigger? Also, what does the bug represent? What was the overall message of your story? Overall, I really liked your story, but I am left with a lot of questions.
Quinnly,
This was an excellent start to a novel. Everything I would expect from a novel of this genre was Prescence. There was drama, likable and believable characters, a realistic plot and a cliff hanger that has me begging for so much more. Sloane is a character with one goal, but she is not one dimensional. She has a diverse array of character traits that make her a very rootable and relatable protagonist. Connell is a character that I thought was going to be the bad guy or the asshole love interest, but you turned him into a very charming and lovable goofball. I also like how platonic their friendship is. It is not forced, it is not cheesy, it is genuine, and I think literary artists and media of this kind need to take not of this more. I really like everything about your story, but the humor is what does it for me. “You have lucky pants?- You don’t?” was a very funny moment, and I even like how after Sloane’s accident, around pages 7-8, you had Cornell and Sloane cracking jokes to better the situation. “I just ate shit on the ice and can barely move, and those are the first words you say to me?” I thought was a good use of sarcasm. I don’t know what it is, but there is something magical about this novel, and I really hope you continue to write it, because I am beyond intrigued with this story. I think my only suggestion would be maybe to slow the pacing down a bit. Some moments seem to go by a little too quickly, but I don’t think it is a big issue. Well done Quinnly!
Hey Pheobe,
Your story is about a dream that someone had. I’m kind of confused as to what was going on half the time but I was very intrigued. The descriptions you had in your story were very detailed and visual. Right off the bat I was pulled into the story with the description of the fly and how it’s chainsaw arms were able to drill a hole through the glass. The way it stole the necklace and flew out with it felt like some sort of interesting fantasy novel. I don’t know why but it reminded me of the movie called the Great Mouse Detective. I am interested in what the tree could have represented and how it was mentioned in multiple pages I know it was big and it became abused and sickly towards the end and one of them wish to see that the tree cut down. Was there an actual case of abuse? Did James intentionally ram his truck into the girl? And it truly felt like a dream of how confusing it was with all the intervals and scenes jumping from one to another. I do wish that it wasn’t like a typical cliché ending of oh it was only just a dream.
Hey Quinnly,
Your story is about a high school figure skater who gets into an accident which progresses the damage in her spine. She is told she cannot skate for months and maybe even up to a year. She lives at home with her father and seeks validation from her coach who is like a mother to her. We got to see more of her personality through the children and how she wishes she was as good as Isabella when she was a kid. That shows how insecure she is and the high standards she has for herself. I liked Connell and how he was a comedic relief and helped with the tension. I really wish they could have started the story with her waking up from the accident or maybe even the day of the accident. I felt like you rush the story and I would’ve love to see more of the recovery. Sharing her resilience and strength would have made the story progress as I feel the backstory was unnecessary.
Quinnly, this is a story about a skater who gets injured on the ice. I really like the way you developed each character and created tension between them. They felt like real people. The way the main character’s relationship with Connell becomes closer throughout the story is super interesting. One question I have is what makes the narrator care about ice skating so much, why is it so important to her?
Phoebe, I love the introduction, it really hooked me and the imagery was incredible. The intertwining symbolism of the old tree and being tired of the relationship is also very well done. The story feels dreamy, which makes sense with your conclusion. One one critique is that I would like to know a little bit more about each character.
“Brisingamen”
1: The story appeared to be about a dude who was obsessed with insects having a dream, as well as a woman who is kind of lost in life. The woman appears somewhat lonely and is frustrated with her marriage as well as her friend, who does not really appear to understand what she is saying.
2: The multiple perspectives of the story were interesting and the dream about the fly taking the necklace at the beginning was a good start that made me as the reader want to learn more about what was going on. Originally it had seemed like some sort of wild shaped druid scenario which caused me as the reader to imagine all sorts of possibilities, none of which happened.
3: Question: How does the italicized portion with the dude relate to the main story about the woman?
4: Suggestion: It would be helpful as a reader if the connection between the two perspectives was made more obvious.
“The Perfect Skate”
1: The story is about a girl who has been skating for a while. In the story, she experiences great triumph, great sadness, and just plain, normal, routine, activities. In the end, she questions her identity as she realizes her skating career is in jeopardy.
2: I thought it was interesting how the story progressed in a reverse Disney movie like fashion, with the great joy in the beginning, the normal life aspects in the middle, and then the ultimate slap down at the end. This progression struck me as different from many short stories, and I tried not to think about what would happen to this girl next after the amazing beginning.
3: Was this story modeled off of a real experience you heard about?
4: I think the ending could have been more impactful. Maybe she has a realization about finding her way in life in case skating does not work out? Maybe Connel will support her in finding other opportunities and in the recovery process as a whole?