Hi Kat! “Arrow of Destiny” is a novel start that takes place in a fantasy world with witches and sorcerers. A prince is going to get married to a frog, which is not necessarily out of the ordinary in this world. Vasilisa is the name of the frog who says to Ivan that she is his destiny. Ivan instead wishes that his arrow brought him to Koschei’s domain, which is the kingdom of darkness and death. If he was rather called to this land, he would be seen as a hero, as Ivan is from the Kingdom of 3/9 Tsarstvo. The coming of age ceremony is where Ivan shot his arrow into the air, which landed somewhere beyond the marsh. This is how the idea of the frog being his destiny came to be, as Ivan asked the frog to help him find his arrow. The royal advisor tells Ivan that he cannot have another try at the arrow or go against the law of destiny. It was said that Princess Freya went against her destiny and disappeared to Koschei. I really enjoyed your story overall, and it makes for a great story start. One suggestion I do have is to explicitly say what kinds of characters are in the story. You mention there being witches and sorcerers who live on the land, but do not mention what your characters actually are. Is Ivan simply a prince like the one from Cinderella? Does your version of prince mean something different and they are some sort of monster like those in Halloweentown?
Sarah:
Hi Sarah! “What Lies at the Bottom of the Pond” is an intense story. You have added sections to your writing which vary on days and times. Your story starts off on October 12, 2019, at 12:14 a.m.. You set the scene with a person driving, mother-in-law in the passenger seat and both brother and sister in the back seats. You mention she has a husband named Kyle, but is not in the car with them. Your descriptions make this seem like a hallucination, which I may be correct in saying with evidence from the end of the first section. On p. 3 para. 4, you describe the character’s husband Kyle laying across the floor in the back of the car with bruises on his side. The main character seems to be suffering from sleep paralysis, as there was a test run which showed Nitrazepam in her system, even though she only takes melatonin. Kyle tells Marissa that he cheated on her, which makes her believe he has been drugging her through tea. The two start getting into an argument, and Marissa hits Kyle in the head with a bat, which is where the section ends on page 8. I am assuming that Marissa killed her husband, but this is not certain, as it is not explicitly told to reader. Is this the relief she is feeling at the end of the story? Did she drive into the pond with her dead husband in the car? I would like to know if this is a novel start or a short story, as I am reading it as a short story. If it is a short story, I would suggest going into more detail with the events that are happening, especially with the ending. As a reader, I was left with a lot of questions with what was truly going on, which can potentially be answered by expanding your story further. And where did the other characters go that were in the car at the beginning of the story?
Kat
This is amazing! This story follows two characters. A prince and a frog. This is definitely a novel start. I want to keep reading. I liked the dialogue you had. It moved the story along and propelled the plot. I liked the characters the way they are introduced just feels so real to me. I think that you could add some world building scenes. I’m interested in the environment and the descriptions of the characters, they seem to just be doing plot. They need their world built up more around them. So as a reader I can feel a bit more immersed in it. I was a bit confused when the time flip happened, but that could just be me. I want to walk down a street or through the swamp a bit more. What does it taste like, smell like, look like to the characters individually, what does it sound like in this world you have made? What is this arrow, what does it look like, how does it feel when they hold it?
Sarah
This is a really cool story! This is about a woman who is being drugged by her husband so he can cheat. This is about confrontation and unexpected betrayal, paranoia. I like how you formatted it. It makes it flow to the points that you want to zoom more into and paint a more detailed and pierced together picture. I love the time and date stamps, it keeps the reader on their toes, to pay attention to where and what they are reading. It doesn’t let them get lazy. But they need to be more connected. There are some holes, like with the sister and the pills connection and the cheating bit as well. As well as the abuse part which is heavily implied, she didn’t ask about the bruises and such. Maybe write a scene after she leaves her sisters where she gets drugged by him, but she remembers it as a lucid dream or she didn’t finish the tea and only had a few sips because it was too sweet for her. Some reason she didn’t get the full dose of the drug. How did she know that Kyle was cheating on her?
Kat
This works as a great novel start. The switching of point of views set this up as a back and forth between the frog and Ivan, I wonder if the sorcerer’s perspective could come into play later on. I liked the plot and how you set up the world here, it doesn’t go too far into the magical aspects of society except those that directly affect the main characters. I feel like there are some spots that you could go more in depth on sensory-wise for example, describing what does the arrow look like? What does the frog look like? The swamp? What about the path to the arrow? Those sort of things to bring your reader more into the world that you have built. I like the humor with Ivan, who lives in a world of magical and dangerous creatures, yet is afraid of frogs and toads. I like this addition to this story, as it gives your main character more depth, and seemingly more realistic. My other suggestion is possibly swapping the first section and the second section. I think I would like the story to start with the It all started at his coming of age ceremony section since it grounds the reader in a place bustling with life and creates a fun introduction to the world. Overall, this was fun to read.
“Arrow of Destiny” is about a prince who is about to marry a frog and in this fantasy world is not out of the ordinary. The frog Vasilisa tells the prince Ivan that she is his destiny. The frog becoming his destiny was determined by Ivan shooting an arrow and it landed in the marsh. This was a great story start! It definitely gave me Princess and The Frog vibes but with more detail and intricate world that I enjoyed! I loved the different points of views and think it really worked with your story. One suggestion is I think some more detail about the world you created would really make your story better.
Sarah:
“What Lies at the bottom of the pond” Is a story about a woman whose husband has been drugging her so he could cheat on her. This was a really intense story! Her husband Kyle tells the wife Marissa that he had cheated on her, which made her believe that he had been drugging her through her tea. This story left me with a lot of questions, like on page 8 where Marissa hits Kyle on the head with a bat, is he still alive? Or did she kill him? A suggestion I have is to go into a bit more detail to make certain things clearer to the reader, but I really loved how intense this story was it got me wanting more!
Kat, this is a story about a young man, Ivan, who discovers that a talking frog is his destiny — or so she wants him to believe. Right off the bat, I love the switch in gender roles compared to the classic Princess and the Frog. You write with a lot of humor and irony, which I really like. This story gives me Disenchantment from Netflix vibes (which is a compliment, in my opinion). Some humorous moments that stood out to me were: “Ivan cringed at the comment of crying. He cried not because he would miss his brother, but because he wanted to go sailing too” (pg 4, para 3) and his fear of frogs. I also like that the main character is low-key the frog and not Ivan. One question I have is: was the arrow destined for the tree, and is the frog using him? Or because it bounced off the tree despite its speed, was the frog his destiny, and she just thinks she’s tricking him? I also found myself initially confused by the timeline, although it made sense at the end. I might recommend breaking the story down into timestamps like what Sarah did in her story.
Sarah, this is a story about a murder-suicide, a failing marriage, familial relationships, and being generally unhappy with your life. I really love your tone-setting language, for example: “the words asphyxiate me” (pg 1), “Some emotions fester” (pg 1), “My mouth is beginning to water more and more; a flooded swamp” (pg 3). The story is gripping, and even when I didn’t know what was happening, I wanted to read more. One question I have is, what was the couple’s relationship like before this story took place? Were there small signs of him cheating? I think adding a paragraph where readers see her discover the pills, the rip in the mattress, and finding the bat (maybe second-guessing herself) would be really interesting. Another comment I have is that I was confused by the time jumps. I like them, but some are hard to follow. I had to go back and reread a few parts — some jumps felt too small, and some felt huge. The jumps reminded me of The Shining and had the same unsettling effect on me as a reader; I just wish some had a bit more context.
Right from the first line, you capture a unique and humorous take on the fairy tale trope, grounding it in a richly detailed world where magic, adventure, and danger feel natural and inevitable. Ivan’s reluctance and skepticism are relatable and add a nice touch of irony to his situation. I love how you’ve sketched the kingdom’s landscape, particularly the stark contrast between the 3/9 Tsarstvo and Koshei’s domain. The tree with one-half dead and the other alive is a vivid symbol of the tension between light and dark in this world, and it really gives the reader a visual anchor for that division.
The whole “Arrow of Destiny” ceremony and Ivan’s less-than-glamorous quest create a compelling setup. You build the stakes well with his brothers’ achievements, his hope for glory, and the looming threat of Kochei. Ivan’s fear of frogs adds an unexpected, almost slapstick humor that makes him feel very human. Plus, Vasila’s perspective introduces an intriguing layer to her character, hinting at her resourcefulness and desperation to break her curse. Seeing her relishing Ivan’s discomfort a bit is fun, making her a robust and engaging counterpart.
If I suggest anything, consider giving Ivan one or two short, introspective moments where he questions his worth. This could deepen his motivation for adventure and subtly hint at why he resists the idea of “destiny.”
Sarah:
I love the dark, haunting tone you’ve created in What Lies at the Bottom of the Pond. The sotry’s fragmented structure and vivid sensory details bring the reader right into Marissa’s mental unraveling and desperation. The rfepitition of “it’s so cold” feels almost like an incantation, grounding her emotional and physical state while intensifying the atmosphere of dread.
A couple of things you might consider enhancing: First, Marissa’s revelations about the Nitrazepam are powerful but could perhaps be even more suspenseful if hinted at a bit earlier. Maybe you could add a few more subtle clues or unsettling thoughts to build suspicion before the big confrontation. Also, the last scene at the pond is captivating, but I wonder if slowing down slightly here could add more impact—perhaps with a reflection or a sensory description just before she makes that final decision.
“What Lies at the Bottom of the Pond”
1: The story is about a wife who gets cheated on by her husband. Her husband drugs her so that she can cheat on her unhindered, which has a significant toll on her mental health.
2: I like how we as readers experience the story in a sequence that is not linear. The switch around between the different time stamps gives us hints as to what comes next in the linear time sequence. We have an idea of what caused what before the entire sequence is fully revealed.
3: Questions: Why is the year included in the different subsections? Does that have relevance to the story? Also, why does her life likely end at 30 years old?
4: Overall, I thought the story was very well written, but I might elaborate more on her as a person outside of the relationship and family as well as why her life is likely to end at age 30. This might also help further the reader’s understanding of why she killed herself in the end.
“Arrow of Destiny”
1: The story is mainly centered on a prince and a talking frog with a curse on her. After shooting the arrow of destiny, the prince became fated to marry the frog. This would help the frog tremendously, as it would help her break some sort of curse and thus avoid falling into the hands of Koschei the Sorcerer.
2: I like how the medieval setting is depicted, and I think that the ideas of the arrow of destiny and the talking frog are very creative and add a distinct flavor to the story.The unique names for places and the overall language depicted in the story also gives it a unique flavor.
3: Did the talking frog used to be a human? Did her curse involve being turned into a frog? Once the curse is broken, will she become a human again?
4: I am curious to learn more about what 3/9 Tsarstvo is like as a kingdom, and what geographic features/other kingdoms surround it, as well as how those features influence their interactions.
Kat’s story was so fun, and I really liked it. The world building in this story was incredible, and it really helped me understand the situation Ivan was in. The magical arrow was such an interesting plot point and incredibly creative. The idea that a tradition like that had been passed down for centuries was so interesting to me, and I really enjoyed the conflict that might arise from an arrow choosing one’s destiny. This is clearly the beginning of a novel, and I must admit I would read the full version. The frog’s character is already so funny and interesting, and I would love to see the kind of person she really is. I would also be interested to find out how she got in her predicament, why she’s under this curse. I’m also interested to see how her relationship with Ivan buds and changes. The only suggestion I have for this piece is in the beginning. A lot of the information is given to us, and I might suggest telling us about the lore in a different way. I think explaining parts of it is good, but having another character explain it, or have it be shown would be a good way to make sure you’re not info-dumping.
I absolutely loved Sarah’s story. The imagery and description she uses in it helps you to thoroughly drown yourself in the story. So much so that you feel like you’re actually there. Something I really enjoyed about this story was the time jumps. The way the story jumps back and forth helps add to the desperate, aggressive nature of the story. It also helps you to put together a timeline. There was a specific line I really enjoyed: “Brake, brake, brake. Don’t break.” The play on words is funny, while also nailing in the panic in Marissa. I enjoyed how it took me a while to realize what was actually happening, and that it wasn’t until the end when I realized she was killing her cheating husband. The addition of other characters really fleshes out the story and adds so much to it. As far as suggestions I really don’t have any. I really enjoyed the story and thought it was beautifully done.
Kat
I really liked this story. There is something really beautiful in its simplicity. Your story is direct, to the point, but not in an aggressive fashion. I really enjoyed your pacing, giving us background and building your world, but not dragging your feet about it. I love a story that differs from the way the world works for us. I like a story where the rules are different, and things don’t work in a way we understand. I also just love the idea of being led directly to my destiny. If only it could be so easy in our world. I think the implications of this are so interesting. Is the arrow ever wrong? Does everyone get to follow the arrow or only the royal family? Is this frog hijacking his destiny or is she truly his fate? Is fate different from destiny? I’m thinking too hard now, but I really appreciate how your story brings up these questions in only the first chapter. I think you could improve this story with some more punctuation. Not a ton more, I like your shorter sentence structure but breaking it up in some areas could make the reader experience smoother. I think maybe your last paragraph could use a little attention. Overall, I think your story is off to a great start, good work.
Sarah
I really love this story. It makes me feel panicked and scared, but in such a good way. I think the key to what makes this story work is the way in which you chose to reveal the plotline piece by piece. Done poorly, this feels robotic and unauthentic. But you did it well, and the result is a story unfolding like itself before our eyes. This does a few things. Besides just being a really cool writing structure, it puts us in the mind of your main character. Torn up by grief and despair, the story is as confusing as her life probably is at that moment. But the single message that cuts through the mist of the story is direct and simple: her husband has been drugging her. I really only have one suggestion for you: I don’t think cheating explains everything enough. I think it could be part of the puzzle but not all of it. My guess was much, much more fucked up. I thought the husband was drugging her and letting other men sleep with her. That may be too much and not the direction you want to go, but I think that would really hammer home why she chose to end her life at the end of the story. Great story, I really enjoyed it.
Ekaterina:
This story was such a beautiful reinterpretation of different fairy tales. As I read through it I had so much fun recognizing characters and elements from the fairy tales of my childhood that you reimagined in such a unique and fun way. On a personal note my little brother would love this story. He loves frogs, and he would find the part on page five where the prince falls on his bottom so funny, “Ivan jerked back his hand and with his sudden movements, fell right onto his bottom, completely soaking the lower half of his body.” I don’t know who your intended audience is, but it really gave me that nostalgic feeling of a childhood fairy tale. I think children would find this story really magical and exciting. This story made me want to see its illustrations. I found myself thinking about the versions of Vasilisa the Beautiful, The Frog Princess, and The Tale of Ivan the Tsar’s Son that Ivan Bilibin illustrated. My biggest question is how does the story end? I want to read this one once it is finished! I started guessing where the story was going, and I was so sad when it cut off. With some sentence level editing I think this story is a really lovely read.
Sarah:
Sarah, what a tense ride. I like how you brought us into the story right in the middle of the action, as a reader it kept my attention, anticipating what would come next. In the beginning I had so many questions, nothing made sense for a car full of people, but as the story unfolded everything began to make more sense. I also liked how you moved us back and forth through time with the date and hour; that really upped the tension for me as we slowly found out what was going on. I also want to say that this story reminded me of the Gisele Pelicot story that has been in the news. Why did Marissa’s husband drug her if he just wanted to cheat on her? How did she get such a bad bruise on her hip just falling out of bed? I think some insight into their relationship might explain why her reaction is so extreme. I do want to know why he was drugging her, was she right? Or is there something worse going on here?
Your story is about an abused wife whose husband had been drugging her with Nitrazepam and she eventually beats him to death and drives them both into a pond. This story is a reflection of Marissa’s last few weeks of life. From getting her lab work done and being suspicious of the bruises on her body and to finding out her husband had been having an affair. It’s a dark story filled with absolutely no hope and despair. I think it was clever of you to use the line of “I have a destination but we’re still far from it.” It is confusing at first since we see all these characters in her life but none of them are actually speaking. It made me wonder why it was her siblings and mother-in-law but once things got revealed, this line is actually quite haunting. I think it was interesting how she found out her husband was drugging her. I like the accidental discovery. It makes me wonder why she was not suspicious of her husband at all before this and why she instantly chose to beat him to death? It seems very sudden, unless it was supposed to be that way? I think including the mother-in-law into the story to gaslight Marissa and baby her son would add more fuel and tension. I would have loved to see the dynamic of the brother as well. It seems like we were missing a key part of him. You did a really good job portraying her thoughts before she took the plunge.
Kat,
This story about Ivan and the talking frog is such a fun twist on The Princess and the Frog! I liked the gender role flip and the humor you’ve sprinkled throughout. One thing I really enjoyed was how the frog feels like the main character, even though the story is technically about Ivan. It raises interesting questions: is the frog genuinely Ivan’s destiny, or is she just manipulating him? The bit with the arrow and whether it was destined for the tree or meant to lead Ivan to the frog was intriguing—did she outsmart him, or is fate just that tricky? At first, I did find the timeline a little confusing at first, but it made sense by the end. Maybe adding timestamps like we’ve seen in some of the stories so far could help with that. Overall, this was a great read—humorous, intriguing, and full of potential
Post got separated…
Sarah,
This was a great story. Jumping right into the action kept me hooked, always wondering what would happen next. At first, the story was confusing—a car full of people, so many questions—but as things unfolded, it all clicked. I enjoyed how you used time jumps with the date and hour; it really built the tension as we pieced everything together and it made the story flow well. I think that the way you decided to reveal the plot to the reader in a slow like brick-by-brick way worked great. It mirrored the main character’s state of mind—confused and overwhelmed by grief. The big reveal that her husband was drugging her hits hard for the reader. Overall, this was a great read and left me worried and fearful but definitely on a good way.
Sarah,
as we are pushed into this seemingly high-stakes car ride we are also pushed into a high-stakes relationship with a young woman and her family. The imagery you utilize plays a huge role in captivating your audience as we are just as set into a state of disarray as our main character. Your use of tension from the first sentence keeps the audience scrolling through your work, and more importantly you’ve used senses that make your reader feel alongside your character in the physical. While I had no idea what was going on in the beginning, which also captivated me, I felt so anxious and bitter towards her mother- without even knowing what was going on yet, good job-alongside our main character just in the first page. This work felt very planned out, and you did a great job at misleading your reader, and I like the ending.
Kat,
This reads as a fairytale, but you use a lot of show not tell in your exposition. If you spiced this story up with more punctuation it would keep your reader at the edge of their seat a bit more, but none the less it’s a very world-building-heavy story. I thought you had a lot of characters for your story start that you didn’t allocate equal time to, but you also have the rest of your hypothetical novel to do that, so it’s not the biggest deal.
Sarah,
Your story was absolutely bone chilling, in more ways than one. The descriptions, the dates being the titles of the entries, like this is a memoir of a domestic abuse survivor, but what really sold it to me was the realistic descriptions you use of Marissa fighting back against Kyle. Having Marissa at first be optimistic of Kyle’s crimes, but having Nicole snap her out of it is not only a smart choice, but also unfortunately is the horrific reality. Victims don’t realize they are actually victims until sometimes it is too late, or until someone has to convince them. The way you portray Nicole getting through to Marissa is super realistic. Also, Kyle trying to gaslight Marissa when she confronted him pissed me off so much, but that is good. I believe your intent was for us to absolutely despise Kyle by the end of the story, and you definitely succeeded in doing that. Part of me hopes the way you ended the story means that she dumped his dead ass in the Pond, because who the hell drugs their partner and then cheats on them?! Although it was a fantastic story, I think my only suggestions would be to have some of the other family members in the car, like the Mother-In-Law, play a bigger role in the story. You made the Mother-In-Law sound so awful, and I was just hoping for a little more from her. I think you have an opportunity to do so much more with her. Maybe she is helping Kyle cheat, and covering it up? Also, I am a tad confused by the ending. I was hoping you could maybe explain it just a tad more, because I am super interested? Overall, a fantastic and chilling story and I really enjoyed reading it.
Kat,
This is a very creative and fantastic take on the fantasy genre. Although I don’t have the faintest idea what is happening, it is still super intriguing and a neat idea. I like the idea of a curse for the frog, and by the looks of it, you did an unconventional take on the genre and had the Princess as the Frog, instead of the Prince. I really like the creative approach to the genre you had and it felt super fresh. I apologize if I don’t have that much to say, i am just not as engrained into the fantasy genre as you. I am looking to ask as many questions as possible because your story is super crazy, but really fun to read.
15 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 20”
Kat:
Hi Kat! “Arrow of Destiny” is a novel start that takes place in a fantasy world with witches and sorcerers. A prince is going to get married to a frog, which is not necessarily out of the ordinary in this world. Vasilisa is the name of the frog who says to Ivan that she is his destiny. Ivan instead wishes that his arrow brought him to Koschei’s domain, which is the kingdom of darkness and death. If he was rather called to this land, he would be seen as a hero, as Ivan is from the Kingdom of 3/9 Tsarstvo. The coming of age ceremony is where Ivan shot his arrow into the air, which landed somewhere beyond the marsh. This is how the idea of the frog being his destiny came to be, as Ivan asked the frog to help him find his arrow. The royal advisor tells Ivan that he cannot have another try at the arrow or go against the law of destiny. It was said that Princess Freya went against her destiny and disappeared to Koschei. I really enjoyed your story overall, and it makes for a great story start. One suggestion I do have is to explicitly say what kinds of characters are in the story. You mention there being witches and sorcerers who live on the land, but do not mention what your characters actually are. Is Ivan simply a prince like the one from Cinderella? Does your version of prince mean something different and they are some sort of monster like those in Halloweentown?
Sarah:
Hi Sarah! “What Lies at the Bottom of the Pond” is an intense story. You have added sections to your writing which vary on days and times. Your story starts off on October 12, 2019, at 12:14 a.m.. You set the scene with a person driving, mother-in-law in the passenger seat and both brother and sister in the back seats. You mention she has a husband named Kyle, but is not in the car with them. Your descriptions make this seem like a hallucination, which I may be correct in saying with evidence from the end of the first section. On p. 3 para. 4, you describe the character’s husband Kyle laying across the floor in the back of the car with bruises on his side. The main character seems to be suffering from sleep paralysis, as there was a test run which showed Nitrazepam in her system, even though she only takes melatonin. Kyle tells Marissa that he cheated on her, which makes her believe he has been drugging her through tea. The two start getting into an argument, and Marissa hits Kyle in the head with a bat, which is where the section ends on page 8. I am assuming that Marissa killed her husband, but this is not certain, as it is not explicitly told to reader. Is this the relief she is feeling at the end of the story? Did she drive into the pond with her dead husband in the car? I would like to know if this is a novel start or a short story, as I am reading it as a short story. If it is a short story, I would suggest going into more detail with the events that are happening, especially with the ending. As a reader, I was left with a lot of questions with what was truly going on, which can potentially be answered by expanding your story further. And where did the other characters go that were in the car at the beginning of the story?
Kat
This is amazing! This story follows two characters. A prince and a frog. This is definitely a novel start. I want to keep reading. I liked the dialogue you had. It moved the story along and propelled the plot. I liked the characters the way they are introduced just feels so real to me. I think that you could add some world building scenes. I’m interested in the environment and the descriptions of the characters, they seem to just be doing plot. They need their world built up more around them. So as a reader I can feel a bit more immersed in it. I was a bit confused when the time flip happened, but that could just be me. I want to walk down a street or through the swamp a bit more. What does it taste like, smell like, look like to the characters individually, what does it sound like in this world you have made? What is this arrow, what does it look like, how does it feel when they hold it?
Sarah
This is a really cool story! This is about a woman who is being drugged by her husband so he can cheat. This is about confrontation and unexpected betrayal, paranoia. I like how you formatted it. It makes it flow to the points that you want to zoom more into and paint a more detailed and pierced together picture. I love the time and date stamps, it keeps the reader on their toes, to pay attention to where and what they are reading. It doesn’t let them get lazy. But they need to be more connected. There are some holes, like with the sister and the pills connection and the cheating bit as well. As well as the abuse part which is heavily implied, she didn’t ask about the bruises and such. Maybe write a scene after she leaves her sisters where she gets drugged by him, but she remembers it as a lucid dream or she didn’t finish the tea and only had a few sips because it was too sweet for her. Some reason she didn’t get the full dose of the drug. How did she know that Kyle was cheating on her?
Kat
This works as a great novel start. The switching of point of views set this up as a back and forth between the frog and Ivan, I wonder if the sorcerer’s perspective could come into play later on. I liked the plot and how you set up the world here, it doesn’t go too far into the magical aspects of society except those that directly affect the main characters. I feel like there are some spots that you could go more in depth on sensory-wise for example, describing what does the arrow look like? What does the frog look like? The swamp? What about the path to the arrow? Those sort of things to bring your reader more into the world that you have built. I like the humor with Ivan, who lives in a world of magical and dangerous creatures, yet is afraid of frogs and toads. I like this addition to this story, as it gives your main character more depth, and seemingly more realistic. My other suggestion is possibly swapping the first section and the second section. I think I would like the story to start with the It all started at his coming of age ceremony section since it grounds the reader in a place bustling with life and creates a fun introduction to the world. Overall, this was fun to read.
Kat:
“Arrow of Destiny” is about a prince who is about to marry a frog and in this fantasy world is not out of the ordinary. The frog Vasilisa tells the prince Ivan that she is his destiny. The frog becoming his destiny was determined by Ivan shooting an arrow and it landed in the marsh. This was a great story start! It definitely gave me Princess and The Frog vibes but with more detail and intricate world that I enjoyed! I loved the different points of views and think it really worked with your story. One suggestion is I think some more detail about the world you created would really make your story better.
Sarah:
“What Lies at the bottom of the pond” Is a story about a woman whose husband has been drugging her so he could cheat on her. This was a really intense story! Her husband Kyle tells the wife Marissa that he had cheated on her, which made her believe that he had been drugging her through her tea. This story left me with a lot of questions, like on page 8 where Marissa hits Kyle on the head with a bat, is he still alive? Or did she kill him? A suggestion I have is to go into a bit more detail to make certain things clearer to the reader, but I really loved how intense this story was it got me wanting more!
Kat, this is a story about a young man, Ivan, who discovers that a talking frog is his destiny — or so she wants him to believe. Right off the bat, I love the switch in gender roles compared to the classic Princess and the Frog. You write with a lot of humor and irony, which I really like. This story gives me Disenchantment from Netflix vibes (which is a compliment, in my opinion). Some humorous moments that stood out to me were: “Ivan cringed at the comment of crying. He cried not because he would miss his brother, but because he wanted to go sailing too” (pg 4, para 3) and his fear of frogs. I also like that the main character is low-key the frog and not Ivan. One question I have is: was the arrow destined for the tree, and is the frog using him? Or because it bounced off the tree despite its speed, was the frog his destiny, and she just thinks she’s tricking him? I also found myself initially confused by the timeline, although it made sense at the end. I might recommend breaking the story down into timestamps like what Sarah did in her story.
Sarah, this is a story about a murder-suicide, a failing marriage, familial relationships, and being generally unhappy with your life. I really love your tone-setting language, for example: “the words asphyxiate me” (pg 1), “Some emotions fester” (pg 1), “My mouth is beginning to water more and more; a flooded swamp” (pg 3). The story is gripping, and even when I didn’t know what was happening, I wanted to read more. One question I have is, what was the couple’s relationship like before this story took place? Were there small signs of him cheating? I think adding a paragraph where readers see her discover the pills, the rip in the mattress, and finding the bat (maybe second-guessing herself) would be really interesting. Another comment I have is that I was confused by the time jumps. I like them, but some are hard to follow. I had to go back and reread a few parts — some jumps felt too small, and some felt huge. The jumps reminded me of The Shining and had the same unsettling effect on me as a reader; I just wish some had a bit more context.
Kat:
Right from the first line, you capture a unique and humorous take on the fairy tale trope, grounding it in a richly detailed world where magic, adventure, and danger feel natural and inevitable. Ivan’s reluctance and skepticism are relatable and add a nice touch of irony to his situation. I love how you’ve sketched the kingdom’s landscape, particularly the stark contrast between the 3/9 Tsarstvo and Koshei’s domain. The tree with one-half dead and the other alive is a vivid symbol of the tension between light and dark in this world, and it really gives the reader a visual anchor for that division.
The whole “Arrow of Destiny” ceremony and Ivan’s less-than-glamorous quest create a compelling setup. You build the stakes well with his brothers’ achievements, his hope for glory, and the looming threat of Kochei. Ivan’s fear of frogs adds an unexpected, almost slapstick humor that makes him feel very human. Plus, Vasila’s perspective introduces an intriguing layer to her character, hinting at her resourcefulness and desperation to break her curse. Seeing her relishing Ivan’s discomfort a bit is fun, making her a robust and engaging counterpart.
If I suggest anything, consider giving Ivan one or two short, introspective moments where he questions his worth. This could deepen his motivation for adventure and subtly hint at why he resists the idea of “destiny.”
Sarah:
I love the dark, haunting tone you’ve created in What Lies at the Bottom of the Pond. The sotry’s fragmented structure and vivid sensory details bring the reader right into Marissa’s mental unraveling and desperation. The rfepitition of “it’s so cold” feels almost like an incantation, grounding her emotional and physical state while intensifying the atmosphere of dread.
A couple of things you might consider enhancing: First, Marissa’s revelations about the Nitrazepam are powerful but could perhaps be even more suspenseful if hinted at a bit earlier. Maybe you could add a few more subtle clues or unsettling thoughts to build suspicion before the big confrontation. Also, the last scene at the pond is captivating, but I wonder if slowing down slightly here could add more impact—perhaps with a reflection or a sensory description just before she makes that final decision.
“What Lies at the Bottom of the Pond”
1: The story is about a wife who gets cheated on by her husband. Her husband drugs her so that she can cheat on her unhindered, which has a significant toll on her mental health.
2: I like how we as readers experience the story in a sequence that is not linear. The switch around between the different time stamps gives us hints as to what comes next in the linear time sequence. We have an idea of what caused what before the entire sequence is fully revealed.
3: Questions: Why is the year included in the different subsections? Does that have relevance to the story? Also, why does her life likely end at 30 years old?
4: Overall, I thought the story was very well written, but I might elaborate more on her as a person outside of the relationship and family as well as why her life is likely to end at age 30. This might also help further the reader’s understanding of why she killed herself in the end.
“Arrow of Destiny”
1: The story is mainly centered on a prince and a talking frog with a curse on her. After shooting the arrow of destiny, the prince became fated to marry the frog. This would help the frog tremendously, as it would help her break some sort of curse and thus avoid falling into the hands of Koschei the Sorcerer.
2: I like how the medieval setting is depicted, and I think that the ideas of the arrow of destiny and the talking frog are very creative and add a distinct flavor to the story.The unique names for places and the overall language depicted in the story also gives it a unique flavor.
3: Did the talking frog used to be a human? Did her curse involve being turned into a frog? Once the curse is broken, will she become a human again?
4: I am curious to learn more about what 3/9 Tsarstvo is like as a kingdom, and what geographic features/other kingdoms surround it, as well as how those features influence their interactions.
Kat’s story was so fun, and I really liked it. The world building in this story was incredible, and it really helped me understand the situation Ivan was in. The magical arrow was such an interesting plot point and incredibly creative. The idea that a tradition like that had been passed down for centuries was so interesting to me, and I really enjoyed the conflict that might arise from an arrow choosing one’s destiny. This is clearly the beginning of a novel, and I must admit I would read the full version. The frog’s character is already so funny and interesting, and I would love to see the kind of person she really is. I would also be interested to find out how she got in her predicament, why she’s under this curse. I’m also interested to see how her relationship with Ivan buds and changes. The only suggestion I have for this piece is in the beginning. A lot of the information is given to us, and I might suggest telling us about the lore in a different way. I think explaining parts of it is good, but having another character explain it, or have it be shown would be a good way to make sure you’re not info-dumping.
I absolutely loved Sarah’s story. The imagery and description she uses in it helps you to thoroughly drown yourself in the story. So much so that you feel like you’re actually there. Something I really enjoyed about this story was the time jumps. The way the story jumps back and forth helps add to the desperate, aggressive nature of the story. It also helps you to put together a timeline. There was a specific line I really enjoyed: “Brake, brake, brake. Don’t break.” The play on words is funny, while also nailing in the panic in Marissa. I enjoyed how it took me a while to realize what was actually happening, and that it wasn’t until the end when I realized she was killing her cheating husband. The addition of other characters really fleshes out the story and adds so much to it. As far as suggestions I really don’t have any. I really enjoyed the story and thought it was beautifully done.
Journal #20
Kat
I really liked this story. There is something really beautiful in its simplicity. Your story is direct, to the point, but not in an aggressive fashion. I really enjoyed your pacing, giving us background and building your world, but not dragging your feet about it. I love a story that differs from the way the world works for us. I like a story where the rules are different, and things don’t work in a way we understand. I also just love the idea of being led directly to my destiny. If only it could be so easy in our world. I think the implications of this are so interesting. Is the arrow ever wrong? Does everyone get to follow the arrow or only the royal family? Is this frog hijacking his destiny or is she truly his fate? Is fate different from destiny? I’m thinking too hard now, but I really appreciate how your story brings up these questions in only the first chapter. I think you could improve this story with some more punctuation. Not a ton more, I like your shorter sentence structure but breaking it up in some areas could make the reader experience smoother. I think maybe your last paragraph could use a little attention. Overall, I think your story is off to a great start, good work.
Sarah
I really love this story. It makes me feel panicked and scared, but in such a good way. I think the key to what makes this story work is the way in which you chose to reveal the plotline piece by piece. Done poorly, this feels robotic and unauthentic. But you did it well, and the result is a story unfolding like itself before our eyes. This does a few things. Besides just being a really cool writing structure, it puts us in the mind of your main character. Torn up by grief and despair, the story is as confusing as her life probably is at that moment. But the single message that cuts through the mist of the story is direct and simple: her husband has been drugging her. I really only have one suggestion for you: I don’t think cheating explains everything enough. I think it could be part of the puzzle but not all of it. My guess was much, much more fucked up. I thought the husband was drugging her and letting other men sleep with her. That may be too much and not the direction you want to go, but I think that would really hammer home why she chose to end her life at the end of the story. Great story, I really enjoyed it.
Ekaterina:
This story was such a beautiful reinterpretation of different fairy tales. As I read through it I had so much fun recognizing characters and elements from the fairy tales of my childhood that you reimagined in such a unique and fun way. On a personal note my little brother would love this story. He loves frogs, and he would find the part on page five where the prince falls on his bottom so funny, “Ivan jerked back his hand and with his sudden movements, fell right onto his bottom, completely soaking the lower half of his body.” I don’t know who your intended audience is, but it really gave me that nostalgic feeling of a childhood fairy tale. I think children would find this story really magical and exciting. This story made me want to see its illustrations. I found myself thinking about the versions of Vasilisa the Beautiful, The Frog Princess, and The Tale of Ivan the Tsar’s Son that Ivan Bilibin illustrated. My biggest question is how does the story end? I want to read this one once it is finished! I started guessing where the story was going, and I was so sad when it cut off. With some sentence level editing I think this story is a really lovely read.
Sarah:
Sarah, what a tense ride. I like how you brought us into the story right in the middle of the action, as a reader it kept my attention, anticipating what would come next. In the beginning I had so many questions, nothing made sense for a car full of people, but as the story unfolded everything began to make more sense. I also liked how you moved us back and forth through time with the date and hour; that really upped the tension for me as we slowly found out what was going on. I also want to say that this story reminded me of the Gisele Pelicot story that has been in the news. Why did Marissa’s husband drug her if he just wanted to cheat on her? How did she get such a bad bruise on her hip just falling out of bed? I think some insight into their relationship might explain why her reaction is so extreme. I do want to know why he was drugging her, was she right? Or is there something worse going on here?
Hey Sarah,
Your story is about an abused wife whose husband had been drugging her with Nitrazepam and she eventually beats him to death and drives them both into a pond. This story is a reflection of Marissa’s last few weeks of life. From getting her lab work done and being suspicious of the bruises on her body and to finding out her husband had been having an affair. It’s a dark story filled with absolutely no hope and despair. I think it was clever of you to use the line of “I have a destination but we’re still far from it.” It is confusing at first since we see all these characters in her life but none of them are actually speaking. It made me wonder why it was her siblings and mother-in-law but once things got revealed, this line is actually quite haunting. I think it was interesting how she found out her husband was drugging her. I like the accidental discovery. It makes me wonder why she was not suspicious of her husband at all before this and why she instantly chose to beat him to death? It seems very sudden, unless it was supposed to be that way? I think including the mother-in-law into the story to gaslight Marissa and baby her son would add more fuel and tension. I would have loved to see the dynamic of the brother as well. It seems like we were missing a key part of him. You did a really good job portraying her thoughts before she took the plunge.
Kat,
This story about Ivan and the talking frog is such a fun twist on The Princess and the Frog! I liked the gender role flip and the humor you’ve sprinkled throughout. One thing I really enjoyed was how the frog feels like the main character, even though the story is technically about Ivan. It raises interesting questions: is the frog genuinely Ivan’s destiny, or is she just manipulating him? The bit with the arrow and whether it was destined for the tree or meant to lead Ivan to the frog was intriguing—did she outsmart him, or is fate just that tricky? At first, I did find the timeline a little confusing at first, but it made sense by the end. Maybe adding timestamps like we’ve seen in some of the stories so far could help with that. Overall, this was a great read—humorous, intriguing, and full of potential
Post got separated…
Sarah,
This was a great story. Jumping right into the action kept me hooked, always wondering what would happen next. At first, the story was confusing—a car full of people, so many questions—but as things unfolded, it all clicked. I enjoyed how you used time jumps with the date and hour; it really built the tension as we pieced everything together and it made the story flow well. I think that the way you decided to reveal the plot to the reader in a slow like brick-by-brick way worked great. It mirrored the main character’s state of mind—confused and overwhelmed by grief. The big reveal that her husband was drugging her hits hard for the reader. Overall, this was a great read and left me worried and fearful but definitely on a good way.
Sarah,
as we are pushed into this seemingly high-stakes car ride we are also pushed into a high-stakes relationship with a young woman and her family. The imagery you utilize plays a huge role in captivating your audience as we are just as set into a state of disarray as our main character. Your use of tension from the first sentence keeps the audience scrolling through your work, and more importantly you’ve used senses that make your reader feel alongside your character in the physical. While I had no idea what was going on in the beginning, which also captivated me, I felt so anxious and bitter towards her mother- without even knowing what was going on yet, good job-alongside our main character just in the first page. This work felt very planned out, and you did a great job at misleading your reader, and I like the ending.
Kat,
This reads as a fairytale, but you use a lot of show not tell in your exposition. If you spiced this story up with more punctuation it would keep your reader at the edge of their seat a bit more, but none the less it’s a very world-building-heavy story. I thought you had a lot of characters for your story start that you didn’t allocate equal time to, but you also have the rest of your hypothetical novel to do that, so it’s not the biggest deal.
Sarah,
Your story was absolutely bone chilling, in more ways than one. The descriptions, the dates being the titles of the entries, like this is a memoir of a domestic abuse survivor, but what really sold it to me was the realistic descriptions you use of Marissa fighting back against Kyle. Having Marissa at first be optimistic of Kyle’s crimes, but having Nicole snap her out of it is not only a smart choice, but also unfortunately is the horrific reality. Victims don’t realize they are actually victims until sometimes it is too late, or until someone has to convince them. The way you portray Nicole getting through to Marissa is super realistic. Also, Kyle trying to gaslight Marissa when she confronted him pissed me off so much, but that is good. I believe your intent was for us to absolutely despise Kyle by the end of the story, and you definitely succeeded in doing that. Part of me hopes the way you ended the story means that she dumped his dead ass in the Pond, because who the hell drugs their partner and then cheats on them?! Although it was a fantastic story, I think my only suggestions would be to have some of the other family members in the car, like the Mother-In-Law, play a bigger role in the story. You made the Mother-In-Law sound so awful, and I was just hoping for a little more from her. I think you have an opportunity to do so much more with her. Maybe she is helping Kyle cheat, and covering it up? Also, I am a tad confused by the ending. I was hoping you could maybe explain it just a tad more, because I am super interested? Overall, a fantastic and chilling story and I really enjoyed reading it.
Kat,
This is a very creative and fantastic take on the fantasy genre. Although I don’t have the faintest idea what is happening, it is still super intriguing and a neat idea. I like the idea of a curse for the frog, and by the looks of it, you did an unconventional take on the genre and had the Princess as the Frog, instead of the Prince. I really like the creative approach to the genre you had and it felt super fresh. I apologize if I don’t have that much to say, i am just not as engrained into the fantasy genre as you. I am looking to ask as many questions as possible because your story is super crazy, but really fun to read.