“Taken”
1: The story is about a mother who lives in a somewhat ordinary, but also dysfunctional, household. She is having a difficult time coping with it, and feels underappreciated by her husband and children, who all use her to meet various personal objectives. In the end, when she goes for a walk after her last straw snaps, she gets kidnapped by some UFO-like object and shuttled away. In a sense, this seems to be a physical metaphor for the fact that she has already had her life’s dream taken from her as a result of her home situation.
2: I liked how the story was ordinary until it was not at the very end, throwing the reader in for a loop. The mother was also a very relatable character, despite me never having been in that kind of situation.
3: Questions: What was it that snatched the mother, and why did it do so? Is this the opening to a novel?
4: While the ending was interesting and surprising, it also seemed a little bit out of place for such an ordinary setting. Perhaps clue the reader into what is going on a little bit more, to ground them in reality. I would avoid making this scene too fantasy-esque given that the reader’s expectation is a modern and realistic setting after reading the first 7 or so pages.
“Spinsterhood”
1: The story is about a girl and a guy who like each other, but do not know how to confront that fact. They play Minecraft with a group of friends, which brings to the forefront exactly how each of them perceives their situation with regard to the other. These perceptions are off in a few key ways, and the story chapter ends with the situation largely the same as it was at the beginning.
2: I like how the story shifts point of view so that we as readers see both sides of the situation. It is also funny, but also frustrating, to see how each of them thinks that the other has zero chance of liking them back.
3: Question: Is this a college or highschool setting, and will the setting play a more major role in future chapters?
4: I really enjoyed the story, and thought that it would make a good short story on its own, given the acceptance that both of them felt with regard to the static situation at the end. However, the story was clearly intended to be continued. Where will it go from here? Will their situation develop further in a way that is real and not imagined in their own heads?
Grace, this was a great story! “Taken” is a story about a parent who is trying to take care of many different kids at once. She is not a single parent, but it seems like it. She looks to her husband for support, but he is holding a book and is not busy but does not answer back when she talks to him. Melody calls her mother and tells her that her husband Avi does not help with anything around the house, and she is overwhelmed with their kids. It is chaotic, and the way I read it was extremely fast paced. I especially liked on page 6 paragraph 2 where you say “Melody felt her eye twitch. She spent all night cooking this”. In this scene, she had asked her son to eat the dinner she made rather than play on his switch and he pushed the bowl away saying it was gross. This hurt her feelings, as the kids do not understand how much work she puts into their family, as their father is seemingly absent. It is interesting to note that Melody had been intending on going to law school, but Avi convinced her to carry out a pregnancy instead. I suggest that you go into more detail about this, possibly earlier in the story. Maybe have this as more background information before you dive into the rest of your story?
Chloe
Hi Chloe. “Spinsterhood” is a novel start to a story about 10 students that “broke” into a classroom after hours even though they were allowed to be there. They chose to play Minecraft instead of study, and do other trendy things people would do in their free time. The story switches in between the perspectives of the man and the girl, as they share some of the same feelings about each other, but do not explicitly say it aloud. I really enjoyed how this was a novel start rather than a short story because there are so many different ideas you have packed into 8 pages. I would like to know how old these characters are because it could easily be a middle or high school experience. I like how you depict the story through internal thought, rather than the characters talking aloud to one another. I would like to know what direction you are going to take the story in next, as I would like to see a real world conversation happen between the two characters. At first I was a bit confused with the change of perspective, as the only implication was through third person pronouns. Is there an easier way you can switch between scenes in a smoother way?
Grace “Taken”
This story is about a mother and an underappreciated middle aged woman. Who is abducted by aliens, when she goes on a walk thinking about if being a mother was a mistake, after her family is acting like she is just there and not helping her nor being considerate. “Melody felt her jaw clench, an incoming headache blooming at her temples. She chopped the carrot a little faster, scooping it up to throw it into the pot. ‘Just a second Avery – Evan! Give your brother his game back!’ “(page 2, paragraph 2). I liked that it captured her stress and frustration in the moment and kept it in the moment. I felt like I was watching it in real life or on tv. I want to know more about her relationship with her husband Avi, why is he not helping? I feel like it would help max out her feelings more than it is implied. I think it would help give more of an angle to it as an underappreciated woman in her household on all frontiers, kids and spouse.
Chloe “Spinsterhood”
This story is about two people who like each other. But I think that the other one doesn’t like them or is out of their league. They don’t want to risk dating when they are actually interested in each other. This story also explores a little bit of the ideas of spinsterhood, how it affects women, the idea of needing to be in a relationship. It also goes after insecurity. This is also about young kids who are like teenagers or younger I am guessing, that are a group of friends playing Minecraft in a classroom. I think that one thing that you wrote “at. This guy was never going to like me. No one was. At twenty, at thirty, at forty, I would have no one. In a way that idea was very freeing-…”(page 8 last paragraph) at the end really shocked me, I thought the story was going in a different direction, as a reader I wanted it to end with them talking and realizing they like each other. I like that you made me want something in the story not just what the characters want, but as a reader. I like even more that you didn’t fulfill that or aren’t going to for a bit. It keeps me wanting to read more. I also liked the way you described the friend group “Drat” bit. It was so real. A question I’m not sure if this is a novel start, it sure feels like it, but is it? The only reason I ask is because the title is pretty solid in ending with the spinster paragraph. It makes me see it as it is finished.
Grace
This is a story about a middle aged mom struggling with the weight of the domestic duties of giving up her dream to raise kids with her neglectful husband. I like how, as the reader, we feel the weight being pushed on her throughout the story, and the safety she feels when she calls her mom is sweet. I feel bad for her, and it is a sad reality for many women, which I think this creates a dialogue on. The only suggestion I can think of is either having another scene with her husband to expand on their relationship dynamic a little, and/or slowing down when she gets abducted in general. I also recognize that there is a point of view shift when she gets abducted, so possibly review that? I didn’t mind it but it took me a second when I read it.
Chloe
I love how you included “drats”. I always enjoy seeing how one word or phrase can spread through a friend group like a sickness, and this addition, while it didn’t have much to do with the plot, added depth to this friend group. I also just like this theme of hopeless romantics you have in your writing. The way that these characters have no idea what to do with themselves around each other is laughable, but an awkward reality for many when they develop a crush on someone. One suggestion I have is including more of the game and computer-related metaphors and hyperboles throughout this, as I feel they work well for you. For example on page five when you write, “It was like my brain overheated whenever I saw him”. Things like this makes everything seem more interconnected, and leans into the character’s nerdiness. I do not have much else to suggest, since I really like this already.
Grace, this is the first chapter of a novel about a woman who is taken for granted by her family and then abducted by aliens. I really like the details you include in this story (such as Ari staying silent during dinner or the mother’s silence toward the end of their phone call). One question I have is, what does the mother do for work? You mentioned she dropped out of law school to focus on being a mother, but also that she works full time. I would also love to see more show and less tell. For example, after the main character sees her husband sitting down reading, you write, “Definitely not busy.” I don’t think those comments are necessary because readers can already come to that conclusion. Instead, maybe take those spaces as opportunities to add some description of how the character is feeling or what the house looks like (is it a mess or covered in kid’s clothes? Maybe he’s sitting next to a pile of unfolded laundry). Overall, this is a really interesting story that combines mundane human life with surprising fantasy scenarios.
Chloe, this is a really intriguing chapter start — in the sense that this could also easily be a short story. Moreso, this is a deeply realistic story about the way insecurities and the fear of rejection often hold us back from being happy. You write with a lot of humor, and that helps this story, in particular, flourish. One line that shows your sarcastic sense of humor is, “But being the rebellious youths we were, we were playing Minecraft instead” (bottom of page 1). You also have a lot of great metaphoric language, such as the use of the words “ooey gooey” and “fondue” in this sentence, “In my head he would say something deliciously cheesy, only worthy of the sort of ooey gooey Hallmark fondue that makes guys like him cringe” (top of page 4). I also think that you have done a good job using Minecraft to propel the story. I do think you could allow the girl to spiral a bit more about being a spinster, maybe have a daydream about knitting and being surrounded by cats or something. Overall, this is a humorous story about two delusional people who actually have a right to be delusional.
The atmosphere you created in the kitchen scene was vivid, and the small details, like the clinking of the knife against the cutting board and the tension of the kids’ bickering, immersed me in Melody’s world. Her frustration and sense of being overwhelmed came across clearly, especially with how you captured the chaotic family dynamics and her growing resentment towards Avi; I could practically feel her overstimulation. It feels authentic and relatable, and Melody’s phone call with her mom adds a layer of emotional complexity.
What inspired you to make Melody’s frustration with her family the catalyst for this story? Did you intend for the abduction scene to represent something symbolic, like her need to escape?
You might consider foreshadowing the supernatural or eerie turn a bit earlier, maybe subtle hints about the surroundings or something odd in the air. That way, when the light and abduction occur, it feels both surprising and oddly inevitable. Also, expanding a bit on Melody’s internal thoughts during her walk could strengthen the transition into the surreal, highlighting her sense of being trapped and perhaps making the abduction feel like an escape and a mystery.
Chloe:
The protagonist’s internal monologue is both entertaining and authentic, capturing that feeling of intense self-consciousness and dramatic overthinking that’s so common in unrequited crushes. The dual perspectives add a wonderful layer, showing the tension and misunderstandings between the characters in a way that feels natural. I thought the assumptions and confusion she experiences about his thoughts and feelings and his lack of reactions accurately portray how hard the guys can be at times.
Why does the protagonist feel she’ll be a “spinster forever” at such a young age? Is it part of her exaggerated, dramatic outlook, or is there a deeper reason behind her self-doubt, maybe family history? Additionally, what’s the significance of the “fish” gif and text? It was intriguing, but it felt like it hinted at some inside joke or quirky communication style between them.
I think you could lean even more into the protagonist’s voice by occasionally letting her inner dialogue become almost absurdly self-deprecating, emphasizing the humor of her despair. Also, maybe consider grounding the classroom setting a bit more initially—adding a few sensory details about the space could help immerse the readers in the scene before the protagonist’s thoughts start to spiral.
Hey Grace,
I was not expecting the story to go the way it did at all. When Melody went on a walk, I expected her to get kidnapped or something… not get abducted by aliens. I actually think that was a very smart move as it captures our attention even further. When the story starts, I like how we are instantly put into chaos. The writing style feels kind of chaotic in a way too where it is hard to keep track of what is going on as it keeps panning from person to person. The siblings fighting over the switch reminded me of how my brothers and I would fight over the wii remote or just the tv remote in general. It is very realistic. I am glad you made Rowan a picky eater because once you mentioned soup I was sure someone was going to say something. I think if you had incorporated her dreams and goals in between the chaos, it would have flowed better. It felt sudden and slightly random when she was thinking about it.
Hey Chloe,
Your story is about two college students that like each other but are afraid to make their feelings known. They are both insecure and feel as if they are not good for each other. They are playing minecraft with their friend group and are mostly having inner monologues. I liked how we got to know both of these characters and got a peek into their brains. It did frustrate me somewhat that I knew that they liked each other, but they didn’t. I like how detailed your story is and I especially like how you included Minecraft. While I was never an avid minecraft player, I did have a tiny, short phase where I played it with my friends on discord during COVID. It is definitely an experience playing it with many friends. I really liked the line when you are describing Jacob’s hands, “like a spider classically trained in ballet.” I am curious why she thinks she will forever remain a spinster. I’d like to know more about her past relationships, if she’s ever had them. I think including that would help express why she will be a spinster.
I really loved Chloe’s story. It was incredibly funny and also incredibly real. When the POV switched to guy, I was so excited, most short stories don’t take the opportunity to see both POVs, and I was really happy that we would get to see what they were BOTH thinking (I kind of wish all stories would do this). The incorporation of the friend group dynamic was so fun, and totally realistic. Having a dumb word or phrase spread through the group dialect like wildfire happens way too much in real life. I really enjoyed the way both characters were essentially thinking the same thing: doubting themselves, feeling insecure, resigned to the fact that they weren’t good enough for the other. The inner dialogue is just dramatic enough for someone with a crush. I liked how you zeroed in on specific fantasies and wishes, things that definitely run through your mind when you’re with a crush. The way they talked about each other was SO adorable, and I found myself smiling while reading it. My only suggestion would be to perhaps name some of the friends in the group! That way we get a real feel for the environment and people. I really really liked this story and how cute it was.
“Taken” is about Melody who is a mom to 3 kids who is struggling with the pressure of being a mom and does not have any help from her husband. I really loved this story! I was able to feel the helplessness and craziness Melody was experiencing from her kids, where she just had so much to focus on. This is a great representation of what some mothers go through today, having to give up their dreams for a family. I really felt like I was living the chaos of Melody’s life and I really felt for her. I would love to see more of Melody and her husbands dynamic. I think it would be great. The ending definitely took me off guard and added another element to the story. But I really liked this story!
Chloe:
“Spinsterhood” Is about a group of friends who go into a classroom to play minecraft and this girl has a crush on a guy in the friend group, who thinks he doesn’t like her but he does. I think this was a great novel start and can see how it can continue into a novel. The different perspectives were a great addition and I loved being able to know what the guy was thinking in the story. One suggestion I have is a bit more dialogue, I would have loved to see them interact. But overall I really enjoyed this and can’t wait to see where you take the story!
Grace:
Grace this was a really good meditation on the modern day expectations society has for mothers, but taken to an extreme. I really liked the topic you chose; it’s so important to talk about issues facing parents, especially mothers. I really feel like being taken for granted is an issue many mothers can relate to and it was presented so well! I also loved the chaotic ambience that you built in this story, I could really feel the main character’s tension as we moved through the piece. Sentences like this one from the bottom of page four showcase this so well, “Her mother stayed silent. ‘They run circles around me. It’s like they don’t even really see me. And Avi doesn’t help.’” I like the fact that she calls her mother for support and that you tell us about the relationship the two of them have. I worried about her mother, who she is so close to, when she got abducted by the aliens. The relationship between them was very sympathetic. I do have a question though, when the youngest son calls his mother an expletive, why doesn’t she respond? Is this to highlight her feelings? Is it done intentionally to show the reader how she has lost all the agency in her life, which ultimately reaches its climax at her abduction by aliens? I dont think Ive ever met a mother who would simply leave after being cussed out by her child. She doesn’t punish him? Put him to bed with no dinner? Yell at the whole table? Also she doesn’t say a word to her husband who just let their child talk to her that way and didn’t back her up at all? The fact that she doesn’t say a word was hard to understand for me as I feel that human instinct is to defend ourselves, and when it’s your own child insulting you I feel it’s far more likely that you would be infuriated. Her not responding really highlights the fact that she seems to have no agency, turning the alien abduction into an interesting metaphor. I really want to know what happens next in her story, especially how she feels being pulled up into the spaceship. On the whole this was an unexpected ending, and I thought it was fun! It definitely changes the entire story!
Grace,
This is a story about a mother of three who is growing frustrated with her life because she feels unappreciated by her husband and children. She feels like a single mother, and even when she asks for help she never receives it. I like the way that you sprinkle small frustrations and let them build until she finally snaps, and I think you did a great job showing the chaos of her life. As someone who grew up in a house with five kids, this feels really familiar to me, especially the fighting over the Switch and asking their mom to agree to do something at a totally inconvenient time. I’d really love to know more about Avi and Melody’s relationship with him. She tells her mom that things aren’t great between them right now—what else has he been doing to get on her nerves? I like the fantasy twist at the end as well.
Chloe,
I love how much personality is in this. Especially on page 4 para. 1, “Then we would obviously walk off into the sunset together,” it makes the character really likable. I also really like that this friend group gets together to play Minecraft. The way you swap between perspectives is really interesting and I think it improves the story a lot, because it adds tension for the reader to know that they both like each other but won’t say anything about it. I’d really like to know more about her insecurities and her idea that she’ll be single forever—maybe you could go into a little more detail here into what she has envisioned for herself based on this?
Grace,
I really enjoyed reading what I believe was a novel start. The story is about the emotional weight of a middle-aged mother, Melody, who has given up her dreams to raise her children alongside a neglectful husband. For me as the reader, I was able to feel the burden she carries, and the moment she seeks comfort by calling her mother is a sweet and tender touch. I think that the fast-paced, chaotic nature of Melody’s life is well portrayed, especially in moments like the scene on page 6 where her son dismisses the dinner she worked hard to prepare. This hurt is compounded by her husband Avi’s emotional absence, making it feel as though she’s parenting alone. Something else that I thought was interesting was that Melody once had aspirations to attend law school, a dream she abandoned at Avi’s almost request. I think adding onto that early would help set the stage for her current struggles. Something I might suggest would be adding more with Avi just to explore that relationship dynamic more. Overall though the reading was very engaging, and I enjoyed it
Chloe,
your story “Spinsterhood” is both funny and deeply relatable, exploring themes of insecurity, societal expectations, and unspoken crushes. I really enjoyed your dual point-of-view approach because I feel like that is a very rare thing especially in short stories, I think that it added a lot of depth. Both characters are endearingly awkward, doubting themselves while secretly pining for each other, which made their internal monologues more interesting f me as the reader. I also think that your ability to capture the insecurities and dramatic inner thoughts of having a crush felt spot on, and the specific fantasies and self-doubts were adorable and humorous. I also really enjoyed the dynamics of the friend group; I think it made the interactions between them feel lively and authentic. One suggestion for me especially would be to name some of the friends to help flesh out the group dynamic even more and give readers a stronger sense of the environment just to make things clearer.
Grace,
you’ve used crisp imagery through a wide variety of adjectives that flow well with your story, good job! One suggestion would be using paragraph indents at every new one, but your story flows nicely- very even. You’ve allocated time to each character too, which is difficult to do in a short story with many characters. You’ve held tension and I thought about how you mentioned the mother’s hair is in a bun, and since a hair fell out of it, I would assume it’s a loose bun; I thought you did a good job at alluding to the fact that the mother was in a lot of distress through this, about to come “undone” just like her bun. The ending came out of nowhere, too- I found myself giggling a little bit at the suddenness of it!
Chloe,
Your story pulled me in because who hasn’t been in Decary using the projectors to play Minecraft or Roblox? It’s such a real and grounding story that, at its core, is relatable; I love that this reads as an experience! The humor works as a great transition between the physical and the mental, too. The switch between the girl and the boy felt very personal, too, you’re very talented when it comes to writing romance! I enjoyed your last story, too.
This novel start is a really compelling and clever way to start a novel, because of the way you end the chapter and the way you carry out the conflict with ease. I for one really liked how real and relatable everything in the story was, from the way the characters are written, to the way the characters interact with each other over the game “Minecraft” (Reminds me of Middle School), to the way both characters think about their attraction towards each other. Jacob seriously reminds me of myself so much, from the way he speaks, to the degrading of himself, and even the description of his physique. “My hair
was not good either. My voice sounded funny, I was awkward, and most importantly I was not
the kind of person who got a girlfriend. Honestly- I was not even entirely sure if I wanted one. I
mean I did- I really did.” this line is literally me. You made me connect with Jacob in a few ways because of the person I am the person you made him. I think the switching of the perspectives and point of views was super clever, as it allowed us to get to know both of these characters even more. We aren’t just scratching the surface with this story, you are actually taking us deeper into it, which I appreciate. I think for me, I would just like to know why she is so quick to assume she is going to be a Spinster? Did something prior happen to her that made her think this? Just a little more clarification but I think your story is super clever and really good. I really enjoyed it.
Grace,
Holy hell, this is an intense story! It appears to be about a Mother who is completely disrespected and neglected by every member of her family. Then as she is going for a walk to cool off, she appears to be abducted by a UFO craft. My jaw hit the floor numerous times while reading this piece, as I was not expecting many of the things I read. You made every character, minus Melody, so easy to hate. From Roman dropping that outrageous line “I’ll stop being a brat when you stop being a bitch!” to him just glaring at his mother and shit talking her food. When she says “I spent all night making this soup,”, it easily made Melody even more rootable. I absolutely despise when people don’t respect their mothers, and seeing this kid call her a bitch over a bowl of soup made me want to start yelling at my screen. You put in a lot of traits for these people that makes them awful people, maybe except Avery. I feel like more could be done with her. I saw her take advantage of her mother saying “yes”, but after that, she wasn’t that shown in the rest of the story. Maybe expand a bit on Avery a bit, especially when you mention that Melody was pregnant with her in Law School. Speaking of which, that paragraph on page 7 where Melody opens up about her life was painful, because it reminded me of many people back in Newton who had to give up so much because of scenarios like this. It made Melody seem more human. A suggestion I have is although I don’t like Avi, just like with Avery, I feel like you could do more with him. Maybe when Melody and Rowan are going at it, Avi takes Rowan’s side? I really liked this novel and I am excited to see how Melody continues, or if the story is told from her family’s perspective from here on out.
Chloe
I thought this story was really sweet, and well told. It was silly and yet very engaging. I thought splitting the point of view was a really useful tool. I think you wrote the split point of view really well, because your characters are very distinct in their personalities. Yet, although they are distinct individuals, are very similar in the almost painfully indirect way they go about love. I think this story is good because I think so often this is pretty much exactly how love goes. I think you capture the first few moments of excitement you feel when you realize the person you like might just like you too. The near disbelief as over and over again all signs begin to point to that fact. The lens you use here is also quite good. You choose such a small snippet of time. Just a brief little glimpse into these lives. I would not have liked this story as much if we’d seen a conclusion. But I think we know what’s coming, and I love how exciting that is. I am really rooting for these two. All in all I really enjoyed this story and thought it was a splendid little read.
Grace
I liked this. I think you captured a big family pretty darn well. I remember those nights growing up, when my poor Mom had had enough of our shit and simply stormed out of the house. This chapter is hectic, which I think is perfect. You are describing a very hectic moment in a womens hectic life, so it fits perfectly that this chapter is a blur of motion and emotion. I think this is a good novel start because you bring us into the story with some powerful dialogue and a woman I think we all feel a little sympathetic towards. Then, we get to the end of the chapter, and our entire idea about what this story is going to be shifted, and I want to know what’s next. I am really curious where this story goes next. Good aliens? Bad aliens? Not aliens at all? Why her? I guess I’ll just have to wait for the novel to be published.
15 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 21”
“Taken”
1: The story is about a mother who lives in a somewhat ordinary, but also dysfunctional, household. She is having a difficult time coping with it, and feels underappreciated by her husband and children, who all use her to meet various personal objectives. In the end, when she goes for a walk after her last straw snaps, she gets kidnapped by some UFO-like object and shuttled away. In a sense, this seems to be a physical metaphor for the fact that she has already had her life’s dream taken from her as a result of her home situation.
2: I liked how the story was ordinary until it was not at the very end, throwing the reader in for a loop. The mother was also a very relatable character, despite me never having been in that kind of situation.
3: Questions: What was it that snatched the mother, and why did it do so? Is this the opening to a novel?
4: While the ending was interesting and surprising, it also seemed a little bit out of place for such an ordinary setting. Perhaps clue the reader into what is going on a little bit more, to ground them in reality. I would avoid making this scene too fantasy-esque given that the reader’s expectation is a modern and realistic setting after reading the first 7 or so pages.
“Spinsterhood”
1: The story is about a girl and a guy who like each other, but do not know how to confront that fact. They play Minecraft with a group of friends, which brings to the forefront exactly how each of them perceives their situation with regard to the other. These perceptions are off in a few key ways, and the story chapter ends with the situation largely the same as it was at the beginning.
2: I like how the story shifts point of view so that we as readers see both sides of the situation. It is also funny, but also frustrating, to see how each of them thinks that the other has zero chance of liking them back.
3: Question: Is this a college or highschool setting, and will the setting play a more major role in future chapters?
4: I really enjoyed the story, and thought that it would make a good short story on its own, given the acceptance that both of them felt with regard to the static situation at the end. However, the story was clearly intended to be continued. Where will it go from here? Will their situation develop further in a way that is real and not imagined in their own heads?
Grace
Grace, this was a great story! “Taken” is a story about a parent who is trying to take care of many different kids at once. She is not a single parent, but it seems like it. She looks to her husband for support, but he is holding a book and is not busy but does not answer back when she talks to him. Melody calls her mother and tells her that her husband Avi does not help with anything around the house, and she is overwhelmed with their kids. It is chaotic, and the way I read it was extremely fast paced. I especially liked on page 6 paragraph 2 where you say “Melody felt her eye twitch. She spent all night cooking this”. In this scene, she had asked her son to eat the dinner she made rather than play on his switch and he pushed the bowl away saying it was gross. This hurt her feelings, as the kids do not understand how much work she puts into their family, as their father is seemingly absent. It is interesting to note that Melody had been intending on going to law school, but Avi convinced her to carry out a pregnancy instead. I suggest that you go into more detail about this, possibly earlier in the story. Maybe have this as more background information before you dive into the rest of your story?
Chloe
Hi Chloe. “Spinsterhood” is a novel start to a story about 10 students that “broke” into a classroom after hours even though they were allowed to be there. They chose to play Minecraft instead of study, and do other trendy things people would do in their free time. The story switches in between the perspectives of the man and the girl, as they share some of the same feelings about each other, but do not explicitly say it aloud. I really enjoyed how this was a novel start rather than a short story because there are so many different ideas you have packed into 8 pages. I would like to know how old these characters are because it could easily be a middle or high school experience. I like how you depict the story through internal thought, rather than the characters talking aloud to one another. I would like to know what direction you are going to take the story in next, as I would like to see a real world conversation happen between the two characters. At first I was a bit confused with the change of perspective, as the only implication was through third person pronouns. Is there an easier way you can switch between scenes in a smoother way?
Grace “Taken”
This story is about a mother and an underappreciated middle aged woman. Who is abducted by aliens, when she goes on a walk thinking about if being a mother was a mistake, after her family is acting like she is just there and not helping her nor being considerate. “Melody felt her jaw clench, an incoming headache blooming at her temples. She chopped the carrot a little faster, scooping it up to throw it into the pot. ‘Just a second Avery – Evan! Give your brother his game back!’ “(page 2, paragraph 2). I liked that it captured her stress and frustration in the moment and kept it in the moment. I felt like I was watching it in real life or on tv. I want to know more about her relationship with her husband Avi, why is he not helping? I feel like it would help max out her feelings more than it is implied. I think it would help give more of an angle to it as an underappreciated woman in her household on all frontiers, kids and spouse.
Chloe “Spinsterhood”
This story is about two people who like each other. But I think that the other one doesn’t like them or is out of their league. They don’t want to risk dating when they are actually interested in each other. This story also explores a little bit of the ideas of spinsterhood, how it affects women, the idea of needing to be in a relationship. It also goes after insecurity. This is also about young kids who are like teenagers or younger I am guessing, that are a group of friends playing Minecraft in a classroom. I think that one thing that you wrote “at. This guy was never going to like me. No one was. At twenty, at thirty, at forty, I would have no one. In a way that idea was very freeing-…”(page 8 last paragraph) at the end really shocked me, I thought the story was going in a different direction, as a reader I wanted it to end with them talking and realizing they like each other. I like that you made me want something in the story not just what the characters want, but as a reader. I like even more that you didn’t fulfill that or aren’t going to for a bit. It keeps me wanting to read more. I also liked the way you described the friend group “Drat” bit. It was so real. A question I’m not sure if this is a novel start, it sure feels like it, but is it? The only reason I ask is because the title is pretty solid in ending with the spinster paragraph. It makes me see it as it is finished.
Grace
This is a story about a middle aged mom struggling with the weight of the domestic duties of giving up her dream to raise kids with her neglectful husband. I like how, as the reader, we feel the weight being pushed on her throughout the story, and the safety she feels when she calls her mom is sweet. I feel bad for her, and it is a sad reality for many women, which I think this creates a dialogue on. The only suggestion I can think of is either having another scene with her husband to expand on their relationship dynamic a little, and/or slowing down when she gets abducted in general. I also recognize that there is a point of view shift when she gets abducted, so possibly review that? I didn’t mind it but it took me a second when I read it.
Chloe
I love how you included “drats”. I always enjoy seeing how one word or phrase can spread through a friend group like a sickness, and this addition, while it didn’t have much to do with the plot, added depth to this friend group. I also just like this theme of hopeless romantics you have in your writing. The way that these characters have no idea what to do with themselves around each other is laughable, but an awkward reality for many when they develop a crush on someone. One suggestion I have is including more of the game and computer-related metaphors and hyperboles throughout this, as I feel they work well for you. For example on page five when you write, “It was like my brain overheated whenever I saw him”. Things like this makes everything seem more interconnected, and leans into the character’s nerdiness. I do not have much else to suggest, since I really like this already.
Grace, this is the first chapter of a novel about a woman who is taken for granted by her family and then abducted by aliens. I really like the details you include in this story (such as Ari staying silent during dinner or the mother’s silence toward the end of their phone call). One question I have is, what does the mother do for work? You mentioned she dropped out of law school to focus on being a mother, but also that she works full time. I would also love to see more show and less tell. For example, after the main character sees her husband sitting down reading, you write, “Definitely not busy.” I don’t think those comments are necessary because readers can already come to that conclusion. Instead, maybe take those spaces as opportunities to add some description of how the character is feeling or what the house looks like (is it a mess or covered in kid’s clothes? Maybe he’s sitting next to a pile of unfolded laundry). Overall, this is a really interesting story that combines mundane human life with surprising fantasy scenarios.
Chloe, this is a really intriguing chapter start — in the sense that this could also easily be a short story. Moreso, this is a deeply realistic story about the way insecurities and the fear of rejection often hold us back from being happy. You write with a lot of humor, and that helps this story, in particular, flourish. One line that shows your sarcastic sense of humor is, “But being the rebellious youths we were, we were playing Minecraft instead” (bottom of page 1). You also have a lot of great metaphoric language, such as the use of the words “ooey gooey” and “fondue” in this sentence, “In my head he would say something deliciously cheesy, only worthy of the sort of ooey gooey Hallmark fondue that makes guys like him cringe” (top of page 4). I also think that you have done a good job using Minecraft to propel the story. I do think you could allow the girl to spiral a bit more about being a spinster, maybe have a daydream about knitting and being surrounded by cats or something. Overall, this is a humorous story about two delusional people who actually have a right to be delusional.
Grace:
The atmosphere you created in the kitchen scene was vivid, and the small details, like the clinking of the knife against the cutting board and the tension of the kids’ bickering, immersed me in Melody’s world. Her frustration and sense of being overwhelmed came across clearly, especially with how you captured the chaotic family dynamics and her growing resentment towards Avi; I could practically feel her overstimulation. It feels authentic and relatable, and Melody’s phone call with her mom adds a layer of emotional complexity.
What inspired you to make Melody’s frustration with her family the catalyst for this story? Did you intend for the abduction scene to represent something symbolic, like her need to escape?
You might consider foreshadowing the supernatural or eerie turn a bit earlier, maybe subtle hints about the surroundings or something odd in the air. That way, when the light and abduction occur, it feels both surprising and oddly inevitable. Also, expanding a bit on Melody’s internal thoughts during her walk could strengthen the transition into the surreal, highlighting her sense of being trapped and perhaps making the abduction feel like an escape and a mystery.
Chloe:
The protagonist’s internal monologue is both entertaining and authentic, capturing that feeling of intense self-consciousness and dramatic overthinking that’s so common in unrequited crushes. The dual perspectives add a wonderful layer, showing the tension and misunderstandings between the characters in a way that feels natural. I thought the assumptions and confusion she experiences about his thoughts and feelings and his lack of reactions accurately portray how hard the guys can be at times.
Why does the protagonist feel she’ll be a “spinster forever” at such a young age? Is it part of her exaggerated, dramatic outlook, or is there a deeper reason behind her self-doubt, maybe family history? Additionally, what’s the significance of the “fish” gif and text? It was intriguing, but it felt like it hinted at some inside joke or quirky communication style between them.
I think you could lean even more into the protagonist’s voice by occasionally letting her inner dialogue become almost absurdly self-deprecating, emphasizing the humor of her despair. Also, maybe consider grounding the classroom setting a bit more initially—adding a few sensory details about the space could help immerse the readers in the scene before the protagonist’s thoughts start to spiral.
Hey Grace,
I was not expecting the story to go the way it did at all. When Melody went on a walk, I expected her to get kidnapped or something… not get abducted by aliens. I actually think that was a very smart move as it captures our attention even further. When the story starts, I like how we are instantly put into chaos. The writing style feels kind of chaotic in a way too where it is hard to keep track of what is going on as it keeps panning from person to person. The siblings fighting over the switch reminded me of how my brothers and I would fight over the wii remote or just the tv remote in general. It is very realistic. I am glad you made Rowan a picky eater because once you mentioned soup I was sure someone was going to say something. I think if you had incorporated her dreams and goals in between the chaos, it would have flowed better. It felt sudden and slightly random when she was thinking about it.
Hey Chloe,
Your story is about two college students that like each other but are afraid to make their feelings known. They are both insecure and feel as if they are not good for each other. They are playing minecraft with their friend group and are mostly having inner monologues. I liked how we got to know both of these characters and got a peek into their brains. It did frustrate me somewhat that I knew that they liked each other, but they didn’t. I like how detailed your story is and I especially like how you included Minecraft. While I was never an avid minecraft player, I did have a tiny, short phase where I played it with my friends on discord during COVID. It is definitely an experience playing it with many friends. I really liked the line when you are describing Jacob’s hands, “like a spider classically trained in ballet.” I am curious why she thinks she will forever remain a spinster. I’d like to know more about her past relationships, if she’s ever had them. I think including that would help express why she will be a spinster.
I really loved Chloe’s story. It was incredibly funny and also incredibly real. When the POV switched to guy, I was so excited, most short stories don’t take the opportunity to see both POVs, and I was really happy that we would get to see what they were BOTH thinking (I kind of wish all stories would do this). The incorporation of the friend group dynamic was so fun, and totally realistic. Having a dumb word or phrase spread through the group dialect like wildfire happens way too much in real life. I really enjoyed the way both characters were essentially thinking the same thing: doubting themselves, feeling insecure, resigned to the fact that they weren’t good enough for the other. The inner dialogue is just dramatic enough for someone with a crush. I liked how you zeroed in on specific fantasies and wishes, things that definitely run through your mind when you’re with a crush. The way they talked about each other was SO adorable, and I found myself smiling while reading it. My only suggestion would be to perhaps name some of the friends in the group! That way we get a real feel for the environment and people. I really really liked this story and how cute it was.
Grace:
“Taken” is about Melody who is a mom to 3 kids who is struggling with the pressure of being a mom and does not have any help from her husband. I really loved this story! I was able to feel the helplessness and craziness Melody was experiencing from her kids, where she just had so much to focus on. This is a great representation of what some mothers go through today, having to give up their dreams for a family. I really felt like I was living the chaos of Melody’s life and I really felt for her. I would love to see more of Melody and her husbands dynamic. I think it would be great. The ending definitely took me off guard and added another element to the story. But I really liked this story!
Chloe:
“Spinsterhood” Is about a group of friends who go into a classroom to play minecraft and this girl has a crush on a guy in the friend group, who thinks he doesn’t like her but he does. I think this was a great novel start and can see how it can continue into a novel. The different perspectives were a great addition and I loved being able to know what the guy was thinking in the story. One suggestion I have is a bit more dialogue, I would have loved to see them interact. But overall I really enjoyed this and can’t wait to see where you take the story!
Grace:
Grace this was a really good meditation on the modern day expectations society has for mothers, but taken to an extreme. I really liked the topic you chose; it’s so important to talk about issues facing parents, especially mothers. I really feel like being taken for granted is an issue many mothers can relate to and it was presented so well! I also loved the chaotic ambience that you built in this story, I could really feel the main character’s tension as we moved through the piece. Sentences like this one from the bottom of page four showcase this so well, “Her mother stayed silent. ‘They run circles around me. It’s like they don’t even really see me. And Avi doesn’t help.’” I like the fact that she calls her mother for support and that you tell us about the relationship the two of them have. I worried about her mother, who she is so close to, when she got abducted by the aliens. The relationship between them was very sympathetic. I do have a question though, when the youngest son calls his mother an expletive, why doesn’t she respond? Is this to highlight her feelings? Is it done intentionally to show the reader how she has lost all the agency in her life, which ultimately reaches its climax at her abduction by aliens? I dont think Ive ever met a mother who would simply leave after being cussed out by her child. She doesn’t punish him? Put him to bed with no dinner? Yell at the whole table? Also she doesn’t say a word to her husband who just let their child talk to her that way and didn’t back her up at all? The fact that she doesn’t say a word was hard to understand for me as I feel that human instinct is to defend ourselves, and when it’s your own child insulting you I feel it’s far more likely that you would be infuriated. Her not responding really highlights the fact that she seems to have no agency, turning the alien abduction into an interesting metaphor. I really want to know what happens next in her story, especially how she feels being pulled up into the spaceship. On the whole this was an unexpected ending, and I thought it was fun! It definitely changes the entire story!
Grace,
This is a story about a mother of three who is growing frustrated with her life because she feels unappreciated by her husband and children. She feels like a single mother, and even when she asks for help she never receives it. I like the way that you sprinkle small frustrations and let them build until she finally snaps, and I think you did a great job showing the chaos of her life. As someone who grew up in a house with five kids, this feels really familiar to me, especially the fighting over the Switch and asking their mom to agree to do something at a totally inconvenient time. I’d really love to know more about Avi and Melody’s relationship with him. She tells her mom that things aren’t great between them right now—what else has he been doing to get on her nerves? I like the fantasy twist at the end as well.
Chloe,
I love how much personality is in this. Especially on page 4 para. 1, “Then we would obviously walk off into the sunset together,” it makes the character really likable. I also really like that this friend group gets together to play Minecraft. The way you swap between perspectives is really interesting and I think it improves the story a lot, because it adds tension for the reader to know that they both like each other but won’t say anything about it. I’d really like to know more about her insecurities and her idea that she’ll be single forever—maybe you could go into a little more detail here into what she has envisioned for herself based on this?
Grace,
I really enjoyed reading what I believe was a novel start. The story is about the emotional weight of a middle-aged mother, Melody, who has given up her dreams to raise her children alongside a neglectful husband. For me as the reader, I was able to feel the burden she carries, and the moment she seeks comfort by calling her mother is a sweet and tender touch. I think that the fast-paced, chaotic nature of Melody’s life is well portrayed, especially in moments like the scene on page 6 where her son dismisses the dinner she worked hard to prepare. This hurt is compounded by her husband Avi’s emotional absence, making it feel as though she’s parenting alone. Something else that I thought was interesting was that Melody once had aspirations to attend law school, a dream she abandoned at Avi’s almost request. I think adding onto that early would help set the stage for her current struggles. Something I might suggest would be adding more with Avi just to explore that relationship dynamic more. Overall though the reading was very engaging, and I enjoyed it
Chloe,
your story “Spinsterhood” is both funny and deeply relatable, exploring themes of insecurity, societal expectations, and unspoken crushes. I really enjoyed your dual point-of-view approach because I feel like that is a very rare thing especially in short stories, I think that it added a lot of depth. Both characters are endearingly awkward, doubting themselves while secretly pining for each other, which made their internal monologues more interesting f me as the reader. I also think that your ability to capture the insecurities and dramatic inner thoughts of having a crush felt spot on, and the specific fantasies and self-doubts were adorable and humorous. I also really enjoyed the dynamics of the friend group; I think it made the interactions between them feel lively and authentic. One suggestion for me especially would be to name some of the friends to help flesh out the group dynamic even more and give readers a stronger sense of the environment just to make things clearer.
Grace,
you’ve used crisp imagery through a wide variety of adjectives that flow well with your story, good job! One suggestion would be using paragraph indents at every new one, but your story flows nicely- very even. You’ve allocated time to each character too, which is difficult to do in a short story with many characters. You’ve held tension and I thought about how you mentioned the mother’s hair is in a bun, and since a hair fell out of it, I would assume it’s a loose bun; I thought you did a good job at alluding to the fact that the mother was in a lot of distress through this, about to come “undone” just like her bun. The ending came out of nowhere, too- I found myself giggling a little bit at the suddenness of it!
Chloe,
Your story pulled me in because who hasn’t been in Decary using the projectors to play Minecraft or Roblox? It’s such a real and grounding story that, at its core, is relatable; I love that this reads as an experience! The humor works as a great transition between the physical and the mental, too. The switch between the girl and the boy felt very personal, too, you’re very talented when it comes to writing romance! I enjoyed your last story, too.
Chloe,
This novel start is a really compelling and clever way to start a novel, because of the way you end the chapter and the way you carry out the conflict with ease. I for one really liked how real and relatable everything in the story was, from the way the characters are written, to the way the characters interact with each other over the game “Minecraft” (Reminds me of Middle School), to the way both characters think about their attraction towards each other. Jacob seriously reminds me of myself so much, from the way he speaks, to the degrading of himself, and even the description of his physique. “My hair
was not good either. My voice sounded funny, I was awkward, and most importantly I was not
the kind of person who got a girlfriend. Honestly- I was not even entirely sure if I wanted one. I
mean I did- I really did.” this line is literally me. You made me connect with Jacob in a few ways because of the person I am the person you made him. I think the switching of the perspectives and point of views was super clever, as it allowed us to get to know both of these characters even more. We aren’t just scratching the surface with this story, you are actually taking us deeper into it, which I appreciate. I think for me, I would just like to know why she is so quick to assume she is going to be a Spinster? Did something prior happen to her that made her think this? Just a little more clarification but I think your story is super clever and really good. I really enjoyed it.
Grace,
Holy hell, this is an intense story! It appears to be about a Mother who is completely disrespected and neglected by every member of her family. Then as she is going for a walk to cool off, she appears to be abducted by a UFO craft. My jaw hit the floor numerous times while reading this piece, as I was not expecting many of the things I read. You made every character, minus Melody, so easy to hate. From Roman dropping that outrageous line “I’ll stop being a brat when you stop being a bitch!” to him just glaring at his mother and shit talking her food. When she says “I spent all night making this soup,”, it easily made Melody even more rootable. I absolutely despise when people don’t respect their mothers, and seeing this kid call her a bitch over a bowl of soup made me want to start yelling at my screen. You put in a lot of traits for these people that makes them awful people, maybe except Avery. I feel like more could be done with her. I saw her take advantage of her mother saying “yes”, but after that, she wasn’t that shown in the rest of the story. Maybe expand a bit on Avery a bit, especially when you mention that Melody was pregnant with her in Law School. Speaking of which, that paragraph on page 7 where Melody opens up about her life was painful, because it reminded me of many people back in Newton who had to give up so much because of scenarios like this. It made Melody seem more human. A suggestion I have is although I don’t like Avi, just like with Avery, I feel like you could do more with him. Maybe when Melody and Rowan are going at it, Avi takes Rowan’s side? I really liked this novel and I am excited to see how Melody continues, or if the story is told from her family’s perspective from here on out.
Journal #21
Chloe
I thought this story was really sweet, and well told. It was silly and yet very engaging. I thought splitting the point of view was a really useful tool. I think you wrote the split point of view really well, because your characters are very distinct in their personalities. Yet, although they are distinct individuals, are very similar in the almost painfully indirect way they go about love. I think this story is good because I think so often this is pretty much exactly how love goes. I think you capture the first few moments of excitement you feel when you realize the person you like might just like you too. The near disbelief as over and over again all signs begin to point to that fact. The lens you use here is also quite good. You choose such a small snippet of time. Just a brief little glimpse into these lives. I would not have liked this story as much if we’d seen a conclusion. But I think we know what’s coming, and I love how exciting that is. I am really rooting for these two. All in all I really enjoyed this story and thought it was a splendid little read.
Grace
I liked this. I think you captured a big family pretty darn well. I remember those nights growing up, when my poor Mom had had enough of our shit and simply stormed out of the house. This chapter is hectic, which I think is perfect. You are describing a very hectic moment in a womens hectic life, so it fits perfectly that this chapter is a blur of motion and emotion. I think this is a good novel start because you bring us into the story with some powerful dialogue and a woman I think we all feel a little sympathetic towards. Then, we get to the end of the chapter, and our entire idea about what this story is going to be shifted, and I want to know what’s next. I am really curious where this story goes next. Good aliens? Bad aliens? Not aliens at all? Why her? I guess I’ll just have to wait for the novel to be published.