Coco, this is another great piece and I enjoyed every second of it. “Instantly” is a story about a main character Erik who is reliving his life with Darren in a previous time. Erik is reminiscing on these memories, while listening to the voice messages he had left him. At the beginning of the story it seems that someone was in a car accident after drinking one night at a party. Darren and Erik were brothers, and a call from a doctor notified Erik that Darren had died instantly. One point in your story I really enjoyed was on page 6 paragraph 2 when you write, “I couldn’t bring myself to shower or brush my teeth; I distinctively remember my blanket wrapping around me like dirt over a corpse”. This line is extremely powerful, as your use of metaphors are apparent throughout. As I am interpreting this story as a simple “layout” for your final version, there are definitely places where I would expand more, especially where you are introducing the story at the beginning. I was confused with where the story was starting, because you had mentioned so many different conversations at once. I would work on an introduction that is a pathway to the rest of your story. I would suggest starting the story with the line, “Your brother died instantly”. If you do this, readers will be more inclined to want to read the rest of the story, as they are questioning what happened to the brother.
Caitlin
Hi Caitlin, this is an emotional story about a young girl whose father disappeared, leaving her mother to take care of her and her sister. As she has grown older, she has noticed that something has changed, and her mom doesn’t ask about her personal life anymore, leaving the narrator wondering why. The topic of the story is the issue of there being no air conditioning in the house, as they cannot afford a new one. Even when Natalie tells her mom she can offer money, her mother says nothing back to her. One suggestion I have for you is to look for run on sentences throughout your story. There are certain spots where you can break them up, to make them run a bit more smoothly together. One spot in particular is on page 1 para. 2 when you say, “I know that she got paid a few days ago but I’d be surprised if she still had enough in her account to replace the unit, since it’s the beginning of the month, and Hailey needed new sneakers, and I needed some new clothes since my shorts from last year don’t fit me anymore”. I find this a bit long, and you could rather say, “I know that she got paid a few days ago but I’d be surprised if she still had enough in her account to replace the unit. It’s the beginning of the month and Hailey needed new sneakers, while I needed some new clothes since my shorts from last year don’t fit me anymore”. You do also switch between tenses quite a few times, which leaves me wondering if this is a story in the past or present tense.
Coco’s story was tragic and heart wrenching. It really grabbed hold of me and kept me throughout the whole story. The first thing I noticed was the use of “Nicole”. Erik didn’t call his mother “Mom”. When he’s talking about her, he refers to her by her name. The disdain and disappointment that drips off the way he describes her is incredible. The way he knows she’s probably still motel hopping. You can tell the way he describes her in his youth is still somewhat hopeful. He still cares for her, hopes she will get better, hopes she will change, but once he’s older, it’s clear he resigned himself to the fact that his mother will never change. The most impactful part of this story is Darren. His saying; “It only takes 20 seconds of courage”. It was so important to Erik, HE was so important to Erik, and throughout the story he felt like a symbol of hope for his brother. Of love, of someone who was there for him when his mother wasn’t. The fact that his death was a suicide made it all the more heart wrenching. The fact that this light in Erik’s life was feeling alone, and he had to turn to that. It was awful. My only suggestion would be to maybe reveal WHY he killed himself. I don’t think it’s necessary for the story per say, but I do know I’m curious, and it might add a layer to Darren’s character.
I really enjoyed the realness of Caitlyn’s story. The beginning really made you feel like you were lying in bed on a hot day after the AC broke. Everyone has dealt with that at some point, and the way Caitlyn describes how the character is feeling and doing is very accurate and relatable. Starting that way is a good way to reel a reader in, giving them something to relate to. The character’s stance on her mother is also very realistic. The fact that she recognizes what her mother has been through, while acknowledging that she is not a good judge on who is or isn’t a bad mother makes her, and her mother feel very human. No mother is perfect, and when you’re struggling to get by, it can be ever more difficult. My only suggestion would be to possibly add to the ending. It feels a bit abrupt, which even if it’s a novel start, you’re going to want to resolve a bit. Wrapping up the end of the story or the chapter a bit cleaner will really add to it. Awesome story!
Coco
This story is about the loss of a sibling. The sudden grief of losing someone fast and unexpected. The life of two siblings and how they interacted with each other. What is missing from the one that is still alive. Struggling with grief. I like how you bring in bittersweet memories of Darren before we learn how he died and we learn about the grief part of the main character’s life. I like how we learn about Darren and the life of the main character a lot before grief just seems to come out of the box and all you see is grief. And then it comes back down to acceptance almost in a way. I like this part of your story “The word “instant” changed from the many instant mashed potatoes Darren and I would eat, Nicole’s instant-made morning coffee, and the instant shove of an opponent, when I got a call two weeks ago.” (page 5). It captures how instant life is and how instant it isn’t. Is this a novel start or a short story? Where are you going with this?
Caitlin
This story is about the child of a single mother. Who has the day off from work and is hanging out in the heat. This story shows what it is like to have a single mother-daughter relationship. This story shows a family that has adapted to the father leaving suddenly. It barks at the traditional family view and shows how not every family has two parents. I liked the descriptions of the mom when she isn’t there, and it tells the reader why she isn’t there. There isn’t much of a relationship between the daughter and mom. You captured that very well. It gives a tension to the story. Like in the end, she had talked about her relationship with her mom before. “I ask her if we can get a new air conditioner soon and I even offer some money for it. She doesn’t say anything else. Neither do I.” (Last sentence). What is the plot? Liek what is the goal of the main character? Does she want to build a better relationship with her mom? What is she looking for?
“Instantly” is about Erik going through memories he had with his brother Darren. Darren had died on impact in a car accident, and Erik is reminiscing about his time with his brother. Coco I really enjoyed this story, you always have a really good way with words and it’s super enjoyable. I loved that you added the background of Darren and Erik’s life and how they went from motel to motels and couch surfing. It was great to read those details. I loved the quote “But it didn’t change the fact that when I got the phone call, I missed my brother- Instantly.” I think it really tied your story together and gave the reader the answer to why your story title is the way it is.
Overall I really enjoyed it, I would just work on the beginning of the story to make it easier for the reader to get introduced to the characters.
Caitlin:
“Matriarchy” is about a girl whose father disappeared leaving her just her mother to take care of her and her sister. As time goes on she realizes that her mom has started to change and stopped taking them to the zoo, and going to their swim meets or basketball games and started dating uninteresting men. I really enjoyed this story, I think you had some great detail about their past leading up to now and it was very entertaining to read. The one suggestion I have was I wanted a little bit more of the relationship between the main character and her sister.
Coco
I greatly enjoyed reading this, the sense of voice with Erik is so strong despite us not hearing them speak all that much. There is always something deeper I feel in your writing and watching it flow is really great. I particularly liked the line on page two, ““…shitty premade breakfast food and uncomfortable bed sheets were Darren and I’s silk road. But the pool was our own luxury- it was our spice and our ivory”. It’s lines and metaphors like these that make your writing feel so real, making broader connections to the world. I think my main suggestion here would be expanding in a few different places, possibly more about their childhood and relationship to parents where they talk about being clingy, how did they get into the motel-hopping situation? Another could be why Darren decided to kill himself, was there a note? Another voicemail? Any indicators? Otherwise this was a heartbreaking story, and I loved hearing how this character grappled with their grief.
Caitlin
If I had one word to describe this novel’s start/main character it would be nonchalance. The main character just seems to be existing in this world and working crazy hours but acting like it’s no big deal. I kind of like it in a way, it does downplay some potential tension but as a novel starts this sets a good tone for now. I really like the sensory details you include, they make me feel like I am in this narrator’s brain. My main suggestion would be adding to the ending just because I am a little bit confused. I know this is a novel start, but how does this ending make your readers want to read more? I really like what you have set up, but I have no idea where it is going as of yet. This has a lot of potential.
Coco:
This was a moving picture of grief. Literally moving- as you carried us through this story on a bus ride. I really liked how you showed us the relationship between Erik and Nicole by only referring to Nicole by her first name. That was so smart. I also particularly liked the way the word Instantly is woven through the story- it was very impactful. I also really like the message of this piece. You acknowledge a person’s struggle with depression while giving us a strong message to keep going for those around us, which I thought was particularly moving. I particularly liked this line on the bottom of page eight “However, my anguish for him has given me reason enough to keep going; when you live in a bell all you know are the ringings of chaos, when you live in a tunnel all you know is the continuous trudge.” You use such a powerful metaphor here, it was great to read, it really painted a picture for me. My one question was actually about something I like. Erik does not spend a lot of time feeling guilty, which can frequently be seen in people who have lost family members the way he has; This made me curious about why you made that choice for his character and what you were trying to say when you made that decision.
Caitlin:
This was such a fun, snarky, little slice of life from a girl’s point of view.The main character’s voice was so distinct and unique, I found her really fun to read. For example this line from the bottom of page two, “Plus, I don’t want to swim in the public pool where all of the moms sit in their plastic chairs and tan while their kids pee to their hearts’ content in every square inch of the water. I know what they do in there. I’ve been that kid.”Or this line from the middle of page four, “Joe, who’s always standing outside of the store and asking for a cigarette, even if you’re clearly seventeen—what seventeen-year-old actually smokes cigarettes anymore?—says something nasty to me. I don’t care what it is.” Her tone was so fun to read, I was sad when it was over, I really wanted to see where it was going. You also conveyed emotion so well in this piece. The disgusting sweaty feelings from the beginning particularly got me. My one question is what kind of book is this going to be? I see a few different directions it could go in- I’m really interested to see where this story is going!
Hey Coco,
Your story is about a young man that lost his brother to suicide. It is a reflection of how his older brother had given him courage throughout life and he fears losing it now. He’s reflecting on the word “instantly” and how fast things have happened. I really like the imagery and metaphors that you use. “Darren and I were once merchants jumping from room to room; a collection of experiences I’m now able to pull out of a bag to show people like jewels- jewels that are only valuable during ice breakers, at least. I wouldn’t call the memory of Darren throwing up blueberries after eating two huge containers of them, which stained a motel carpet a royal blue, a valuable jewel.” I really liked the older brother Darren and how strong he was for Erik. His character reminds me of my own brothers, and I like how real their relationship is. I really want to know more about Nicole- their mom and why she is not in their life anymore. How is it that even at the loss of a family member, he will refuse to reach out? Did the brothers bond over the loss of their relationship with their mom? I also want to know why Darren decided to drop out- unless it is signifying the beginning of his depression. This was a really good representation of grief and how someone can keep moving forward for the sake of their loved one/s.
Hey Caitlin,
This is a story about Natalie, a seventeen year old girl who has no relationship with her mother. They live at home together but the mom typically ignores the needs of her daughters. The daughter acknowledges that her mom is bitter because her ex-husband had abandoned them and never looked back. She’s had many failed relationships which is now affecting the relationships she has with her kids. I think this is a realistic reflection of a daily life of a neglected daughter. She is independent and is working outrageous hours to save up for a car. I am curious as to how much older or younger the sister is. How did she get to the pool with friends? Did she get picked up? I think you can show their living situation if they only have a single car they have to share, or the one car their mom takes to work. I thought this piece in the story was very significant and deep.
“If I held a gun to her head and asked her to name three people I’ve been friends with since the eighth grade, I would be an orphan. My mom is not my friend.”
I think when Natalie goes to pick up her sunglasses, she can see the relationship her friend has with her mom. Overall, I really liked how you walked us every step of the story.
Your story is a masterclass in raw emotion and layered complexity. The shifting timeline, voice messages, and reflections build a vivid portrait of Erik’s relationship with Darren and the lingering impact of loss. The way you tied the word “instant” to different points in their lives—mashed potatoes, split-second decisions, and irreversible tragedy—creates a powerful and cohesive theme. I also appreciated how you explored the duality of memory, blending love and resentment with the nostalgia of motel pools and sibling dynamics. Your descriptions, especially “blanket wrapping around me like dirt over a corpse” and “living in a bell,” are hauntingly vivid.
Questions I have:
Nicoles Role: what led Nicole to love such an unstable life? Understanding her motivations might add more depth to the family’s story.
Erik’s Guilt: Does Erik blame himself for not answering the phone or for any particular event before Darren’s death? Exploring this could amplify the emotional weight.
Cherrie’s Perspective: How does Cherrie cope with Erik’s grief? It might be interesting to briefly show their relationship dynamic under this strain.
Consider adding a flashback or an anecdote that hints at Darren’s internal struggles leading up to his decision. This could help the reader connect more deeply with his character and understand the “betrayal” Erik feels.
Caitlin:
This beginning to a novel has such a vivid, immersive quality that immediately pulled me into the protagonist’s world. Your descriptions of the heat are incredibly visceral. I could feel the oppressive stickiness, the discomfort of sweat, and the desperate relief from the cold shower. Natalie’s voice feels raw and real. Her internal monologue and observations (like about public schools and her mom’s boyfriends) give her a relatable depth, and I appreciate her wry humor. The way you capture the nuances of Natalie’s relationship with her mom and Hailey is so well done. There’s an underlying tension and love that feels true to life.
Questions I have:
Is this set in a particular region or city? There’s a universal feel to the heatwave and family struggle, but adding a few geographical or cultural markers could further ground the story.
I’m curious about how the title connects to the narrative. Are there larger themes of female leadership or familial roles that will unfold? Or are you referring to the matriarchy of her family/mom?
Caitlin
Love the opening. I was at my favorite spa in Portland (yes I’m a spa guy, I’m essentially 75) and spent as long as I could in the sauna. You describe the feeling of sweating like hell quite well in my opinion. I think you set a really interesting tone in this story opener when you say that Natalie’s Mom is not her friend. I think this did a really good job of establishing their relationship. They are like partners, perhaps? Mom works and provides what she can, but she can only do so much. When Natalie wants something more than her Mother is willing to give, she’s on her own. You did a really good job of describing that person I think many of us knew in highschool. Who just works and works and works. There’s such a flavor of boredom in this story. She has friends, but doesn’t really want to see them. Her sister is at the pool but she doesn’t really want to go. She has worked 72 hours this week, at dunkin no less, but come her day off she does nothing. There’s something going on with the man outside the store, but I don’t know what. I really hope there’s an adventure in store for Natalie. Overall, a really fun opening, I’d love to keep reading.
Coco
I found this story deeply moving. You chose to write about something, that to me, might truly be the hardest thing in the world to write about. This story scared me a little. It scared me because I felt it. I felt some shadow, some vague whisper of what it could feel like to lose my brother. My other half. The person who knows me best in the world. How did you capture that? How did you tie down heartbreak like that? A piece of it is anger. She feels so angry at her brother for choosing to do what he did. Perhaps, she even hates him in a way. Resents him for being weaker than she is. That is real. As real as it gets. Of Course she hates him for leaving her. Could you really say she truly loved him if she wasn’t angry that he left. Rattled me to my bones with this one. Good work Coco.
Coco,
This is so emotional and beautiful. It’s very raw and I really love the way that you use the word “instantly” to guide us through Erik’s relationship with Darren, and also through Erik’s processing of Darren’s death. The way that you describe grief, especially the grieving of somebody who is essentially an extension of yourself, is moving. The line on page 6, “I’ve come to know how a piano feels watching as its sheet music is thrown away,” is really powerful, and truly highlights the type of relationship that Erik and Darren had before Darren’s suicide. I also really like the detail of Erik referring to his mother by her first name, I think it effectively separates him from the respect that a son typically has for his mother and shows us that something clearly happened between them—I’m curious to know what that thing was. If you’re open to exploring, I think it could be interesting to see Erik’s feelings other than devastation here—anger comes later in the grieving process, sure, but in the situation of somebody choosing to end their life, it is really easy to feel angry with them or to feel like they made a “selfish” decision, even though we know this to be untrue.
Cait,
Oh my gosh I enjoyed your story so much! It flowed evenly, almost like a diary entry, and I love our main character here. Your witty way of giving background to your characters kept me on the edge of my seat- and I love the physical position of our main character. I feel that this is a grounding story, and your sentence structure and humor really kept me wanting more. I feel for this character, I see her in my mind, and I love that she is comfortably lonely throughout the story- it feels like a peak into a fleeting day. You also set up the relationships very realistically throughout this piece, good job!
Coco,
This story was incredibly moving, you tackled what might be one of the hardest things in the world to write about, and it scared me a little—because I felt it. I think you did a great job at depicting grief and carrying us through as the reader what grief looks like. One thing I really liked was the relationship between Erik and Nicole. As a whole I really enjoyed how you depicted depression and struggle that someone may go through after an event like this but also the flip side that you do have to keep going forward for those in your life. The only question that I have is why Erik doesn’t spend much time feeling guilty, as a whole though I really enjoyed this story a lot and it was a great read.
Caitlyn,
This story captures the life of Natalie, a seventeen-year-old girl navigating a strained and almost nonexistent relationship with her mother. They share a home, but her mom largely ignores her daughters’ needs, weighed down by bitterness from her ex-husband’s abandonment and a string of failed relationships. It’s a realistic portrayal of the daily life of a neglected daughter. Natalie’s independence shines as she works grueling hours to save up for a car, highlighting her determination to fend for herself. I really enjoyed the line about the mother not being able to name three friends. I think it set an intriguing tone early by establishing that their relationship is more like a partnership than anything else. Her mom provides what she can, but when Natalie wants more, she’s on her own. Overall, this is a strong and engaging opening, and I’d be excited to see where you go with it.
Coco, this is a story about someone dealing with their brother’s death and finding moments of light in their life (through people and experiences). I like how flowery your language is, and I think it fits the story very well. I also like that you ground the reader in moments of description, using less flowery language, such as: “We’d surf antique shows on the TV if the motel had one, shitty premade breakfast food and uncomfortable bed sheets…” (bottom of page two). The antique show detail is spot on and resurfaced memories of staying at Motel 6 on vacations. One suggestion I have is to be slightly (very slightly) less symbolic/flowery in some areas. Although it’s beautiful, I found moments confusing, and it threw me out of the story. Even just adding some more basic descriptions within some of those sections would make a big difference. Overall, I really like this story and the emotions it captures.
Caitlin, this is a novel start about a young girl (maybe high school age) who is grappling with a tough home life and her relationship with her mom. I like how realistic you made the highs and lows of this story — there is no insane climax or conclusion, but the story still has conflict that draws in the reader. You also did a good job transitioning between action scenes and inner dialogue. One question I have is, where does this story take place geographically? Overall, I really enjoyed reading this; it’s realistic and makes your point without the addition of unnecessary/’extreme’ scenes.
This is such a powerfully written story, that deals with incredibly heavy subject matters and themes. It appears to be about how a young individual deals with the grief and anguish of losing a loved one to complications with suicide, and you write the main character’s reaction beautifully. Their reaction to the entire tragedy is incredibly realistic, especially when on the last page, they utter the line “I won’t be selfish like Darren and take myself from Cherrie.” That is such a powerful line that has a lot of depth to its meaning. It can be interpreted in so many ways because grieving people usually think the deceased individual is leaving them behind, and it is such a catastrophic feeling. You capture the idea of grief so well and portray it very realistically. My suggestions would be to allow yourself to explore the main character’s feelings a bit more. Is it resentment they feel? Do they have anyone other than Cherrie they can talk to? How important is Cherrie in their life? Also, the opening sequence right before the title is introduced kind of confused me a little bit. I was hoping you could maybe explain the significance of it a bit more. Other than that, a fantastic story that hits a lot of chords and you wrote it so well.
Caitlin,
I really loved the direction and storytelling techniques you did and took with this story. Using a more casual scenario and regular every day characters makes your story more grounded and makes it more relatable as well. Natalie is definitely portrayed very accurately, as someone who held a part time job at 17 in the scorching heat as well. I love how descriptive Natalie is with things she sees and interacts with, like when she is talking about that yucky feeling of sweat sticking to her and when she mentions the crumpled up bills with the exact amount there, and finally, the exact items she purchases. I liked how you talked more about what she bought, instead of just saying soda and chips. Saying the brands and flavor of soda she bought made it seem more natural. I really liked the line around page 2 or 3 where Natalie said something like “If my baby daddy left in the middle of the night, I would be bitter to,”, as it makes Natalie come off as more understanding of her mother’s feelings, and makes her re evaluate everything. My only thing would be that I just wish we had more on the relationship between the sister and Natalie, and I feel like there is a lot more that could be done with the character of the mother. Overall, I loved the story and can’t wait to see more.
1: The story is about a day in the life of a girl who lives in a family with little money. As a result, she needs to endure the heat, hunger, and other aspects that come with being poor. In this novel start, we get insight into some of the desires of the main character, specifically a new car and and air conditioner. We also get insight into how her family operates, as well as how her mother and sister are as people.
2: I like how they story covers a difficult situation by telling the story from the perspective of a main character, through whose thoughts we get insight into the perspectives and motives of other characters. I also like how her life stands out in contrast to that of her friend, who is very well off.
3: Question: Will the story go on to describe how she gets her car and AC, or does the beginning set her up for going through another struggle?
4: Suggestion: It would be interesting if all of the characters introduced so far, including her friend and Joe, play pivotal roles in the story later on.
“Instantly”
1: The story is about a guy who is thinking about his brother’s death. He is in a bus ride, re-listening to a voicemail his brother leaves, and remembering the childhood they shared together. The central theme of the story is courage, which the main character will need to embody to continue on.
2: I like how the thoughts of the main character give us as readers enough detail that we know about him and his brothers life, and appreciate their situation, but not so much detail that we get bogged down in it.
3: Question: Why was Nicole disliked by her children? What job(s) has she held in the past that contributed to their unstable housing situation?
4: Suggestion: How is the beginning relevant to the overall storyline? Perhaps make that more obvious to the reader.
15 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 22”
Coco
Coco, this is another great piece and I enjoyed every second of it. “Instantly” is a story about a main character Erik who is reliving his life with Darren in a previous time. Erik is reminiscing on these memories, while listening to the voice messages he had left him. At the beginning of the story it seems that someone was in a car accident after drinking one night at a party. Darren and Erik were brothers, and a call from a doctor notified Erik that Darren had died instantly. One point in your story I really enjoyed was on page 6 paragraph 2 when you write, “I couldn’t bring myself to shower or brush my teeth; I distinctively remember my blanket wrapping around me like dirt over a corpse”. This line is extremely powerful, as your use of metaphors are apparent throughout. As I am interpreting this story as a simple “layout” for your final version, there are definitely places where I would expand more, especially where you are introducing the story at the beginning. I was confused with where the story was starting, because you had mentioned so many different conversations at once. I would work on an introduction that is a pathway to the rest of your story. I would suggest starting the story with the line, “Your brother died instantly”. If you do this, readers will be more inclined to want to read the rest of the story, as they are questioning what happened to the brother.
Caitlin
Hi Caitlin, this is an emotional story about a young girl whose father disappeared, leaving her mother to take care of her and her sister. As she has grown older, she has noticed that something has changed, and her mom doesn’t ask about her personal life anymore, leaving the narrator wondering why. The topic of the story is the issue of there being no air conditioning in the house, as they cannot afford a new one. Even when Natalie tells her mom she can offer money, her mother says nothing back to her. One suggestion I have for you is to look for run on sentences throughout your story. There are certain spots where you can break them up, to make them run a bit more smoothly together. One spot in particular is on page 1 para. 2 when you say, “I know that she got paid a few days ago but I’d be surprised if she still had enough in her account to replace the unit, since it’s the beginning of the month, and Hailey needed new sneakers, and I needed some new clothes since my shorts from last year don’t fit me anymore”. I find this a bit long, and you could rather say, “I know that she got paid a few days ago but I’d be surprised if she still had enough in her account to replace the unit. It’s the beginning of the month and Hailey needed new sneakers, while I needed some new clothes since my shorts from last year don’t fit me anymore”. You do also switch between tenses quite a few times, which leaves me wondering if this is a story in the past or present tense.
Coco’s story was tragic and heart wrenching. It really grabbed hold of me and kept me throughout the whole story. The first thing I noticed was the use of “Nicole”. Erik didn’t call his mother “Mom”. When he’s talking about her, he refers to her by her name. The disdain and disappointment that drips off the way he describes her is incredible. The way he knows she’s probably still motel hopping. You can tell the way he describes her in his youth is still somewhat hopeful. He still cares for her, hopes she will get better, hopes she will change, but once he’s older, it’s clear he resigned himself to the fact that his mother will never change. The most impactful part of this story is Darren. His saying; “It only takes 20 seconds of courage”. It was so important to Erik, HE was so important to Erik, and throughout the story he felt like a symbol of hope for his brother. Of love, of someone who was there for him when his mother wasn’t. The fact that his death was a suicide made it all the more heart wrenching. The fact that this light in Erik’s life was feeling alone, and he had to turn to that. It was awful. My only suggestion would be to maybe reveal WHY he killed himself. I don’t think it’s necessary for the story per say, but I do know I’m curious, and it might add a layer to Darren’s character.
I really enjoyed the realness of Caitlyn’s story. The beginning really made you feel like you were lying in bed on a hot day after the AC broke. Everyone has dealt with that at some point, and the way Caitlyn describes how the character is feeling and doing is very accurate and relatable. Starting that way is a good way to reel a reader in, giving them something to relate to. The character’s stance on her mother is also very realistic. The fact that she recognizes what her mother has been through, while acknowledging that she is not a good judge on who is or isn’t a bad mother makes her, and her mother feel very human. No mother is perfect, and when you’re struggling to get by, it can be ever more difficult. My only suggestion would be to possibly add to the ending. It feels a bit abrupt, which even if it’s a novel start, you’re going to want to resolve a bit. Wrapping up the end of the story or the chapter a bit cleaner will really add to it. Awesome story!
Coco
This story is about the loss of a sibling. The sudden grief of losing someone fast and unexpected. The life of two siblings and how they interacted with each other. What is missing from the one that is still alive. Struggling with grief. I like how you bring in bittersweet memories of Darren before we learn how he died and we learn about the grief part of the main character’s life. I like how we learn about Darren and the life of the main character a lot before grief just seems to come out of the box and all you see is grief. And then it comes back down to acceptance almost in a way. I like this part of your story “The word “instant” changed from the many instant mashed potatoes Darren and I would eat, Nicole’s instant-made morning coffee, and the instant shove of an opponent, when I got a call two weeks ago.” (page 5). It captures how instant life is and how instant it isn’t. Is this a novel start or a short story? Where are you going with this?
Caitlin
This story is about the child of a single mother. Who has the day off from work and is hanging out in the heat. This story shows what it is like to have a single mother-daughter relationship. This story shows a family that has adapted to the father leaving suddenly. It barks at the traditional family view and shows how not every family has two parents. I liked the descriptions of the mom when she isn’t there, and it tells the reader why she isn’t there. There isn’t much of a relationship between the daughter and mom. You captured that very well. It gives a tension to the story. Like in the end, she had talked about her relationship with her mom before. “I ask her if we can get a new air conditioner soon and I even offer some money for it. She doesn’t say anything else. Neither do I.” (Last sentence). What is the plot? Liek what is the goal of the main character? Does she want to build a better relationship with her mom? What is she looking for?
Coco:
“Instantly” is about Erik going through memories he had with his brother Darren. Darren had died on impact in a car accident, and Erik is reminiscing about his time with his brother. Coco I really enjoyed this story, you always have a really good way with words and it’s super enjoyable. I loved that you added the background of Darren and Erik’s life and how they went from motel to motels and couch surfing. It was great to read those details. I loved the quote “But it didn’t change the fact that when I got the phone call, I missed my brother- Instantly.” I think it really tied your story together and gave the reader the answer to why your story title is the way it is.
Overall I really enjoyed it, I would just work on the beginning of the story to make it easier for the reader to get introduced to the characters.
Caitlin:
“Matriarchy” is about a girl whose father disappeared leaving her just her mother to take care of her and her sister. As time goes on she realizes that her mom has started to change and stopped taking them to the zoo, and going to their swim meets or basketball games and started dating uninteresting men. I really enjoyed this story, I think you had some great detail about their past leading up to now and it was very entertaining to read. The one suggestion I have was I wanted a little bit more of the relationship between the main character and her sister.
Coco
I greatly enjoyed reading this, the sense of voice with Erik is so strong despite us not hearing them speak all that much. There is always something deeper I feel in your writing and watching it flow is really great. I particularly liked the line on page two, ““…shitty premade breakfast food and uncomfortable bed sheets were Darren and I’s silk road. But the pool was our own luxury- it was our spice and our ivory”. It’s lines and metaphors like these that make your writing feel so real, making broader connections to the world. I think my main suggestion here would be expanding in a few different places, possibly more about their childhood and relationship to parents where they talk about being clingy, how did they get into the motel-hopping situation? Another could be why Darren decided to kill himself, was there a note? Another voicemail? Any indicators? Otherwise this was a heartbreaking story, and I loved hearing how this character grappled with their grief.
Caitlin
If I had one word to describe this novel’s start/main character it would be nonchalance. The main character just seems to be existing in this world and working crazy hours but acting like it’s no big deal. I kind of like it in a way, it does downplay some potential tension but as a novel starts this sets a good tone for now. I really like the sensory details you include, they make me feel like I am in this narrator’s brain. My main suggestion would be adding to the ending just because I am a little bit confused. I know this is a novel start, but how does this ending make your readers want to read more? I really like what you have set up, but I have no idea where it is going as of yet. This has a lot of potential.
Coco:
This was a moving picture of grief. Literally moving- as you carried us through this story on a bus ride. I really liked how you showed us the relationship between Erik and Nicole by only referring to Nicole by her first name. That was so smart. I also particularly liked the way the word Instantly is woven through the story- it was very impactful. I also really like the message of this piece. You acknowledge a person’s struggle with depression while giving us a strong message to keep going for those around us, which I thought was particularly moving. I particularly liked this line on the bottom of page eight “However, my anguish for him has given me reason enough to keep going; when you live in a bell all you know are the ringings of chaos, when you live in a tunnel all you know is the continuous trudge.” You use such a powerful metaphor here, it was great to read, it really painted a picture for me. My one question was actually about something I like. Erik does not spend a lot of time feeling guilty, which can frequently be seen in people who have lost family members the way he has; This made me curious about why you made that choice for his character and what you were trying to say when you made that decision.
Caitlin:
This was such a fun, snarky, little slice of life from a girl’s point of view.The main character’s voice was so distinct and unique, I found her really fun to read. For example this line from the bottom of page two, “Plus, I don’t want to swim in the public pool where all of the moms sit in their plastic chairs and tan while their kids pee to their hearts’ content in every square inch of the water. I know what they do in there. I’ve been that kid.”Or this line from the middle of page four, “Joe, who’s always standing outside of the store and asking for a cigarette, even if you’re clearly seventeen—what seventeen-year-old actually smokes cigarettes anymore?—says something nasty to me. I don’t care what it is.” Her tone was so fun to read, I was sad when it was over, I really wanted to see where it was going. You also conveyed emotion so well in this piece. The disgusting sweaty feelings from the beginning particularly got me. My one question is what kind of book is this going to be? I see a few different directions it could go in- I’m really interested to see where this story is going!
Hey Coco,
Your story is about a young man that lost his brother to suicide. It is a reflection of how his older brother had given him courage throughout life and he fears losing it now. He’s reflecting on the word “instantly” and how fast things have happened. I really like the imagery and metaphors that you use. “Darren and I were once merchants jumping from room to room; a collection of experiences I’m now able to pull out of a bag to show people like jewels- jewels that are only valuable during ice breakers, at least. I wouldn’t call the memory of Darren throwing up blueberries after eating two huge containers of them, which stained a motel carpet a royal blue, a valuable jewel.” I really liked the older brother Darren and how strong he was for Erik. His character reminds me of my own brothers, and I like how real their relationship is. I really want to know more about Nicole- their mom and why she is not in their life anymore. How is it that even at the loss of a family member, he will refuse to reach out? Did the brothers bond over the loss of their relationship with their mom? I also want to know why Darren decided to drop out- unless it is signifying the beginning of his depression. This was a really good representation of grief and how someone can keep moving forward for the sake of their loved one/s.
Hey Caitlin,
This is a story about Natalie, a seventeen year old girl who has no relationship with her mother. They live at home together but the mom typically ignores the needs of her daughters. The daughter acknowledges that her mom is bitter because her ex-husband had abandoned them and never looked back. She’s had many failed relationships which is now affecting the relationships she has with her kids. I think this is a realistic reflection of a daily life of a neglected daughter. She is independent and is working outrageous hours to save up for a car. I am curious as to how much older or younger the sister is. How did she get to the pool with friends? Did she get picked up? I think you can show their living situation if they only have a single car they have to share, or the one car their mom takes to work. I thought this piece in the story was very significant and deep.
“If I held a gun to her head and asked her to name three people I’ve been friends with since the eighth grade, I would be an orphan. My mom is not my friend.”
I think when Natalie goes to pick up her sunglasses, she can see the relationship her friend has with her mom. Overall, I really liked how you walked us every step of the story.
Coco:
Your story is a masterclass in raw emotion and layered complexity. The shifting timeline, voice messages, and reflections build a vivid portrait of Erik’s relationship with Darren and the lingering impact of loss. The way you tied the word “instant” to different points in their lives—mashed potatoes, split-second decisions, and irreversible tragedy—creates a powerful and cohesive theme. I also appreciated how you explored the duality of memory, blending love and resentment with the nostalgia of motel pools and sibling dynamics. Your descriptions, especially “blanket wrapping around me like dirt over a corpse” and “living in a bell,” are hauntingly vivid.
Questions I have:
Nicoles Role: what led Nicole to love such an unstable life? Understanding her motivations might add more depth to the family’s story.
Erik’s Guilt: Does Erik blame himself for not answering the phone or for any particular event before Darren’s death? Exploring this could amplify the emotional weight.
Cherrie’s Perspective: How does Cherrie cope with Erik’s grief? It might be interesting to briefly show their relationship dynamic under this strain.
Consider adding a flashback or an anecdote that hints at Darren’s internal struggles leading up to his decision. This could help the reader connect more deeply with his character and understand the “betrayal” Erik feels.
Caitlin:
This beginning to a novel has such a vivid, immersive quality that immediately pulled me into the protagonist’s world. Your descriptions of the heat are incredibly visceral. I could feel the oppressive stickiness, the discomfort of sweat, and the desperate relief from the cold shower. Natalie’s voice feels raw and real. Her internal monologue and observations (like about public schools and her mom’s boyfriends) give her a relatable depth, and I appreciate her wry humor. The way you capture the nuances of Natalie’s relationship with her mom and Hailey is so well done. There’s an underlying tension and love that feels true to life.
Questions I have:
Is this set in a particular region or city? There’s a universal feel to the heatwave and family struggle, but adding a few geographical or cultural markers could further ground the story.
I’m curious about how the title connects to the narrative. Are there larger themes of female leadership or familial roles that will unfold? Or are you referring to the matriarchy of her family/mom?
Journal 22
Caitlin
Love the opening. I was at my favorite spa in Portland (yes I’m a spa guy, I’m essentially 75) and spent as long as I could in the sauna. You describe the feeling of sweating like hell quite well in my opinion. I think you set a really interesting tone in this story opener when you say that Natalie’s Mom is not her friend. I think this did a really good job of establishing their relationship. They are like partners, perhaps? Mom works and provides what she can, but she can only do so much. When Natalie wants something more than her Mother is willing to give, she’s on her own. You did a really good job of describing that person I think many of us knew in highschool. Who just works and works and works. There’s such a flavor of boredom in this story. She has friends, but doesn’t really want to see them. Her sister is at the pool but she doesn’t really want to go. She has worked 72 hours this week, at dunkin no less, but come her day off she does nothing. There’s something going on with the man outside the store, but I don’t know what. I really hope there’s an adventure in store for Natalie. Overall, a really fun opening, I’d love to keep reading.
Coco
I found this story deeply moving. You chose to write about something, that to me, might truly be the hardest thing in the world to write about. This story scared me a little. It scared me because I felt it. I felt some shadow, some vague whisper of what it could feel like to lose my brother. My other half. The person who knows me best in the world. How did you capture that? How did you tie down heartbreak like that? A piece of it is anger. She feels so angry at her brother for choosing to do what he did. Perhaps, she even hates him in a way. Resents him for being weaker than she is. That is real. As real as it gets. Of Course she hates him for leaving her. Could you really say she truly loved him if she wasn’t angry that he left. Rattled me to my bones with this one. Good work Coco.
Coco,
This is so emotional and beautiful. It’s very raw and I really love the way that you use the word “instantly” to guide us through Erik’s relationship with Darren, and also through Erik’s processing of Darren’s death. The way that you describe grief, especially the grieving of somebody who is essentially an extension of yourself, is moving. The line on page 6, “I’ve come to know how a piano feels watching as its sheet music is thrown away,” is really powerful, and truly highlights the type of relationship that Erik and Darren had before Darren’s suicide. I also really like the detail of Erik referring to his mother by her first name, I think it effectively separates him from the respect that a son typically has for his mother and shows us that something clearly happened between them—I’m curious to know what that thing was. If you’re open to exploring, I think it could be interesting to see Erik’s feelings other than devastation here—anger comes later in the grieving process, sure, but in the situation of somebody choosing to end their life, it is really easy to feel angry with them or to feel like they made a “selfish” decision, even though we know this to be untrue.
Cait,
Oh my gosh I enjoyed your story so much! It flowed evenly, almost like a diary entry, and I love our main character here. Your witty way of giving background to your characters kept me on the edge of my seat- and I love the physical position of our main character. I feel that this is a grounding story, and your sentence structure and humor really kept me wanting more. I feel for this character, I see her in my mind, and I love that she is comfortably lonely throughout the story- it feels like a peak into a fleeting day. You also set up the relationships very realistically throughout this piece, good job!
Coco,
This story was incredibly moving, you tackled what might be one of the hardest things in the world to write about, and it scared me a little—because I felt it. I think you did a great job at depicting grief and carrying us through as the reader what grief looks like. One thing I really liked was the relationship between Erik and Nicole. As a whole I really enjoyed how you depicted depression and struggle that someone may go through after an event like this but also the flip side that you do have to keep going forward for those in your life. The only question that I have is why Erik doesn’t spend much time feeling guilty, as a whole though I really enjoyed this story a lot and it was a great read.
Caitlyn,
This story captures the life of Natalie, a seventeen-year-old girl navigating a strained and almost nonexistent relationship with her mother. They share a home, but her mom largely ignores her daughters’ needs, weighed down by bitterness from her ex-husband’s abandonment and a string of failed relationships. It’s a realistic portrayal of the daily life of a neglected daughter. Natalie’s independence shines as she works grueling hours to save up for a car, highlighting her determination to fend for herself. I really enjoyed the line about the mother not being able to name three friends. I think it set an intriguing tone early by establishing that their relationship is more like a partnership than anything else. Her mom provides what she can, but when Natalie wants more, she’s on her own. Overall, this is a strong and engaging opening, and I’d be excited to see where you go with it.
Coco, this is a story about someone dealing with their brother’s death and finding moments of light in their life (through people and experiences). I like how flowery your language is, and I think it fits the story very well. I also like that you ground the reader in moments of description, using less flowery language, such as: “We’d surf antique shows on the TV if the motel had one, shitty premade breakfast food and uncomfortable bed sheets…” (bottom of page two). The antique show detail is spot on and resurfaced memories of staying at Motel 6 on vacations. One suggestion I have is to be slightly (very slightly) less symbolic/flowery in some areas. Although it’s beautiful, I found moments confusing, and it threw me out of the story. Even just adding some more basic descriptions within some of those sections would make a big difference. Overall, I really like this story and the emotions it captures.
Caitlin, this is a novel start about a young girl (maybe high school age) who is grappling with a tough home life and her relationship with her mom. I like how realistic you made the highs and lows of this story — there is no insane climax or conclusion, but the story still has conflict that draws in the reader. You also did a good job transitioning between action scenes and inner dialogue. One question I have is, where does this story take place geographically? Overall, I really enjoyed reading this; it’s realistic and makes your point without the addition of unnecessary/’extreme’ scenes.
Coco,
This is such a powerfully written story, that deals with incredibly heavy subject matters and themes. It appears to be about how a young individual deals with the grief and anguish of losing a loved one to complications with suicide, and you write the main character’s reaction beautifully. Their reaction to the entire tragedy is incredibly realistic, especially when on the last page, they utter the line “I won’t be selfish like Darren and take myself from Cherrie.” That is such a powerful line that has a lot of depth to its meaning. It can be interpreted in so many ways because grieving people usually think the deceased individual is leaving them behind, and it is such a catastrophic feeling. You capture the idea of grief so well and portray it very realistically. My suggestions would be to allow yourself to explore the main character’s feelings a bit more. Is it resentment they feel? Do they have anyone other than Cherrie they can talk to? How important is Cherrie in their life? Also, the opening sequence right before the title is introduced kind of confused me a little bit. I was hoping you could maybe explain the significance of it a bit more. Other than that, a fantastic story that hits a lot of chords and you wrote it so well.
Caitlin,
I really loved the direction and storytelling techniques you did and took with this story. Using a more casual scenario and regular every day characters makes your story more grounded and makes it more relatable as well. Natalie is definitely portrayed very accurately, as someone who held a part time job at 17 in the scorching heat as well. I love how descriptive Natalie is with things she sees and interacts with, like when she is talking about that yucky feeling of sweat sticking to her and when she mentions the crumpled up bills with the exact amount there, and finally, the exact items she purchases. I liked how you talked more about what she bought, instead of just saying soda and chips. Saying the brands and flavor of soda she bought made it seem more natural. I really liked the line around page 2 or 3 where Natalie said something like “If my baby daddy left in the middle of the night, I would be bitter to,”, as it makes Natalie come off as more understanding of her mother’s feelings, and makes her re evaluate everything. My only thing would be that I just wish we had more on the relationship between the sister and Natalie, and I feel like there is a lot more that could be done with the character of the mother. Overall, I loved the story and can’t wait to see more.
“Matriarchy”
1: The story is about a day in the life of a girl who lives in a family with little money. As a result, she needs to endure the heat, hunger, and other aspects that come with being poor. In this novel start, we get insight into some of the desires of the main character, specifically a new car and and air conditioner. We also get insight into how her family operates, as well as how her mother and sister are as people.
2: I like how they story covers a difficult situation by telling the story from the perspective of a main character, through whose thoughts we get insight into the perspectives and motives of other characters. I also like how her life stands out in contrast to that of her friend, who is very well off.
3: Question: Will the story go on to describe how she gets her car and AC, or does the beginning set her up for going through another struggle?
4: Suggestion: It would be interesting if all of the characters introduced so far, including her friend and Joe, play pivotal roles in the story later on.
“Instantly”
1: The story is about a guy who is thinking about his brother’s death. He is in a bus ride, re-listening to a voicemail his brother leaves, and remembering the childhood they shared together. The central theme of the story is courage, which the main character will need to embody to continue on.
2: I like how the thoughts of the main character give us as readers enough detail that we know about him and his brothers life, and appreciate their situation, but not so much detail that we get bogged down in it.
3: Question: Why was Nicole disliked by her children? What job(s) has she held in the past that contributed to their unstable housing situation?
4: Suggestion: How is the beginning relevant to the overall storyline? Perhaps make that more obvious to the reader.